East Is East

# So we waved our hands as we marched along

# And the people smiled as we sang our song

# And the world was saved as they listened to the band

# And the banner man held the banner high

# He was 10 feet tall and he touched the sky

# I wished that I could be a banner man

# And the drums went boom and the cornets played

# And the tuba oompahed all the way

# And the kids and the dogs were laughing... #

[Man] Tariq, check out the nurses!

# And the banner man held the banner high

# With an hallelujah in his eye

# I wished that I could be a banner man

# Glory, glory, glory

# Listen to the band... #

That's right, Saj. Give 'em a scatter.

# Ain't it something grand

# To be as good as you can

# Like the banner man?

# So we reached the square on top of the hill... #

Annie... Annie,

it's George. He's back early from mosque.

Bugger. Red alert!

- What's up? - Your dad's back!

[Man] Sh*t!

# And we marched right down into the town... #

[Man] Don't tip it, you'll drop Holy Mary!

[Woman] Come on, Spaz!

# Glory, glory, glory

# Listen to the band

# Sing... #

- Wait! - Move it!

# Ain't it something grand

# To be as good as you can

# Like the banner man?

# La la la... #

[Boy] Bugger.

- [Woman] Stop. - [Man] Why are you stopping?

# La la la... #

[Man] Go, go, go!

Hey, Ella, there's Annie.

# Glory, glory, glory... #

Hi, Annie!

# Listen to the band

# Sing that same old story

# Ain't it something grand...? #

F***ing wet meself!

Tariq, where's them nurses?

# La la la... #

Keep still.

Ah! You're pulling my hair!

Keep your bloody head still, then.

Sajid, ask your dad for the nit comb.

- I haven't got nits. - Well, stop scratching, then.

[Tuts]

Maneer, you out of that bath?

I've just got in!

That bath don't half scratch your arse.

Hey, you, gobshite, I've told you, keep it shut.

[Mum] And leave him. Sajid, go and hurry those boys up.

I look stupid in this.

Do it yourself, then.

[Mum] You look lovely.

[Door opens]

All right, our kid?

All right, Saj?

Looks great, Dad.

Tradition, see, Son?

All our people wearing this.

The watch.

Here. Says your name in Arabic.

See? Nazir.

Son? Today you make me feel very proud.

You two, pack it in now.

Meenah, veil on. Sajid, you get me those cigs.

And take that bleedin' parka off.

Maneer, move it!

Abdul, Tariq, Saleem, let's look at you.

[Mum] Hat.

Ella?

Your son.

Sellotaping, sellotaping...

- Gorgeous. - 0ne whole roll.

Sellotaping, sellotaping.

[Woman] They're 'ere!

[General chat]

Look at that lot. Pickaninnies' f***in' picnic.

- All right, Saj? - All right, Earnest?

See you later.

What you f***in' grinnin' at?

Nothing, Grandad.

They just look funny, that's all.

How you doing, my love?

Earnest! Get your arse over 'ere!

Room for a little 'un?

Ay-up!

[Cheering]

[All] Bye! Bye!

[Barks]

[Indian music]

[Doors slam]

[Music stops]

[Room grows quiet]

Abdul.

You all right, Son?

[Mum] Nazir?

- I can't do this, Dad. - Nazir, come, sit down.

No! I can't!

- Nazir, don't do this! - Sorry, Dad!

- Nazir! - Nazir!

Why he wants to do this?

And bring a shame on my family.

I no understand.

No understand.

Maybe I should have take family to Bradford long time ago.

More Pakistani there, see?

No this problem.

It will always be difficult for you, Zaheed.

They are different.

[Children's voices]

- She's lovely. - Shut up.

What the heck's that?

- You caught any fish yet, Spaz? - Get stuffed!

- She is just gorgeous. - Shut up.

Three pound, love.

- 'Ere y'are, love. - Your change.

[Ella] Ay-up.

Annie, Ella. How you gettin' on with that Islam?

Fine, thanks, Father.

Two dozen roses for the walk.

And three dozen shamrocks.

- Chips? - Please.

- How many? - Next?

- Hello, George, how you doin'? - Very good, thank you for ask.

Good man. Well, God bless.

Allah go with you.

Ha-ha. This man bloody stupid, I think.

Every day he got bloody flower.

Who's next?

[Tariq] Tell her to go away, Stella.

No, I f***in' won't. I'm her best mate.

Yeah, she's me best mate, Tariq.

Tell her to stand in the entry. She's puttin' me off.

[Radio] 'Situation demands that...'

Will you put that bloody radio down?

Shh, news about Pakistan.

'..After three jets were shot down...'

[Annie] And a pickled onion, cock?

'The Islamabad government also accused India

'of supplying arms to rebels in East Pakistan.'

These bastard Indians.

[Annie] Ta-ra!

No bloody interest in East Pakistan,

only want Azaad Kashmir.

I bloody worry. Family live on border, they may be in danger.

- The answer's no. - What you bloody talking about?

I no bloody ask you.

I can read your mind, so you can piss off

if you think you're bringing her here.

Why talk like this, my darling?

If she sets foot here I'm off and I'll take the bloody kids.

Why big problem? First wife always treat second like sister.

Get stuffed!

[Annie] Salt and vinegar?

[Laughing]

[Meenah outside] Give me the ball, Spaz!

- What d'you do that for? - Sh*t! The mosque van's here!

You bloody kids hide again?!

Tariq, the mosque van's here.

All right, Gandhi.

Your grandad'll drop a bollock if he finds you with a Paki.

I don't care. Tariq's the only bit of happiness I've got.

So my grandad can go f*** himself.

Come along.

[Speaks Urdu]

I'll fix them.

- Come on. Get in. - I was just coming, Dad...

You think I daft? Where is Sajid?

Sajid?!

[George outside] Sajid!

You bastard!

[Mullah] Bismillah.

[Class] Bismillah.

Irachmah.

[Class] Irachmah.

Neerahim.

Neerahim.

[Mullah] Bismillah.

Bismillah.

[Mullah] Irachmah.

Irachmah.

[Mullah] Neerahim.

Neerahim.

[Mullah] Eh Laha.

Eh Laha.

[Mullah] Illalah.

Illalah.

Ho Mohammed Dar.

[Class] Ho Mohammed Dar.

Rasoo Lallah.

Rasoo Lallah.

[Shouts from outside]

- Night, Abdul. - Night, Jo.

Your wife's got a lot to look forward to, pal!

Gunga! Drink now!

- No, Mark, I don't drink. - It's tradition!

[Mark] He's gettin' married tomorrow! Drink, Gunga!

Take no notice, get off home, mate.

Leave him alone, Mark.

Shut it, fat twat! You'll get a budgie up the bum!

[Gasps and shouts in Urdu]

[Saj] Yes!

[Excited chat]

Let me see, Sajid.

[Talking in Urdu]

Sajid?

Uh-oh, here we go.

Come on, bastard.

I bloody fix him.

Hey, stop looking! You make a bloody fool of me, eh?

Jammy little bleeder.

What the hell's he done now?

Done? I tell you what he done. He make a bloody show of me!

Bloody family always makes a bloody show of me!

Now, how I looking mullah in the bloody face,

'cause your son got bloody tickle-tackle!

What are you goin' on about, what tickle-tackle?

Mullah sees, all the bloody children seeing!

Well, he must be seeing things because they were all done.

She's right, George.

You no believe me? You bloody looking!

Sajid, come here.

- Get stuffed. - Hey, hey, language.

I'll stuff you in a minute, now get 'em off.

[Whimpers]

Come on, let me have a look.

I've wiped your shitty arse before now.

It's still there.

You sees? Is all you bloody fault!

It's nowt to worry about, you can get him done.

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