Eddie Izzard: Definite Article Page #3

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and you know youve got 30 seconds to

choose your queue, and youre going

Were all very good at queue

strategy now, have you noticed?

No one taught us this, we just go Were

going, Okay, 4, 4 looks pretty good

7. No, no, quite a few people, all

hand baskets. Hand baskets are good

Itll move fast. 17 just opened! You take

the French bread, you go on 17! Im on 4.

Keep in touch, keep in touch.

Whoever gets there first,

well join and we get out, OK?

Dropout on 7! Im on 7!

Sh*t, theyre paying with

Luncheon vouchers! Im back on 4!

Ive lost 4! You bastard!

I left my aura there

Always a good one

unless you get a ticket for parking.

Your aura is parked

there. Oh, sorry.

Youre fine, usually, in the queue,

until you see someone about three

meters behind you pull up in a queue,

and then theres a bit of a

delay, and theyre almost paying!

Theyre almost out! And

youre going, Come on! Come on,

theres a war on, you know?

And the new queue, thats what Im

always looking for, the new queue;

that is the end of the

rainbow, thats where

all the gold in the world

is stacked, the new queue!

Cause you could be fifth, sixth

in that sort of 15-minute queue,

and New queue! Youre in there!

And the fastest, the most

agile, the keen minds are there,

and youre looking in advance

for potential new queues.

People around the

till, putting money in,

and as soon as you see

it going on the till

But not too obvious, otherwise

everyone else in the queue sees you

so you just keep one eye on it, and try

Look over there! Theres a

badger with a gun! Can you see?

Surely hes going to kill new queue!

But then youre not sure - are they

opening? Are they just mending the till?

And you you dont want to Oh,

youre not? Oh, I was there! was there!

You can take all your clothes off

and put them on a string, and then

Oh, youre not? Okay.

Depends on what youre

wearing, of course.

A lot of you applaud, going, Yeah!

Oh, that wasnt that good, was it?

But theyve the beeping

machines these days!

Theres a bar code on all the stuff,

and theres a little sort of star-shaped

thing, and they just show it to it.

Like the machine is going, Yes,

all right Yes, thats still fine.

And it must get boring!

All day and the excitement...

that never happens...

is when it goes

F***ing make the

noise! Its some thing!

The machine is going, No, Im bored

- Oh, go on! Make the noise!

- No, I dont want to

Ill read it at you. Thick one,

thin one, thick one, thin one

thick, thick, thin

are you getting this? Thin

Oh, forget it! Ill just type out...

the handy 50-digit number,

Ill be with you in a second.

So much more efficient these days!

And you realize two sea anemones

have taken over your hands

sometimes.

Late night shopping in local

petrol stations, thats a form of

20th. Century shopping that I

dont think anyone would have

thought it was gonna happen.

And youre there, at 3:00AM,

especially in inner cities, this is

3:
00AM, youre at the petrol station,

theres a guy behind bullet-proof

glass, slumped over a desk, dead!

Or asleep, youre not sure,

you dont care; even if he is

dead, youre going, Wake up!

I want groceries

And he wakes up, and you go,

Oh, sorry, mate, sorry, I

just want o, I dont have a car

I dont have a car.

I do not have a car.

Theres a big communication

problem, isnt there?

Theyve built this bullet-proof

glass, and its sound proof!

Try to talk through the thing

I dont want any

Some brown bread, I just

want some brown bread.

Yeah, brown bread.

Right over there, brown

No, thats diesel oil

Brown bread, brown

Two words, brown bread.

First word, sounds like brown.

Brown! Brown bread!

3:
00 in the morning, and you get into this,

and theres a queue forming behind you

No, its brown bread, brown

A queue of murderers!

With different weapons!

Someone on a camel about here

people from Star Trek down here

And youre going,

Yeah, the brown bread!

Get the brown bread, man!

Just get it quickly!

Youre trying to give real

fuckoff vibes around here,

so that no one hassles you.

Yeah, bread for my bread gun!

Give me the bread!

What? Shredded wheat? Thats fine!

Ill eat that shredded f*** it!

Ill put marmalade on it, its fine.

And a packet of Rizzlers, thanks.

"Why do I want them?"

"I

Im a stamp collector,

and Ive run out of stamps,

so I thought...

Id get those clippy,

plain ones, you know?

Where you can draw

your own stamp in on it.

F***ing give it to me!

Then they do the dance of the tray

Aah! My hand! Thank

you. Can I have a bag?

Then they put this very thin bag

in, the thinnest bag in the world.

So thin, youre surprised

you get everything into it

Then you go off, and the whole

queue follows you. Follow him!

He speaks in sentences.

No, no, you must hassle him now.

He has the groceries.

Oh, groceries! Yeah, yeah

Hello, were murderers.

A Twix, please.

And theyre behind

bullet-proof glass there,

because, you know, its late at night,

people are hassling them,

if they go in the shop,

they try to nick stuff

And I must admit, I got caught

nicking stuff when I was 15,

and I was nicking makeup,

back in Boots in

Bexhill-On-Sea.

I couldve bought it, I couldve

saved up and bought it, but I thought,

if I bought it, someone might say,

Hey, youre a boy buying makeup!

You must be a trans-vestite!

And then Id have to

go, Oh, Sherlock Holmes!

How did you get to the

bottom of that one, you big,

deer-stalker, weird,

f***ing hat person?

Four dog ears!

Why is it called a deer stalker? Anyone

stalking a deer now, the deer would go

Theres a guy out there with four dog

ears, with two strings hanging off.

Im a deer stalker!

Thats a deer-stalker!

Dont know why, just

a stupid hat, I think.

Anyway, so I didnt buy

the makeup, I nicked it!

And I had a loaf of brown bread,

so I put it under this brown bread,

and I run out of the shop and down

Bexhill High Street, and they caught me!

But I was 15, so they let me

off with a warning, which was,

This lipstick is not gonna work

with this eye-shadow, no way!

Thats light blue,

thats a death colour!

You want a bit of foundation in this,

thats very cheap foundation. Oh

Thats a warning! Oh,

thank you, Chief Constable.

Also, I got done for

jumping a 20p tube fare!

This is my whole crime sheet, right?

Which is quite an interesting read 20p!

This is not Don Corleone,

this is Don Crap.

I jumped a 20p underground tube fare,

and I was waving a pass at the time,

you know, it was drawn

on a Rizzler or something;

it was a Bishop of Durham pass.

Im the Bishop of Durham

Oh, bless you, my son.

And the guy said, Youre not Bishop of

Durham! He wears a bigger hat than that!

So he got me. I got

him! I got the 20p kid!

Youve caused us 1.60 worth of

trouble, you have, in your time.

Ive got him and Ill be promoted

in the underground system.

Ill get my own darkness!

Then an off-duty policeman came,

and he had a pot plant and a camera,

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