EDTV Page #5

29 INT. PARENTS' HOUSE

Jeanette and Al watching Ed.

JEANETTE:

(being positive)

So far...

30 INT. OFFICE

KEITH:

Somebody shoot me.

31 INT. NETWORK OFFICE

Scharlach, Seaver and McIlvaine watching, grim-faced.

32 INT. OFFICE

Cynthia is ON the PHONE.

CYNTHIA:

Get him out of the house! I want

him moving!

33 INT. CONTROL TRUCK

DIRECTOR:

(on the phone)

Hey, I want him dead, but what can

I do.

34 INT. KITCHEN

Ed is EATING. He peers confused at the camera.

ANGLE ON:

CAMERA OPERATORS. They're signaling Ed to get out.

ANGLE ON ED:

Bewildered, imitating their gestures.

ED:

What... You want me to swim?

35 INT. CONTROL TRUCK

The Director is still on the phone. She's watching Ed on a

monitor.

DIRECTOR:

Oh God...

Ed gets it.

ED:

Oh, out? You want me to go out.

36 EXT. BUILDING

Ed exits the building with the Operators walking backwards in front

of him, bumping into PEOPLE- People watch, curiously.

Ed reaches his car. He takes out his keys and drops them in a muddy

puddle. Disgusted, he fishes them out.

CUT TO:

36A INT. NETWORK BUILDING

Scharlach, watching impassively.

CUT TO:

36B INT. ED'S CAR

Ed, in the car. He can barely fit the key into the ignition. Carlos,

in the passenger seat taps him on the arm. Ed looks up. Carlos holds

up a hastily-made sign. "It's okay. Relax, man." Carlos WINKS. This

does help Ed. He appreciates it. He drives.

WE SEE the control truck in motion. We also see another car

with another Steady-cam OPERATOR, shooting Ed's car as they

travel.

37 EXT. STREET - MONTAGE

Ed is doing his morning errands. A little shopping -- a little

banking -- always ON CAMERA. At one point, he WALKS INTO a

GLASS DOOR with the word "Pull" on it. He pushed,

banging his forehead. A CHILD points to the word "Pull." Ed turns

to the camera, embarrassed. Later he buys a slice of pizza at a

little place that's doing no business.

ED:

(to the camera)

Best pizza in New Jersey.

As he walks down the street, PEOPLE call out "Hey Ed!" People

in windows show him that they're watching him at that exact

moment.

The camera shoots some of the people in the windows. They see

themselves on TV and they go wild. Ed also is confronted by

GUYS grabbing their crotches mockingly, calling out things

like "Hey, Ed, holding your own?" or "Hey, Ed, howls the grand

ballroom." Ed is slightly chagrined by all this, but handles

it with good grace. He seems to be loosening up.

38 INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY

Ed arrives at work. The store is already open. (Ed usually

gets there in the afternoon and stays until closing.)

CUSTOMERS are a little stunned by the arrival of a camera.

Some know what it's about some don't.

The CLERKS are aware of what's going on. They all signed

releases. Ed's BOSS greets him stiffly. Clearly he's trying

to get face-time on camera.

ED:

Hey, Lou.

LOU:

(stiffly)

Welcome to work, Ed.

He shakes Ed's hand and smiles at the camera. He WAVES a little.

The BROOM GUY crosses, staring transfixed at the camera. He

blocks Ed and Lou. He FREEZES, then panics. He tries to get

out of the way and trips over his broom. He tumbles face-first

into the camera lens, hurting himself.

ANGLE ON ED, observing.

ED:

(mutters)

Oh, Jesus, I'm dying.

39 INT. CONTROL TRUCK

DIRECTOR:

Carlos, give him some air, give him

some room. Use a longer lens. We'11

mostly go with the stationary cameras

in here. Less intrusive.

(to the crew in the truck,

sarcastically)

Have any of you

thought about your next career?

40 INT. A KITCHEN - SAME TIME

A WOMAN is serving dinner. She's watching Ed on TV -- really just

glancing at it. Her HUSBAND is helping her bring the food to the

table.

HUSBAND:

Why are we watching this?

WIFE:

(a little guilty)

No reason. just... I just want to

see what happens.

HUSBAND:

Nothing's gonna happen. He's just...

working.

WIFE:

Oh, come on, they

wouldn't put it on if nothing was

gonna happen.

He changes the channel. She changes it back. He doesn't get it

at all.

RAPID CUTS of VARIOUS PEOPLE around America, watching -- A couple, a

young guy, a woman alone -- ending with a few college-age girls in what

appears to be a dorm room.

ONE GIRL is watching intently. Her roommates are mostly just

hanging around not really watching.

COLLEGE GIRL:

I think he's cute.

one of her roommates glances over to see what she's so excited

about.

41 EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Ed is walking. He passes the little pizza place he touted earlier.

There's a LINE out into the street. The STOREOWNER is working hard -

- deliriously happy. Ed passes, oblivious to what he's created.

42 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

The Camera Operator is shooting Ed in the bathroom CLIPPING his

TOENAILS:

ED:

Some guys work from

the big toe down to the little toe.

Not me. I save the big one for

last. That's the one I really

enjoy. It's thick, it's big, it's

a challenge. Did you ever see old

people's nails?

(makes a disgusted

noise)

43 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT

Ray and Shari watching Ed. Ray is BANGING HIS HEAD on the table.

RAY:

This is not working.

(to Ed on TV)

Come to me!

44 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE - NIGHT

It's late. She's alone. She's ON the PHONE. She's coming apart.

CYNTHIA:

(into phone)

No, I haven't seen the spot

ratings...

(she winces)

As she talks, she tries to LIGHT a CIGARETTE. She's shaking too

much to use her lighter.

CYNTHIA (CONT'D)

(into phone)

I think that's a number

from which we can hopefully, uh...

build...

ANGRY at her lighter, she throws it breaking a window.

CYNTHIA (CONT'D)

I disagree... No, I am not ready

to pull the plug... Yes, Mr.

Scharlach, I know they shoot

horses...

(getting angry)

Look, it's been one day. Can I have

a week with this and then have

you fly up my nose?!

(hangs up)

She immediately regrets her outburst.

45 INT. BAR - NIGHT

Written on the screen -- "Day Two."

OPEN ON TURTLES racing (as only turtles can) across the floor.

The turtles have little plastic men, seated on their backs.

The CROWD CHEERS and SCREAMS for their favorite turtles. Ed is

being followed by the steady-cams but seems to be ignoring it.

Ed is in a group which includes John, and Ray. The race ends

John looks very uncomfortable.

BARTENDER:

The winner... Dashing Danny.

Ed wins. MONEY changes hands.

ED:

Next round's on me.

One of the cameras is very close to John. He's very

SELFCONSCIOUS. He doesn't look where he's walking. He

trips. PEOPLE LAUGH.

ED:

(off-hand joke)

Polish acrobat.

RAY:

(loudly)

Hey. Check this out.

(to the cameramen)

Look at this.

Ray TAKES OUT a big stack of QUARTERS and sets them on the bar next

to a SHOT GLASS

46 INT. CONTROL TRUCK

DIRECTOR:

Go with the desperate brother.

47 INT. BAR

The cameras go with Ray. Ray does a "spit the quarters off the bar

into the shot glass" trick, while PEOPLE CHEER.

Ed is standing next to Shari. They're OFF-CAMERA.

ED:

Whoa, God bless Ray.

First time I'm off-camera in two

days. This is hard, you know? I'm,

like, exhausted.

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