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Eddie Izzard: Definite Article Page #9
- UNRATED
- Year:
- 1996
- 109 min
- 928 Views
it just works, I dont know quite why;
you lean up against a wall,
and you have it there,
and you roll it around, and occasionally
you pull it out and go, Hey, you, kids!
You kids be cool
What a wanker! Who is he?
Hes eating a match!
Yes, I am
Its the urban equivalent of the
country, kind of yokel character,
with the ear of corn
out of his mouth,
going, Hey, you, kids!
Never suck the juice out of a tractor.
Whats that?
The tractor going...
All the juice sucked out of it.
How do you mime a tractor thats
had all the juice sucked out of it?
Thats my one Anyway
Just a thumbnail sketch.
So
Oh, yes! I just forgot
what I was talking about.
So one matchstick out of the corner of
your mouth, mm-hmm-hmm, quite cool.
Second matchstick out the
other side of the mouth,
and youre looking like a d*ckhead!
Youre right A third one in the front,
looks like your teeth are sliding out
Eye patches have a
similar number problem.
One eye patch, looking quite cool!
Two eye patches
hello?
Three eye patches- now whats
going on here?
Pirates and the kid at
school with the lazy eye,
they were the two
groups that had eye patches;
again, very disparate.
I dont know how you do sub-sets
with them, but anyway
And the lazy-eye syndrome, you have
one eager beaver eye, that goes,
Oh, look at
that! Oh! Oh!
and the other eye is going,
Hey, Im in bed! Im in bed!
Chill out, man!
Youre missing the best part of
the day. Oh, f*** off!
So you put the eye patch over your
lazy eye, so it can have a snooze, yeah?
Long John Silver had an
eye patch, quite cool.
Also had a parrot on his shoulder
It was the wrong bird,
he should have had a mina bird!
Cause parrots, they suffer
from the beautiful plumage,
cause theyve got greens,
and yellows and reds
real vibrant colours that really
kick out, and you go, Ooh, wow!
but they look great and talk shite.
Squawk!
Squawk! Pieces of eight, ello!
A bird that says pieces of eight
is equivalent to having a
bird on your shoulder, going,
4.53!
4.53!
Shut up, bird, shut up.
Dont say that!
4.53!
Shut up! Stop talking prices!
Yeah, stuff them! Mina birds are much
better; theyve got slick black feathers,
and they sit on your shoulder,
and they say things like,
Oh, look at that sunset!
If you ever see them in a pet shop,
they want to get out of the pet shop;
they hate being cooped up in there,
they say things cause theyre bored.
People come up, and they say,
Ooh! Nice shoes
I like your haircut, you know?
I think youre sexy!
Thats a nice bird! Can I buy it?
But be careful, when you
take the mina birds home,
they dont like it; they think
theyre getting their freedom
once theyve been bought,
but you take them into the lounge and
they get pissed off, they get sullen
Youve got people around,
and they go, Oh, they hate you!
What was that, mina bird?
You heard me
They hate you!
They put poison in your coffee.
Theres a pig under
the table with a gun.
I control them
through this cuttlefish here
Cause birds fly and we
have airplanes, thats the deal;
but no ones put a flying bird,
a bird that can fly, into an airplane.
Itd be amazing, because it wouldnt
be flying, but itd be flying!
A mina bird in a 747
The birds outside
These birds are flying
very fast, of course!
Sh*t! Oh, Im not flying,
Im sitting!
Sorry?
White wine, please.
Theyre hanging on to the side!
I havent got fingers,
could you cut this up, please?
Thank you very much.
We have a fascination with flying,
hang-gliding is the
closest weve got.
Theres a cliff near where I used to
go to school, in Beachy Head,
and its a big, chocolate, 300-400
foot, maybe a mile high, who knows?
We certainly dont, cause we have
no idea.
Well, were metric now,
so 30 cubic litres high, all right?
And the road goes very close,
if you go to Beachy Head,
and people get out of the cars and
they just want to look over the cliff.
We want to look into the jaws
of death, we have that thing;
and when
you get close to the edge,
your brain goes
And if theres two of you there,
you go Get out there!
What is all that about?
You cant chuck each other off!
You know, whoever youre
going out with Come on!
And everyone does a lot of wait-on-
the-back-foot type walking as well,
in case theres a big crack,
and everyone goes
And you just go lift and stand back
They old Playtex two-step
lift and stand back.
And its pointless, jumping-
it would be interesting up to a
point to jump off a cliff, up to
Up to that point
After that, Oh, no, no, no!
At the bottom, on the jaggy rocks,
and there, a lot of crabs
and seaweed going, Ol!
Si-or!
All the time I was doing that,
I was thinking of a Spanish
word to say at the end of it
came out a bit weird, didnt it?
Should have been Seor!
not Si-or! That just sounds
like a brand of f***ing cigarettes
from the 40s or something. God!
Weird analogy Anyway...
Even now Oh, f*** it!
And so and so what?
Oh, yes, wizards!
Now wizards
well, a bit of a jump there, but they can
fly, cant they?They can f***ing fly!
They can f***ing do anything,
because they have the big
staff, the big, sort
of Gandalf kind of like
Ill turn you into a pig!
kind of thing.
And when shits happening,
its great to be a wizard,
Ill turn you into a pig!
We cant do that,
but the closest weve got to it,
its the TV control,
when youre in your flat,
on your own, you can go, 2!
Ill have a bit of 3, thank you.
2. 3. 2. 3. 1!
In North America,
theyre going, 78! 87! 54!
Were going, 4!
Volume, volume, volume, mute
fast forward, rewind
And then the pause button
you press Pause,
a video, I want it to pause
But you press it, and
everyone in the film goes
Surely, that button
should say La Cucaracha.
Wed love a La Cucaracha button,
youd go, La Cucaracha!
Im gonna make a toffee
A coffee, that is, not a toffee.
Switch it off, Im gonna make
a toffee, thats a f***ing hour!
The coffee is the better one,
I dont know f*** it.
Ah, yes
But I talk about television,
I know television,
Im a child of the television age...
all the gadgets as well;
I like those, but if you lose the control,
we just sit there, going, uhhh
Switch the telly on.
No, Ive lost the control!
We cant even switch it on
by hand, the television is smooth
In the old days, youd say,
Change the channel! No, you
change it! Change the channel!
Eventually, the mouse is going,
Oh, its not in the plan I had!
Ill change the channel, f***ing
and the button was
really long in the 70s,
or that turny one
BBC1
BBC2
oh, its
come off!
And after a while, the batteries
start to go. 2. 2. 2! 2! 2!
And when this happens,
you take the back off,
you put your hand up
against the batteries,
and you roll them up and down
Yeah! That gives you an extra
two days on batteries!
Two days before the long
walk down to the petrol station
to queue with the murderers
La Cucaracha.
Yeah Wizards never have that problem,
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