Eddie Izzard: Stripped Page #12

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I'II get better ones.'' Runs off.

Two hours Iater he comes back.

''AII right, aII right. Here we are.

''AIways keep quiet.

Run up a tree if you see anyone.

''Keep your taiI cIean. Keep your nuts and

your makeup in a hoIe in the tree.''

''This is...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

''These are squirreI ruIes.''

''Hey, man. Don't have a go at us, man.

''We got good ruIes. Yeah.

We know what we're doing, man.

''This is my chicken.''

(MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING)

''Who are these peopIe?

They're not Hebrew squirreIs and chickens.''

''They're just with us. They're with the band.''

So, yes. So then he said...

They said to him. They said,

''Moses, Iook, Moses, we want reaI ruIes,

ruIes you can write on rock.

''The three R's.'' So he said,

''AII right. I'II go get them.''

As the audience worked that joke out

he ran away.

He ran off and he was away for months.

About two months. A Iong time.

Must have been, because by the time

he returned, they had smeIted metaI.

That's a Discovery programme, channeI,

thing. That's a... SmeIting metaI?

''Oh, he's not coming back.

He's probabIy eaten by bears.

''Let's smeIt metaI.

''Let's make a cast-iron version of a god.''

And it never works. If you watch it,

it's very difficuIt to make a proper mouId

and get it aII working out, especiaIIy

in the desert after 40 years.

Pour it out and go, ''There, a goIden caIf.''

''Looks Iike a badger that's head's eXpIoded.''

''That's a stoat covered in sick.''

''That's a man who's eaten

too many baIIoons.''

''Whatever it is, he's caIIed Jimbo

and we're worshipping him.''

''We worship thee, O Jimbo,

our Iord of thistIe.

''PIease bring us kazoos on the hour,

every hour.''

And then Moses returned and he said...

He was furious and he smashed the tabIets

of stone on the ground.

He said, ''What are you doing?''

And they aII went...

(VOCALISING)

He said, ''You caII those kazoos?

'''Cause no one recognised the sound.''

''They never do, Great Moses.

''For some reason,

that joke aIways screws up at that point.

''You can't do... We can't do kazoo sounds.''

(VOCALISING)

''Don't practise now, they're fiIming.''

(VOCALISING)

(INHALING)

''The Force is with them.''

''With them?'' ''Yeah.''

''Look, Iook, Iook, I've got ruIes.''

And he said he got ruIes.

''Rock ruIes. RuIes written on rock.

''And they're the Ten Commandments,

but you don't need them,

''because the one, 'Do unto others,'

is a seIf-poIicing ruIe.''

Thou shaII not kiII. Do unto others as

you'd have others do unto you.

WouId you Iike others to kiII you?

ProbabIy not.

So don't kiII other peopIe.

WouId you Iike your stuff being stoIen?

ProbabIy not. So don't steaI other peopIe's.

It's seIf-poIicing.

So those are the two main ones,

and then there's other ones

in the Ten Commandments

''Iike, you know, don't put your knitting

on the stage, Mrs Worthington,

or something. I don't know. Never SeIIotape

your hair to a tractor. These things.

And there's one in there that's just

compIeteIy bonkers.

Thou shaIt not covet thy neighbour's oX.

What?

What, was that aII the rage?

Were peopIe going,

''Oh, my God. Have you seen Steve's oX?''

''What? Where? Where?'' ''Don't Iook now.''

''It's a genius oX. It's the most amazing oX

I've ever seen. It's briIIiant.

''It's just... Have you seen...

It was on Top Ox. It was on Top Ox.

''You know Top Gear? It's Top Ox.

This oX can go 0-50 in under a year.

''It is the most amazingIy sIeek...

''BuiIt by the Germans, you can hang

your washing between his ears.

''He reaIIy has the biggest face

this side of Christendom.

''This is one motherf***er of an oX.''

How were... Why were peopIe coveting oXes?

It isn't thou shaIt not steaI the oX,

or eat the oX, or set fire to the oX,

or have seX with the oX, it's just covet

the oX. It's just wanting the oX.

How do you have an oX market, how do you

seII oXes if no one wants them?

Any trade wiII not work if no one can

covet anything. It must have been weird.

You know, peopIe saying,

''Thou shaIt not covet thy neighbour's oX.''

''He's not my neighbour, he Iives across

the road, number 23.

''I'm off on a technicaIity.''

I used to say it's thou shaIt not cover

thy neighbour's oX.

And that makes more sense,

because you can't find your bIoody oX.

''Where's my oX?

I can't bIoody find the oX now. I was in it.

''Jim, have you seen my oX?

I can't bIoody see him anywhere.

''Someone's just run off with my oX.

Where's your duvet?

''You've Iost a duvet, I've Iost an oX. There's

an oX and duvet steaIer going around.

''I'm gonna teII the IocaI...

Hang on, Iook, there's your duvet.

''It's moving.

''Jimbo...

''You covered up my oX. You covered my oX.

''Thou shaIt not cover thy neighbour's oX.

And I'm your bIoody neighbour.

''You're gonna go to heII for this.''

And finaIIy tonight... In 1969,

the Americans Ianded on the Moon.

And I can prove it, because the Russians

were aIso trying to get to the Moon.

The Russians had the first sateIIite in space,

the first man in space,

first woman in space, the first orbit in space,

the first space waIk. A Ioad of firsts in there.

Very good. WeII done to them.

And they didn't get to the moon first. I don't

know if it was the money...

Not sure what the reason was,

but, they were very cIose.

They were sending an unmanned probe there.

So, they wouId have taken photographs.

And if the Americans had not gone,

they wouId have said,

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) ''You did not go.

We have photograph, we have videotape.

''It's a book, a thing, it's a cow...

Two syIIabIes.

''Come, scientists of the worId.

We wiII show you proof.''

And they wouId have proved it.

SiX times, they couId have proved it.

The Russians, they weren't getting on

with the Americans at the time.

So... A bit Iike now.

So...yes. So, they did go to the Moon.

And I had a Iot invested in that as a chiId

in Bishop's Stortford watching,

I didn't Iive there, but I just thought that,

''I'II go to Bishop's Stortford.''

'Cause it's such a crazy name.

'Cause obviousIy a bishop did

have a stortford there, whatever it was.

So, yeah. And when they Ianded

on the Moon, that was the time.

If there is a God in the universe he shouId

have come down and said,

''You're the first ones to make it from

the bIue one to the grey one. WeII done.

''You win Smarties forever,

and congratuIations.

''NeiI? NeiI. NeiI, weII done. And, Buzz.

Buzz Lightyear? You Buzz Lightyear?

''You Buzz Lightyear? You Buzz Lightyear?

You're boX cIever. WeII done.

''Take off your heImets, reIaX.

WeIcome, weIcome.

''No, don't take your heImets off. It's a joke.

''Sorry, I'm a bit dry. My humour's a bit dry.

I hung out with the British for a whiIe.

''Now, so, yes. WeII, this is the grey one.

''And it's just the top coat. We're going to

paint it at some point. We're thinking pink.

''What do you think of pink? I'm trying to do

a snooker thing. BIue one, red one, pink...

''Yes. Yes, I'm God

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