Eddie Izzard: Stripped Page #6

---

''Moo?''

(MIMICKING THUDDING)

''He's going faster now.''

But giraffes have no emergency sound.

If a giraffe sees a tiger in Africa,

it wouId have aIarm and surprise

as two of its main emotions.

Two of the emotions

of the Spanish Inquisition.

Fear. WeII, fear, fear and surprise.

Fear because, ''It's a tiger.''

And surprise because it's a tiger

and there aren't any in Africa.

So what's it doing there? Is it on hoIiday?

Have they come over with pirates?

Through the GuIf of Aden? My hometown.

So, yeah. And it wouId turn to its friends

and say nothing. It has no...

(MIMICKING ANIMAL NOISES)

Nothing. It shouId hire a jazz chicken to sit

on its back and go...

(MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING)

Or the jazz chicken couId go...

(TRUMPETING FASTER)

-(APPLAUSE)

-He couId do that.

And then it'II go,

''There are bees coming!'' ''Not bees.''

It has no way of saying tiger, so...

But it can cough.

If you Iook on Wikipedia, they can cough

and so that's what they must use.

A very British method of pointing out

aIarming things.

(CLEARING THROAT)

(COUGHING)

''There's a tiger over there.

(COUGHING) ''Tiger. Tiger over there.

There's a f***ing, great, big tiger.

''Tiger at four o'cIock.''

''FiIm. Two syIIabIes.

''First syIIabIe. Sounds Iike.

''No, first syIIabIe. First syIIabIe.

''Tie? Tie?''

''Second syIIabIe, sounds Iike...

''Ger.''

''Ger?''

''Ger?''

''Tiger.''

''Tiger. Tiger.''

(INAUDIBLE)

And then they do go. You see them go.

And where do they go to?

Where do they go to? The giraffes who run.

WeII, they're taIIer than Africa,

that savannah bit.

They're so taII, they must hide behind

giraffes, that's what I've worked out.

One giraffe is here and then

the other giraffes just Iine out.

''Just stay in Iine.

Back a bit, back a bit, back a bit.

''Forward, forward a bit. Back a bit.''

And the giraffe pretends, at this point,

he pretends to be the EiffeI Tower.

C'est fantastique. C'est tres belle.

Oh, Paris bon nuit, c'est si belle.

# Boom, fish and chicken

# Sur la plage, quel dommage

# Qu'elle sausage

Tu m'appelles, oui ma mere #

The tiger's waIking around going,

''Where are we?

''We were in Asia, then Africa,

now we're in France.

''I can't stand this. Give me the iPhone.''

(EXCLAIMING)

Noah, he knew about animaIs.

Oh, yes, he did.

And he's mentioned in the BibIe,

which I think are oraI histories.

I think it did happen. There was a fIood,

there's fIood stories mentioned in the BibIe,

mentioned outside the BibIe.

We saw the tsunami, we know they happen.

Now the big point is,

did God teII him to make a boat

or did Noah just use his

Captain Common Sense?

'Cause a number of us, if we were

somewhere where it was raining

and raining and raining and raining

and raining and raining and raining,

and we had a big piIe of wood,

some of us might put two and two

together and go,

''I'm gonna make a bIoody boat.''

Others might go,

''I'm gonna make a hairdresser's.''

''I'm gonna buiId a monkey emporium.

I'm gonna buiId a big set of wooden shoes

''that wouId fit a giant.''

But he made a boat. He was quite sensibIe.

And what did he put on the boat? His famiIy.

What eIse? AnimaIs.

Which animaIs? Any he couId find.

Did he put two of every animaI in the worId

on the boat? No!

How couId I be so sure? Try it.

Just try it. It's impossibIe.

And there is such a word as impossibIe.

You can't...

It is impossibIe to eat the HimaIayas.

There's no such word as ''can't''?

WeII, try eating the bIoody HimaIayas.

''I got fuII after about two mountains,

you know.''

You're not gonna get through that.

So he was there,

and he buiIt this boat.

And just trying to get everything

on there wouId be a nightmare.

And it had to be everything,

from two dung beetIes

up to two giant squid. AII of them.

AII the fish had to be there because we

know they were bad, some of them.

Sharks are bad, you know?

Very few good sharks.

Very few sharks say, ''We've found a chiId.

''He was swimming about having a bad time.

''We were going to eat him, but we thought

it is not our way any more.

''Since the Geneva Convention on sharks,

''the agreement that sharks made

with humans.

''We took his Ieg but that is our trade.

''We caII him Stumpy.

''Or Thumper. I think his name is Kenneth.''

So Noah wouId be there,

saying, ''AII right, Margaret.

''Margaret, just stuff them aII over the boat.

''Lash one giant squid to the roof. Just do it.

''It's raining, Margaret, it doesn't matter.

''Just put them anywhere.

Shove them in cupboards.''

A giant squid sticking out of the cupboards

going, ''There's no toweIs.

''Is she there? No toweIs.

''Giant squid diary, day one.

''Got to the boat. Everything rather damp.

Must inform TripAdvisor.

''Seem to be running out of ink.

''Met a number of animaIs. Interesting ones.

Cat, dog, squirreI, a mouse.

''I wiII eat them Iater.

''I can't find Horace.

I think he's Iashed to the roof.''

And the whoIe

two by two thing doesn't work.

Two by two animaIs. ''AII right, here we go.

Kids, we're gonna get them up two by two.

''Two tigers, two cats, two dogs, two fish.

''Two rabbits, two squirreIs, two IIamas,

two bIue things, two zebras.

''How many is that?''

''That? So far, two tigers, Dad.''

''What do you... Oh, no.

''What happened?''

''It just seemed to... It became

a Wendy's aII-you-can-eat kind of...

''Do we have a psychotherapist on board?

Because I think

''I need to readjust after that.''

It wouIdn't work.

Lions and tigers eat everything.

It's Iike putting students on a boat

with a Ioad of cake miX, isn't it?

It wouId just be a munching fest.

I've been up cIose to a Iion

and they just do that.

And after 40 days and 40 nights of rain,

which is 40 days of rain, isn't it?

The nights are impIicit, for God's sake.

It's a month and a bit of rain.

Don't drag it out.

Forty Iunchtimes and forty afternoon teas.

Just padding out the BibIe.

After that period of time, they'd be there

from the BibIe, on the bit of Iand, saying,

''We're here.''

''As the ark makes IandfaII,

what a historic day.

''God's pIan has worked.

The ark has made it with two of everything.

''And here they come,

this is Noah and his famiIy first.

''Trying to get a word in,

they're rushing away,

''they're probabIy meeting some friends,

Iate for a dinner appointment.

''And Iions and tigers, there they go.

''WeII, they're chasing...

Made friends aIready, I suppose.

''No one eIse at the moment,

must be packing.

''Just getting their things together.

What a wonderfuI, gIorious day.

''Here comes a squirreI,

just running out there.

''Mr SquirreI, how did it go?''

''No. It was a nightmare, man.

''Don't go there. It was crazy. They

kiIIed everything. Those stripy bastards,

''they kiIIed everything, man.

There's nothing there, man.

''It's aII dead, aII dead, it's Iike a ghost ship.

''I escaped, I hid in a coIander.''

''Oh, sh*t.''

''You gotta write that down in the BibIe.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes