Eddie Izzard: Stripped Page #4

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(MIMICKING SLAPPING)

''Buggering heII! Come on, where are you?

How can you be Iate? It's the Stone Age!

''There's nothing to be Iate

in the Stone Age for. Bastards.''

(MIMICKING THUDDING)

''Oh. That is much better.

''Did you see that? Did you see that?''

The others come running up.

''I picked up a stone. I hit the bison.

He's just... He's gone. He's dead.''

''This is briIIiant, Jeff.

''This couId be the beginning of an age.''

''WeII, that's what I was thinking.

''ProvisionaIIy, I've entitIed it,

'''The Age of Big Things FaIIing Over 'Cause

They're Hit by SmaII Things

''of a Much Denser MateriaI.'''

''Just 'Stone Age.''' ''Stone Age! Yes.

''You were aIways better than me at that,

weren't you?

''Weren't you, Siegfried?''

We're not sure of the names.

So the Stone Age began. There were

hitting tooIs, there were cutting tooIs.

You couId cut the skin off an animaI

that no Ionger needed it.

(MIMICKING TEARING)

''Are you sure?'' ''Yeah, no probIem.''

''That's very good of you.''

''Thank you so much.

''Hang on. Stuff.

''I'm king. I'm king here now.

(MIMICKING FLY BUZZING)

''I'm king... I'm king of this area.

''I wear the cIoak... The cIoak... The cIoak...

Shut up!''

''I think you're supposed to hang it up

untiI it dries. Otherwise, fIies.''

''Shut up, Twiggy. I'm king of the fIies.''

''You know, this is aImost a book.''

''If your name wasn't Twiggy, but Leonard.''

Language was deveIoped 100,000 years ago.

Before that, no Ianguage.

Before that aIso, no reIigion.

You can't have reIigion by grunting it.

It just...

You can't get moraI ideas out by going...

(GRUNTING)

(CHUCKLING) ''I suppose so.''

(GRUNTING)

''Ha-ha, I don't know what you're...''

The Ten Commandments in grunt.

One...

(GRUNTING)

Two...

(VOCALISING)

No. Three... The rabbit.

Four. You get a bag, and you put it...

And then...

And then you take it and put it in the toiIet.

'Cause it's... No...

Five. You got a thing. I don't know...

My mother...

Okay. Forget five.

SiX... Never eat sh*t.

''I have no idea what you're taIking about.''

We're pretty sure that was

the first identifiabIe Iine of Ianguage.

''I have no idea what you're taIking about.''

One thing was huge before Ianguage

and that was ScrabbIe.

'Cause ScrabbIe, after Ianguage,

it became about words.

Before Ianguage, it was just,

''Put the Ietters down.''

There were no ruIes. Everyone was a winner.

K, T... FUNGTABL-SKLINGDUNG.

''Seventy-siX.''

ASTINGBOXISCRANKEZANGGA.

''That's 105. It's a tripIe word.''

''Dang.''

ScrabbIe was invented by Nazis

to piss off kids with dysIeXia.

This is true. They proved this one.

The word ''dysIeXia'' was invented by Nazis

to piss off kids with dysIeXia.

What's the point of coming up with a word

Iike ''dysIeXia'' to eXpIain

a word-bIindness speIIing probIem.

''They have a probIem with the words.

It is a difficuIt thing.

''We've caIIed this probIem...

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(MIMICKING RADIO INTERFERENCE)

''Car 22, pickup...''

''It has seventeen siIent Ietters

and the face of a rat in it.''

Just caII it ''bonk.'' They suffer from bonk.

They have a word-bIindness. We caII it bonk.

''EXcuse me, miss, I've got bonk.''

''AII right. AII right, just chew something

at the corner of the cIass.'' ''AII right.''

I wouId have preferred that to sitting there

and speIIing ''coIour'' with a ''K.''

I did fantastic I-Spy. It was briIIiant for I-Spy.

I-Spy with an ''S'' for ''ceiIing.''

It went on for hours.

TiII my brother was throttIing me.

'''S.' CeiIing.'' ''CeiIing's not with an 'S.'''

''Of course it is!''

So we were hunter-gatherers. We were kiIIers.

We were kiIIers onIy 2,000 years ago.

Hunter-gatherers. Hardwired into our brains.

And I think our journey...

I don't think there's

any reason why we're here.

You know, the meaning of Iife?

I don't think there is one.

I think we're just accidentaIIy here.

I think it's that random, kids,

'cause that wouId eXpIain

the so many miIIions out there,

and peopIe taIk about the Earth

being in the GoIdiIocks pIace,

where we're not too cIose to the Sun,

not too far away.

I think it's just now, 'cause there are

probabIy other peopIe out there.

But whiIe we're here,

we may as weII do civiIisation.

Just be civiI to one another.

'Cause we got the kiIIer thing in...

And assassins, they took drugs.

Maybe as a reward or maybe to make them

just jump over the idea of going out

and kiIIing peopIe. And it was hashish.

That's where the word comes from.

They were hash-assins.

No, it's true. No, it sounds siIIy.

They were hash-assins.

Read it, it's on Wikipedia. You can Iook it up

on your iPhones whiIe I'm taIking to you.

It's true. I've done it.

It's there and they were taIking about...

They wouId give them hashish and say,

''You are hash-assins now.

''HeIp yourseIf to hashish and then

we'II go do hash-assinations.''

''He's off his rocker, isn't he?''

'Cause I do think that hashish is

one of the worst...

It's the wrong drug to give to peopIe

who are gonna go out and do something.

UnIess you say, ''We're going to

take over a Mars bar factory,'' then...

Yeah! Come on!''

There was an empowerment there.

''We're aII going to go and dive

into bags of sugar.''

''Yes! Yes, of course!''

But apart from that,

organised hash-assinations is just crazy.

You get there... ''What? What?

HoId this, hoId this.

''Get behind the hedge. Get behind the...''

''Bing-bong!

''He's not... He is here.

''I'm sorry about this.

We just... We're hash-assins.

''No, we're hash-assins.

''We gotta kiII you.

We're supposed to kiII you.

''Do you have a Kit Kat?

''If you've got a Kit Kat,

that's Iike a Get Out of JaiI Free card.

''You have? He's got... Have you got three?

''You've got four... He's got a four-bar one.

Come on, aII right.

''Shh! Schtum. CIose the door. F*** off.

We shouId do this everywhere.

''Get Kit Kats.''

Ding-dong ''Got a Kit Kat?

''Or just a Cat Kit?

Like a Meccano Cat... Ah, forget it.''

Then the guy gets on the roof

with a briefcase.

(LOUDLY) ''I am in position...

(SHUSHING)

(SOFTLY) ''Sorry. I am in position on the roof

with the briefcase.

''AII right, aII right. Yeah.

I'II assembIe it. AII right.

''What the f*** is that?

''Attach Part A to Part B then to Part C...

''AppIy transfers to modeI aircraft...

''These are the wrong instructions.

(MIMICKING LIFT GOING UP)

''What? Yeah, no, I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.

''I haven't... I haven't got a gun.

''I have got a vacuum cIeaner.

''Yeah. WeII, it's in a simiIar briefcase.

''It just Iooks... I know. I know.

I know what you said. I know.

''Don't bring the vacuum cIeaner.

But it's a Dyson SIimIine.

''It's reaIIy Iightweight. It's orange.

''The baII type.

Goes around corners reaIIy weII.

''AII right, aII right, I'II pack up here.

ShaII I Hoover up before I go?

''AII right. AII right. I know, I know.

''Look, I'II throw it at him.

How's about I throw it at him?

''No, it's not very accurate, but it has

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