East Is East Page #3

[Man banging on wall] Helen! Make tea!

[Whispers] Put the kettle on.

Hey, oh, cock...

Come on, now. Don't cry. Shh, eh, shh.

[Sobbing]

My baby.

My wife is really looking forward to seeing those.

We've heard so much about your family.

[General chat in Urdu]

I mean, six sons.

You've been truly blessed. [Laughs]

[Silence]

Five. 0ne dead.

[Laughter and chat]

So, are we agreed?

Abdul will marry Nushaaba and Tariq will marry Nigget.

[Urdu and laughter]

Your daughters are my daughters.

We are one family.

Uncle, uncle, uncle, eh?

- Salaam-alacum! - Waalacum-salaam.

Aunty-ji, you're looking more beautiful every time I see you.

We all well, yeah?

Why didn't you tell me you were coming?

No problem.

We've come to see ''Chaudvin Kha Chand''.

Er, Iyaaz sahib, this film is not showing today.

- Ahh...0h, well, never mind. - Aunty-ji, no problem!

Zaid? Change picture. Put on ''Chaudvin Kha Chand''.

Sahib, the film is already playing for half hour.

Bhentured! [Slap] Who owns this cinema?

- You! - So change it!

[Urdu]

Whatever my family want, you get. Go.

What the f*** you doing?

You supposed to be flipping working!

Change film, quickly!

You cow-worshipping bastards!

[Bollywood music]

sorry, up, please.

Thank you. 0K, come on.

[Talking in Hindi]

[Crowd shouting]

[Audience cheers]

[Man hums softly]

She's a big star.

[Audience cheers and whistles]

[Sings in Urdu]

[George singing along]

[Dog barking in distance]

[Abdul whispers] Psst, Tariq.

Abdul, what you doing?

- I wanna come. - You can't.

I wanna see it.

Well, hurry up, then.

Hiya, love. Yeah, go on.

Sorry, lads, members only, yeah?

- What? - Listen, I said members only.

- This is shite. - 0n your way.

- Hiya, all right, in you go. - Sorted.

- All right, Tony, mate? - Bazza.

- Yeah, in you go. - Nice one.

Where do you think you're goin', Smiler?

This is our kid, um...

Arthur. Me name's Arthur.

All right.

All right, yeah? Hiya.

What's all this ''Tony'' malarky?

Don't worry about it, relax.

Enjoy yourself, ''Arthur''.

# STRANGE KIND 0F W0MAN: Deep Purple

Bloody Nora!

Tony! You look gorgeous!

# Yeah, wonderful world, beautiful people

# You and your girl, things could be pretty

# But underneath this, there is a secret

# That nobody can reveal... #

[Chatting]

- Hiya. - Evenin', ladies.

- Thanks. - All right..

[Laughs]

# D0UBLE BARREL:
Dave and Ansell Collins

What the f*** are you doing with my boyfriend, slag?

D'you f***in' want some?

Sorry, I didn't know he was with you.

Well, you do now.

- Stella, we were just dancing. - I know, but she's a slag.

Drink?

Let's go.

Did you see that slag after my Tariq?

Didn't notice him complaining.

[Smash]

[Barman] Bollocks.

I'm thirsty.

Advocaat and lime, rum and black,

easy on the latter.

- Brandy and Babycham. - Can I have another lemonade?

You'll need more than lemonade with that.

# SITTING IN THE PARK: Georgie Fame

She's up for it, our kid.

[Bed creaking]

[Ella] Take some of the weight on your elbows!

You caught the skin on me arms!

[Unzipping]

- 0of! - F*** off.

[Still urinating]

- Tough. - Shh!

But he's fillin' it up!

Use the one in Mam's room. Quietly.

[Bleurgh!]

[Urinating]

[Urinating]

[Bed creaks]

[Silence]

- Quick, bastard! - Huh?!

Unh!

I arranging a friend...

and a family come from Bradford.

I hope that boy not embarrass me.

His name Mr Shah.

Good family.

Been this country 25 years.

Got double extensions.

He got two daughters, you know?

Same age as Abdul and Tariq.

We're not gonna go through that again.

You've gotta talk to the boys.

[George] I tell them when I bastard want!

They have a right to know.

What do you mean, right?

Pakistani father ask son marry, son follow father instruction.

[Ella] I knew you were up to something.

Look what happened with Nazir.

Don't mention the bastard's name, he dead!

No, he's not, he's livin' in Eccles.

He might be dead to you but he's still my son.

Why you no listen? You stupid?

You don't live my way, puck off and take your bastard kids!

- Where you going? - To make some tea.

I'll have half a cup.

- Mornin'. - All right?

[Saleem] F***in' mong. [Sajid] Get stuffed.

[Maneer] Will you two shut up?

Shut it, Gandhi.

Hey, time to get up.

[Bucket clanks]

Are you gonna say owt to the boys or will I have to?

You stupid. You no get involved with my business, missus.

I'm warning you.

You say nothing till I say. Understand?

[Door closes]

Abdul, Tariq, Maneer, Saleem, Meenah, Sajid, get up!

Your breakfast's ready!

# 0N A CAR0USEL:
The Hollies

# Ridin' along on a carousel

# Tryin' to catch up to you

# Ridin' along on a carousel

# Will I catch up to you?

# Horses chasing 'cause they're racing

# So they ain't so far

# 0n a carousel

# 0n a carousel

# Nearer, nearer by changing horses

# Still so far away #

Night out, Mum?

Yeah.

You all right?

Your dad's...

You better go, you'll be late.

- Mornin', Mam. - Hmm.

Mam, I need three bob for me sculpture.

Hey, you, mucky-head. That's my new hat.

Salaam-alacum.

How are you?

Tariq...

Abdul.

All right, Saleem?

All right, Stella?

Nice frock, is it new?

Yeah, knock-off from docks.

Says, um, ''Leonardo'' on the label.

Fancy.

Is my Tariq in?

Yeah. Tariq!

[Bang]

Me dad'll be back soon.

Keep your hat on, Gandhi!

Let's send the buggers home!

Enoch's talking next Tuesday at the Salford Hall!

Sign the petition on repatriation and -

'Ere, look,there's one now. Got his bags packed.

Salaam-alacum, Mr Khan!

Shut up, you little bastard!

Come and see Enoch speak at the Salford Hall!

like Romeo and Juliet.

I'll never let the colour of your dad come between us.

It's not fair, I love curry 'an all.

Yeah, right. Nice one.

Come out tonight, we can sit by the Dock Mission.

Bring your Saleem for Peggy?

- Why bring fat-arse? - Shut it, she might hear!

Too late, she already did!

Hang on, he didn't mean it, did you, Tariq?

Ay up, come on, I'll give you free chips for a week.

D'you hear that, Peg? Free chips for a week.

A bottle of Coke as well.

And your Saleem to give us a snog.

I'll ask, but you might have to be happy with chips.

Hi.

You took your bleedin' time.

No start bloody trouble with me, missus.

I send for wife number one,

''Come quick, second wife giving me trouble!''

Me dad's back!

Meenah, Genghis!

Why only Maneer in the bloody shop?

Where is suit I buy for you to wear at college?

At the cleaners'.

How you get job dressed like a hippy?

Go change bloody clothes!

Leave pucking fish!

Hey, you?

I thought I telling you get bloody haircut?

Haven't had time. I'll do it tomorrow.

Maneer?! Go get me scissors.

No worry. I bloody cutting.

None of my sons looking like bastard hippy.

Honestly, I'll get it cut tomorrow.

[Screaming and banging]

Tariq! Tariq, help us! Tariq!

[Wailing and crying]

Get off her! You dirty great bastard!

[Wailing and crying]

[Ella] In you get. Come on.

[Ella] You've been where?

Your brother's been to Paris!

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