Eddie Izzard: Definite Article Page #6

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Im talking about now.

No, I did, I did Latin, I learnt Amo,

amas, amat Amo, amas, amatis, amant,

and it comes in handy. Yes!

Sometimes youre queuing at a petrol

station at 3:
00 A.M. in the morning,

and theres a line of

murderers behind you,

and you turn around and go, Amo,

amas, amat! Amo, amas, amatis, amant!

and they go, F***! He knows Latin!

He knows a dead language! Run!

Head for the hills!

Head for Azerbaijan!

Run down the Fort Court!

Yeah, I remember you did

it as an option, yeah

And the teachers with options

were, Yeah, learn Latin!

Youll get the whole underlying knowledge

of all the European languages!

Why dont we just learn the

European languages, then?

Thats a good point, yes

Its very rare youre at Frankfurt

airport and someones going,

Ja mein Herr, was ist los? and

youre going:
Sprechen Sie Latin?

Pugnato sum et kumquat and romanes

avec gallum et pugnato fish..

Ja, ja, aber was ist los?

I dont know,

I dont know,

what ist los? Do tell me

So I dont think its very useful today,

really,

and they had language labs! Language

labs came in when I was at school,

and that was great; you get in that

little cubicle, had a tape going around,

the headphones on,

and the tape would go,

"O est la plume de ma tante?

Monsieur, o est la plume de ma tante?

And youd go, La plume de ma tante

est prs de la chaise de ma tante

as well you know

And the tape would go: Oui!

Oui, la plume de ma tante est

prs de la chaise de ma tante."

Youd go, How does this tape

know what Im talking about?

And the tape would continue,

O est la plume de mon oncle?

And youd go, La plume de mon

oncle est bingy bongy boogy bongy

And the tape would go, Non!

Pas du tout!

La plume de mon oncle nest

pas bingy bongy boogy bongy

quest-ce que vous dtes?

Vous tes un putain!

Je ne suis pas un putain.

Je navais pas le sexe pour largent

quest-ce que vous

dtes, vous cassette?

And the tape would go, Oh, oh pardon.

Je suis dsol, vous avez raison.

je suis seulement un pauvre cassette.

'Sous la chaise, je

n'avais pas les pantalons'

Oh, its an old song! Yeah

I did an exchangeship with France;

yeah, the teacher at my school

said, Do you want one of ours?

Hes already loaded into the tuba.

And I went to a place called Chlons-

Sur-Marne, its on the river Marne,

otherwise itd be

Chlons-Sur no, nothing.

Its in the Champagne region of France,

which is North North-East,

and champagne is going

on there all the time.

They have loads of champagne,

and they celebrate all the time.

Youve crossed the road? Champagne!

Youve walked out of a shop? Champagne!

You can lean over a bit

like this? Champagne!

Big occasions You had

a baby? Here's the beer.

So its a bit of a

functional French town,

every countrys got a bit of oh!

Emotionally linked with Felix, though

And we were shown around

places of interest...

in Chlons-Sur-Marne; we were

shown around the

glue factory, you know.

When youre a kid, you go, Oui, oui,

le le usine de glue. Cest trs bien.

'Voici l'usine de glue.'

'Voici la porte de l'usine de glue.

'Merde.'

So we went around,

they showed us glue...

one pot, they lifted the lid,

there was just glue going around,

'Oui, c'est trs bien.'

And we ended up in a boardroom, and

a bloke with a flipchart was saying,

Voici lusine de glue.

Cest le flipchart et

quest-ce que cest?

Le fromage? Les souris?

Le Job Italian! Quest-ce

que Le Job Italian?

Qui est Charlie Croker?

Camp Freddy?

Mr Bridger

Sorry, just gave you the whole

list there. The cast list.

So he said, Oui, oui, cest

lusine de glue. Ah ici, cest

Ah, the glue making process, okay.

Ici un cheval, pas de glue,

un cheval, pas de glue,

pas de cheval, beaucoup de glue!

Oh, cest merde pour le

cheval! Oui, cest merde

And it was an exchange trip, so we

had to be re-exchanged, you know,

and this all took place in the

cross-Channel ferry, like it does.

And all my teachers went down, we all

went down on to the car deck, and...

my teachers switched on

the lights of their Rover

and the Chlons teachers switched

on the lights of their Citren.

All my teachers got out with

cricket bats and tennis rackets

And all the Chlons teachers got

out with French sporting equipment

a set of bulls.

And my head teacher is going,

Send the English kid over!

So I was pushed off with

a load of French bread

Cest un cadeau, un

cadeau! Oh, merci, merci

And the French kid was coming

over with a load of Brillo pads

Oui, oui, cest un

cadeau de les anglais.

Cest le shredded wheat.

Ils sont trs generous, nest-ce pas?

Oui, oui, on peut le manger. Oui,

un peu de lait, un peu de sucre

Et on mange, mange, mange, mange,

mange, mange, mange, mange, mange,

et aprs, pas de dents!

If you dont understand French, by

the way, all of this is very funny,

I assure it.

But were Europeans,

we can swing with it.

I did German tapes as well!

Big drop in your understanding.

The tapes going round and saying, Wo ist

das Kind, mein Herr? Wo ist das Kind?

And Id go, Das Kind

ist in dem Flughaben

as well you know!

And the tape would go, Ja, das Kind

IST in dem Flughaben. Aber warum?

Well, Im not really sure

Perhaps he likes the airplanes.

And then we did Latin tapes as

well, we did bloody Latin tapes,

and they were just lies.

It was pure lies because no one

knew what the bloody accent was.

They were trying to get you to learn

the Latin accent, and they had NO IDEA!

Because everyone was

dead, its a dead language;

the Romans, for all they knew, could

have said, Hello, were the Romans!

Hello, were the Romans.

Were the Romans.

"Hello."

Were the Romans, we want to come in

your country and take all your things.

They had no idea, so

they lied,

and they made up all this Roman accent,

which was kind of floaty,

it was Puella est in cana.

And that was too floaty for me, because

this is a very aggressive nation, very...

I mean, they werent into

democracy and diplomacy,

cause they were Greek words,

and theyd invaded them

They went round, invading countries,

with organized men with stabby swords,

stab, stab, stab

I just dont think they went

into Gaul, going, Hello

Are you the people of Gaul?

Wonderful! Well, we are the Romans.

Yes, we are. And...

you must be Chief

Vercingtorix, is that right?

No, I recognize you from

the Asterix books.

Well, were the Romans, I am a

legionary; this is our leader, Mr. Dog.

Mr. Dog's going, Yes, I am.

And a word with you,

legionary, if I may

Thinking of changing

the name, I am

Changing it from Mr. Dog to Cesar.

Had a word with

the marketing department

the marketing department of Rome,

and its Mr. Cesar

Oh, Im getting off this see-saw!

Its boring.

Bring me my horse,

thank you very much!

There we go, thats much better

Have we got steel radials

on the back of this?

Yeah Roman history was

fascinating because...

2,000 years ago they

murdered and killed a lot of people!

But 2,000 years ago,

forgive and forget, eh?

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