Eddie Izzard: Definite Article

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They call it coming out of a book,

and youve got to do it at some

point in your life, havent you?

Youve got to just f***in come out of a

book, you know, surprise

your neighbours! Hey!

A f***ing big book next door, yes

Andy Warhol said, Youve always gotta

come out of a book at some point,

he said, and then, poof! And big hair

Or he said something like that.

So were here, yesThis is the

video, a very, very special video

a video album,

this is what it is

of all the incredibly funny things

in my brain, I suppose,

cause people think Im on

drugs, and Im not, Im really

quite, you knowjust a bit

of coffee, and Im really

When I take drugs, I start going,

Oh, insurance! Ever thought of?

And pensions! Very sensible!

So dont take drugs, otherwise youll

go like that! Just go Yeah!

But thimbles is what I really

wanted to talk about, because

you dont really - well, they dont get

enough press these days, do they?

I dont think they ever did,

because very rarely you see,

Thimbles:
Oh! Says Man

You know what I mean

Cause my Gran said,

Put a thimble on your finger, and it

helps you, in case

you slip with a needle,

the needle goes up, and

into brain, and death

and before thimbles

were invented, it was

Needle Death Tragic Whole Family!

Family of Sewers Tragic!

If Only Thimbles Were Invented,

says psychic man with big hat

and beard to match

Thimbles Compulsory for

Children in Many Buses

So yes The best thing

with thimbles is to put one...

on each finger, and then you

can do impressions of horses.

Horses with one too

many legs, I suppose

Cause they do have a metallic

sound, dont they, horseshoes?

Well, horses have got hooves, theyve

got this bit of semicircular metal...

nailed to each and every foot!

And thats just a con! For

centuries, blacksmiths saying,

Is that your horse?

Better nail a bit of

semicircular metal to each of his feet!

Oh, no, thanks, its got

hooves! Thanks very much.

No, better nail a bit

of semicircular metal on.

Have you ever had a blowout

on a horse doing 70? Yeah

Steel radials, thats

what you want, mate!

Are those anti-lock

hooves? Ooh, Im not sure

It is. Perhaps its a big con, theyve

done it very successfully for centuries,

but they were just

trying with all hoofed

animals. You got any more in your farm?

Cows! Bring them in,

theyve got hooves! And pigs

and sheep, hooves the lot

of them! Ill put shoes

And your ducks and geese,

get the whole bloody farm in!

And your next door neighbour.

The whole farm for 50 quid

Ducks going around, going

clang, clang, clang

Quack!

Swimming out in the water

They dont do the

breast-stroke, do they, ducks?

They just...

Any duck doing

that is really kind of crap.

And its also lucky,

horseshoes are lucky!

And horses have four bits of

lucky nailed to their feet.

They should be the luckiest

animals in the world!

They should win all their

horse races, shouldnt they?

Its after 3:
30, and today,

every single horse was first equal

One horse dropped a

shoe, came in fourth

And the duck was ninth.

Five ran

Its what they always say

at the end, dont they?

A bit of useless five run.

Are there people at home, going,

But how many run?

Or is it the idea,

Five run, one sauntered,

really one drove a small car

one windsurfed, one hang-glid.

Yeah, you decline the

verb to hang-glide, then

I hang-glide, you hang-glide,

he, she hang-glides,

we hang-glid,

you hang-glided,

they hang-glidededed.

Anyway, thats all rubbish!

Sometimes, though, you want to buy a

thimble, or a horseshoe,

or a bit of fluff,

or an elephant, and you go

down your local supermarket.

Dont laugh too much, please

The local supermarket,

you know; the hypermarket,

theyre big, fuckoff, huge,

big as a village these days,

And everyones in there:

trendy people, straight people,

rich, poor; everyone in there,

pushing trolleys, going,

Do we want yoghurt? I dont know

And you can push things

around, you can fill up

with stuff, and then you

get bored of your shopping.

Oh, forget that! I dont want it!

You can just leave your trolley,

kind of No, Im just

Pick another one,

Oh, Ive got this one!

But trolleys, they never

run straight, do they?

Have you ever flown on a trolley? Never!

Because theyve always got

the wobbly wheel off to the right,

hit someone in the stomach, and

they drop all their shopping in,

and then youve got their shopping

And if you hit an old lady, you get

hairnets and dog food!

Thats all they buy.

At a certain age, about

80, I think, they go,

F*** everything else!

Hairnets and dog food,

thats all I need now

Cause youre on bonus

time from then on, really,

so you might as well get weird sh*t.

Hairnets and dog food.

Hairnets, of course, are pointless;

weve all known this,

and weve marveled

at people putting them on,

cause when you take

them off in the morning,

youve got criss-cross

patterns on your hair.

Why, old lady? Why the hairnet?

Oh, the hair thieves!

The hair thieves,

they come in the night

Steal your hair, they

do! Sell us into slavery

in Azerbaijan.

And dog food as well. There was a dog

food a while back called Mr. Dog.

It was a small can of dog food

for small, yappy-type dogs.

And there was a big

advertising campaign, saying,

Buy Mr. Dog, for

small, yappy-type dogs

and maybe, theyll shut the f*** up!

So that was fine, and then there

was a stroke your beard meeting

back at Mr. Dogs headquarters.

Well weve sold but

two cans of Mr. Dog

which some people do say,

But two cans

Lets change the name! So they changed

the name, from Mr. Dog to Cesar.

Now thats a bit of an image

shift in my book of references.

Mr. Dog small dog, yes, you

can see the sort of linky there.

Caesar Roman leader

2,000 years ago,

small dog.

Bit of a strangled route

up to that one, isnt it?

Left at the traffic lights to get there

I think thats a 3:00 in the

morning decision, that one.

Its Caesar, well

call it Caesar!

Caesar!

What about?

Yeah, yeah, f***ing Caesar!

He was a Roman leader

Yeah, small dogs are

Roman leaders, arent they?

All right, Caesar! But

well drop the a out, right?

Cause it was C-A-E-S-A-R,

for some reason.

I dont think Caesar was

going 2,000 years ago,

I have defeated Pompeii,

Im first Emperor of Rome!

I wear the laurel wreath,

with the front bit bitten out

In 2,000 years time,

I shall be remembered as

a can of small dog food

for small, yappy-type dogs

and I shall be played by

James Mason in the film.

Yes, I shall, I shall

Thats what he used to

do, didnt he, James Mason?

Eh Heres Jimmy!

No, he didnt, thats a lie.

It would have freaked us out if he did!

Ladies and gentlemen, James Mason!

What are you doing, James?

Sorry, forget all that bit;

well cut that out. Now

Oh, yes! And supermarkets, yes

As soon as you go in, have you noticed?

They do psychological tricks on us.

As soon as you go in, you hit

fresh fruit and veg. You noticed that?

Every single time! You

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