EDTV Page #3

CUT TO:

11C INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

ED:

My Mom's okay. Kinda.

I knew a guy who hated his mother -

Stuey Shwam. He hated his mother so

much, he had his belly button

removed.

CUT TO:

11D INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

ED:

No, I've never been married.

The interviewer seems to be waiting for him to elaborate.

He doesn't. He shrugs -- that's it.

CUT TO:

11E INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

ED:

Oh, my father -what an a**hole. When I was

twelve, my mother needed a

hysterectomy -- my father ran

off with her nurse! And that's

the last I heard of him.

CUT TO:

11F INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

ED:

Al, my stepfather he's

opinionated. And you have to

listen because he's like in a

wheelchair.

CUT TO:

11G INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

ED:

I like my job -- I

mean I'm doing all right. I'm

not sure how long I want to stay

there, you know... I mean, I'm

thirty-one... I'm not sure I

want to be a video store clerk

when I'm forty... Of course, I

didn't expect to be doing it

'til I was thirty-one, either.

But... you know I'm... keeping

my options open. Anything comes

along, I'm ready to pounce.

(growls like a cougar)

CUT TO:

11H INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

ED:

A dream? Of course I have a

dream I just don't know what

the hell it is.

(shrugs and smiles)

Ed's image freezes, while he has a funny-cute expression on

his face.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL a TV in a conference room with Ed's

frozen image on it. Cynthia is there with her bosses, the

people who run the network that owns Real TV. The top man is

MR. SCHARLACH. His deputies are MS. SEAVER and MR. McILVAINE.

This is not the same place where we met Cynthia and her

staff. This is richer, more corporate and formal.

CYNTHIA:

He's who we want to go with.

SCHARLACH:

(doubtfully)

This guy.

CYNTHIA:

I polled my

staff. The men say they'd hang

around with him and the women say

he's fuckable. And one of the men

said he's fuckable.

SCHARLACH:

I'm not

sure about the entire concept.

Cynthia is frustrated.

CYNTHIA:

Look it's not like we're

burning up the airwaves

now. We're running neck-and-neck

with The Gardening Channel. If

people just tune in to this twice a

day for five minutes, we're a hit.

Plus we can sell advertising every

second, running at the bottom of the

screen... and the beauty is this guy

doesn't even have to be good. I mean

if he's good, great. But if he winds

up making an ass of himself, better.

McILVAINE

How is that better?

CYNTHIA:

Come on. People cannot turn away

from an accident. You drive by,

you say "Ooh, I hope there's not

a head lying in the road" but you

look ! See, nobody in America

wants to be nobody. This guy

wants to be famous. So,

basically, the deal is he agrees

to drive down the highway a

hundred miles an hour blindfolded

and we get to see if his head

winds up rolling down the

highway. Fun for the whole

family. So let's do it.

She stops, waiting for approval.

12 INT. VIDEO STORE

SCHARLACH:

(coldly)

Good luck.

Ed's RE-STOCKING the SHELVES

He gets goosed from behind

RAY (O.C.)

(very loud and happy)

Hey...

ED:

(goosed)

Oh!

Ed DROPS the BOXES. Ray is there with Shari.

RAY:

I got your message. Way to go!

ED:

Hi, Shari.

(to Ray)

Let's go in the stockroom.

13 INT. STOCKROOM

Ed and Ray enter.

RAY:

So when do you start?

ED:

I ... I'm not gonna do it.

RAY:

What?

ED:

Look -- there's a

million ways to humiliate yourself -

I gotta think of a new way? I mean,

it's all day! Every minute. Id be

like a monkey at the zoo. I just...

RAY:

(disgusted)

Oh man! They

couldn't pick me! They had to pick

you!

He slaps a tape off a shelf.

ED:

You would do this? You would

actually --

RAY:

In a second! In a hot second.

Let me ask you something --

ED:

Why do you do that?

RAY:

What?

ED:

Whenever you ask me

something why do you always say "Let

me ask you something?" Why don't you

just ask me?

RAY:

(impatiently)

All right. Let

me ask you something... are you

happy like this?

ED:

I'm doing all right.

RAY:

Oh Yeah? What's your master plan here?

Shari enters, curious about the yelling. She stands there

quietly, unnoticed by the guys.

RAY (CONT'D)

You're

gonna be a video store clerk for

the rest of your life? This is your

big ambition, rearranging the

"Ernest" movies?

ED:

Screw off.

RAY:

How many

opportunities are you going to

get in your life?

ED:

I don't know.

RAY:

That's right. You

don't know. Doors don't fly open

for guys like us.

ED:

Hey. You know-- we're not the

same. I got a good life, this

job suits me. I come and go when

I please --

RAY:

Oh, don't bullshit a

bullshitter. If you're happy like

this you're an idiot, and you're not

an idiot.

(sees Shari)

Hi.

Ed turns and sees Shari. She's self-conscious. She feels like she's

been caught eavesdropping.

SHARI:

Oh. I -- I heard Ray yelling.

1 didn't mean to --

RAY:

(to Ed)

Give me a chance. I'm begging

you. I need a break. Look, I'11

cover your ass. I'11 ride

shotgun. Just bring those

cameras over to me and I'11 make

something happen for both of us.

I swear. Come on, Eddie

Pause.

ED:

All right.

RAY:

Yeah?!

ED:

Yeah.

Ray lifts Ed up.

Ray kisses Ed.

RAY:

(to Shari)

Is this guy a brother?!

14 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Moderate-priced, restaurant.

WE OPEN ON a CLOSE-UP of AL. He's about seventy.

REVEAL THE FAMILY

AL:

What happens when

you go to the bathroom? Do they

go in with you?

Ed, Ray, Al, JEANETTE and MARCIA. Al is in a WHEELCHAIR and has an

oxygen mask connected to a tank. He periodically takes a hit of

oxygen. He's a little short of breath, but loves to talk. Jeanette

is Ed's mother -- about sixty. Marcia is a little older than Ed.

ED:

No. The bathroom is off

limits -and when I go to sleep they

go to other programming. Unless I get

up. Then they go back on the air.

Unless I get up to go to the

bathroom, I guess, then -

AL:

What if--you're vomiting?

ED:

(amazed by the

question)

What if I'm vomiting?

AL:

Do they show it?

ED:

I guess -- I don't -- it's all in

the contract. There's this

million-page contract --

RAY:

Look, can we all

just sign the releases so we can

get on with this?

MARCIA:

(accusing, to Ed)

What happened? You described this

"crazy-kooky" family who'd be a

million laughs on TV?

ED:

No! I barely even

mentioned -it's just that, my

friends, the people at work,

whoever I'm regularly in contact

with they want releases from.

MARCIA:

(angrily)

They're gonna mock our foibles.

ED:

Our what?

MARCIA:

Our foibles, our foibles!

RAY:

We don't have foibles.

MARCIA:

Everyone has

foibles. Then the whole country sees

them on TV and mocks them. Then we

have... mocked foibles.

JEANTTE:

Eddie, please

don't let them mock our foibles.

ED:

(losing it)

Stop saying foibles!

MARCIA:

Look, my life

is not so great, that I want it

shown on television. And neither

is yours.

RAY:

That's the point -- this could

change things.

MARCIA:

How?

RAY:

For instance... me and my friend

Bucky are buying out my boss. His

equipment, trucks, client list, the

whole shmear.

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