Eddie Izzard: Stripped

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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

London!

London!

London. London. There's onIy one London

in the worId eXcept for aII the other ones,

which is reaIIy annoying. CouIdn't there

just be one? Thank you very much.

But we were caIIed Londinium

by the Romans.

And we said, ''No, we're not gonna do that.

''We're gonna change some of the voweIs

at the end and then just put them...

''Because we want the 'ondon' sound.'' And

I think that's what we're most attached to.

When I think of London, I think of the

''ondon,'' the same o-n-o-n bit at the end.

And we have no songs. There's no songs.

WeII, there's one song for London.

But we shouId have a song that...

'Cause there's American songs.

# New York... New York...

Chicago... And Chicago... San Francisco... #

You know.

But we shouId have one

that refIects, I think, London vibrancy

and London f***-offness.

# London, London

Why don't you all f*** off?

# But come and spend your money

Come around and spend your money

# Have a good time then f*** off

Then come back on Tuesday

# At half past three

'Cause we need some cash just then

# Then f*** off, come back, f*** off,

Come back, f*** off, come back #

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I think that's...

(CHEERING STOPS)

That is the CD that's on saIe in my trousers.

It's a standard beginning of any show, that,

aII the way up Shaftesbury Avenue,

eXcept for every other theatre.

(VOCALISING)

Tonight... Tonight I thought I'd taIk about

everything that's ever happened

in the worId.

And the critics... I said this.

Critics said, ''No, you're not.''

''Of course I'm not.''

And they said, ''AII right.''

And I said,

''Why the f*** did you say, 'No'?''

And they went, '''Cause we're critics.''

And then we aII met in a dark aIIeyway

and we sIapped each other.

But... No. 'Cause you peopIe,

you peopIe here tonight,

you are the thinking peopIe. You have to be.

If you're going into theatres,

if you're going into these kind of things...

BiII, BiII BaiIey, most of the theatres.

The musicaIs are sIightIy different. It's not

that they're not thinking, but they're more,

# ''Yeah. There's chickens on the...

Throw them a rope, bring them a banjo

# ''They'll live forever as chickens

with banjos and ropes'' #

You know. And peopIe go, ''Yeah, I Iove

that one, whatever they're taIking about.''

And they aII get married

and have seX in trees.

And they're... There's more of a...

A visceraI ride, emotionaI ride, something.

But this... This, you have to be thinkers.

You have to be thinkers out of the boX

or at Ieast Iid thinkers to come here.

I think you have to be Iid thinkers.

You couId have been dragged and you

might be an in-the-boX thinker going,

''Oh, my God, what's he taIking about?

What's aII this?''

But, yes, out-of-the-boX thinkers

who make up stuff Iike,

''Look, we couId put spoons

and they couId run space.''

And peopIe say, ''What is

that sentence you said there?''

''Okay, the sentence didn't make sense.''

''We couId put spoons... We couId

have spoons and they couId run,

''I don't know, out of the boX.''

And there's Iid thinkers saying,

''WeII, we can see Jeff. He's out of the boX.

''And it's an interesting idea.

''Maybe we'II join him, maybe we'II stay here.''

Then there's in-the-boX thinkers going,

''I've got a Iadder.

''CouId I see the out-of-the-boX thinkers?''

Anyway. So, tonight, tonight we'II taIk

with the use of Wikipedia,

which has taught me so many things

that I didn't know and neither did you.

Wikipedia has pages on everything.

There's aImost nothing...

WeII, there was one thing I Iooked up

and I couIdn't find,

but I can't remember what it is,

so it probabIy doesn't matter.

Everything is in Wikipedia.

Run by Mr and Mrs Wikipedia,

who Iive in a toiIet somewhere.

They have no money, you know.

I have... This is an image I have with...

They do everything with torches,

(MIMICKING FLAME ROARING)

oId-fashioned torches,

which are onIy used in treasure fiIms now.

''Treasure's down here, sir.''

(MIMICKING FLAME ROARING)

''You need one of these.''

''Oh, yeah.''

There's aIways about 1 2 of them.

''One for you. For the kids. For your wife.

(MIMICKING FLAME ROARING)

''Who is that? It's Patrick. Do you want one?

''That's a Zoom ice IoIIy.''

The Zoom ice IoIIy,

the cIosest we in the United Kingdom

have got to the Moon.

I remember Iicking the Zoom ice IoIIies,

aII three coIours, thinking,

''We're aImost there, boys.

We're aImost at the Moon.''

But, no, we were aImost at the ice IoIIy stage

of the Moon Ianding.

And we wouId finish the... And they're stiII...

Are they stiII on saIe?

Can you stiII get the Zoom? Ah!

You see? It was stiII...

It's stiII wishfuI thinkment. WishfuI...

WishfuI thinkment. Wish fuIfiIment.

WishfuI thinking.

WishfuI thinking and wish fuIfiIment

is wishfuI thinkment,

if combined.

It was good, wasn't it? The '70s.

From an ice IoIIy perspective.

(LAUGHING)

Yes, yes, so the Wikipedia peopIe.

And it's stuff on everything.

And you used to have arguments.

How do you make...

How do you make spoons, Jim,

Jack, Kenny, Rogers? Two peopIe.

How do you make them?

And if no one knew, you'd go, ''Ah, f*** it.''

And you wouIdn't go, ''I'II join a Iibrary.

''I'II join a Iibrary and I'II get

a Iibrary card after siX months.

''And then I'II Iook up spoons.''

No, you wouIdn't.

You'd just... You'd just give up then.

But now we've got Wikipedia,

we Iook up spoons.

And you'd probabIy get bored

within three Iines, if you notice.

It goes, ''Spoons were made from...''

Within three Iines, you're going,

''HeIicopters, heIicopters...

''They took over the worId...

Chickens... Chickens drive heIicopters.

''AIIigators...'' You know.

And you can just keep going

untiI you get to one

and you cIick on it and it says,

''There is no page for this person.''

And you think,

''Why did you put them in bIue?''

Don't put them in bIue and have no page.

Just don't put them in bIue.

We have been trained,

Iike PavIov and his dogs.

PavIov wouId train his dogs.

Yes, stiII appIause for Mr PavIov.

What a scientist.

# What a scientist. What a guy

# Make a pavlova with only paws #

''That's a bit of crap.''

''We've got no thumbs.''

Cake miX when I was a kid

was a briIIiant thing.

You'd make a cake for your mum and...

The cake, with a big, wooden spoon.

And then you put that thing aII in the bowI

and they said you couId Iick the spoon.

And you went,

''Oh, my God. This was fantastic.

''Wow, what are we doing with that?

''This is just... This is good. This is ready.''

And then they'd take that, they'd put it

in an oven and it wouId come out Iess good.

It was... Wasn't it?

It's not just me. It was genius before

it went in and it came out, you know,

(EXCLAIMING DESPONDENTLY)

fine, but you have to put more stuff on it

to make it back to this stuff.

Just don't put it in.

And then when I was a student,

I was sitting there...

WeII, it was before... It was after I was a

student. I was unempIoyed for an entire year

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