East Is East Page #2

I know who should've got done.

[Snorts]

No bloody funny, you sees.

Just get this fixed. This has to be cutting.

Hey! Come here, bastard!

[Saleem] We draw 'em at college.

It protects the end of the penis.

That's dead good that, Saleem.

I wouldn't be doing art if I couldn't draw.

[Meenah] You won't if Dad finds out, Mr Engineering Student.

- Foreskins are dirty. - They wouldn't be there, then.

- Why cut it off? - [Tariq] It lessens feeling.

- It doesn't! - [Tariq] How would you know?

You haven't used yours.

Yes, I have.

You can't have this thing.

It no belong to you.

Not our religion, see?

No worry about it. I buy you nice watch.

at his age, George?

Your son goes bloody hell with this. But we fixes.

He's not.

It's my house and I bloody control it.

- Your house? - Yes.

Whose name's on the rent book?

Maybe your house. My bloody shop money pay bloody rent.

And what d'you think I do in there morning till night?

- Counting mushy f***in' peas? - I no bloody know.

When I look you with Annie,

talking, smoking, smoking, talking.

Nobody serve bloody chips!

I tell wife number one come. Second wife giving me trouble.

and send me over there.

But I'll tell you one thing,

she'll find it hard serving fish and chips dressed in bedsheets.

Keep your voices down, I've a husband on nights.

Frig off! And wash your bastard curtains, you dirty cow.

Come on, Saj!

Come on, Saj, it's only a little operation.

It won't hurt. [Echoing]

Ahh!

[Moans]

Hello.

Feet off the bed with your shoes on.

- It doesn't matter. - It does to me.

I'm not having my kids accused of bad manners.

People are quick to point. Well, not with mine.

Is everything all right?

Tickle-tackle all gone?

Circumcision was absolutely fine.

You Indian?

- I'm sorry? - George!

[Nurse] Doctor?

Bastard Indian.

See, puther?

This is very special watch. It tell you time in...Arabic.

'Here lies the crucial importance for you and me,

'and no less for those among the immigrants

'whose future does lie here,

'of that policy of assisted repatriation, resettlement...'

We could have a whip-round and get Dad repatriated.

[Both] Mmm!

F***ing gannet, wait your turn!

It stinks of burnt bacon in here.

[Coughing]

Watch what you're doing, Maneer!

- Dad'll smell it! - Put some curry powder about.

[Knocking]

'And with that abusive obloquy...'

[Meenah] What d'you want, Pongo?

Is Sajid back?

He's havin' his knob cut! He won't be spazzin' the streets!

D'you want a toffee, Meenah?

F*** off! D'you think I want ringworm like you?

Ahh!

Dad's comin'!

- Ahh! - It's 0K, we're home.

Uh, put him down, I'll get some bedding.

Hide that bloody folder.

Mam!

[Bollywood music]

[Kids shouting]

[Annie] 0o-oh!

How's little 'un doing?

He's all right.

Just a bit sore.

Where's old bothered-balls?

He happy now?

Yeah.

He bought him a new dressing gown and a watch.

Not much of a swap but better than nowt.

Annie, am I a good mother?

No, you're friggin' awful!

Would you put one of yours through this?

You had no choice, love.

I did. I could've put me foot down.

And given yourself a load of grief.

This is religion, Ella, and it's theirs, you know that.

You knew when you got married.

Just 'cause the man English...

no mean they not good Pakistani.

- I know people think this. - No, Zaheed.

I hear what they say about me.

Zaheed, until your sons join the community fully,

they will be a worry for you.

But listen...

I have a friend in Bradford,

his name is Mr Shah.

He has two daughters.

He is eager they be married.

Now, if you think any of your sons is suitable and ready,

would you be willing to meet them?

No problem.

They're ready.

You arrange?

In Shalla.

[Ella] I'm back!

Ella!

I buy you present from market.

For you, my love!

What the bleedin' hell is that?

Is good, I thinks. Bloody bargain!

It's an old barber's chair. The rubbish you bring in here!

It's not stoppin' there.

No bloody rubbish! Three bloody pounds!

I think it's bloody lovelies!

You want your head testing spendin' ten bob on that!

Come.

Come try for yourself.

Get off, you daft bleeder.

See?

- So comfortable. - Yeah, very bloody nice!

Yeah, good. Arms.

Look.

- Swivel. - Aah! [Laughs]

And!

Yah! [Laughing]

Get me off, you're gonna break me bloody neck!

You see? It's so relaxing.

Take more than this to make me relax around you.

You always relaxing with me, 'cause you're my lovely.

Tomorrow we go Bradford.

Maybe see film.

Hm? Mmm...

What's all this in aid of?

Want a cup of tea?

I'll have half a cup.

[Children's voices]

Sajid, comin' t'canal?. I'm getting some rats' tails.

I'm goin' to Bradford.

- He's gettin' rats' tails. - What for?

You get sixpence for 'em. My grandad said so.

He's havin' you on. Dad! The van's here!

[Ella from upstairs] Come on, you lot!

- Salaam-alacum. - Waalacum-salaam.

Eh? Heeey!

Why you no salaam me, eh?

Poppah Khalid, you're hurting me!

- Say salaam. - Come on.

Salaam-alacum.

Good boy.

What were your Abdul doing kissing that bloke?

Shut it, d*ckhead. It's Pakistani, they all do it.

Pigeon Dennis does it as well. He gave our kid a shilling.

- Did he heck. - More for a punch in the balls.

[Ella from outside] George! Come on!

[Ella] 0ut of the way, kids, thank you.

- Salaam. - Waalacum-salaam.

[Earnest] You look nice. [Meenah] Piss off, Pongo.

[Ella] George!

- Salaam-alacum. - Waalacum, Khalid.

Ella put him in bloody back. He's smelling.

Go in the back, cock.

[Bollywood music plays]

[Ella] They filmed ''The Dambusters'' there.

[Meenah] Mam, you say that every time.

Well, they bloody did!

And less of your cheek, lady.

Ah... You never know what bloody happens, you see.

I come here in 1937.

I here maybe one year...

And I make a bloody film. [Laughs]

Were you the star?

[Whispers] Shut it now!

[George] No bloody star, stupid.

I was shouting in a bloody crowd.

''I kill bloody English!''

[All laugh]

When I come this country I have no luggage.

Today what I got?

You've got a chip shop, Dad.

Yes, own bloody business, see?

Everybody happy in this town, see?

I don't care how bleedin' big their grins are,

we're not movin' here.

Stupid.

There's hundreds of 'em.

[Spacehopper bursts]

- [Boy] Thanks a lot, mister! - [Khalid] Sorry.

- That was new. - I buy you new one.

[Man] He should send in the army

and sort out these Bengalis once and for all!

[Talking in Urdu]

[Man] Bastard...bastard!

[General chat in Urdu]

You speak Urdu yet, huh?

I send them learning, but...nothing.

[Talk in Urdu]

[Doorbell]

Hussein, go and take the boys to shop.

Sons,

go with Hussein, see how chicken killed.

Go!

Hey!

- 0h, Salaam-alacum! - Waalacum-salaam!

[Talk in Urdu]

- Mr Shah. - Mr Shah!

- Salaam-alacum! [Laughs] - Waalacum-salaam!

Zaheed, Mr Shah.

- Salaam-alacum. - Waalacum-salaam.

[Urdu]

The baby.

Look.

God, I can't believe Shareen's married.

When will she come back from Pakistan?

I dunno, love.

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