Eddie Izzard: Definite Article Page #5

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your cheeks go out to hamster-size;

theres a thing called a triangle,

its just a triangle, it goes ting!

Forget it, just with

your mouth, go ting!

The percussionists

Wheres your f***ing

triangle? Oh, grow up!

They do that, people

play these big cauldrons

its like doing it too loud

Yeah, true story

So theres all these instruments,

and I played third clarinet, right?

In the school band.

The first clarinets played the melody,

thats okay, you know

where youre going;

second clarinets played harmonies that

back up the melody and sort of link, okay;

third clarinets played the

notes that are left over!

We were just going...

Its boring! The only exciting way

to do it is really blow it loud!

The teacher is going, Piano! Piano!

You go, Its not a f***ing piano!

Its a clarinet...

you weird-talking person.

And then it was

These strange, f***ing noises,

and the teacher is going,

Oh, this is a God-awful band!

I know, Ill get the

parents to listen to this.

Then maybe theyll kill em!

And a big sign went up

School Band Will Play Tunes!

And no one from the local

town came, no hip people said,

Hey, were going down the

school, theyre gonna play a gig

Im gonna

stage-dive on the bassoon player

Just the parents came,

and sat down, going

Oh, theyre gonna kill us!

Were crap!

he teacher gets up, The school band

will now murder O Come All Ye Faithful.

The song has been arranged with

no real care.

Helmets will be worn

during the production.

Go!

Weasel, weasel.

Hamster...

Parents are going, Oh my God!!

We have spawned the devil!

Lets go and find hammers for them.

Poetry! Poetry is very similar to music,

only less notes and more words.

And there was a Scottish

poet called Robbie Burns-

Robbie Burns to Scottish people,

Robbie Burns to English people,

and Rabbi Burns to Jewish people

who turn up at his door and say,

What is the Hebrew translation?

I dont know, Im a poet,

I dont know this go away.

Are you trick or treat?

I need the translation

And he wrote poetry, he wrote

a big f***ing book of poetry,

but one of his most famous lines is

The Best Laid Plans O'

Mice and Men Aft Gang Aglay,

meaning The best laid plans

of mice and men often go wrong.

And because its poetry, people go,

Oh, I know what you mean there, Robbie,

yes F***ing plans ganging aglay...

by a f***ing truckload

And being a poet, he must have

observed humanity, must have said,

Men. Men make plans.

These plans go wrong.

Go wrong once, twice often!

Often, a number of

plans Ive seen go wrong

Possible idea for a poem

And then he must have turned

his attention to the other...

animal mentioned in

that line of poetry.

If you think back to it, The

best laid plans of mice and men

Exactly which mice plans was

he really honing in here on?

The best laid ones go aglay, some

of the worse laid ones are okay?

Some of them get through? He

was f***ing off this trolley!

See, mice also make plans,

unbeknownst to most people.

They plan to get cheese!

They run, they scamper

Oh, ones fallen over!

No cheese today

Oh, plan two:
theyve got

three, another ones got a stick,

hes gonna put the

stick into the mousetrap

No, hes broken the

stick! What a jessie!

Plan three Oh, theyve got

a flip chart now! Very serious

theres a lot of mise surrounding the

meeting, and theyre having a discussion

Oh, good plan this, probably!

Their best laid plan, I believe

I could just hear what theyre saying.

One mouse is going,You arent

supposed to blow the bloody doors off!

Told you about that

What are you doing, coming in

here, and making such a fracas?

Now tell me the plan.Well, well

drive the Minis into the square

No, piazza.

Oh, its piazza, Charlie?

And we load the cheese

in the back of the Minis,

and we drove it at you

during a football match.

Thats right. Wallop, wallop, wallop,

into the big coach driven by William,

rounding in the Alps, and were free.

And youre sitting in the back,

and youre not having a migraine,

and youre gonna shut your face.

All right, Charlie.

Meanwhile, back in London, the Chief

Mouse is talking to the prison governor-

Somebody has broken into my toilet.

Well, Im terribly sorry.

Get on to Camp Freddy, I want Charlie

Crocker given a good going-over.

So if you havent seen The Italian Job

this is all meaningless, by the way,

but then, if you havent seen it,

you probably havent lived Yes, yes

And sayings as well!

Sayings are very interesting...

cause theyre based on truth, then they

have got a bit of old wives tale on top,

then a bit of a hazy

farther, a bit of uncle banana...

and then youve ice-cream

on top, and its just rubbish!

I mean, like He doesnt

suffer fools gladly. We go...

Who does suffer fools gladly?!

How often you can go, Hello!

Ive got a pig in me trousers!

Come in!

Come in, you fool!

That pig sounds like a dog.

No, its a pig; I just cant

be bothered to do the impression.

Can my friend come in?

Hes got jam for brains

Yes, come in, you fool!

The other saying was

what was the other saying?

Oh, yes, Go and teach your

grandmother to suck eggs.

What on Earth is that one about?

Youve got a lot of free-range eggs,

All right, Gran, Im gonna

teach you to suck eggs.

Im not gonna suck eggs, Im not!

You piss off, you young children!

Theres a mouse here

making a plan, you see?

Planning to scale the

Eiffel Tower on a bat

Why are you Scottish, Gran?

I dont know

Ive been taken over

by Mrs. Badcrumble.

Oh, my hairnet! Its coming off

The hair thieves are upon us!

Now we do have haircuts,

dont we? Humans have haircuts,

and sheep have haircuts, and poodles,

and theyre the only three

animals in the entire world,

in the universe, as we

know, to have haircuts.

This is true, you dont get ants going,

You dont get lions going,

Ill go and get that antelope

Jesus Christ!

Ill put it in bunches, right?

The antelopes going, Theres a huge

girl with big teeth coming after me!

Run! Run!

The last one was the butterfly

Which is a pointless

swimming stroke, isnt it?

Remember when you had to stand

back in the swimming bars,

and some big, f***ing kid came

through doing the butterfly?

You just wanted to hit him with a

floater. F*** off with your butterfly!

F***ing show-off! We cant even

do doggy-paddle yet! Bastard!

Anyway, we do get haircuts,

and sheep get haircuts.

Some sheep must be going

into that shearing shed,

going, Hi, can I get

a coffee? Thanks.

Yeah, a little bit off the

top, loose down the back,

and sort of wedge-shaped,

thats quite in at the moment.

Thatd be great, thank you thank you

Well, its not

quite what I was after

Do you have a hairnet?

Ive done a bit of Latin in me time,

but I can control it, you know.

I never let it get out of

hand, I just have a dealer and

he sells me Latin transcripts,

and you know, Okay

so that late at night you just feel

like translating Latin for a bit,

upstairs, smoking in the coats room.

I dont know what

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