Eddie Izzard: Definite Article Page #11

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There must be 1 or 2 people

in blackholes, going, Hello?

Have you got a ladder?

Youd need quite big forearms

to pull yourself out of a black hole

Sorry, thats a density joke

No, its a gravity joke, no density

joke F*** it! Anyway So

Yeah, Einstein came up with the

Theory of Relativity, E=mc2.

Energy equals the mass, the weight,

times the speed of light squared,

and the annoying thing is its so

bloody precise, its so- its just there!

And he went, E=mc2. It works!

Im off for a sandwich now!

Im going to America to

plug my head into the main

Now Im going skiing with my

elephant friends! Snowplough!

F*** off my roof!

Stop skiing off my roof!

F***ing nuclear physicists!

Sorry about that, Mrs. Badcrumble!

Anyway, tell us that joke again

about the three banjo players

Yeah So anyway, he did,

he came up with E=mc2,

and there mustve been some

physicist at the time, going,

E=mc2? I had F=mc2!

Oh, damn!

So close!

F for fudge.

Fudge equals the mass times

the speed of light squared.

But we used to do experiments,

where you tested it.

We decided to test the

Theory of Relativity.

Jeff got a torch

and stood on this side of the room.

Now Jeff, switch the

torch on and shout go,

and I will time how long it takes

to see the light and the speed

Hold on, if you say go,

thats speed of sound,

and I would hear that

after Ive seen the light,

so say go slightly earlier

and you time how early youve

Oh, its a million miles

an hour!

I said a million billion no one

can tell! No one can run that fast!

And mass can you weigh

the torch for the mass, please?

Can you weigh it in a vacuum?

Can you weigh it near a vacuum, then?

You can weigh it near a

vacuum cleaner, thats great!

4.5 fluid ounces

And that is the energy...

in cats pi squared ironing board

And so where are the batteries?

Wallop, wallop, wallop

Then you write it all in a project,

and you put water on it, dry it off

with a hairdryer and give it in. -

Its kind of blurry

Oh, it was the rain!

Finally tonight, I want to talk

about a guy called Pavlov,

who was Eastern European,

I think Russian,

and did the famous experiment,

Pavlovs Dog.

You probably heard of, ring bells

and dogs eating food,

response times,

Pavlovian kind of response,

its all about ice-cream and

And he wrote these experiments.

Day One Pavlovs Dog

Rang bell, dog ate food,

very excited

Hes become Welsh!

Very excited

terribly excited here in...

Russia.

Day two

been well-accepted here in Russia

changed my name from Evans to Pavlov.

Im now called Gareth Pavlov

and fitting in well.

Day two rang bell, dog ate

two loads of food, very excited.

Day Three, right?

Day Three rang three bells,

dog ate a whole bunch of food...

and my leg, too.

Very excited, win

Nobel Dog Prize for cats.

So he did this, he won the prize

Nobel, whatever he won,

and Pavlovs dog, we all know that,

but you never heard his

cat results, did you?

You probably thought he was finished!

Pavlovs Cat Results Day One

rang bell cat f***ed off.

Damn

Day Two rang bell,

cat went and answered dog.

Day Three rang bell,

cat said hed eaten earlier.

Day Four went to ring bell on day

four, but cat had stolen batteries.

Final day Day Five

went to ring bell with new batteries,

but cat put his paw on bell,

so it only made a thunk! noise.

Then cat rang his own bell!

I ate food

Im just gonna finish up by talking

about the beginning of time.

Very quick piece, very quick!

Beginning of time- the Big

Bang, right?

Everyone stood well back

What? Oh, okay

Well, how big?

Very big. All right

Stand back, Mrs. Badcrumble.

Come on, Cesar; come

on, Australian man

Come on, Welsh Pavlov

Oh, thank you.

Never go back to the universe

once its been made, come on

Suddenly, BOOM!

They all went, F***ing ell!

And it was made, the

whole universe exploded

out in perfect circular bits that became

planets later, which was very lucky,

and later on all the planets

are gonna go all the way back

to the middle and crash back

in when the gravity gives out,

and when it goes back in, I want

to be on top of the world,

holding on to big reins,

going, Come on!

Come on! Come on! Anyway

But later on, the Earth cooled,

and Mother Nature revealed itself

to the world one day. She said,

Creatures of the world!

Gather round,

I shall give you your

methods of procreation.

All the creatures going,

Oh, cheers, Mother Nature!

Ive been dying for a shag, me!

All right, gather round

Heres a big clipboard here,

big flipchart!

Now whats this?

Ccheese Minis

anyone knows what this is?

Glue factory anyone? Glue factory?

Here we go. Dogs!

How you doing, dogs?

Okay, now dogs

we have got you down, dogs

your method of procreation

will be doggy fashion!

How about that?

Yeah, we invented it!

I know you did!

And its caught on big time!

Okay, off you go

Be careful with the air lock!

Now, cats

Cats, good to meet you. Now, weve

got you down for doggy fashion!

How about that?

What about catty fashion?

No, sorry, dogs got in there first;

its a patent

pending situation

Anyway, youve got cat flaps,

so what the f*** are you arguing about?

Now Pavlov, what are you doing here?

Well, Ive been trying to do things and

banjo

Ooh, Im hungry now!

Next we have

sheep!

Good haircut, by the way

Weve got you down for doggy fashion!

If you get hot, just take your

coats off, right?

Okay You wearing Blakeys?

Mouse, what are you doing here?

Well, Ive got a space rocket out of jam

It wont work, but

its not my best laid plan.

I could go aglay

but Mrs. Badcrumble

is coming, and Cesar,

and the Australian guy

And we could burn up on re-entry,

or become a sort of thing.

Well, think of a joke for the

end of that line, anyway

Off you go

Now giraffes! Good to see you.

Weve got you down for doggy fashion,

but its whatever you

can work out, basically.

Hang off a lamppost,

lean over a tree,

you know just swing

about a bit; I mean, sorry,

we were gonna make you

like a Spaniel kind of size,

but someone brought me

a coffee and vooom!

when I was doing design work,

and there you go

Anyway, chin up! All right

Human beings Well,

doggy fashion, catty fashion,

giraffe fashion, sheep fashion;

whatever the hell you want,

basically

Hang upside down like a bat,

play the banjo, do it on a

golf course!

As long as you get guilt in there

somewhere, we really dont mind

Now finally, salmon! Good

Got a bit of a surprise

for you, people

What youre gonna do is

to swim upstream against a...

down-flowing river until

you come to a huge waterfall

and youre going to leap, and leap,

and leap, and leap up this waterfall,

and you swim along, and you leap,

and leap, and leap, and leap;

then you get along,

and you lay eggs,

and you fertilize the eggs, and

then you drop down dead! Ha!

Were quite happy with doggy fashion

No You piss me off, you salmon!

Youre too expensive

in restaurants, thats your trouble

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