Due Date

Encoded by RippeR

MAN:

I just had the strangest dream.

It's Friday.

We're at the hospital.

But it's not a hospital,

it's a forest of sorts.

And l know that because

right next to you there's a bear.

A grizzly, cooling his feet in a stream.

And all of a sudden,

you begin to deliver...

...and l can't get to you.

But the bear can.

And next thing l know...

...he is holding our beautiful baby boy.

And here's where it gets odd. Uh....

He chews the cord.

But, strangely, l'm okay with it.

That's gotta be a good sign.

Theodore. Loved it.

But remember that article I told you about?

Naming kids after famous people?

I don't want Teddy to think he's a failure

if he doesn't wind up on Mount Rushmore.

Uh, Arthur. Oh!

This was tough, because it's mythological.

Round Table, the whole deal.

But "The Name Game." Remember that?

"The Name Game"?

"Art-Art-bo-Bart, Banana-Fana-fo-Fart."

Brings us to Casey.

This whole next slew of names:

Casey, Jordan, Dylan, Drew, Taylor,

Tyler and probably mostly Skylar...

...are all names that

could be girls' names.

Why don't we just cut to the chase

and call him Cindy?

DRIVER:
Yeah, Atlanta.

Trying to get out of this place.

-Denver's where it's at, man.

-Mm-hm.

They got the whole underground

government conspiracy thing going on.

-That so?

-l'm hearing a lot of chatter...

[CELL PHONE RlNGS]

-...on the message boards.

-Gotcha. l should grab this.

-Sorry. Hey, honey.

WOMAN:
Hey, sweetie.

-Did you get my message?

-l did.

I'm about halfway through it.

I thought I'd take a little break.

Ha, ha. I didn't want you to think l was

arbitrarily dismissing those names.

You considered them carefully.

It's just such a big decision, you know?

I know.

Clearly, you're taking it very seriously.

More importantly,

what are you wearing?

Armani Exchange.

I'm talking to my--

No, no, that's just the driver, baby.

Okay, listen, l'm about to be dropped off.

I should go.

-l love you, can't wait to see you.

-l love you too. Safe flying.

DRIVER:
Here you go.

-Perfect.

Yep.

DRIVER:

What in the eff?

-Goddamn it!

-We done knocked it right off.

Hey, man! You just hit my car!

-You just knocked my door off, man.

SHELBY:
Sorry about that.

First things first,

is everybody okay?

DRIVER:
l'm in a Town Car!

Don't you know airport protocol?

Town Cars have the right of way always!

That right there is some serious damage.

That ain't sh*t!

DRIVER:
My brother-in-law

is gonna kill me. l'm through!

You okay?

Sorry about my friend.

He's been drinking.

You smell boozy too.

Drinking and driving together?

Well, we haven't been drinking.

I mean, we split a six-pack.

Of 40s. But....

You know what?

My father always had a saying:

When a day starts like this,

it's all uphill from here.

That's actually incorrect.

-My dad used to say it.

-No, it's all downhill from here.

Everybody wants to be up.

Nobody wants to be down.

It's easier as you go down.

He didn't know what he was talking about.

-Hey, Shelby? We good?

-We're cool, man. I'll take care of it.

-Okay.

SHELBY:
Go get them, Hollywood!

PETER:
Excuse me. Sir?

You mind picking these up?

I can't. You're not supposed to touch

other people's luggage at an airport.

Handle your own baggage.

Bag check!

-This your bag, sir?

-ls there a problem?

-l'm gonna have to search it real quick, sir.

-Yeah. Feel free.

Mad magazine? That's cute.

That's not mine.

-This is your bag?

-That's not--

Jackpot!

That's definitely not mine.

My bag got switched with this--

-You packed your bag yourself?

-But not that.

I've never done drugs in my life.

This is absolutely-- This is crazy.

Maybe you a drug mule.

-Do l look like a drug mule?

-l don't know, how do drug mules look?

-You're the expert.

-What, like me?

-Who said that?

-Your eyes.

My eyes said something? Did my mouth?

I don't think you look like a--

Do you mind not tossing it up so much?

Whoo! Funky motherf***er, ain't you?

You are so inappropriate, it's crazy.

I been called a lot of things,

but "inappropriate"?

That's some f***ed-up sh*t, yo.

Oh, my goodness.

Look at this, Sonny.

Fancy.

Died and gone to heaven.

Are you not aware

that there's a person here?

ETHAN:

Sorry.

Well, hello!

How you doing?

What brings you up to first class?

The seat that I procured--

ETHAN:
Oh, sorry.

ATTENDANT:
Excuse me.

I was in low class, and my seat belt

didn't work, and they bumped me up.

It's called economy.

Lucky day. Nice to see you.

Sorry how we met, but, you know....

Oh, you know what?

-l think we switched our bags at the curb.

-l know we did.

Your bag was confiscated.

It had paraphernalia in it.

Marijuana pipe.

Well, that's a medical apparatus.

-l have glaucoma.

-Sure, you have glaucoma.

Attention, in preparation for takeoff,

please turn off all electronic devices...

...and if you have a laptop, please stow it.

Thank you and enjoy your flight.

They made the announcement.

You should turn that off.

-Yeah, I get it.

-Just turn it off. You know why?

-l'm gonna turn it off.

-They get uneasy...

...because they know terrorists use their

phones to trigger bombs in their luggage.

Shh. Pst, pst, pst.

-That's not the word you want to say.

-"Terrorist" or "bomb"?

-You said both the words.

-l understand.

-l'm trying to tell you that l read--

-Stop trying to tell me and listen.

Don't say words

that put people on edge.

ETHAN:
I'm trying to be informative.

PETER:
lt's not cool.

Would you and your friend mind

stepping to the front of the plane?

My friend?

I'm sorry, I need you

to come with me, please.

Listen. This clown,

I've never seen before in my life.

That's not true.

We switched bags at curbside.

-That was an accident. And he had--

MAN:
Sir!

Federal air marshal.

Please step to the front of the plane.

What? Why?

Drop the device.

-lt's not a device, it's a BlackBerry.

-Drop the device!

What are you gonna do, rent-a-cop?

Shoot me--?

[CROWD SCREAMS]

It's okay, everyone. He'll be fine.

It's only a rubber bullet.

[APPLAUDlNG]

Good news, Mr. Highman.

They found your bags on the airplane.

-Oh, good.

-Unfortunately, that plane's over Kansas.

-Figures.

-But l do have your cell phone for you.

Now, if you wouldn't mind just signing this.

It's a simple release.

So l don't sue you.

Just saying we acted in accordance

with state law.

-Sure did.

-Good.

If you put your address there,

I'll have your bags shipped.

Let them land at LAX and l'll pick them up

when l get there. When's the next flight?

-ln an hour, but you won't be on it.

-Why's that?

You're on the No-Fly list.

-Why?

-lt says right here.

-You and your friend.

-Who?

-The gentleman l just interviewed.

-l've never seen that dipshit before.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-He had nice things to say about you.

-l'm on a No-Fly list? This is ridiculous.

-Regardless--

-No.

I have a pregnant wife, I have to get back.

This is a huge misunderstanding.

-What am l supposed to do?

-Have you ever seen Forrest Gump?

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