Eddie Izzard: Stripped Page #8

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It's aImost eXactIy the same Ietters.

It was a ShirIey TempIe fiIm. She was

in her Jodie Foster Taxi Driver period,

she was trying to do

more edgy chiIdren's fiIms.

But anyway, she wanted... ''I want

to make fiIm, one about the Spartans.

''About the Spartans at ThermopyIae.''

They said, ''AII right,'' and it was On the

Good Ship Lollipop, and they did that.

# On the good ship... #

(MIMICKING HACKING WITH A SWORD)

(SCREAMING)

''ShirIey!'' ''Spartan!''

# ...Lollipop #

(MIMICKING EXPLOSION)

But they tested it on chiIdren in America,

and the chiIdren actuaIIy eXpIoded.

(MIMICKING EXPLOSION)

''Sh*t, they're going!''

So, they decided to edit aII the vioIence

out of the fiIm.

And you can't teII. If you watch

On the Good Ship Lollipop, you can't teII,

eXcept if you Iook at ShirIey

when she turns in a certain Iight,

you can see a IittIe bit of bIood

coming out of there down her chin.

But the Spartans were crazy,

they wouId oiI themseIves before battIe,

so no one couId take them aIive.

''I've got him! Hang on.''

''These guys, it's Iike fighting fish over here,

XerXes.

''XerXes, put the ScrabbIe board down, mate.

''Who invented traveI ScrabbIe?

''Come on,

we're trying to do something here.''

These bIokes, they were tacticaIIy very cIever

because this is 300 Spartans against 50,000,

100,000 Persians? No one knows

how many Persians. They now think

it couId have been aII the Persians.

Persia was empty that day, they beIieve.

If you'd waIked into Persia, just

empty, eXcept for cats and carpets.

PeopIe just heIping themseIves.

''We're here on the border of Persia,

and there's just peopIe with carpets,

-''and cats trying to protect them.''

-(MIMICKING CAT MIAOWING)

''Give us a carpet. Get away with a carpet.''

''Vote now.''

The Spartans were cIever as weII,

tacticaIIy cIever,

they got the Persians to attack them

in a very narrow pIace,

which was the corridor

of a Student Union party.

Get our cake miX out the window!

Take the booze, run!

Take the Watney's Red BarreI.

I didn't have that, no. It was more Tennent's.

Cans of Iager.

Anyway. So, yes, so that was the Spartans.

Greeks fought in the phaIanX,

they wouId have a whoIe group of peopIe

with 20-foot spears. You couIdn't get

at them, they had 20-foot spears.

UnIess one of your group was crazy enough

to say, ''Don't worry, I'II Iead the way.''

(CHUCKLING)

Sacrifice himseIf on the spear.

(LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY)

(LAUGHING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(SIGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(WHOOPING)

Can't do that.

(MIMICKING THUDDING)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

Sh*t.

(LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY)

(LAUGHING)

(GROANING)

(CHUCKLING WEAKLY)

(GROANING SOFTLY)

(GIGGLING)

(LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY)

''ToId you.

''EXtra two foot on my spear.

''God, he's heavy.

I'm gonna wiggIe him off the end.''

(MIMICS THUDDING)

''Crap.''

''They'II think you're signaIIing!''

''I'm not, I'm just trying to get

''a dead guy off the end of my spear.

''They'II probabIy think he's a poIe vauIter

having a reaIIy weird...

''Having a reaI tough day at the office.''

These gigs are just for me, you reaIise.

''Come off my spear.

''Hang on.

''Okay. Okay.

''I can't see anything. I can't see anything.

''Hang on, hang on...

''Okay. I'm good.''

(HUMMING)

Then the Romans came in with a short,

pointy sword, turned it sideways and went...

''Ha-ha!''

''Hang on, hang on, hang on.

''WeIcome to the second Iine of defence.

''I'm just going to get a

sherbet or something.''

The Romans took over everything,

they buiIt aqueducts, viaducts,

they couId move ducks around

faster than anyone ever had.

Everyone was confused by this briIIiant move

that meant that ducks were aIways

in difficuIt pIaces to get at.

You never knew...

Where were these ducks coming from?

Even the ducks were going,

''We don't know why we're here.''

And the Roman's going, ''I think

they're supposed to be on water, reaIIy.''

And the men seemed to ruIe the empires.

In fact, the women ruIed the empires

with the use of poison.

And the men wouId say, ''I, Lucius,

I wiII kiII Gaius Cassius,

''and I wiII be emperor of Rome.''

And the women wouId say, ''Good Iuck,

Lucius, have a peach before you go.''

''Thank you, CaIpurnia.

''PeopIe of Rome...''

Now my young, 3-year-oId, idiot duck son

wiII become...

(QUACKING)

(VOCALISING)

(QUACKING)

The Romans did a heII of a Iot, man.

They did a heII of a Iot, very industrious,

very good at kiIIing, death by death.

Death by kiIIing with big, pointy things.

They were good at that,

but they did this with a Ianguage

which we know from schooI is siIIy.

It's too bIoody compIicated.

It's just got nouns and a mascuIine,

feminine, neuter, biseXuaI, hermaphrodite

and straight transvestite.

They have an accusative, a nominative,

a vocative, a Iocative,

an abIative, a dative and genetive.

CouIdn't they have had 19 more?

I mean why stop at 27? I mean, it goes on.

If someone says, ''Do you want a beer?''

you are stuck in the idea of

I'm the object, I'm...

The beer's the object, no, I want a beer.

Yes, I do. ''Yes'' is affirmative.

I want affirmative action but the beer is...

You are the object. No, the beer is

the object. The beer is coming towards me,

that's a motion towards, that's to,

so dative's gotta be in there somewhere.

Just mime me an answer. Thumb?

Yeah, aII right, mate.

How did they get the messages out...

When HannibaI attacked

through Spain, up and over the AIps,

how did they get the message out?

I mean, 'cause HannibaI actuaIIy won

a whoIe bunch of battIes,

and maybe that was because they just

couIdn't speak to each other quick enough.

Messengers running from one battIe

to another going,

''Centurion, Centurion, alarum,

alarum miserarium,

''minerarium, miserarium, alarum miserarium.

''Touten de soldatens

''er, mourati on the party.''

''Quod the f*** is the...

Quod erat demonstrandum?''

''Ich bin messengare. '' ''Si, naturellement. ''

''Und ich couriere nach here

from a Iong way away-re

''mit newsum tres mauvaises de

le battle-arium, the battarium

''the pugnacco of the peopIes

and the tuti of the mutis

''on the booties.''

''Quod the f*** are you taIking about here?''

''It's difficlarium. ''

''HannibaI!'' ''HannibaI? HannibaI.''

''Si, HannibaI!'' ''Oh, didus

knock mentanatem HannibaI?''

''Si, si, Generalissimo HannibaI.''

''HannibaI?'' C'est tres dangereux!

''Si. Er kommt, mein Herr. ''

''Arriverarm, arrivederci? No. Arriveramus?

''Is... Veni, vidi, vici!'' ''Veni, vidi, vici?''

''Si, veni, vidi, vici. HannibaI.''

''Mit soldates?''

''Si, mit soldates. No, tout seul,

bucket and spade on hoIiday, I think.

''Naturellement mit soldates,

mit total soldates.

''Multo soldates, infinitata soldates. ''

''Infinidate soldates is mathemelaticus

totaIIy impossibiliatus. ''

''No.

''Ask Pythagoratus.''

''Yes, ist te truthum. It's the veritum. ''

''Pi?''

''Danke schon. ''

''Have you tried just not cooking this?

''C'est pas mal, c'est pas mal, mate.

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