Du Barry Was a Lady Page #3

Look, I don't mean to be chasing you,

but I heard you say

you wanted to be alone,

so I figured you wouldn't mind

if I walked with you.

This coat. I'm two payments behind on it.

It sort of resists me.

Here. Let me help you.

- There.

- Gee, thanks.

Come on.

Oh, excuse me.

You'll have to pardon me

if I seem ignorant, but...

Well, I never expected to be walking up

52nd Street with May Daly.

- Who's she?

- Just a superb artiste, that's all.

- Just a nightclub singer.

- No, you're awful pretty, though.

I don't mean to be rude,

but you remind me

of one of those beautiful girls in Esquire.

The ones with clothes on, of course.

I hope you don't mind riding home

on a subway.

Compared to the boarding house I live in,

this is privacy.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

The boarding house where I live

is so crowded,

you have to take a bath piggyback.

Yeah, but you won't always

be riding on these things.

Someday you'll be riding back and forth

to work in a big limousine.

Tell me more.

Say, you know, Miss May,

you've got to develop confidence.

Who do you think pulls in millionaires

in that club every night?

May Daly.

Some millionaires will go anywhere.

Nah, don't you kid yourself.

They're all crazy about you.

You could marry the whole bunch of them.

Well, I'll settle for one,

better than that, half of one.

Half a millionaire's no good,

taxes will eat him up.

May Daly's got to have

a whole millionaire or nothing.

Well, suppose she can't find one

that she likes?

Likes?

- Oh, I'm sorry, madam, sit here.

- Oh, you shouldn't have gotten up.

What do you have to like them for?

That's for ordinary girls.

You can have anyone you want.

- Suppose I want to marry a poor guy?

- What for?

Well, you marry a rich guy for money.

What would you marry a poor guy for?

- What?

- For love.

Do you love her?

Well... Well, who wouldn't? But, gee, I...

- You love him?

- Louis is a sweet boy, but I don't...

Got anyone else in mind?

Hey, you're not thinking of Alec, are you?

Are you? That's who it is. It's Alec.

- Has he got money?

- No.

He's so poor he don't have

a pair of shoestrings that match.

My dear, when I was your age

I could've married money.

But instead I picked a very poor man

whom I loved dearly.

John and I have been married for 50 years,

and day by day our love has bloomed

into the most wonderful hatred.

Next time I get hitched, it's for dough.

Let's go back two thousand years

or more perchance

Before Delilah

Before Godiva

Before Gypsy Rose Lee was alive

Way, way back

Before they ever heard of Oomph Girls

At that time there lived a dame

who did her dance

Without a bubble that blew to smidgens

Without a fan or without a flock of pigeons

Way, way back

Before the Greeks

had a word for Oomph Girls

With seven veils she wowed the males

And made the hall of fame

And this modern swing and stuff and thing

All dates back to this dame

Salome was the grandma of them all

She had the stuff

that makes your motor stall

This babe took Babylon by storm

And handed down that magic formula

That takes the wallflowers off the wall

Yes, they swing and sway

Shimmy shammy, but they show me

No matter how you slice it

Boy, it's still Salome

On Samson and Delilah here's a tip

She got her man, but with no barber's clip

She merely went into her dance

The day she found him

with his panzer unit

And her blitzkrieg was a pip

Yes, it's box office

Minsky gives them a diplomie

But no matter how you slice it

Boy, it's still Salome

You can slice it thick

You can slice it thin

Or you needn't slice it at all

You can cut it long

You can cut it short

You can hang it up on the wall

But when they claim it's something new

It really doesn't throw me

For no matter

how you slice it

It's still comes out Salome

- I'm looking for a Mr. Louis Blore.

- That's me.

Will you sign right here?

What's this?

- Hey, what's this?

- That's a check for your hat.

- Give me hat.

- Yes, sir.

- Well, give me your check.

- Give me hat.

- Now, let's not lose your head.

- Let's not lose your teeth.

- Give me hat.

- Well, give me a check.

- My hat, please?

- Yes, sir.

- Get in line. Give me hat.

- My hat, please.

- Yes, sir.

- Give me hat.

Quiet.

I'm sorry, sir.

Ambrose.

- My hat, please.

- Check, please.

Oh.

Here's your telegram.

- What's that?

- I don't know. Where's its head?

- Give me my toupee.

- Check, please. Oh!

I shall never come here again.

Here's your telegram.

You know, you just cost me

one of my best customers.

- He's a millionaire.

- He didn't even tip you.

Just the same, if I had his dough,

I wouldn't be in here checking derbies.

I'd be in there using $20 bills for napkins.

Hey, why is it all the rich people

have all the money?

Well, maybe some day

my luck will change.

- Hey, ain't you gonna read that?

- It's probably from the finance company.

Unless, of course,

I've won the sweepstakes.

"This is to notify you

that you've won first prize of $150,000

"in the Irish Grand National Sweepstakes. "

You know, I've been

parking fedoras here for five years.

I never made a mistake

until you came along.

Now, I've won the sweepstakes.

Sweepstakes!

- Oh, thank you.

- Well, that's all right.

Well, Mr. Blore, won't you say a few words

to your millions of new friends?

Well, thank you.

Hello, Mom. It was a tough sweepstake,

but my horse won.

You know, all my life

I've been kind to dumb animals,

but this is the first time

a dumb animal has ever been kind to me.

And we're glad you won, Mr. Blore.

But I'm sure our listeners

would like to know one thing.

Were you very excited

when you received the news?

Well, I started off to be,

but I put a stop to it quick by collapsing.

Well, I don't blame you, Mr. Blore.

You must feel like a king.

- King Louis, that's me.

- King Louis? Oh, very good.

Well, Your Majesty,

who's the lucky girl to be your queen?

- Haven't you read the newspapers?

- No.

Well, I'm figuring on marrying Du Barry.

- Who?

- Du Barry, that's if she'll have me.

Well, I'm off to break the news.

Oh, by the way, dear friends,

if you'd like to have one of my pictures

autographed, absolutely free,

just send in a $20 bill

to cover the cost of mailing and wrapping.

Well, Your Majesty,

because you've been so kind

as to participate in our broadcast here,

I'm going to present to you,

with the compliments of our sponsor,

a special tube of our De Kay toothpaste.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, by the way,

do you have an empty tube?

- No, I don't.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, how do you like that?

- Did you ever say you'd marry him?

- No, of course not.

That's what's so funny.

Nothing that funny ever happens to me.

May.

- Did you hear Louis on the radio?

- Yes, I did.

- Did you see the newspapers?

- I did.

Very, very funny.

Go ahead and laugh.

You've given me plenty of laughs.

Yeah, I guess I have.

But what about this poor kid

when he finds out?

Finds out what?

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