Eddie Izzard: Definite Article Page #9

Synopsis: 'Definite Article' marks that thrilling moment when a promising talent moves up several gears into major stardom"--Daily Telegraph, UK
Director(s): Ed Bye
Actors: Eddie Izzard
 
IMDB:
8.5
UNRATED
Year:
1996
109 min
928 Views


it just works, I dont know quite why;

you lean up against a wall,

and you have it there,

and you roll it around, and occasionally

you pull it out and go, Hey, you, kids!

You kids be cool

What a wanker! Who is he?

Hes eating a match!

Yes, I am

Its the urban equivalent of the

country, kind of yokel character,

with the ear of corn

out of his mouth,

going, Hey, you, kids!

Never suck the juice out of a tractor.

Whats that?

The tractor going...

All the juice sucked out of it.

How do you mime a tractor thats

had all the juice sucked out of it?

Thats my one Anyway

Just a thumbnail sketch.

So

Oh, yes! I just forgot

what I was talking about.

So one matchstick out of the corner of

your mouth, mm-hmm-hmm, quite cool.

Second matchstick out the

other side of the mouth,

and youre looking like a d*ckhead!

Youre right A third one in the front,

looks like your teeth are sliding out

Eye patches have a

similar number problem.

One eye patch, looking quite cool!

Two eye patches

hello?

Three eye patches- now whats

going on here?

Pirates and the kid at

school with the lazy eye,

they were the two

groups that had eye patches;

again, very disparate.

I dont know how you do sub-sets

with them, but anyway

And the lazy-eye syndrome, you have

one eager beaver eye, that goes,

Oh, look at

that! Oh! Oh!

and the other eye is going,

Hey, Im in bed! Im in bed!

Chill out, man!

Youre missing the best part of

the day. Oh, f*** off!

So you put the eye patch over your

lazy eye, so it can have a snooze, yeah?

Long John Silver had an

eye patch, quite cool.

Also had a parrot on his shoulder

It was the wrong bird,

he should have had a mina bird!

Cause parrots, they suffer

from the beautiful plumage,

cause theyve got greens,

and yellows and reds

real vibrant colours that really

kick out, and you go, Ooh, wow!

but they look great and talk shite.

Squawk!

Squawk! Pieces of eight, ello!

A bird that says pieces of eight

is equivalent to having a

bird on your shoulder, going,

4.53!

4.53!

Shut up, bird, shut up.

Dont say that!

4.53!

Shut up! Stop talking prices!

Yeah, stuff them! Mina birds are much

better; theyve got slick black feathers,

and they sit on your shoulder,

and they say things like,

Oh, look at that sunset!

If you ever see them in a pet shop,

they want to get out of the pet shop;

they hate being cooped up in there,

they say things cause theyre bored.

People come up, and they say,

Ooh! Nice shoes

I like your haircut, you know?

I think youre sexy!

Thats a nice bird! Can I buy it?

But be careful, when you

take the mina birds home,

they dont like it; they think

theyre getting their freedom

once theyve been bought,

but you take them into the lounge and

they get pissed off, they get sullen

Youve got people around,

and they go, Oh, they hate you!

What was that, mina bird?

You heard me

They hate you!

They put poison in your coffee.

Theres a pig under

the table with a gun.

I control them

through this cuttlefish here

Cause birds fly and we

have airplanes, thats the deal;

but no ones put a flying bird,

a bird that can fly, into an airplane.

Itd be amazing, because it wouldnt

be flying, but itd be flying!

A mina bird in a 747

The birds outside

These birds are flying

very fast, of course!

Sh*t! Oh, Im not flying,

Im sitting!

Sorry?

White wine, please.

Theyre hanging on to the side!

I havent got fingers,

could you cut this up, please?

Thank you very much.

We have a fascination with flying,

hang-gliding is the

closest weve got.

Theres a cliff near where I used to

go to school, in Beachy Head,

and its a big, chocolate, 300-400

foot, maybe a mile high, who knows?

We certainly dont, cause we have

no idea.

Well, were metric now,

so 30 cubic litres high, all right?

And the road goes very close,

if you go to Beachy Head,

and people get out of the cars and

they just want to look over the cliff.

We want to look into the jaws

of death, we have that thing;

and when

you get close to the edge,

your brain goes

And if theres two of you there,

you go Get out there!

What is all that about?

You cant chuck each other off!

You know, whoever youre

going out with Come on!

And everyone does a lot of wait-on-

the-back-foot type walking as well,

in case theres a big crack,

and everyone goes

And you just go lift and stand back

They old Playtex two-step

lift and stand back.

And its pointless, jumping-

it would be interesting up to a

point to jump off a cliff, up to

Up to that point

After that, Oh, no, no, no!

At the bottom, on the jaggy rocks,

and there, a lot of crabs

and seaweed going, Ol!

Si-or!

All the time I was doing that,

I was thinking of a Spanish

word to say at the end of it

came out a bit weird, didnt it?

Should have been Seor!

not Si-or! That just sounds

like a brand of f***ing cigarettes

from the 40s or something. God!

Weird analogy Anyway...

Even now Oh, f*** it!

And so and so what?

Oh, yes, wizards!

Now wizards

well, a bit of a jump there, but they can

fly, cant they?They can f***ing fly!

They can f***ing do anything,

because they have the big

staff, the big, sort

of Gandalf kind of like

Ill turn you into a pig!

kind of thing.

And when shits happening,

its great to be a wizard,

Ill turn you into a pig!

We cant do that,

but the closest weve got to it,

its the TV control,

when youre in your flat,

on your own, you can go, 2!

Ill have a bit of 3, thank you.

2. 3. 2. 3. 1!

In North America,

theyre going, 78! 87! 54!

Were going, 4!

Volume, volume, volume, mute

fast forward, rewind

And then the pause button

you press Pause,

and when I press the pause on

a video, I want it to pause

But you press it, and

everyone in the film goes

Surely, that button

should say La Cucaracha.

Wed love a La Cucaracha button,

youd go, La Cucaracha!

Im gonna make a toffee

A coffee, that is, not a toffee.

Switch it off, Im gonna make

a toffee, thats a f***ing hour!

The coffee is the better one,

I dont know f*** it.

Ah, yes

But I talk about television,

I know television,

Im a child of the television age...

all the gadgets as well;

I like those, but if you lose the control,

we just sit there, going, uhhh

Switch the telly on.

No, Ive lost the control!

We cant even switch it on

by hand, the television is smooth

In the old days, youd say,

Change the channel! No, you

change it! Change the channel!

Eventually, the mouse is going,

Oh, its not in the plan I had!

Ill change the channel, f***ing

and the button was

really long in the 70s,

or that turny one

BBC1

BBC2

oh, its

come off!

And after a while, the batteries

start to go. 2. 2. 2! 2! 2!

And when this happens,

you take the back off,

you put your hand up

against the batteries,

and you roll them up and down

Yeah! That gives you an extra

two days on batteries!

Two days before the long

walk down to the petrol station

to queue with the murderers

La Cucaracha.

Yeah Wizards never have that problem,

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Eddie Izzard

Edward John Izzard (; born 7 February 1962) is an English stand-up comedian, actor, writer and political activist. His comedic style takes the form of rambling, whimsical monologue, and self-referential pantomime. He had a starring role in the television series The Riches as Wayne Malloy and has appeared in films such as Ocean's Twelve, Ocean's Thirteen, Mystery Men, Shadow of the Vampire, The Cat's Meow, Across the Universe, Valkyrie and Victoria & Abdul. He has also worked as a voice actor in The Wild, Igor, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, Cars 2 and The Lego Batman Movie. Izzard has cited his main comedy role model as Monty Python, and John Cleese once referred to him as the "Lost Python". In 2009, he completed 43 marathons in 51 days for Sport Relief despite having no prior history of long-distance running. He has won numerous awards including a Primetime Emmy Award for Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program for his comedy special Dress to Kill, in 2000. Izzard's website won the Yahoo People's Choice Award and earned the Webby Award. Izzard is openly "a straight transvestite" having cross dressed both on and offstage.Izzard has campaigned for various causes and has been a Labour party activist for most of his life. He twice attempted to be elected for a seat on Labour's National Executive Committee, and when Christine Shawcroft resigned in March 2018, he automatically took her place. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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