Eddie Izzard: Stripped Page #11

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Or trees. If a god Iived in a tree

that wouIdn't work, wouId it?

''I am a god.'' ''You're Iiving in a tree.

''You're Iike a bird, aren't you?'' ''Yeah.

''But... Oh, bugger.''

What I chose

from aII the reIigions and faiths in the worId,

and I decided to try and Iive...

You know, you want some ruIe, direction

to Iive your Iife by.

And ''Do unto others as you wouId

have others do unto you'' seems to be

one thing you can just grab hoId of

and is reaIIy good.

And it's not perfect, and you're gonna be

grumpy at peopIe, or shouting or whatever,

but if you try that one, I think it's reaIIy good.

And you don't need anything eIse.

And then there's the Ten Commandments.

Now, that's a Iot of commandments.

I think humans, we Iike simpIistic.

But anyway, Moses, charismatic individuaI,

mentioned in the BibIe,

mentioned outside the BibIe.

Grew up as an ancient Egyptian,

which means he was an Egyptian

who was reaIIy oId at the age of three.

''Oh, yes. Come over here, young man.

''EXcited are we?''

He wouId say.

And, so, he was actuaIIy a Hebrew person

who was smuggIed in and adopted.

And aII the Hebrew peopIe were ensIaved

in Egypt at that time

because they were there on hoIiday

and it aII went pear-shaped.

And Moses grew up and he kiIIed a sIave

owner. And he rushed off and hid

and became a shepherd to get out of being

sent... Put on triaI, whatever it was.

And whiIe he was up on the mountain

with his sheep, a bush caught fire.

(MIMICKING FLAME ROARING)

And he said,

''Right. Come on, sheep, get out of here.

''It's Iooking kind of bibIicaI around here.''

And the bush said,

''Moses, Moses, come back here.''

And he said, ''Hang on, sheep, just wait.

What is it?''

''Moses, you must Ieave this pIace.''

''I was Ieaving when you caIIed me back.

''What the bIoody heII do...''

''No, I mean you must Ieave this area,

on a short to mid-term future,

''on a geopoIiticaI basis.''

''For f***'s sake,

''you're a very compIicated bush.

''We're not used to that round here.''

So, yes. He ran over to the sheep.

''It's a sIow burn,'' he said to the sheep.

''Look, sheep. I gotta go.

Get out of Dodge City.''

''You Iads, you get out of here.

Run, you run from here.

''I have to go and do things.

So you run and you find the Spartan sheep.

''They wiII train you to be ninjas.

They wiII train you to be kamikaze.

''That's not reaIIy usefuI.

''That's a kind of (THUD) thing.

AII right, forget it, it's too compIicated.''

''What?''

''Moo.''

''You're mooing sheep.

You must find the Spartan sheep.

''They wiII train you to become Ieaders of

sheep. And I'II meet you in the finaI scene.''

''Okay.''

So he runs off.

He goes down to his friends and says,

''Come on, Iads, we'II get aII the Hebrew

peopIe and Ieave this desert.

''Let's go to a desert.''

Yeah, change is as good as a rest.

''I want to go to Surrey.''

''No, it's a bit rainy there.''

Let's go to the desert. He says, ''Let's go

tonight, under the cover of frogs.''

So... 'Cause there were ten pIagues

that Ianded on Egypt.

And, you know, there's a pIague of fIies.

(MIMICKING FLIES BUZZING)

PIague of Iocusts.

(MIMICS LOCUSTS CHIRPING)

And a pIague of frogs was one of

the weirdest pIagues I've ever heard of.

If that came from God,

he had Iost his marbIes.

Because a pIague of frogs is not a pIague,

is it? It's just a Iot of frogs.

It's more frogs than usuaI.

To be a pIague, you have to be abIe to go,

''The fIies, the fIies!''

''The Iocusts, the Iocusts!''

And you're never going, ''The frogs,

the frogs! I'm drowning in frogs!

''HeIp me, Mama, heIp me!''

''PuII Jimby out of the fiI... Out of the frog pit.

''The pit of frogs. The frogs have got him.''

''Don't Iick their backs.''

Who came up with a haIIucinogenic

back of a toad?

Was that God on crack cocaine?

(INHALING)

''Look. B-sus, just Iook at this.

''B-sus, Iick the back of that.

(CONTINUES INHALING)

''Lick that. Lick the back of that toad.

Lick the back of that toad.''

''Dad, you've said that for haIf an hour now.''

''B-sus, you're covered in something.''

''What, Dad?''

''Wow, this is reaIIy good toad.

This is a good year. What year is this?

''1927. Wow, eXceIIent toad year.''

Toads came up with the Iine,

''You Iick my back, and I'II Iick yours.''

If he created a frog pIague,

then he must have been going,

''AII right, T-sus, P-sus, D-sus, L-sus,

I want another pIague.''

''You've had ten, Dad. WeII, you've had nine.

This'II be the tenth.

''You had a pIague of toads,

and a pIague of heIicopters,

''a pIague of peopIe with weird haircuts,

pIague of dripping.''

''The dripping, the dripping.

But there's no bread.''

''I want another pIague.

Who are those green Iads over there?''

''They're frogs, they're pIaying canasta,

worId championship.''

''Who's winning?'' ''Frogs are, 2 to 1 .''

''Who are they pIaying?'' ''Other frogs.''

''Put them in a DC-9, I want them down.''

''Great Pharaoh, huge, green monsters

are faIIing from the...

(MIMICS THUDDING)

''SmaII green monsters, quite smaII.

''Just frogs.''

(MIMICS FROG CROAKING)

So they strapped them to their heads

and they ran and ran.

''There's frogs escaping.'' ''It's okay.''

And they go up through...

And they went through the Red Sea

'cause a giant squid heId the water back.

''Go on, good Iuck, good Iuck.''

''Giant squid's diary, day 3,009.

''HeIped the frogs. No.

''HeIped the Hebrew peopIe get out

''of Egypt. Running out of bIoody ink again.

''Got a biro.

''HeIped the Hebrew peopIe to escape

under the cover of frogs.

''Was gIad to heIp. Links with Noah.

Saw Mr SquirreI again.''

''It was heII in there, man. We were ensIaved.

''SquirreIs were ensIaved.'' ''For what?''

''I don't know.''

(MIMICKING TRUMPHET BLOWING)

''I'm going to marry a chicken.''

So then they wandered in the desert

for 40 years.

And if I was with that group, after 23 years,

I wouId have turned to them and said,

''What the f*** is going on? 23 years

just wandering in the desert.

''I'II give you 1 7 more years and that's it.''

And after 1 7 years, 30 years, 40 years,

and after 40 years,

there are obviousIy peopIe going mad,

going crazy.

They're going,

''I'm gonna have seX with my foot.''

''I'm gonna eat baIIoons tiII I eXpIode.''

''I'm gonna set fire to my buttocks.''

''I'm gonna stapIe my toes to a tractor.''

''I'm gonna fiII myseIf with sand

and seII myseIf to a taXidermist.''

And Moses said, ''Look, you can't do this.

This is insane. You can't. There are ruIes.''

''There are no ruIes!'' ''AII right, I'II get 10.''

So he runs off and comes back,

''AII right, here they are.''

''RuIe one, never piss in a toaster.

''Never eat barbed wire.

Don't caII yourseIf Mr Jimjams.

''Never scrape your brain

with the back of a comb.

''Don't put your toes in a fire.

''Never SeIIotape your eyeIids

to your mother's.''

''What? These aren't ruIes, you just made

these up on the way back from the hiII.''

''I couIdn't find anyone with... Just...

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