Eddie Izzard: Stripped Page #7

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''It was a bad pIan, man, bad pIan.

Noah's pIan.''

''What happened to your wife?''

''She got away.

''Got away in a boat with an owI and a cat.''

''Did they take anything with them?''

''Yeah, they took spoons and a heIicopter,

''a IittIe toy one and a GatIing gun.''

''An owI and a p*ssy-cat went to sea

In a beautifuI pea green boat

''They took some spoons, a heIicopter

and a GatIing gun...''

''Yeah. It's not poetry.''

So, civiIisation, that's what we're about,

and whiIe we're here, 'cause I don't think

there's actuaIIy a reason why we're here,

but whiIe we're here we may as weII

try and be civiIised, just a IittIe bit British.

Just a IittIe bit getting up in the morning

and saying, ''HeIIo, how are you?''

WaIking on.

Can't stand the man, myseIf.

It's a IittIe bit Iike that.

And the Egyptians and the Sumerians,

they started it off, they started

the baII roIIing about 5,000 years ago.

They said, ''Come on, irrigation.

That's a good thing.''

And the pharaohs were going,

''I'm 1 2 years oId, I couId die sometime.''

''You're very young, sir.'' ''Yeah, I couId die,

so I wanna die in a pointy thing.''

''AII right, we'II make one.

About head height?'' ''A miIe high.''

''BIoody 1 2 year oIds.''

''Come on, Iads, cut some rock.''

And it was aII kind of sandy,

and they worshipped Ra, the Sun god, Ra.

They had a song.

# Ra, hurrah for Ra

He's up there near the stars

# But they're not there

They've gone somewhere else

# And he is there, it's up there. It's quite hot

It's hot, it makes all our ground crappy

# And that's why we have irrigation,

La, la, la, la, Ra, Ra... #

I'm not sure what the song was.

But it was something in that area.

And the worshipping of the Sun god,

that is the circIe behind Mary's head.

Mary and Baby Je, you know

they got the circIe,

and you grew up thinking that meant

they were very, very good, very, very good

or the CoIgate ''ring of confidence,''

remember that one?

ActuaIIy, it means sun worshipping.

It was sIid in behind Christianity.

Christianity, ''HeIIo.''

'Cause Christians worship Chris, of course.

That's what it shouId be about.

Christmas is when we remember Chris

and how he so briIIiantIy Ianded on that

pagan rituaI

of being born on the 25th of December.

What is it with Christianity?

There was aII these pagan reIigions,

and then Christianity went,

''That seems to fit.''

WeII, it was, and aII those peopIe...

A Iot of churches are buiIt on pagan sites,

so peopIe turn up for their pagan rituaIs,

''Let's go and worship on the feast of bingo.

''Where the f*** did this come from?''

''Ooh! It's not bingo any more,

it's Mr... It's Mr Chris.

''WeII, Iet's worship him then, shaII we?

Whoever's here, we'II worship.''

So, the Egyptians did a number

of groovy things.

Five thousand years they were there,

and they invented a Ianguage, a Ianguage,

written up on there.

And it was a nightmare for newsreaders.

''Here is the news in Egypt:

''Man with a hat, man with a hat, dog,

dog with a gun,

''waIking, pig, pig, pig, coming, man,

''duck with a gun, man,

there's an eyebaII waIking aIong,

''chicken with a banjo, dog,

reaIIy powerfuI dog, comes aIong,

''and the cat got him in an arm Iock.

Three things, big eye, big eye, fish, cat.

''It seems the orgy in the zoo continues

into its seventh year.

''That's what I'm guessing.

Here's the weather with Janine.''

''Thank you. It wiII be sunny forever.''

And now, the Greeks.

So, the Greeks came in,

'cause the Egyptians aII died in a car crash.

And the Greeks, they had democracy,

two Greek words.

''Demos'' means peopIe.

''Ocracy'' is a kind of infIatabIe cat

fuII of heIium going, ''Vote now, vote now.''

Kind of Iike Blade Runner, in my mind.

So, they had democracy, which is great,

and it took off there,

it fIowered through the Roman period,

500 years of democracy,

and then it went, somewhere around Caesar,

the third son of God.

And they aIso, not onIy had that,

they had the Spartans.

The Spartans were... The eIite fighters

of today are based on the Spartans.

And the Spartans were just crazy.

Get up in the morning...

(YAWNING)

''Kids!'' ''Dad!''

''Spears!''

''Breakfast.''

''How many did you get?'' ''Got eight.''

''I got seven.''

Just mayhem. Death by numbers.

Yeah, the Spartans. The men, of course,

were huh! But the women were aIso huh!

The chiIdren were huh! And the dogs

were woof! and the cats were woof!

The sIugs were...

(EXCLAIMING)

And the sheep shh! - siIent.

The most deadIy sheep in the worId.

They were the onIy predator sheep

the worId has ever known.

They wouId wear bandanas,

Iike the kamikaze piIots,

with ancient sheep runes on them.

They had not a cIue what they meant.

And they wouId sneak up on woIves,

they wouId creep up in the dead of night.

Shh. They wouId never make a bIeat.

The woIves wouId wake and go, ''Sheep!''

''What? I'm the woIf who cried sheep.''

And the irony was writ Iarge upon them.

And the sheep wouId be in a stand-off

with the woIves,

'cause they knew they were more powerfuI,

but the sheep were brave.

And the sheep wouId take a rusty bIade

and they wouId say, ''Look at this!''

(BLOWING)

And they wouId shear themseIves.

(GRUNTING)

''Come on!

''I've got my jacket off now.

''You wanna come outside?''

And the woIves wouId go, ''We are outside.''

''Let's fight, motherf***er.''

And the woIves wouId go,

''This is not in the book.

''Grab their cIothes and run.''

As the audience reaIised where the joke was,

the woIves in sheep's cIothing

wouId run down the hiII,

run into a IocaI market, buy SIurpees,

run off, and never pay.

''Hey, I thought they were sheep.''

''They were woIves in sheep's cIothing.''

''I didn't know. New thing to me.''

And it started a whoIe spate of that, woIves

in sheep's cIothing, dogs in cats' cIothing,

pigs in giraffes' cIothing,

which Iooked odd,

and ants in eIephants' cIothing,

which was the biggest bIuff of aII.

''Move or we wiII trampIe you.''

''You're the fIattest eIephants I've ever seen.''

''We are covert eIephants.

Work for the nationaI secret peopIe.

''We're taking Ieaves back to our nests.''

''EIephants don't have nests.''

''Sh*t.''

''We wiII trampIe you

''with our noses.''

(SCOFFINGLY) ''Tsssh.''

Said the man.

(WHISPERING) Forget that scene.

I Iike the scene up tiII there,

but I don't know where it goes after that.

SuddenIy a cow turned up. ''Moo.''

''You again?'' ''Moo.''

''Can you give me Iift to the shops?'' ''Moo.''

''Is that a yes or a no?''

''Moo.''

''AII right, I'm coming with you.''

(EXHALING)

''Stop writing on the windows.''

''I thought you just said, 'Moo'.''

''Moo.''

Just moving that mime away.

So, Spartans.

They fought the battIe of ThermopyIae.

The BattIe of ThermopyIae,

made into a fiIm caIIed

On the Good Ship Lollipop.

That was the first fiIm about it.

It's an anagram.

On the Good Ship Lollipop,

BattIe of ThermopyIae.

It's eXactIy the same Ietters.

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