Easy Virtue Page #5

That was uncalled for.

I realise it was a joke, but still...

You threw me to the wolves in there.

- Marion hardly constitutes wolves.

All right, you threw me to the voles.

Either way, you abandoned me.

Your sisters need to be restrained.

Restrained? Hilda breaks loose once

and she's almost institutionalised.

And poor old Marion...

Edgar drops by for a cup of sugar,

and mother has his name

engraved on the family crypt.

I'm sorry but it really is very funny.

- Hilarious!

Welcome to the petrified circus.

Meet the resident contortionist

who can't bend any further.

Then stop. Be yourself.

Let them live in your spell.

# You do that voodoo

that you do so well... #

You're right, of course. I'm a hypocrite,

pretending to be someone I'm not.

Especially since it isn't working.

What the devil has that dog dug up?

Pilot, what have you got there?

How could you not tell us?

Marion, it was an accident.

I am walking on eggshells here.

And I believe I panicked.

And once again, I'm very, very sorry.

How could you do it? How could you?

I imagine she lowered her full weight

onto the Chihuahua beneath her.

Marion, please.

John, did you have anything

to do with this?

No. No, I was the sole perpetrator

of Poppy's demise.

And ever since

I have been wracked with guilt.

Please, please, please

let me buy you a new dog.

You might buy your loved ones

in the United States,

but you can't in the United Kingdom.

How unfortunate.

You could at least show some remorse.

I am full of remorse. I just refuse

to invest in amateur theatrics

to convince you of my sincerity.

That's not how I came off

the assembly line. I'm sorry.

I can't change.

Not for you...

not for anybody... any more.

And I wouldn't want her

any other way. So...

Madam, the dog.

- Oh, stay back! Stay back!

I knew it the second

I laid eyes on her. She's a killer.

She sat on poor Poppy deliberately.

Don't be ridiculous.

Of course she didn't.

My brother has married a dog murderer.

She should be put down.

Put through a divorce court.

The Lord does not

sanction divorce.

The Lord is Almighty, Marion.

He can sanction anything he likes.

The sooner they move out

the better.

They move out?

John isn't going anywhere.

Watch and learn.

It's so unfair.

Why can't I have a room like this?

I could die of envy!

Laying to rest this tragic incident,

we've had this splendid set of rooms

made over for you, haven't we, Jim?

Yes. My wife would like you

to rest in peace.

I even had an old friend of Johnnie's

brought down from the attic.

"Old Faithful Awaits

His Master's Return".

I used to sleep under

that silly painting.

Very comforting, I'm sure,

but we're expected back in Mayfair.

But these are the largest rooms

in the house.

You'll find nothing like it in London.

She has a point.

- She always does.

Sometimes I don't know

why you ever did wander home.

And miss all the fun?

Cook would like to inform you,

Mrs Whittaker, the bird is stuffed.

Oh!

What bird, hmm?

Thursday is bubble and squeak.

I hadn't made any arrangements.

Oh, but I have!

In appreciation of your understanding

and for that delicious double bed.

We'll think of you every time we use it.

What exactly are we celebrating?

- Thanksgiving.

Thanks for what, hmm?

The annihilation

of an entire indigenous people.

A loving union of two great cultures.

Just like us.

- How transcontinental.

I can't believe you got into the kitchen.

- Beatrice did put up a fight.

But technically I outrank her.

- Who's Beatrice?

Your cook. Or now my undercook,

since I'm qualified cordon bleu.

That's a degree.

Furber... take the vegetables down to

the kitchen and tell Cook to cook them.

No, Furber, thank you.

I think I'll surprise my alimentary canal.

Mother, if you don't mind, I'm going

to eat my meal before it gets cold.

Furber, I've changed my mind,

bring it back!

Me, too.

Gobble, gobble!

Yes!

Here's a tip, Hilda.

A sure way to a man's heart is

through his stomach. Or his mother.

Larita, look, I've found

another likeness of Edgar.

Marion, this is Fatty Arbuckle.

- Who's in jail, I know that.

But if you cut out his cheeks

and give him a bald patch,

there's a striking resemblance...

Edgar's away on a trip

across the pond,

sewing his wild oats,

or something agricultural.

She's good, I'll give her that.

- I think you're over-reacting.

Lari? Lari!

Not the vase! Not the vase!

"Taking the corncockle buds

and bee-kissed roses

"roughly in his calloused hands,

"his hot, moist tulip exploded

in her river of delights..."

Larita?

Early Christmas present...

For you, darling.

- Ooh, the mind boggles.

Well, it's... it's...

It's magnificent.

It's monstrous!

It's me. I posed for a young Spaniard.

Don't you absolutely adore it?

Very expressive, darling,

but I can't quite see you in it.

You can see

everything else!

You took your clothes off

in front of a total stranger?

Of course she took her clothes off.

- I think it's unholy.

I'm not sure I approve of you being nude.

You know, without... without me.

Extraordinary.

What exactly are you

hoping to achieve?

Just trying to get into the swing

of things... Mother.

Marvellous! Well, then, you'll be riding

in the hunt with us, won't you?

I might be persuaded

if the painting stays.

Hunt.

- Paint.

Hunt.

- Paint.

Hunt!

Very well.

Hunt.

View, hello.

Hello, everyone.

Good to see you. Richard.

Morning, Jim!

After generations of false starts,

we've finally managed

to combine our cavalry.

Congratulations.

A marriage of minor convenience.

You'll be fine, I promise.

The second you have the Holborough

boy's eye, flirt outrageously.

But Warwick Holborough has ears

like the Cambridge Cup!

And Philip's the prize. Now, if you want

a man's attention... ignore him.

Warwick the Wingnut

and Sausage Fingers?

What a handsome couple.

They'll have puppies not children.

Wait... there's something I need to say.

I see you... you're wasted here.

When the time comes... give me a ring.

If I could find your neck, I'd wring it.

Larita's making sheep's eyes at Philip.

- She's a Venus de Flytrap!

She wants him all to herself.

- She's not interested in Philip.

Nobody's interested in Philip.

- I am!

Mount up, Larita.

If you don't mind, I think

I might give the fox a head start.

Lari, get on the pony, please.

Oh, it's just as I thought...

Oh, I said I'd ride,

and I'm always good for my word.

Tally-ho!

# Spy on me, baby, use satellite

# Infrared to see me

move through the night

# Aim, going to fire, shoot me right

# I'm going to like the way you fight

# Now you've found

the secret code I use

# To wash away my lonely blues

# So I can't deny or lie

cos you're the only one to make me fly

# Sex bomb, sex bomb,

you're a sex bomb

# You can give it to me

when I need to come along...

What?

# You're my sex bomb... #

What is she doing?

- A victory lap, by the look of things.

There's something wild about that child

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