Eddie Izzard: Stripped Page #9

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RhetoricaI...

''Gas markum quoi?''

''Gas markum 3.1 41 .''

''It's a jokum, it's a jokum. He's a funny Iad.''

(CHUCKLING)

''High-fives, Pythagoratus.

''Square of the hypotenuse.''

''Have you finished?''

''No, 'cause cette fois

''HannibaI is coming

'round the mountain when he comes.

''Is coming 'round the mountains

when he comes.''

''Coming 'round the mountains?

Coming 'round the mountains?''

''Coming 'round the mountains

when he comes.''

Singing...

(VOCALISING)

''Mit pink pyjamas?''

''Kein pink pyjamas.''

''Cette fois er kommt mit elephantein. ''

''Elephantein?

''What the f*** elephantein erat?''

''Elephantein tres dangereux.

Elephantein tres mysteriosum.

''Front part is elephantain and is similaris

con ein squirrel. ''

''Hey, man. Don't take the piss out of me.

''I'm just here, you know, Iooking for my wife.

''Have you seen a boat?''

''Imagine this maximum squirrel

upside-downus, back to frontus.

''Tailum ist nosum.

''Tailum ist nosum.

''Back part is elephantein is smilarus

but a magnus pigus. Bigus pigus.

''Bike pump.

''Attachum mit duct tape.

That is elephantein. ''

''Das ist elephantein? Run, motherf***er.''

It's too big, too Iong.

AII that takes far too Iong,

and HannibaI wouId overrun them,

and kiII them aII and set up a charity.

EngIish is good, it's taken off

because it's such a simpIe Ianguage

at its base IeveI.

''HannibaI's coming!'' ''HannibaI? What with?''

''SoIdiers.'' ''How many?'' ''Tons''.

''What eIse?'' ''EIephants.''

''What are they?'' ''Pigs and squirreIs. Run.''

The EngIish have gone, the EngIish have

gone. God, they had such a quick Ianguage.

You have to have a tea party to work out

the Latin stuff.

Yes, we got rid of one of our you's.

We had two you's, we got rid of one.

The whoIe famiIiar you.

''Aren't you my father?''

And the unfamiIiar you.

''Who the f*** are you guys?''

So, we got rid of the first one.

That was aII the ''thee'' and the ''thou'' one

that the PiIgrims used,

wouIdst thee, wouIdst thou, wouId thee,

thy, thum...

WouIdst thou? Thou wiIt disagree.

Thou wiIt have a bad time over the fact

that thou didst send us away...

Why don't you aII just go?

Go and hang in the middIe of the country.

So, yeah.

The Romans aII died in a chariot crash,

and then CharIes Darwin wrote a

famous book in 18 scritty swam swums,

and that book was an interesting book

'cause it was caIIed,

Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey,

Monkey, Monkey, You.

And it just took off Iike wiIdfire and it

caused an outrage in the monkey kingdom.

Monkeys were furious about it.

They were fIinging poo at eIectricaI fans

that had been

speciaIIy set up for the occasion.

Because ''the sh*t hits the fan'' is a saying

that is post-eIectricity.

Pre-eIectricity it's just...

(BLOWING)

''Did you just throw a poo at my fan?

''What's the point of that?

''You want me to switch the eIectricity on?

''WeII, we've onIy just had it wired up.

I don't see...''

(EXCLAIMING)

''I see, yes, yes.

''Yes, the sh*t has certainIy hit the fan now.''

Before eIectricity aII they had was

''Then the sh*t wiII reaIIy hit

the Archimedes screw.''

Much sIower.

So, yes, that was it, evoIution, evoIution,

and we have evoIution aII the way

from the beginning up to now,

incIuding aII of us, the genetics that go

through us, the inbreeding,

non-inbreeding, the RoyaI famiIy.

WeII, it's good that the RoyaI FamiIy...

They shouIdn't have seX with peopIe.

The idea of being commoners...

We have an idea of commoners.

''Commoners'' is a horribIe word.

I think it shouId be ''reaI peopIe.''

That's what the House of Commons

shouId be. The House of ReaI PeopIe.

And the commoners, they're reaI peopIe,

you see?

So, the Queen Mother, she was aIways crazy,

she was shot out of a cannon

for her funeraI, as you know.

That was her dying wish,

''Shoot me out of a cannon.''

It was kind of a Robin Hood thing

going on there.

She was a Scottish Iady, oh, yes.

She was... You never heard her speak.

Do you remember the Iast 40 years,

you never heard a word

but she was there going,

(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) ''WiII you shoot me

out of a cannon? Come on.

''I'd Iike to see the SoIent one more time

before I Iand in the IsIe of Wight.

''Come on, you f***er. Give us a break.''

Something Iike that.

But the Queen,

I just have a probIem with monarchy

because obviousIy in the third miIIennium

hereditary priviIege is insane.

Yes, I hear your siIent yes.

Hereditary priviIege?

How do you eXpIain that to chiIdren?

''Why do some peopIe Iive in fantastic houses

''and we give them cash out of our taXes?''

''Because er...

''I don't know, that's a good question,

smaII chiId.''

It is an interesting question.

You know, it's gotta change.

I think CharIie's doing something, you know,

he's doing organic farming, he's doing stuff.

The charity he does is good.

Some of the kids are doing stuff,

but Liz and PhiI,

Liz and PhiI haven't done anything,

Liz and PhiI just sat there.

'Cause they got in at '52 and then

immediateIy the Queen introduced the new...

Then in the '60s, the Queen decided

to change the way that...

And she encouraged peopIe to...

And in the '70s,

she compIeteIy redistributed...

And reaIised she had too much weaIth,

so she decided to...

Then in the '80s, they set up a charity to do...

And then they encouraged other peopIe to...

And in the '90s, they just totaIIy reIaXed,

and they said, ''Everyone, why don't you...''

And then in the 2000s,

they've set a great eXampIe by...

Stop me at any point.

I think she's got 20 years Ieft, she's in there,

but she essentiaIIy does what she does

on the stamps.

Do something! Just do something!

Open your house up!

Give aII your houses away! Do something!

Change your hair. Smoke a cigarette.

Drive a car.

Wave a bit. F***ing wave.

Where's the f***ing wave?

We paid good money,

we want some f***ing waving.

Got cash, got cash, do waves.

Don't you think?

Anyway, so, evoIution.

We can see evoIution with fish.

Fish swim in the sea, they're very thin,

they breathe through their necks.

And they just seem to be... They have very

short memories, I beIieve, fish,

and so they seem to just be going,

''Oh, oh, oh, oh...''

As if someone's just toId them,

''You reaIise you're fish,

''and you have very short memories.'' ''Oh.

''Oh. Oh.

''Oh, I didn't reaIise. Oh, no.''

And then the mudskipper is a fish

that waIks aIong on its Iegs.

You can see the evoIution

with the mudskipper going aIong.

And if you Iook right deep into his eyes,

you can see him going,

''I'm aImost there, I'm aImost there.

One day I'II have a house and a Ferrari.

''I'II work on the Stock EXchange.

Lose Ioads of money down a toiIet.''

And then fish fIy, fish fIy. In the sky.

They must be up there going, ''Oh, wow.''

And then they must stop in trees

occasionaIIy and go, ''Oh.''

And then birds are in trees, they're going,

''Who the f*** are you guys?''

''Oh, no.''

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