Eddie Izzard: Definite Article Page #4

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on his way home for a good night

photographing pot plants, I suppose

This is all bizarre, but true;

this is what he had, and he said,

Ive got him too! Oh, Ill get

promoted King of Metropolitan Police!

And I thought, Im going down for 20p!

No, Im gonna run for it! Ill run for it

like Mel Gibson in the film Gallipoli,

and other people in running films.

So I run, and I run,

and I run, and I run,

and after five inches, they caught me

They called for backup, and now

20 policemen are coming down,

thousands of pounds worth of police

work Weve got the 20p kid!

20ps are safe from now on And three

policemen pulled me for five minutes!

I dont know if youve ever had this,

they grab one leg each, and I dont know

obviously, they were working together;

they thought I was struggling like

crazy, Id given up at this point.

one over here was going, Dont

struggle, there! Dont struggle!

People over here going, Eh!

Dont you f***in struggle!

So it was a continuous machine of

them pulling against each other,

had one hand free, I was

going, Hi! How are you?

Ill talk about this in many years

And then they put me in

Bower Street overnight,

and that became assaulting

a police officer!

Surely it was stretching a pedestrian!

It was! I got down for assault,

and I was running away!

Assault is motion towards, I feel

it takes an accusative.

Very rarely in war, they go,

Assault that hill over there!

Let me do a bit of stretching here

I should have been done for

deserting a police officer.

Theres a shop in South London which

was a very its still there, apparently.

Its in Tooting High Street, and

it sells two very disparate items.

On one side of the shop they put

them on different sides, its great!

One side is guns, and

knives, and harpoons

and f***ing

- really mean f***ing weapons.

On the other side, theres

banjos, and violins, and bassoons,

And you know about it, dont

you? Yeah! Its f***ing there!

And whats the guy doing?

Oh, were way down in weaponry,

but up on banjos this week

Thats good, people are getting

lighter these days, in tough times.

They shift to music like crazy at

the moment! Way down on bassoons!

hat, is this mad guy going

Someone browsing around

An Uzi machine gun, slices a man in

two, 200 rounds a minute, or a banjo!

A ukulele, like George Foreman.

You remember that famous fight,

George Foreman against Muhammad Ali?

That was very A dyslexic promoter

put it on, and it was brilliant

Im gonna kill him,

Im gonna kill him

Hey, turn that

Hey! Oh, its a big bugger!

Who put me up for this gig?

F***ing ell!

The trainer comes up,

Youre doing well, youre doing well!

Hes f***ing hitting me!

~ Neverthless Youre doing

well, youre doing well! ~

My ukulele is smashed.

Im going to that gun shop!

Guns & Banjos

interesting band. Now

It was a very wide reactiish thing.

Well cut this.

No, theyre gonna leave it in!

You noticed that when people say, Oh,

well cut this, its always left in there?

Anyway

Oh, I forgot my rest of

the show! How does it go?

Oh, emergency joke:

two men went into a pub

and they totally redecorated

it! It was brilliant!

Its an old joke

Oh, yeah, musical instruments!

I played the clarinet, right?

I wanted to play the piano,

but somehow I got a clarinet.

I dont know quite how that worked

Five people can play the

clarinet in the world,

and they make quite a beautiful, wooden

Its just a wooden noise, it floats

Thats not the noise, is

it? Its like a clarinet,

but I played it like

a foghorn being dragged

through a place where

foghorns shouldnt be dragged.

It was just it was bad noise.

And if youre an adult, and

youre playing a musical instrument,

youre probably making

some of this sound,

cause you want to play it,

your heart is in it,

youve gotta have feeling, you gotta go

You cant paint a picture

if you dont want to

Oh its the Eiffel Tower! You know

This is a splotch. Its the Eiffel

Tower. Youve gotta be in there.

Now, if youre a kid playing a

musical instrument, theres probably

a certain element of parental

pressure thats going in there.

Yes, little Johnnie, you

should play the violin,

because I never had the

chance when I was a child.

Well, youve got the chance

now, why dont you learn it now?

No No, I dont think I will.

I have to watch telly

and drive cars now,

its the pressure of being an adult.

But I dont wanna learn! I want to

go and smash things with hammers!

Yes, I know, but if you were musical,

oh, the world would be wonderful,

and I would hear the wonderful noise

Oh, f***ing ell!

So the kid goes, All right, Ill learn

the violin, but you wont like it!

Ill make a bad noise!

Practicing

Oh, f***ing ell!

The violin like this,

the cello is slightly bigger, with

a spike on the bow that kills you,

and the double bass you have

to rest on a friend to play

I played the clarinet.

And if you play a musical instrument; if

youre a kid and play a musical instrument,

you want to play sexy tunes, dont you?

I want to play sexy tunes!

I want to play tunes so that other

kids at school come up and say,

Hey, hes playing sexy tunes!

People who I fancy say, We must

dance provocatively in front of him,

like they do in films

we dont believe.

Playing the clarinet...

We will shag him as

soon as we know how.

That was where you

wanted to go, wasnt it?

You wanted everyone to go, Oh,

wow, what a hip f***ing dancey tune

But all the music lessons

just make you learn dirge!

I was learning from this book

called A Tune A Day, and

This tune is called

Snug As A Bug In A Rug.

So, is this a sexy

tune, Mrs. Badcrumble?

I just dont think, Mrs. Badcrumble,

that this is really gonna be a sexy tune.

No, its a totally sexy

tune on the clarinet!

I made love to this tune with my

husband in 1481, Ill have you know

You did? Its a very sexy tune?

All right, Ill have a go. Here we go

At what point did you

orgasm during this song,

Mrs. Badcrumble?

All through it, it was multiple!

They hadnt been invented

in 1481, but I got there

on a hang-glider.

Youre f***ing nuts!

The clarinets got a

wooden reed at the back,

and you have to push

it, you have to make

its not an ambesure, which is

something else, its a kind of vegetable

that flute players have to deal with

and if youre making a sound,

you squeak.

After a while, I was practicing and

my Dad was going, Stop practicing!

You sound crap!

I have bought a hammer!

You may borrow it if you wish!

Oh, it was a dreadful, f***ing noise!

And the clarinets like that,

but the oboe has two bits of

wooden reed pushed together,

you have to

Its designed not to let any sound in!

Its like trying to blow in a weasel!

The tuba! Who chooses to play a tuba?

Surely a tuba is a punishment

thing, surely its community service.

Youve been sentenced to three

years on the tuba. Oh, God!

Who wants to make

Its got a huge horn, you

can get a child in there!

The trumpets okay, but it makes

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