Eddie Izzard: Stripped Page #10

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''We're birds, we eat fish.'' ''Oh, crap.''

''FIy, Freddie, fIy!''

You ever seen birds chasing fish in the air?

It just Iooks so... You go,

''I gotta have a drink, that's weird.''

So, that's the fish side, that's evoIution.

Then on the creation side,

God got the worId and he went,

''There it is, it's bIue, don't f*** it up.''

Can't stand the man.

We don't know what that means.

It's just funny, but we don't know why.

But now he didn't do it in one go.

Which, I think, why take siX days over it?

Why not just go...

He did it siX days with one day for prayer.

Why not do two seconds...

(EXCLAIMING)

And then you've got seven days for prayer.

And they couId just be up there going,

''God, you're reaIIy great,

you're reaIIy fantastic.

''Dear God, we thank you,

especiaIIy for what you did on Tuesday.

''That was reaIIy... Was it Tuesday?

No, never. That's right.''

You never wake up and you hear,

''God's given everyone an eXtra banana.

''What a wonderfuI day it is!

EXtra banana for everyone.''

Never. Anyway, siX days of making the Earth,

Iike he's making a train set for his kids.

(BLOWING)

After a whiIe smaII animaIs wiII be foIIowing

going, ''Who are you?''

''I'm God.'' ''Why are you taking so Iong?

''We've got no food.''

''AII right, I'II make you food.

Sorry about that. What are you, badgers?

''SquirreIs? Chicken?''

(MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING)

''We eat nuts, man. Have you seen a boat?''

''Haven't made them yet.''

''WeII, what am I doing here?''

''Right, badgers. Badgers eat bok choy.''

''No, we don't. Not eating that.

It's supposed to be pak choi, anyway.''

''It's caIIed bok choy.'' ''Pak choi.''

''Mandarin.'' ''Cantonese.''

(SIGHING)

''Not eating it.''

''AII right, sprouting broccoIi.''

(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

''HoIy crap, I see badgers can be choosers.''

(AUDIENCE GROANING)

What?

What, you've heard too many bok choy,

pak choi, sprouting broccoIi,

badger creationist jokes this week?

''Oh, yeah, up to here,

every other person saying them.

''Can't... Just wading through them

this Christmas.

''That oId chestnut.

''Didn't the Greeks use that one?'' F*** off.

''AII right, Mr Badger,

creme bruIee you shaII eat.''

''Creme bruIee?

That's hardIy bruIee, that's singed.''

''AII right, that's creme fIambee now.''

''Creme bruIee, creme fIambee,

where did you Iearn French?''

''WhiIe you were pissing about

making the Earth.

''I was on Rosetta Stone.

''We were aII sitting around there going,

'La chaise est sur l'elephant. '''

''I don't know what he's taIking about.''

(MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING)

''Day one in the giant squid diaries.''

''Nothing, it's a void. Day three, isn't it?''

''Sh*t, running out of ink. Why, why, why?

There's no water yet. Bugger, bugger.''

''AII right.

Give me another Letts diary, wiII you?''

Do you remember those?

Every Christmas you get your Letts diary.

You fiII in just the first siX days

and then bIank.

Did everyone do that?

Then about June you'd rediscover it

and start fiIIing it in again

and then go...

Then you'd backfiII it with Iessons.

Okay, I saw one kid doing that.

Anyway, creationism has turned,

through the mind of a Sarah PaIin,

into inteIIigent design. And I have

two probIems with inteIIigent design.

One is the inteIIigence part of it,

and the other is the design part of it.

Because, you know, there's some things

which are wonderfuI in the worId,

and some things that are horribIe,

disgusting. Cancer.

InteIIigent design, or just weird f***ing stuff

going on? ChoIera, aII those things.

If we were God for haIf an hour,

we wouId ban poo and pee.

Why do we have poo and pee?

You say, ''Oh, waste products.''

Why not just eat food and do stuff?

There's no Iogic to waste products.

Just efficient use of energy.

Eat it and boom, go do stuff.

Poo and pee causes aII those...

Coughs and sneezes spread diseases.

AII the poo and peeing diseases,

choIera, aII that... Out the window,

if we were God. And then you say,

''You might need the poo for crops.''

WeII, no, the crops grow because

of sunIight. Or because they want to.

Remember you're God.

So the appendiX, it sits neXt to your

oesophagus your entire Iife going,

''Any grass? Is that grass, mate?

Is that grass? What's that, bok choy? No?

''ArsehoIe.

''What's that, spinach? WeII, do you want...

Forget it.

''No, it's horribIe. I don't want to touch it.

''We've got an appendiX here, but forget it.

''Asparagus! That's Iike grass, isn't it?

Big grass? Big grass, mate?

''Do you want to run it through

me and Jimbo? Machine? One carefuI owner.

''This is insane.

I'm caIIing InteIIigent Design.''

(MIMICKING DIALLING)

''InteIIigent Design.''

''Yeah, it's the appendiX.''

''Yes, the appendiX. Any news?''

''WeII, what the f*** are we doing?

''Did you put us here on duty

to deaI with the grass?

''I mean, it doesn't eat grass.

Haven't you noticed?

''It might be evoIution.''

''Yeah, weII, it might be, motherf***er.

''We don't wanna be here.

We're just sitting here, doing nothing.

''We want to be somewhere eIse. Where?

''We want to be in the back of books.

''You put an appendiX in the back of books.

Go on, put it there,

''and then, we don't want page numbers,

we want Roman numeraIs.

''ReaI teeny, tiny ones.

''And then we want endIess Iists of rubbish

that no one ever reads.

''Or, they'd read two or three of them

and then go, 'Oh, this is crap.'

''And then they go back. You do that.

Otherwise... Otherwise we wiII eXpIode.''

Your appendiX eXpIodes, just Iike John Hurt

in the fiIm Alien

(MIMICKING EXPLOSION)

when that thing comes out.

And that Iooks Iike an appendiX with teeth.

Your appendiX very rareIy gets huge and

eats the rest of your crew. That's true.

But that's it. Cows have four stomachs.

Why do they have four stomachs?

Why not one stomach? Why don't they do it

Iike us, just eat stuff and then poo or pee?

They have four crappy stomachs,

or useIess stomachs.

They eat food, it comes back up,

they chew it again, it goes back down.

It comes back up.

It keeps going up and down.

By the fourth stomach, sureIy it's coming up

and they're going,

''This did not need to come back up.

''This shouId have gone the other way.

''I now understand 'sh*t-eating grin.'

I know what it is.

''ShouId be sh*t-eating grimace.''

(TUTTING)

Cows shouId be in corners of fieIds going...

(RETCHING)

Never see that.

Or they shouId be in cars going, ''Moo.''

''We Iike him.''

(EXCLAIMING)

''Moo.''

Cow and raptor.

Cow, raptor.

(VOCALISING)

''Moo.''

''Go, cow, go.'' ''Moo.''

''Put aII the moo in the bag.

''Got Iots of moo.''

''What the f*** is moo?''

''I think it's air.''

Work on the first draft of this script.

So, I think we Iook for ruIes to Iive our Iives.

And I decided to take aII the reIigions in

the worId and aII the phiIosophies,

because I think reIigions are phiIosophies

with an eXtra top coat of mysticaI

things, you know.

Stuff for peopIe Iiving in trees. Or cIouds.

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