Eddie Izzard: Definite Article Page #10

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do they, with their magic staff.

I turn you into a pig.

Into a pig!

A pig!

A pi Oh, Im a pig now!

Pig! Frog! Pig! Frog! Pig!

Bloody batteries! Pig! Frog! Louder Pig!

Louder pig!

Louder pig! Mute pig!

La Cucaracha The Pig!

Television- Im addicted to television,

Im actually watching less of it now,

cause at 4:
00 in the morning,

Im going, I must watch the

Maybe its important

Beavers do what?

Oh, dams! They build dams!

Okay. If I ever meet one, Ill say,

Build a dam, beaver!

But quiz shows are something

Ive never really got into;

quiz shows like Come On!, you know

Well, officially, Im not into them,

they come on, I go,

God damn it! God, I dont like this

Jesus! A quiz

How would somebody quiz

Venice!

No, Vienna! Vienna!

Damn!

F***, I knew it was a V town!

The big mainstream quiz games,

like, you know, 8:00 oclock on

some evening, anyone watches anything.

Hey, its 8:
00 oclock,

its Who Gives a Sh*t?

You dont even know what youre

watching, and Im Charlie Smiles,

and here it is,

its Who Gives A Sh*t?

Two teams of five!

Steve, tell us a bit about yourself!

Well, I

Thats great, Steve!

And something happened

to you when you were 2.

I was shot dead by a duck

wearing Blakeys.

Sounds good, Steve.

This game is very, very simple and very

similar to all the other games in the world.

Youre gonna pick three things out of a

hat, put them together into a small bag.

If you choose the things

off the conveyor belt,

put your headphones on, go into the booth,

listen to some music, come back out,

act out a

scene from Othello,

make a pie out of pastry, act out

another scene, sing a song,

and then, if you do that, you win

a sausage. Do you wanna do that?

Sorry?

Okay, you dont go home empty-handed,

cause were gonna cut your hands off!

Do you want to see

what you would have won?

Do you want to see

what you would have won?

You would have been

president of the world!

3 billion people as your slaves!

Instead, youre gonna spend

your entire life living in a ditch

with poo on your head!

Oh, thank you very much.

Ive invented my own quiz game,

for late nights, sort of Channel 4, when

everyones blasted out of their brains,

and its called Whose Pig Is This? Right?

Thats what its called,

and its got a mainstream presenter,

who just comes out

And these pigs keep getting sent out,

and he goes, Eh, whose pig is this?

The audience is laughing,

and he doesnt know!

Whose pig is this?

Theres a pig in the studio!

Theres a pig here! Can you

get this pig the f*** out of here?

Sorry about that, theres a

pig Everyone laughing,

Right. Whose pig is this now?

It goes on for about two hours,

and 400 pigs are pushed on.

Needs a bit of work, doesnt it?

But its basically there,

the pig motif

But I am a gadget nut, Im a real-

youve heard of techno-fear? Well,

theres techno-fear and techno-joy,

and techno-fear are

people on computers, going,

No I dont Itll

wipe it No How...

And techno-joy are people

I know how to do this!

Its Oh, Ive wiped it!

Oh, it doesnt- hit it

with a hammer!

Thats me, hit it with a

Youre just getting something new, and

you get this big tome to read through,

and you go, Oh, its

so powerful! Oh, f***

And then you just set fire to it all,

and run around in your

knickers for a bit

But I am into gadgets; I was always

fascinated by James Bonds gadgets,

cause he had these

brilliant little gadgets,

but the guy who gave them to him, Q,

he must have been some sort of psychic,

cause they always gave him exactly

what he would have want of,

very lean, wasnt it?

He used every single item,

he never came back, going,

Q, Ive got a lot of stuff I

didnt use on that adventure.

Went all the way out to

f***ing God knows where,

and this watch that

turned into a hamster,

what was the

point of that?

These trousers, press a button,

turn into jam. Why?

The hat turned into a bicycle,

that was very funny

It was! Hed fall into the water,

there were sharks there, he

had a breathing apparatus;

he could breathe up to four minutes.

He never went, Sh*t! Its in the hotel!

Ive got the trousers that

turn into jam, though

The sharks going,

Oh, theres blood everywhere!

Look, its blo-

Its jam!

Oh, Ive got water in me nose!

Anyway

Do they do that? Do they go

You see a shark coming to

the surface

Oh, it went down

the wrong way

I swallowed some oxygen

Anyway

Yeah So he did, he had precisely-

when James Bond got into

the Aston Martin, with the ejector seat,

the baddie sat in the

f***ing ejector seat!

He never sat in the back

James going, You couldnt

sit in the front, could you?

No, Mr. Bond,

I will sit in the back.

I will sit in the back seat.

I have a gun on you, Im a

Smores agent and you can go nowhere.

You couldnt come and sit up

here in the front, could you?

Its a nice seat here

I like the company.

No, I will not, Mr. Bond.

Ill sit in the back here.

Where exactly are you from,

by the way?

Dont you take the piss out of me!

I will come up in the front

and talk to you Why dont you

I am a Smores agent, I

have a voice synthesizer in my throat.

I can do any accent

you can think of.

Unfortunately, Ive lost

the instructions, it seems,

and my voice box is stuck on

shop demonstration,

which is a bit of a bummer

Youre a f***ing nutter you are!

Still, hes in the

ejector seat now, Ill press

Oh, sh*t! Im not in the Aston Martin!

Im in a f***ing Mini!

Nice car, but no f***ing ejector seat.

Even the windows are

those half ones Bugger!

He never did that, did he, James Bond?

He never went

That was more Muttley, wasnt it?

My name is Bond,

James Bond.

That wouldnt be cool enough for him.

You think youve got me, Blowfelt?

Well, you havent!

My name is not Blowfelt,

I am a Smores agent, man.

Right Oh, Ive got a breathing

apparatus! I know what to do.

What are you doing, Mr. Bond?

I can breathe for four

minutes with this, and you cant!

I think I can

Can you? Oh, bum!

You dont have a shark,

do you, by any chance?

Cause they quite like jam, you know

Yeah

I watch a lot of educational stuff on

telly as well, and I think its great,

cause you can just watch

it and then f*** off;

you can go, Really?

Oh, really? Oh, really?

Thats a great way to

be a student-

if you could have had lessons when you

were at school, going, Oh, really?

Oh, thats great!

No, I didnt know that

Oh, thats the bell! Bye!

Trouble is, the teachers would say,

Now write that out four times,

and then Im gonna test you tomorrow

on stuff Ive not told you about.

I did Physics, for some reason, I

didnt want to do Physics at A-level,

but I did it, and...

I was quite interested

in the space stuff,

String Theory, Stephen Hawkings,

Einsteins Theory of Relativity-

didnt understand what

the hell it was all about

It was great, you come

up with a theory that

you only can test if

you go into a black hole

with a ruler. Oh, really?

Oh, I got sucked in!

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