Eddie Izzard: Definite Article Page #8

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and the Romans were

never expecting that.

The Romans were there, going, What?

The Carthaginians attacking?

God! I knew it!

What? Attacking over the Alps?

Damn! I knew theyd do that!

What?

Theyre coming on elephants?

Where did they get the elephants?

There arent any elephants in Europe!

This Ive gotta see

Are you sure?

You sure its just not a typo mistake?

The Carthaginians are attacking, theyre

coming over the Alps in their element?

Happy, you know?

Theyre coming on f***ing elephants

They werent gonna, you know, they

were gonna come on skis, of course.

That was the way in

down the f***ing Alps.

But their leader, Hannibal,

and his brothers,

Hasdrubal, Haveaball and Haveabanana,

whose real name was,

whoa! Have a banana

And Hannibal went to the shop,

and said, Skis for all my men!

Were gonna attack the

Romans over the Alps.

And the guy said,

Sorry, I didnt catch that.

Were gonna attack the

Romans over the Alps, in fact.

Oh, all right. Well, fresh

out of skis at the moment.

The last pair just went to someone.

Oh thats a bummer.

Weve got some elephants, though

Are they good at skiing?

Oh, tops!

Top skiers there

Cause elephants were much more

lithe back in Roman times,

much more like Austrian

skiing instructors are today

Off the tops of those

roofs of chalets

What about the people who

lives in those wooden huts?

F*** off my roof!

Stop skiing off my roof,

you bastards!

Bloody elephants!

All my life living at Heathrow,

coming out here

f***ing ell!

Bit of peace of quiet and whoom!

F***ing elephants on my roof!

Sorry about that, Mrs. Badcrumble!

Anyway So you think I should

take up the clarinet, do you?

Yes, I do, I think itd be very good.

Mr. Cesar here has been learning

the clarinet for some time now.

Yes, I have, its a very good

instrument

Its very sexy.

Im learning Snig as a Bug in a Rig.

Isnt that Snug as a Bug in a Rug?

Yes.

Well, Ill go on, Mrs. Badcrumble.

I mean, you know, Im just

Why am I Australian, by the way?

I dont know.

My country hasnt

even been invented yet

except by the indigenous

tribes who lives there

Whoa, there we go!

I dont know what

all that bits about

Sorry about

living here in this hut

F*** off my roof! Im gonna put a

huge hairnet up, thats what Ill do

That will stop them from doing it.

Elephants going,

And youre gonna stay there!

Can we have our ball back, please?

So he did, and Hannibal said,

Well, all right,

you proved it with

that small film there

Youve let me into it

with that small elephant ski

Are you sure

its a good idea?

Oh, yes! If youve never

seen an elephant ski,

then youve never been on acid

Too true, as the old film shows.

Right! Elephants for all my men.

What size do you take?

Six and a half, thanks.

All right, you guys better

be good at skiing.

Huge ski sticks.

And the ski lifts back in those days were

enormous! I dont know if youve seen

The Carthaginians are

sitting in those bucket seats,

with two elephants

hanging off their feet

The Carthaginians are going,

Oh, my thighs!

The whole military thing is very

organized; its a very tight regime.

You need to have a military, I think,

because its very hip to say,

Oh, all military should disband!

but you keep getting

organized shitheads

that wanna kill people

come along, like Hitler.

If its just a shithead, thats fine; but

if its an organized shithead, people go

And thats the problem.

Every army has rules;

there are no casual armies that go, Oh,

ello, General! "Oh, ello, Corporal.

Its all, Yes, Sir! No, Sir!

Yes, Sir!

And theres all these different salutes.

Youve got the British one, the

American one, the French one,

and countries in Eastern Europe, new

countries, going, Well, we cant use that one,

and that ones been

What about this one?

Almost a surrender kind of thing

Well, theres that one

or this one

or this one we quite like

Go for that one.

Afternoon, General.

Afternoon, Corporal.

Its not very efficient either, that

What about that? Thats

much more efficient, sure.

Civilians, we have a hand-shaky kind of

agreement- kind of greeting thing.

And people sometimes say to you,

Oh, come here! I want you to

meet a whole bunch of people.

Suddenly, youre meeting

eight people all at once,

and they all tell you their names.

Hi, my name is Steve.

Steve, hi.

My name is Jennifer.

Jennifer.

Bernard

At the end, you go,

Good to meet you all.

Did you have names?

I didnt hear a thing!

Theyre all over here, arent they?

And some people do those squeezy

handshakes; that crusher handshake,

you know, the Small-Dick-Ive-

Got-A-Big-Handshake kind of...

The Compensation Handshake.

A firm handshake is great,

but that crusher one...

where they start to rotate

your knuckles, you know?

Youre going, Hi, how

are you? Nice to meet you

And they go into this, and you

dont react, you just go

Jesus Christ!

We should react because theyre

gonna get away with this,

they just keep doing this

stupid crusher handshake;

they think its very...

Ooh-I-have-an-enormous-penis!

handshake,

but we know

its a small dick handshake.

And you should react; if someone starts

crushing the life out of your hand,

just go, AAAAAAAAH!

F***ing hell!

You bastard!

Good Lord!

Hope you die in a car crash!

Either that, or the complete opposite,

and just collapse on the floor.

Oh, you killed him!

You killed him dead, man!

Now he suffers from

hand-squeezy death.

Yeah, you killed him

Im gonna tell on you!

The other type of handshake is

that sort of sock in a cart...

handshake you just receive, you know?

Oh I dont know, 2 kilograms,

2.5 kilograms, what do you think?

You should always have a fish

up your sleeve for that one,

someone gives you that kind of drop-in

handshake, then you just slap in the fish

Hey, your hands come off!

Oh, its a fish

Yes, a present from my country!

Done in one! Done in one!

Done in one!

Then its the cool handshake,

the street handshake,

which is there, and then there,

there and there and

sometimes and bits

after it, you know?

You cant ask how its done,

you just have to know it,

thats what cool is all

about. You just know

and you dont actually just know, cause

no one knows, so you have to watch it

And you go home and practice

furiously on five bananas

until the thumb comes off.

Cool is a pursuit of youth, its

a fashion link thing being cool.

Its linked to the circle- youve got

Looking Like a D*ckhead over here,

Average Looking, Kind of Cool,

Cool, Hip and Groovy

Looking Like a D*ckhead!

I have been known to cruise

in that back area

I can walk down the street and

get these opposite reactions now.

I can walk down, and people go,

Makes you feel really good, but sick

And yeah, so

There was a look back in the 50s...

that was a matchstick

out of the corner of your mouth,

in the sort of James Dean kind of

era, and it was considered quite cool.

Its quite timeless as well,

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