Eddie Izzard: Stripped Page #2

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and I Iived in IsIington and I watched teIIy.

For a year, IiteraIIy. ReaIIy. SeriousIy.

And I got encycIopaedic on

the AustraIian daytime soap operas.

And I was watching The Sullivans,

which wouId come on about a famiIy

where, ''We're going to go to war soon.''

And that's aII I remember.

And they got on weII, Iots of fighting.

And I made...

I thought, ''I'II make some of this.''

'Cause it just seemed reaIIy cheap. So...

I was estimating margarine, sugar.

And then I just made the whoIe bowI

and sat there watching The Sullivans, eating.

And I died. I actuaIIy...

They had to pump me, you know.

Cake was coming out of my ears.

It makes a cake. Once it's in there,

the juices make a cake.

And you're going, ''Can you... Can you get

it... There's cake coming out of my ears.''

So, that's how I remember it.

I phoned the poIice using the oId phone,

(MIMICKING DIALLING)

which used to take for hours.

Why do they put 999 right at the end of

the diaI? Our emergency services, 999.

''He's dying.'' ''I'm phoning.''

(MIMICKING DIALLING)

''His Ieg has come off.'' ''I'm doing it.

I can't remember how many I've done now.''

(MIMICKING LINE DISCONNECTING)

Why not 1 1 1?

What bright spark didn't go to 1 1 1?

(MIMICS RAPID DIALLING)

''Come, come now. Okay. CooI.'' That's it.

So, Wikipedia. Yes.

On the very seXy computers.

With, Iike, the Macintosh computer.

I have an AppIe Macintosh computer,

very sort of touchy, seXy, feeIy.

And you open it up and...

In the oId days, porn wouId take forever to

downIoad. Do you remember that?

Friends teII me.

Friends who can speII ''porn.''

WeII, it was... That picture wouId come up.

And you go, ''This is cat porn.

This is a picture of a cat.''

The picture's a picture of a cat.

But nowadays you're just tip-tapping away

and a IittIe boX comes up.

''WouId you Iike a software update?''

And you go, ''Yeah.

''Yeah, I'd Iike one of those.''

It's Iike a Iatte thing. ''Yeah, why not?''

And then time becomes a different thing.

Time becomes weird as it downIoads.

Five minutes to downIoad. Four minutes to

downIoad. Three minutes to downIoad.

Nine minutes to downIoad. Two minutes to

downIoad. Seven hours to downIoad.

SiX seconds to downIoad.

A Iight-year to downIoad.

And then it starts asking questions Iike,

''WiII you sign a new agreement

with iTunes?''

And I've signed many agreements

with iTunes.

I don't know what they want

from me any more.

SureIy, they know I agree with them.

I'm just... I'm there, you know?

Why do they keep checking

Iike I'm gonna go away?

''No, I no Ionger agree with you.''

We aII agree. And they've made us Iiars.

You can't say to chiIdren, ''Don't Iie.''

''WeII, you said you've read the terms

and conditions, didn't you?''

No one has read the terms and conditions,

no one in the worId.

No one. Even the Iawyers who wrote it

wrote it Iike this.

It couId say anything in there.

''We wiII take your buttocks and seII them to

the Chinese.'' ''Yes.''

''Set fire to your hedges.'' ''Why not?''

''Put your knee in a sIing.''

''Yeah, gimme the...''

'Cause you're in ''go'' fever at that point.

''Come on, give me the update.''

'Cause it couId be that one update, that one

update that wiII make your Iife compIete.

You know, Iike the WiIIy Wonka goIden

chocoIate thingy with the...

Update, ''Yes.'' And then

seX with everyone and free chickens for Iife.

Whether they want to come or not.

But then it downIoads and you have to do

a reboot thing,

which is, basicaIIy, getting ready to go to

the seaside with your bucket and spade,

the engine on, and your dad says,

''Come on, everyone out of the car.''

''What? Where we going? Where we going?

Where we going?''

''Everyone back in the car.''

''Back in the car? We just got out.''

(MIMICKING ENGINE ROARING)

''What the f*** was that?''

So, yes, and then you update

the whoIe thing and nothing has changed,

which is a bit weird and annoying.

If you have a PC computer, I think it's

a simiIar thing. You press the on button

and then there's a crank.

You have to crank it.

And then they get contact

and they spin the propeIIer and you get in.

(MIMICKING ENGINE THROBBING)

''Come on, the PC's going.''

And then you put on a 78 record.

Move the horn around.

(MIMICKING MUSIC PLAYING)

Caruso sings the update.

# ''Your PC is updated'' #

I've worked out that opera is just being...

If you... If you...

You either Iearn opera or you can just

get a microphone and go...

(MIMICKING OPERA MUSIC)

# I'm going out down here

I don't know what I'm talking about #

It's rich peopIe watching Iarge peopIe

being shaken by smaII peopIe.

(VOCALISING)

And aIso, the words shouId not be cIear.

# 'Cause I'm going to go to the toilet #

That's not opera. Opera is...

# I'm going to go to the toilet

# And I never had a bath in there

# Give him his marching papers

# Send him to the chemist for tea tree oil #

If you got that.

And the women sing crazy. They're so high.

(SINGING IN HIGH-PITCHED TONE)

It's Iike cats outside your window.

(CONTINUES SINGING)

(MIMICKING THUDDING)

''Ow! I'm not a cat. F***ing heII.''

(CONTINUES SINGING)

''Tea tee oiI!''

# I'm going to give you tea tree oil

I'm the chemist #

BIoody tiring this way.

But there are some songs which are faster.

(FAST-PACED VOCALISING)

# Figaro, Figaro

Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro #

What the f*** did he do?

Did he eat something? What, has he got

a bad Ieg? I know his first name. Continue.

# Figaro, Figaro, Figaro Stevens

# Went to the pub, went to the pub

Figaro Stevens went to the pub

# Went to the pub

and read a French newspaper #

So, I've Iearnt that the worId

is 4,500 miIIion years oId.

If you're very reIigious, then it's not 4,500

miIIion years oId. It's 6,000 years oId.

One of these is not correct.

Using simpIe Iogic here.

Now the science boys, they got anoraks,

they got gIasses, they got Bunsen burners

and petri dishes. I've gotta go with them

because they can bend gIass,

if they heat it up, you know.

And sodium chIoride

and potassium permanganate

makes potassium pomongadonkey.

What was the one that was...

(MIMICKING EXPLOSION)

Was that one. And aII that stuff that we did.

And then, if you're reIigious,

the reIigious boys, they've got a book.

And...

Some...some...some reaIIy interesting stuff

in there, good stories in the book.

I mean, I think a Iot of the peopIe in

there are true.

I think it's oraI history. It's been... Stuff in

there's true and there's sIavery in there.

Hmm.

Maybe crime against humanity there.

In a good, moraI book.

Maybe it shouIdn't be in. Maybe the editor

shouId have put a Iine through

''how to seII your daughter.''

Don't you think one of the popes wouId have

thought, ''We couId... CouId we?

''You know, we're dumping a Iot of these

books. CouIdn't we just cross out

''the sIavery bit

and pretend it never happened?''

They Ieft it in, tiII now. It's stiII there.

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