East Is East Page #5

- Nazir! - Mum! What's he done?

You can't stay, Son!

No, we've gotta sort it!

It'll make things worse if your dad sees you.

[Meenah] They're comin'!

- Please, Son, just go, please! - What are you doing?

- Your dad'll kill him. - Don't listen to her.

You said you'd sort this!

I can't, our kid. Me Mum's right, it'll make it worse.

[Sajid] Nazir!

- You've got my address? - Yeah, go.

- If he touches you... - Just go, Son!

I'll call soon, yeah?

And you!

[Cheering]

Nazir!

Nazir!

What we gonna do now, Tariq?

I don't care what you do, Stella.

'This is almost like a victory roll by these Indian pilots.

'They're so close, they're flying so low,

'and they're meeting absolutely no opposition at all.

'So on the 13th day...'

Maneer? 0ff pucking TV.

'With just 10 minutes of the Indian ultimatum...'

[Whispers] 0h, thanks, cock.

Why you wear bloody short skirt, Meenah?

It's her school uniform. She has to wear it.

She not in bloody school now!

Riffat send from Pakistan.

Can't I wear me trouser suit?

No bastard hear what I say?! You pucking deaf?

No bloody look at your mum!

She no bloody help you!

I telling what to do!

- Understand?! - All right. She heard.

Bhentured, I fed up with you all, puckers!

If I not see you show respect, I pucking sort you all out!

I no more playing bastard games with you!

Whoa, Gunga Din!

Drinking the white man's brew?

What you doin' here, Abdul?.

It's me stag night. I'm gettin' married.

Who to?

I dunno.

Me dad hasn't bothered introducin' us yet.

Don't bloody starting,

'cause I'm not in bloody mood.

Look, Dad, we're fed up of being told what to do and where to go.

I warning you, mister, I not bringing you up like this.

Pakistani son always shows respect.

Dad, I'm not Pakistani.

I was born here. I speak English, not Urdu.

Son, you no understand 'cause you...no listen to me.

I trying to show you a good way to live.

You no English. English people never accepting you.

In Islam everyone equal, see?

No black man, no white man.

All Muslim - special community.

I'm not saying it's not, Dad.

I just think I've got a right to choose who I get married to.

You want choose like Nazir? Lose everything?

You want bloody English girl?. They no good!

They go with other men, drink alcohol, no look after.

If English women are so bad, why did you marry me mam?

Bastard! No go too far with me!

Do what I tell you!

Bas! You understand?

You understanding?!

I understand you. I understand.

I'll do what you want. I'll do what you want.

I will get married to a Pakistani.

Good!

And you know what I'll do then?

I'll marry a f***ing English woman as well.

Just like my dad.

[Brakes squeal and honks horn]

Mam! Mam! The Pakis are 'ere!

Right, here we go.

Come on, everyone, parlour, quick.

[Ella] George, they're here!

Right, come on.

Let one in and the whole tribe turns up.

- Salaam-alacum. - Earnest!

- Eh? Bugger off, bugger off! - Earnest!

- Salaam alacum, Mr Shah. - Waalacum-salaam.

Ella, Mr Shah.

Salaam-alacum.

Waalacum-salaam.

Salaam-alacum, Mrs Shah.

Why's she talking like that?

Would you like to come through?

- Abdul, salaam-alacum. - Salaam-alacum.

- Salaam-alacum. - Waalacum-salaam, Tariq, eh?

Salaam-alacum.

- Salaam-alacum. - Waalacum-salaam.

- Salaam-alacum. - Waalacum-salaam.

Sajid, come here.

- Please. - Thank you.

- 0of... - Is that too low?

Uh...

So, you found it all right, Mr Shah?

The thing is all these houses look the same...

To me.

[Posh voice] Meenah, would you fetch the tea?

Righty-ho.

How old are you?

Not old enough to get married, so don't ask me.

[Laughs]

I'm sorry about him, Mr Shah, he's, um...

He's just been circumcised.

Indeed.

Sajid, go see if Saleem here yet.

Ah, yes. Your college student.

Studying to be an engineer.

Ah, here's the tea.

[Speaks in Urdu]

Where did you get this sari?

Me Auntie Riffat in Pakistan.

Wear shalwar khameeze, it will look much better than this.

Her auntie said lots of girls

are wearing saris in Islamabad,

and she's quite well-to-do.

Riffat bloody stupid.

Even in Pakistan, women are getting too bloody moderns.

[Tutting]

Well, I think it looks lovely.

Well, it's just not traditional dress in Pakistan, Mrs Khan.

Tradition sees, Ella.

[Annie] Coo! 0nly me!

I didn't know you had visitors?

Annie, this is my friend, Mr Shah.

Hello.

His daughters go be married Abdul, Tariq.

You're lucky you two, aren't you?

Landin' a couple of belters like these.

Meenah.

your sons are joining my family.

You've brought them up respectful.

You're right there. They're a credit to her.

And George.

Bring no trouble.

[Annie] They'll do anything for you, Mr Shah.

Good Samaritans they are, just like in Bible.

[Sajid] Mam! Get off!

Maneer, cock, go and see what they're up to.

- Shut up! - The state of them two!

[Meenah] The one with the teeth's got a moustache!

[Maneer] Tariq's is like Quasimodo!

[Sajid] Mam!

- Were yours like that? - No.

I believe in firm discipline.

Especially in a non-Pakistani environment.

Well, I think you can be too harsh, don't you, Annie?

can go before I knock him out.

Not just me husband, Mrs Shah!

[Laughing and snorting]

Well, I'd better be going.

And congratulations, again.

Ta-ra, George.

You'd better get changed, they're dying to meet you.

[Sajid] That's cheatin'!

That the famous sculpture?

What you gonna do with that?

I'm not gonna do anything with it. 0i!

What is it?

It's an example of female exploitation in art.

Mrs Khan, how do you manage

with so many children and such little space?

I've got three double beds, and a single for Meenah.

But where will you put my daughters?

of the chippie with Abdul.

Don't worry, it's very roomy.

Wouldn't it be more convenient

if your sons were to live with us?

I thought daughters-in-law lived with their husband's family?

Wouldn't you be grateful for the space?

I know I would.

Excuse me, I'll, um...go and see what's happened to those kids.

You should've been here an hour ago. Where's me cigs?

Look what's in the box, Mam.

You dirty little bastard.

Mam, it's Art.

I'll Art you, you dirty little sod.

I'll burn the bleedin' thing!

- No! - Give it here!

[Arguing loudly outside]

[Saleem] You're pulling all the hair ouuutttt!

[Silence]

- Ahh! - Waah!

What is this thing?! Move it!

Take it away from me!

I am so sorry, Mrs Shah.

The hair came off in me hand.

This is an insult to me and my family.

I will never allow my daughters

to marry into this family of half-breeds!

At least they're not friggin' inbred like them monstrosities.

- Ella! - Who d'you think you are?

Tellin' me my house isn't good enough for your daughters.

Your daughters aren't good enough for my sons, or my house.

And if I hear another word,

I'll stick that fanny over your bastard head.

Your wife's a disgrace.

Ah, go on, piss off.

Go on, sling your bleedin' hook!

Go on, piss off! Piss off out of my house!

And take Laurel and Hardy with you!

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