Eddie Izzard: Stripped Page #5
- Year:
- 2009
- 104 min
- 85 Views
a fantastic eIement of surprise.''
And we now, I think, in modern days,
maybe we have more of a sense...
More of an empathy with peopIe.
We saw the tsunami.
We saw the thing in Mumbai.
We've seen fiIms.
Maybe it's not visceraI, but you can...
You get a very good visuaI sense
of what has gone on in the past.
Back in the BattIe of Hastings time,
you didn't have a cIue
what happened in the battIe.
You were either in that battIe,
or you just f***ing forget it.
Or you watch a tapestry.
in paneIs what's going on, but...
It's weavers.
Weavers were the war correspondents.
Weavers were the photojournaIists
of the day, going,
''Come on! Come on!
''Oh, my God, Iook at that!
Get that down, KeIIy. Put that here!
''What are they doing? Oh, God.
Keep moving! Keep moving!
''Don't Iook at the weavers! Just move on!
''Do some weird haircuts for the boys,
aII right?
''Give 'em a bit of a Iaugh, eh?
''WiIIie! Big WiIIie! Do it, give him a wave.
Hey, Big WiIIie! Good Iuck.
''That's the Duke of Normandy, the bastard.
''Come on, win, you bastards!
Shoot someone in the eye.
''We've aIready done that paneI.
''I've sewn this to my Ieg. Is that a probIem?''
The paparazzi. They were paparazzi.
Very earIy paparazzi, going,
''AII right. Anne BoIeyn, Anne BoIeyn,
how's it going, Iove, eh?
''Just hang on a second, Iove,
trying to get you down aII right.
''You don't want to Iook
Iike a weirdo, do you?''
''I'II do three noses if you're not carefuI.
''Just sIow down, baby.
Push your breasts up a bit.
''Is your sister with you?
We'II do a doubIe paneI.
''AII right. AII right, good Iuck.
''AII right, keep your hair on.
''I've sewn this to my Ieg as weII.
Is that a probIem?''
So we were hunter-gatherers.
We hunted and gathered.
I wouId have chosen to be a hunter.
It seems more fun.
It seems more dangerous and more...
(EXCLAIMING)
You put face paint on your thing.
It's makeup.
It's aImost me, action transvestite.
That's what hunter-gatherers were.
We see it with the Native Americans.
We're there.
The gathering...
The gathering seems sIightIy more...
''One, tweIve, thirteen,
''tweIve, thirteen.
''TweIve. How many you got?''
''I've got seven. I give up.''
''I've Iost the wiII to Iive.''
''We've onIy got 19 berries.
They're gonna kiII us.''
SuddenIy the hunters return.
''We are hunters.
We have returned with stuff on our faces,
''having kiIIed bison and buffaIo
and beavers and badgers
''and baIIoons, which was weird.
''They went pop!
''We kiIIed mainIy 'B' animaIs today.
''Tomorrow we wiII kiII cats and chinchiIIas
and crocodiIes, then dogs and dingoes,
''then eIephants and eeIs, and then fungus.
''That'II be a Iong day.
''How many berries do you have for us?''
''A totaI of 19, sir.''
''That's a bit crap.
''Seven hours for nineteen berries? That's
two... That's something an hour, isn't it?
''Never mind.
Put them aII together and make a smoothie.''
(SLURPING)
''Needs a bit of Turkish yogurt.''
''Oh, they haven't invaded yet.''
''We haven't invaded yet.''
So it was the hunter.
And we aII Iooked pretty good.
That was the one upside of
the Stone Age period.
We Iooked f***ing fantastic, man.
Come on! Let's go hunting
just in underwear. Come on!
''Janine, Stavros, Kenny, Rogers,
two peopIe, come on.
''WeII, you Iook briIIiant.
In fact, hoId me over a pond, wiII you?
''I want to see what I Iook Iike.''
The onIy way you couId Iook at yourseIf
in the oId days.
Everyone Iooked a IittIe bit hangy-downy.
I Iook a bit hangy-downy.
So that was it. 10,000 years ago,
the ice went away, going,
''Bye! Bye! Good Iuck with civiIisation.
Invent fridges.''
And off they went.
And that is when the hunter-gatherer period
moved into the agrarian period. Farming.
Farming is a step up in civiIisation.
More cuItivated.
Groups and communities can grow.
But it's a step down in seXiness.
There are no farming fiIms.
No Farming.
''Bruce WiIIis in Farming. Farming III.
(VOCALISING)
''He was just a farmer.
Someone stoIe his beans.''
''You f***ing stoIe my beans, MacGruder!
I'II chase you on my yak!''
(VOCALISING)
''You'II never catch me! I have a yak, too!''
(VOCALISING)
''It's on Top Yak.
It's one of the best yaks in the worId.''
Not eXciting fiIms.
''Look, the grass is growing.''
And that's why farmers keep animaIs.
To make it more rock 'n' roII!
More eXciting. Most of the animaIs they keep
Cows go ''moo'' and sheep go ''baa''
and dogs go ''woof'' and cats go ''woof''
and pigs go ''woof'' and horses go...
(MIMICKING NEIGHING)
And donkeys go ''ee-ore''. And pigs go ''onk.''
No. ''Woof'' or ''crack.''
No, they don't go ''crack.''
Maybe they take crack. I'm not sure.
I'm not sure there.
Jury's stiII out on that one.
Ducks, geese, aII noisy bastards.
They keep no snaiIs.
No badgers, no stoats,
no weaseIs, no...rabbits.
AII very quiet. GazeIIes make no noise.
EXcept for this noise.
(IMITATES SOUND OF SPEEDING CAR)
Because they Ieap.
You couIdn't farm gazeIIes, couId you?
You'd have to keep them in a bag.
''You want a gazeIIe, mate?'' ''Yeah, aII right.
''That's not a gazeIIe. That's an eeI.''
''Sh*t. Got the wrong bag.
''Here you go. Oh, it's gone.''
They have wings, you see. In the earIy days.
You can teII by...
Giraffes. Giraffes have no safety noise.
They don't have a signaI.
Like chickens have a safety noise, which is...
(MIMICS CLUCKING)
UnIess you wedge a trumpet on their face.
And then it's...
(MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING)
And you can train a chicken to do jazz.
Which I wouId encourage aII farmers to do.
Then the farmer's wife wouId say,
''What the heII is that?''
''That's my jazz chicken.''
(MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING)
''But how does he make an embouchure?''
''He has a beak.''
''I wedged a mango in there.''
Oh, you've boX cIever there.
And he wouIdn't actuaIIy wake you up,
wouId he?
He'd be Iike a permanent snooze button.
''And now it's 6:00 a.m. and jazz chicken.''
(MIMICKING SMOOTH JAZZ TRUMPET)
1 2:
00 noon and peopIe are going,''MiIk me, motherf***er, miIk me.
''Get this miIk out of me.
Someone pIug in, for God's sake.
''I've gotta rub myseIf against a tree.''
We don't know... How did feraI cows miIk
themseIves in the oId days before farming?
There must have been wiId cows
in the oId days.
Cows who were crazy. WiId.
''F*** you, buddy. Yeah.''
Cows who wouId drive
through the streets in cars.
''Is this your car, sir?'' ''Moo.''
''Do you reaIise how fast you were going?''
''Moo.''
(EXCLAIMING)
''Is this your friend?''
(CHUCKLING)
''Moo.''
''Eh, Sarge, I think there's
a raptor and a cow in a car.
''Get everything here.''
''What do you mean everything?''
''I mean everything!''
As Gary wouId say.
''Moo.''
''Do you reaIise how fast you were going?''
''Moo.''
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