Eddie Izzard: Definite Article Page #2

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go to France, Germany,

fresh fruit and veg,

and its psychological,

you go in, thinking, This is a

fresh shop! Everything here is fresh!

I will do well here

It is, think about it!

You never go in to the toilet paper section,

with the loo brushes and the squeeze

cause then you go,

This is a poo shop!

Everything here is made of poo!

Im not shopping here,

Im going to Azerbaijan!

I knew I didnt need to mime

any further, you got the drift

Yeah, so and all these

fruits have got vitamins

- vitamin A, of course,

which is good for

vitamin B, which we all

know is very good for

vitamin C is good for scurvy, isnt it?

Yes! Theres a lot of

scurvy around these days

People phone in, I cant come

in to work, Ive got scurvy, yes

Well, I live on a houseboat and

Yeah, frothing at the mouth, yeah

the old Captain Cook problem there

Theyve got vitamin D,

which again is good for

Vitamin E, which is good for skin,

and then thats it, no more vitamins.

The whole vitamin-naming

committee are going, Lets see,

vitamin F. Suggestions?

Oh, f*** it! Im off down the boozer

Azerbaijan.

And all these people made

food, like Granny Smith.

Granny Smith made apples. Who

was this woman, Granny Smith?

My name is Mrs. Smith, Ive made

apples out of bread, a dripping

and a bit of green paint,

and corrugated iron.

No, these are horrible

apples, Mrs. Smith.

Go away, Mrs. Smith! Go away

until your daughter has a baby.

Shag, daughter, shag!

Its a marketing idea, shag for babies!

My daughters had a baby,

Im Granny Smith now!

Come in, Granny Smith!

You a wonderful idea, you!

Come in with your shiny apples.

Brought family member, Mr. Delicious.

Hes got apples Gold

Delicious. Come in, Gold.

King Edward, abdicated the throne,

took up potato-making, there we go

Mrs. Simpson, jewellery

And theres Hitler as well,

they used to hang out together,

and Jeff Bruckley, of

the Bruckley family.

Its all about threes

apples are great,

apples are user-friendly,

just big, hearty

- you grab em, you go...

and then you start to eat them, and

Always do the dog impression first,

and when you get close to the pips

in the middle, you go, Ew!... and

you throw it away,

in case you swallowed a pip and

a tree comes out of your head.

We know this to be true

And oranges! Theres a big war,

dont know if you know,

but theres this sort of internal

war going on between the big,

old-fashioned oranges,

big, fuckoff, kind of

Stalinist, big,

fuckoff kind of oranges,

and the new baby Satsuma,

Minneola, kumquat,

MG:

Satsumari, kind of

Big fat war on that, because to eat a

Satsuma, its a piece of piss, you just go...

And you break off these

one by one, dont you?

And youve got so much of it,

and if theres people in the room,

you go, Go on, go on!

Its like a very cheap round, isnt it?

Go on, Satsuma for everyone!

And if youre the other person in the room,

you go, No, no Well, all right, yeah

Thank you very much. Yeah

So Satsumas are great,

eatings a piece of piss,

but you cant do it with an orange.

You go, You want a bit of orange?

Ive got f***ing ell!

Cant f***ing hell

Cause inside an orange -

its like the film Das Boot in there!

With Jrgen Prochnov going, Dont

let them get in to the orange!

Its most important! Or the juice

will get out, and itll not be good.

Theyre breaking in with

fingers, depth charges!

Let the peel come off

only in small chunks!

Sh*t!

Jesus Christ!

Theyre breaking in! Push all the pips

into bits they wouldnt expect, thatll do!

'Cause it is! Theres no chance

of someone eating an orange, going,

Hey! Youre very nice

Theres not a chance of someone

who speaks like that anyway

So oranges can f***

off, thats what I say!

And pears can f*** off too! Cause

theyre gorgeous little beasts,

but theyre ripe for half an

hour and youre never there!

Theyre like a rock, or theyre mush!

In the supermarket, people

are hammering in nails

Were just putting these shelves

up, mate, then you can have the pear.

Really, cause you do do that

squeezy-squeezy thing on fruit,

where you go Oh..! Squeezy, oh

Its a test- squeezy thing,

that youve seen French chefs

do on telly. Oh, squeezy, oh

But I have no frame of

reference, so Im going, Oh

Is that good?

Im squeezing it about this

much is that a good squeezy?

Cause it seems like such an

expert thing! They seem to go

This one! They dont even look

at it, they just Sometimes they go

Oh, sh*t!

No, its got a hole in it,

Im not really

Or just put it on the end of a

broom Yeah its the manager!

So f*** pears Pears are

like a rock, so you think,

Ill take them home and theyll ripen up,

and you put them in a bowl, and they

sit there going, No! No!

Dont ripen yet! Dont ripen yet!

Wait till he goes out of the room!

Ripen now! Now! Now!

And you come back in, and you

go, Ill just have one of these

Hey, these pears are dead!

These are dead pears, man.

Hey, what happened guys?

Theyre all going

And then theres banana skins as well.

Theres bananas and their skins;

theres all this sort of

slipping on a banana skin

and hilarity thats been

around for many years.

Now I dont know about you,

but Ive never actually, in my life,

ever seen anyone actually

slip on a banana skin in reality.

Ive never seen documentary footage

of anyone slipping on a banana skin;

Ive heard the stories, oh,

yes! People have told me stories

The Nazis did propaganda

So its all those fruits there,

and theres South African fruit we can

have now, without going, Oh, the guilt!

And star fruit, which are from Mars!

So its great, youve got all these

fruits, and you get a selection,

you take it home, you

arrange it in a bowl

and then you watch it rot!

You never eat it, really

Occasionally, you go up to it,

and go "Ah I dont think I will.

Ooh, a Mars bar, there we go!

Oh, Im full-up now!

And they all rot from

the bottom up, you go

Except for the oranges, that

sit in the back and go, No!

You chuck all the rest away, and

the oranges are sitting there, going

for months it sits there

in a Stalinist kind of way. So, yeah

And theres also labels in supermarkets;

youve got labels on the

food stuff now, so you can-

it says Four grams of

protein, you go, Ah!

Is that good?

Is that far too little protein?

Is it youre gonna die of protein

shortage, or youre gonna overdose on it?

0.02 milligrams of sodium.

Sodium explodes in water.

Do I need 0.02 milligrams of that?

Calcium - can you overdose on calcium?

Can you go

Well, I think theres too much calcium in

your diet. Yes, thats what I thought.

Are you eating a lot

of chalk salad? Yeah

So you make your choices

of stuff in the supermarket,

and you go down to where the queues are,

and theres 30, 40, maybe

a million queues there!

And you always choose one of those aisles

- when youre walking down,

its kind of enclosed in the aisle,

isnt it? Theres all this stuff there,

and suddenly... Its out,

and theres all the queues,

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