Eddie Izzard: Stripped Page #3

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It makes me think there isn't a God. I...

'Cause I used to be an agnostic

and now I'm an atheist.

I'm aII for spirituaIity and I think there's

a Iot of reIigious peopIe

who've got a certain something.

And I beIieve in us.

I don't beIieve in God.

I beIieve in us, human beings.

But if God was there...

Thank you, one person.

If God was there, I think the first Iine of

the BibIe shouId be,

''It's round.

''Looks fIat, but it's round. Yeah, it spins.

''It's Iike a big footbaII, but...

Oh, it's very compIicated.

''Imagine you're an ant on a footbaII and

you're spinning, but you can't feeI it.''

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

''Sorry about the sIavery.

CouIdn't get the staff.

''They seemed to Iike it.''

Sh*t. AII right, forget this bit.

Right. ''In the beginning was the Word.''

Don't you think...

If there was a God, don't you think

he wouId have fIicked HitIer's head off?

Don't you think? You know.

''Oh, I'm not aIIowed to do anything.''

''WeII, f*** off then.''

If you're not aIIowed to do anything

then what's the use?

Just piss off, and stop asking us

to mumbIe things on Sundays.

''PIease, couId you possibIy mumbIe positive

things towards me on a Sunday

''in the coIdest buiIdings you can find?

''PIease, get some of your senior citizens

to wear cakes on their heads.

''And to mumbIe ridicuIousIy

positive things about me.''

No. He shouId have just fIicked HitIer's

head off. HitIer wouId have been going,

''I wiII kiII them.

I wiII tank them. I wiII tear them apart.

''I wiII bomb them. I wiII kiII them.''

That's a hint,

you know, for a bit of intervention, isn't it?

And then he'd just give him a...

(MIMICKING THUDDING)

And the Nazis wouId be going...

(EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHING)

''What other Ieader can do that?

''Sh*t. That's not supposed to happen, is it?

''Okay. Let's just go.

''Let's just go.'' And somebody...

It might have happened whiIe someone,

some other Nazi, was in the toiIet

coming out, ''What happened,

''what happened? I heard. I heard a big shout.

''Oh, Iook!

''How does he do that?

Wow, he reaIIy is the Ieader.

''Oh!

''Do you want to come back to my pIace?

We'II have coffee.''

CouId have been the end, but, no,

he didn't do it.

So, yes, 4,500 miIIion years ago

I do beIieve our Earth started

with a ''pIace your bets'' type of

spinning thing.

And then we turn up, human beans,

five miIIion years ago.

Why the big pause, as the man in the pub

said to the bear?

Or why the Iong pause, as the man

in the pub said to the bear?

The bear said, ''I got it stuck in a Iift door.''

I'm not teIIing jokes.

I'm just f***ing around with the idea.

It's the pause I'm interested in.

'Cause it is a big one. Have you noticed?

4,500 miIIion years minus five miIIion years

is 4,495 miIIion years of nothing.

WeII, there was stuff. There was...

(MIMICKING ANIMAL NOISES)

I thought dinosaurs ruIed the worId

aII that period, but no.

They were around for 200 miIIion years.

So, we've been five, they've been 200.

And they weren't even ruIing

because if they were ruIing,

on the Steven SpieIberg movies,

we'd see the dinosaurs were going...

(MIMICKING ROARING)

''You can go away.

''You can stay. And you, I Iike you.

And you, I can smeII.

''You smeII of sandwiches.

''You can come, 'cause I... Rumpy-pumpy.

''And Iet's eat him.''

That wouId be dinosaurs ruIing the Earth,

but I noticed from the fiIms that they seem to

just get up in the morning and go...

(ROARING)

With a Iook of...

Not bright as a button, you know.

A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

And they just go around eating

and pooing each other aII day,

for 200 miIIion years!

Come on, that's not a god making that.

If God did that, his chiIdren wouId be crazy.

And I think if he did eXist, he had

many chiIdren. I think Jesus proves this.

Jesus must be the seventh son of God.

A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus,

F-sus, G-sus.

That's just Iogic. That's just mathematicaI.

And Tease-sus wouId

aIways be f***ing about.

Pizz-sus does deIivery.

Caes-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus.

F-sus. City in Turkey.

Bee-sus was covered in something.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Some peopIe appIauding there,

other peopIe going, ''What?''

''Bee-sus was covered in bees?''

But, yeah. Dinosaurs, dinosaurs,

just wandering around.

No dinosaur poetry. Not cIever.

They weren't going,

''I wandered IoneIy as a cIoud

over hiII and vaIe

''And I saw a smaII... And ate him.

''And then I ate... And then I pooed him out.

And that was nice.

''What a day.''

They didn't go to church.

No dinosaur churches.

Very few dinosaur vicars going, ''WeIcome...''

''Thank you very much.

''HeIIo. Hey.

''EXcuse me.''

''WeIcome to today's service.

We wiII now sing Hymn 409,

''All Things Bright and Beautiful. ''

# All things bright and beautiful

# All creatures great and small #

(GROWLS)

# All things wise and wonderful

# They don't live on the planet

at the moment #

That scene did not happen.

Yeah, so not cIever.

I think most of the dinosaurs were not cIever

from what I can teII.

The raptors do seem quite cIever.

SmaIIer, about our size.

They seem to be abIe to break into rooms.

Work Iocks, do computer stuff,

downIoad raptor porn.

(EXCLAIMING)

And then run away and not pay.

They couId aImost pass for us.

You put a IittIe porkpie hat on a raptor,

and it aImost Iooks Iike a human being.

''Is this your car, sir?'' ''No.''

''Do you reaIise how fast you were going?''

(CHUCKLING)

''I was very busy.''

''You were going a miIIion miIes an hour.''

''Oh, reaIIy? Is that over the...over the thing?''

''Yes. The Iimit is 30 miIes an hour.''

''Oh? That's...awfuI''

''I was very busy.''

''WeII, can you show me your documents?''

(MUMBLING)

''Good afternoon.''

''I can't...''

''It's a raptor! Get me a dustbin Iid!

''It's a f***ing raptor! Run! Run!

No, stay, chase him, something.''

The raptors.

And then we turn up. The human beings

of this worId, we turn up 5 miIIion years ago.

And that, I think, is the point

where we started to waIk erect.

And I think it must have been

a graduaI period.

I don't think we couId have just gone...

(EXHALING QUICKLY)

''Oh, this is better.

''I don't know why we didn't

do this a Iong time ago.

''Steve. Jeffrey. Come on, try this.

''I can see cIearIy now. The rain has gone.

''I can see aII Iobsters in my way.''

It reaIIy gets interesting around tooI time.

TooI time is...the Stone Age.

That's when it kicks off. Stone Age.

Before the Stone Age, no stones, no tooIs.

Hunting was bizarre.

''Come on, there's a bison! Come on, Iads!

''WiII you die, sir?

''Die, I teII you! You're in our territory!

I peed and pooed aII round here.

''I marked my territory quite cIearIy.''

(MIMICKING SLAPPING)

(EXCLAIMING)

''WiII you die, sir? CouId you possibIy?

You couId feed a famiIy for nine years.''

(MIMICKING SLAPPING)

''Don't you Iook at me with those big eyes.

Those big cow eyes.''

(MIMICKING SLAPPING)

''This couId take hours!''

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