EDTV Page #9

SHARI:

(into phone)

Um, I'd like to get a new phone

number, please... Because I'm

getting calls from every nut case

in America... Right, unlisted...

Sure.

(she holds)

RITA:

Aren't you excited? He said he

loved you on television!

SHARI:

He didn't say it. His stepfather

said it.

RITA:

(joking)

Well, the stepfather's cute...

Seriously, how do you feel about

Ed?

Pause.

SHARI:

I think he's great. He just

makes me feel... oh, I'm really

gonna get hurt, this time - Hello ...

CUTS OF VARIOUS VIEWERS WATCHING REAL TV

End on TAD and BARRY in a health club. This is the refreshment

area. They've played racquetball and they're sweaty. They're

watching Real TV.

TAD:

I'11 tell you something else.

The old guy in the wheelchair?

The stepfather? They're gonna

have him die.

BARRY:

What do you mean "they're gonna

have him die?"

TAD:

You know, for a tearjerker. The

audience falls in love with this

loveable old geezer in a

wheelchair and then he dies,

it's ... They know what they're

doing.

BARRY:

This is real, Bananahead!

TAD:

So?

BARRY:

So if it's a show and they have

a guy die that's writing, but if

it's real and they have a guy die

that's murder.

94 EXT. VIDEO STORE - DAY

Ed arrives for work.

People CALL OUT to him-- PEDESTRIANS, PEOPLE FROM CARS, TRUCK

DRIVERS. "Hey Ed, my man." Ed waves. People shake his hand.

A teenage boy looks into the camera, making a funny face.

Someone else looks into the camera and says, "Hi, Ma."

Suddenly, Ray is there with a WOMAN. Ray is not happy. He's

wearing DARK GLASSES and a HAT.

RAY:

Hi.

Ed stops.

ED:

... Ray?

RAY:

Yeah.

ED:

Oh, man, I've been trying to call

you.

RAY:

I know.

ED:

Look, we gotta talk.

RAY:

Save it.

A GUY in a car appears and points at Ray.

GUY:

Hey, you're that French guy on TV.

RAY:

French guy?

GUY:

Monsieur Bad-a-lay.

The guy drives away. Ray is steaming.

RAY:

Let me just do what I came here

to do.

Ed thinks he means to fight. Ed tries to calm him.

ED:

What are we gonna fight? Ray,

please, listen to me --

RAY:

(beckoning)

Cassie...

CASSIE, a woman about Ray's age, steps forward. She's slightly

self-conscious.

RAY (CONT'D)

Go ahead.

Ray points Cassie to the camera.

CASSIE:

This is really hard.

RAY:

You promised me.

CASSIE:

(to the camera)

I went out with Ray a few years

ago for... a couple of months.

And we... were intimate. And.

he's really not as bad as that

girl said he was.

Ray nods.

CASSIE (CONT'D)

I mean, I've definitely had

worse.

RAY:

That's enough.

Ed is amazed that Ray would do this.

RAY (CONT'D)

(to Ed)

Good-bye, brother!

ED:

Ray, come an--

Ray leaves, still angry.

Cassie lingers.

CASSIE:

(flirting slightly)

So you're Ed.

Ray returns and yanks Cassie away with him. Ed still hasn't

recovered from the bizarreness he just witnessed. Two girls

YELL in unison from across the street.

GIRLS:

Ed... we love you!

95 INT. REAL TV OFFICE - NIGHT

Cynthia and her staff, around a conference call box.

CYNTHIA:

We're not going to be able to

come over there for anymore

midnight meetings. People are

starting to watch your building.

The interest level in you is

soaring.

INTERCUT WITH:

95A INT. ED'S BEDROOM.

Ed's OFF-CAMERA

ED:

Soaring is good, right? I mean,

that means you're not gonna

cancel me, right?

KEITH:

(sotto)

Man, he wants that balloon

payment.

ED (V.O.)

Huh?

TERRY:

Ed, why didn't you go over to see

Shari today? That's what all our

viewers were hoping you'd do.

ED:

Isn't she great? I mean, maybe

just to me, but... I don't know,

she's just --

TERRY:

(impatiently)

She's great, she's great. Why

didn't you go see her?

ED:

I wanted to! I was dying to!

But...

GREG:

Is it Ray?

(pulls out research)

The audience hates Ray. Females,

18 to 35 --

ED:

No, I don't need to hear that. Cynthia?

CYNTHIA:

Yes, Ed.

ED:

Could we just talk alone for a

second? I --

CYNTHIA:

Good idea.

(to her staff)

Could you all leave us alone for

a few minutes?

She PANTOMIMES for them to stay in the room, but be quiet. The

staff scrape chair legs and feign movement and ad lib "Bye Ed",

"See you, buddy" etc. They all stay.

CYNTHIA (CONT'D)

How you doing, Ed?

ED:

I feel like when I was a kid and

my mother sent me to school in

orange corduroy pants.

CYNTHIA:

(no clue)

Uh-huh?

ED:

And all the kids stared calling

me "Pumpkin Ass." "Hey Pumpkin

Ass," -- for like a year. So,

now, I feel like everyone's

watching me and, you know, I'm

"Pumpkin Ass" again.

The staff are stifling giggles.

CYNTHIA:

Can I tell you something? I

think you are fantastic. I think

you have taken an idea and turned

it into something explosive.

The staff stifle laughter. One of the guys is doing a jerk-off

gesture. Cynthia gives them the finger.

ED:

Yeah?

CYNTHIA:

Can I give you one bit of advice?

About Shari?

ED:

Sure.

CYNTHIA:

A woman wants to be pursued.

96 EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - DAY

Shari, in her Fed-ex uniform is making a delivery. A WOMAN's

signing for it.

WOMAN:

This is so exciting! A real

celebrity delivering my figs.

SHARI:

(uncomfortable)

Sign here, please.

WOMAN:

That Ray was a pig. Ed is

doll. You latch on to him

honey.

SHARI:

By the X.

WOMAN:

Some more make-up wouldn't do you

any harm. On TV you look a

little washed out.

SHARI:

What would I actually have to do

to get you to sign this?

WOMAN:

(insulted)

Oh, an TV a minute and already an

attitude.

SHARI:

(annoyed)

By the X. That's were two lines

cross -- forming an X.

ANGRILY, the Woman signs and slams the door.

She heads back to her truck. She looks up and Ed is there with

flowers. The TV cameras are there also. Shari is startled.

But she's also glad to see him.

SHARI:

What are you doing?

ED:

I missed you.

She's camera-shy.

ED (CONT'D)

You know, I never saw you in your

uniform before.

SHARI:

Yeah, well...

They both LAUGH.

ED:

It's really a tremendous turnoff.

SHARI:

You should see the one we wear

when it rains.

ED:

Sunday night at the Devils game,

I'm driving the Zamboni.

SHARI:

The what?

ED:

You know, the big machine that

cleans the ice.

SHARI:

Oh yeah.

ED:

It's quite an honor. Will you

come with me?

She looks at the camera.

ED (CONT'D)

(gently)

Look, I know this is weird.

But... I don't want to wait. I

really think we might have

something together. Don't you?

EMBARRASSED, she nods.

ED (CONT'D)

Come on. Be my zamboni date.

She doesn't say "no."

They KISS -- a little hesitantly, not passionately, but

affectionately. She's still self-conscious, but she's going

with the flow.

97 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE

They're watching. They CHEER and high-five each other.

98 INT. SHORT MONTAGE

Ed and Shari dating. She's shy, but she really likes Ed. He

likes her and is very sweet to her.

1) Ed and Shari some place like "Tavern on the Green." She

looks pretty. He's very happy.

2) They come out of a club. TOURISTS photograph them. Shari

is a little disconcerted. Ed takes out a little camera of his

own and photographs the tourists. This makes Shari laugh and

relaxes her.

3) HOCKEY ARENA

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