East Is East Page #4

[Ella] How'd you get there, cock?

'By plane from Ringway.'

He's been on an aeroplane from Ringway airport!

- Did he get me 'owt? - A Messerschmitt?

- Don't be stupid. - 'Who's that?'

- Sajid. Have a word... - 'He still wearing that parka?'

- Yeah, still. - '0h, God!'

Sajid, talk to Nazir.

Hiya, our kid. Y'all right?

'Yeah. You all right?'

- Yeah. - 'You behavin' yourself?'

No, and he's got half a knob.

Get off! I'm talkin' to him!

When are you comin' home?

'I'll come home and see you soon, Saj, yeah?'

- Let me talk! - Pack it in!

- It's pissin' down! - Here!

- All right, our kid? - Ask what the talent's like!

- Tariq wants... - That's enough!

It's me again.

'Mam, why don't you come over and see me?'

Yeah, soon as I can. But you know how it is.

'Yeah.'

You are happy, aren't you?

'Yeah.'

- Look, I better go. - 'Say hello to Abdul and Tariq'

All right, cock. God bless.

I do miss you, Son.

[Pips go]

- 0h, Nazir... - 'Yeah?'

[Line goes dead]

[Boy] Come on, Earnest, pass us the ball.

All right, Meenah?

D'you want to play football?.

All right, Pongo.

Earnest?! Earnest! Come back here, you little bastard!

[Whistling]

What you doin', pervert?!

He's tryin' to look at your knob.

Come here, freak!

[Tariq] You smelly little bastard!

[Meenah] Spaz, come here, you pervert!

[Tariq] Where are ya?

I think it's time that coat went, eh, Meenah?

- No! No, get off! Mam! - Get the button!

I'll tell you a secret!

- What do you know, Spaz? - About the engagement!

What engagement?

Tell us!

Dad's got you and Abdul engaged and you're gonna get married.

F***in' hell.

Is this true, Sajid? If you're lyin', I'll have you.

I'm not. I heard him tell me mam.

Tariq, don't! Me dad'll kill us!

I don't believe this.

I'm not marryin' a f***in' Paki!

- I bet you knew! - No.

- F*** you, Gandhi. - No, I swear.

- Who does he think he is?! - Tariq!

Tariq, stop it!

Give up!

[Sajid] Stop it!

Tariq, leave it.

[Saleem] Let's clear this up.

- Sh*t! - Tariq, don't!

Morning, George!

Me dad's coming!

- Sh*t. - Come on! Come on!

Come on!

Quick!

[Shouting]

Who done this?

- Huh? - I dunno, Dad.

I ask you, who doing this?

[George] Huh?

I ask you bastard question!

You do this? Who do this?

I don't know, Dad.

You know who done this? Huh?

Come with me.

Come with me, bastard!

- Please... - Shut up!

Hey, hey, what you doing? What's he done?

Let go, George!

Look at this! Look what your bloody kids do! Look at this!

- Who did this?! - I dunno, honest.

- Come on! Who?! - Leave him alone! George!

Who did it?! He lucky I no kill him!

If you touch him I'll swing for you!

- Who do it? - Maneer, out back!

- Who do it?! - Leave him alone, you bastard!

I haven't finished with you, mister!

You same as you bloody kid!

I your husband, you should agree, like proper Muslim wife.

wife when it suits you.

But not when this shop needs opening,

or your relatives want help at the Home 0ffice.

Don't make me bloody laugh, George.

No start, 'cause I fix you like your bloody kids!

- You all pucking trouble! - 0nly because you don't listen!

You never have!

You been married to me

Yeah, right!

to you, George.

I have sweated my guts out in your bastard shop!

And given you seven kids as well.

And I will tell you this for nothing,

I am not gonna watch you crush them

one by one because of your pig bloody ignorance!

- 0h! - You bastard b*tch!

- You bugger! - No!

- You call me pig, b*tch! - 0h!

You talk to me like this again, I'll kill you, bloody b*tch!

I burn your bastard family when you sleep!

[Ella sobbing]

'This cloudy planet is the Earth, our home.

'We know it's crowded with people and life

'and things going on.

'But what must it be like on the other lonelier planets?

'Most of them have no life at all,

'No towns, no fields, no trees, no rivers,

'only rock. Just rock.

'Some of these stars and planets

'must be the loneliest places in the universe.

'Even the Clangers' planet, when the Clangers are indoors

'in their warm caves, must know what it's like to be alone.

'Ah, there's Tiny Clanger.'

[Clangers whistle]

Mam, I need another two and six.

'That's made them laugh.

'0h, no, it's raining! Stop, you'll make them all wet!'

[Clangers whistle on TV]

So, when we gonna see this great work of art?

Sunday.

Make sure you're back by dinner,

we've got visitors coming over from Bradford.

'The Clangers are having a party.'

Do we all have to stay in?

Yeah, you do.

If he thinks I'm stickin' round he's wrong.

As long as you're living under his bastard roof,

you'll do as you're told.

Do you hear me?

Well, do you?!

You always take his side!

This wouldn't have happened if we'd known!

You can f*** off if you think I'm marryin' a Paki!

Hey, it's not me mam's fault.

Ah, just keep it shut.

Do what Dad tells you, there's a good boy.

Why can't we just talk to him?

Don't you understand?

He's never gonna give a sh*t about what you think.

''I am your father, you do as I say!''

And this is gonna solve everything?

Did for our Nazir, didn't it?

Abdul, come with me.

I don't want what you want.

What do you want?

I want me family, and I don't want anyone hurt any more.

Tariq, don't go!

Maybe he'll be satisfied with just one of us getting married?

I've had enough.

I can't stay.

- Where you goin'? - Nowhere.

Wait for me!

Where you goin'?

- Nowhere. - I'm comin' with you.

# WHEN I'M DEAD AND G0NE: McGuinness Flint

Tariq! Tariq, wait! Don't leave without me!

For f***'s sake.

They won't break us up.

Let's elope!

It'll be so romantic.

We can't. I'm eloping on me own.

[Stella] You're getting married to someone else!

No, I'm not. Well, that's why I'm going

That doesn't mean I was gonna marry you.

for f***'s sake, you mard arse.

Saleem, get your change out!

[Peggy whispers] Stella, we're in hat paradise.

Can I speak to Nazir Khan, please.

I think they mean Mr Nigel.

[Nazir] Honestly, flowers are all the rage this season.

Trust me, darling. The style, the colour. Looks fabulous.

D'you think you could, uh, put us up till I get sorted?

What's goin' on?

Tell him.

Nigel, there you are.

Mmh. Who are those dreadful girls out there?

They are damaging the...

Uh, these are two of my brothers, Tariq and Saleem.

This is my sister, Meenah. Tariq wants to stay for a bit.

You must! Are these yours?

Yeah, but I'm still in two minds what I should do.

welcome to stay any time.

Yeah, right. Nice one. Thanks.

[Speaks French]

Who's he?

- He's my friend. - 0h.

Why's he talk funny?

- He's my boss. - 0h.

So, what's goin' on at home?

Try that one.

[Door opens]

Etienne, get the car. We're going home.

[Peggy] Can we stop for lunch?

[Meenah] Can't wait to see Dad's face when he sees you!

[Etienne] I'm not sure this is wise.

[Kids cheering]

Bloody hell, look at all them knobs!

There's Myrna! Hey, Myrna! [Honking horn]

It's me, Peggy!

- Keep your f***ing trap shut! - 0h, sorry.

Where is he, Maneer?

Is that them at last?!

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