Eddie Izzard: Definite Article Page #7

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Let bygones be beegones.

Whatever a bygone is

Thats another saying, isnt it?

Let bygones be bygones.

Whats a bygone?

Well, its a gone

Oh, its a thing

thats gone by, isnt it?

Forget it.

That makes sense

So some sayings are true!

So what you do is you hit someone,

Why the f*** did you do that for?

Oh, its a bygone!

Its already done, its been done

No use crying over bygones.

Look, the bygones are coming!

Its the f***ing invasion

of the bygones!

Thats quite good, isnt it?

Invasion of the bygones!

Theyre all going,

Look, its no bother, really.

Thats a very British invasion.

Im terribly sorry, weve

overstayed our welcome.

We used to be imperialist bastards,

but now were just coming

quite politely. Hello

Yes! Back in Roman times,

when people died, they had

professional mourners come in,

which is a totally weird idea.

My husband is dead

Mr. Claudius is dead. Oh, God!

Which god? Oh,

Jove! By Jove, hes dead!

Tragedy Not the other god

that youre thinking about.

Ill try this again

Oh, my husband is dead!

F*** it! Forget the whole thing.

Re-cut. No.

My husband is

dead, Mr. Claudius is dead

And theres not enough grief!

Theres not enough grief in

this house to warrant his death,

I wish to beef up the grief!

Slave, get a message out to

Mourners-R-Us, will you?

Tell them I wish to beef up the grief!

Yes, let bygones be bygones.

Heres 10 denary for your trouble,

and get them straight back here, slave.

What do you think youre doing?

And up will come a very smooth guy,

Good afternoon, Im Mr. Marcellus.

Im from Mourners-R-Us.

Just a free sample there. Now

Thats very impressive!

Yes... I told you...

We can do both hands, ambidextrous.

Oh, Mr. Claudius

is dead, what a tragedy!

A great man - was he a great man?

I hope he was, yeah

A great big man, anyway.

Well, we have several

funerals on offer this week,

we have a special on,

the cheap one - we call it

Oh, bum, hes dead! funeral.

Its our bargain, 25 denary, and

thats just Mr. Claudius out front,

and just myself about 10 meters

behind, just a little bit pissed off.

Oh, bum! Thats the Oh,

Bum! funeral,

not much bother, shove him

in the ground, no problem.

For a full 50 denary, we

got myself and Flavius here,

at either side of the funeral cortge,

slightly more geared up, slightly more,

Oh! Tragedy! Tragedy!

He was a great man We

could have a CV at this point

Oh, he made jam

played the

ukulele, all these things

in the George Foreman quartet

and well poke people with sticks

to make them cry more.

Go on, cry, you bastards!

Thats our 50 denary.

And for a full 100 denary, you get all

four of us carry the deceased along,

and then we gently lower him

into the ground on straps

and then well twang him into a tree!

That end bit isnt

really authentic, is it?

But just to tail off the whole piece,

so I started twanging him into trees!

And it gets a big laugh,

and then I carry on

Thats comedy for you!

But were kind of lugubrious about, you

know, funerals and people dying, and...

we always mourn the death

throughout, when celebrating the life...

is a different attitude.

And I think, twang em

into trees! Thats what I say.

Wouldnt you rather die

and be twang into a tree?

The jury is out for

that one, you know

Just think about it,

give a lot of fun to people

Oh, it didnt! Bring it back,

bring it back Come on!

Duel funerals

Funerals on bonfire night

Its an option, we can go that way

if we want to. So, yeah

Also, back in Roman times,

Pliny The Younger wrote letters.

He was a letter-writer,

its a great bloody profession, isnt it?

Oh, Im gonna write some letters today...

April 7th

Hed just write postcards, ello. Bye!

Cause people do write really

crap postcards, you know.

Im here. Youre

not. Bye!

Or you start getting interesting,

just at the bottom of the postcard,

and you start writing all along

Anyway, I dont know that Pliny did

postcards, but he wrote from Vesuvius;

he was at Mt. Vesuvius

when it erupted,

on the West coast

of Italy, back in A.D.

which is a wary man.

No, it was 80-79, right?

So thats kind of the time

period, and he was there.

Dear Father, I am here at

Vesuvius, it is erupting as I speak.

F***ing ell!!!

Get me

out of here!!

The tops come off the mountain!

Theres stuff everywhere!

Send ships and big ships.

Send f***ing dogs

Get on to Mr. Dog,

tell them to send people

Apart from that

everythings gorgeous.

Got a great tan,

even though we all have it

cause were in Italy.

Love and kisses, Pliny the Younger.

P.S.:
Nothing.

Yeah And St. Paul,

he wrote letters, didnt he?

St. Pauls Letter to the Corinthians.

Always writing to the Corinthians.

St. Pauls letter to the Corinthians

Chapter 1 Verses 1 to 53.

Dear Corinthians,

as you can tell from my preamble,

its gonna be quite a long

letter.

Here we go:

Dont do bad things,

only do good things.

Always treat your neighbour like

someone who lives near to you.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Never put jam on a magnet.

Never throw your Granny in a bag.

Never suck all the juice

out of a vampire.

Never lean over on Tuesday

Lots of other things, but I gotta

go and have a Mars bar now.

Love, Paul (Saint).

Is that how he wrote his name?

Paul (Saint).

B.A. honours.

Yeah, so he wrote this All

right, thats the end of the letter

The Corinthians

Corinth.

They mustve been real f***ed off

over in Corinth, dont you think?

The postman going, Come on, one of

you Corinthians, gotta take this letter.

Oh, f*** off! Thats from

old mourner St. Paul, isnt it?

No I dont want it, I dont want it!

You gotta take it. Come on,

I gotta have a signature for it.

Oh, f*** off! It says the CorinthianS

,plural. Ask someone else.

Oh, give it here.

What does it say? Dont do this,

dont do that

Never put a sock in a toaster?

Jam on a magnet Ooh, hes

lost his brain, aint he?

Whose idea was it to be a pen-pal

with St. Paul anyway?

That f***ing backfired, didnt it?

Hes supposed to stop doing it at

about 15, hes been doing it for years

Come on, Corinthians,

come on, general meeting.

Were gonna write a letter back

to him, stop all this rubbish.

The Corinthians Letter

Back to St. Paul,

Chapter 1- Verses 1 to a million.

More letters to follow.

Tuesday 28th...

of something.

Dear Paul (Saint, apparently),

F*** OFF!

Just fu- who are you?

Why do you keep sending these letters?

You arrogant bastard, you send

a letter to an entire city!

What do you want us to do, put

these up in a board or something?

Just f*** off!

Youre coming on like

Alistair Cooke, for fucks sake!

Never put a sock in a toaster,

whats all that about?

You daft git!

Love and kisses, the

Corinthians.

Kiss, kiss Steve the Corinthian, Fred

the Corinthian, George the Corinthian

There we go St. Paul

Outside Corinth

And the Carthaginians as well!

Oh, they gave the Romans hell!

Because they attacked

Rome, the Carthaginians did,

over the Alps on elephants

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