Educating Rita Page #2

and you're gonna bleedin' well teach me.

There are other teachers.

You're my tutor!

I don't want another one.

- For God's sake, woman!

- But you're my tutor!

I told you, I do not want to do it.

Why pick on me?

Because you're a crazy mad piss artist

who wants to throw his students

through the window.

I like ya! Don't you recognise

a compliment?

And when I come next week

I'll cut your hair.

You will not be coming here next week.

- I will be, and you'll be getting a haircut.

- I will not.

You wanna walk round looking like that?

- Like what?

- Like a geriatric hippy.

See ya next week.

Goin' the wrong way.

Are you familiar with Forster?

Yes, of course. Superb.

Between you and me, I think he's crap.

- You're a student, aren't ya?

- Yes.

So am I.

Brian, why don't you get Elaine a refill?

And yourself, of course.

Well, as Frank hasn't arrived yet.

- Lovely record, Julie.

- Yes, isn't it?

I do hope Frank won't be too late.

God, I forgot -

I meant to phone my publisher.

- May I, Julia?

- Of course.

Shan't be a minute, dear.

All right, darling?

- Lovely.

- Good.

- Brian.

- Darling.

It's Frank.

Yes, yes, I know that, Morgan.

I don't think you've even

read the contract.

Morgan, you don't seem to be

listening to me.

You realise that I'll probably

have to go to Jones.

- Hello, darling.

- Hello.

- Hello, Elaine.

- Hello, Frank.

- You didn't go to the pub then?

- I changed my mind.

Good. I'll see to the dinner.

But Morgan, you don't seem

to understand how important this is.

It is imperative that the book is

published before the next academic year.

Yes, yes, yes, all right.

I'll phone tomorrow. Goodbye.

Sorry about that - my publisher.

Frank, I wanted to mention this

before we dine.

Slightly embarrassing.

Thing is, there's been

a bit of a complaint.

A complaint, Brian?

Yes, well, apparently, you were

a little drunk at your tutorial today.

- No.

- No?

- No, I was a lot drunk.

- Frank, why do you do it?

When you've got...

Well, what haven't you got?

- A drink, at the moment.

- Oh, Frank.

The staff accept that you...

Well, we understand that you drink

but it shouldn't be

displayed to the students.

Do you know what assonance means?

- Of course.

- Yeah? Go on.

- Assonance.

- Yeah.

Assonance is a rhyme,

the identity of which depends

merely on the vowel sounds.

An assonance is merely

a... syllabic resemblance.

Assonance means

getting the rhyme wrong.

I want to look like that.

- OK.

- Is that a book you're reading?

- Yeah, yeah.

- What's it called?

- Of Human Bondage.

- Yeah?

My husband's got a lot of books like that.

What, Somerset Maugham books?

No, bondage books.

Oh.

Oh, hello. I was just oiling it for ya.

Ooh, sorry, Frank.

- You can have that.

- Sit down.

I love walking round this room.

Rita, don't you ever just

come into a room and sit down?

I don't want to sit down.

I love that lawn down there.

All the proper students.

What?

Oh, yes, yes.

Now, er, this essay you wrote for me.

It was crap.

No, no. The thing is, Rita,

how the hell can you write an essay

on EM Forster

with almost total reference

to Harold Robbins?

Oh, well... Well, you said

to bring in other authors.

"Reference to other works

will impress the examiners," you said.

Yes, I said refer to other works but

I doubt if the examiner will have read...

- Where Love Has Gone.

- That's his hard luck.

And it'll be your hard luck

when he fails your paper

because he would

if you wrote like this during an exam.

Oh, that's prime. Now, there's justice.

I fail cos I'm more well-read

than the friggin' examiner.

Devouring pulp fiction

is not being well-read.

I thought reading

was supposed to be good for one.

It is but you have to be selective.

In your favour here

you've mentioned Sons And Lovers

but this is all over the place.

- Oh.

- It's very subjective and sentimental.

Yeah - crap.

No, there are things that are worthy in it.

If you're going to learn criticism, Rita,

you have to discipline

that mind of yours.

- Are you married?

- What?

Are ya? What's your wife like?

For God's sake, is my wife relevant?

- You should know, you married her.

- Then she is not relevant.

I haven't seen her

in a long time, we split up.

- Sorry.

- Why are you sorry?

- Sorry for asking, being nosy.

- OK.

- The thing about...

- Why did you split up?

Why don't you take notes?

Then when you answer on Forster

you can write an essay

called Frank's Marriage.

Go 'way! I'm only interested.

- We split up, Rita, because of poetry.

- You what?

One day, my wife explained to me

that, for the past 15 years,

my output as a poet had dealt

entirely with the part of our lives

in which we discovered each other.

- Are you a poet?

- Was.

So, to give me something new

to write about, she left me.

A noble woman, my wife -

she left me for the good of literature.

Remarkably, it worked.

You wrote a lot of good stuff, did ya?

No, I stopped writing altogether.

- Are you taking the piss?

- No.

Come on, people don't split up because

of things like that, because of literature.

Ah, you may be right.

But that's how I remember it.

Now, let's get back to Howards End.

- So do you live on your own?

- Rita!

I'm only askin'!

I live with a girl, her name is Julia,

she's a young tutor here.

She's very caring, very tolerant,

and she admires me enormously.

- And do you like her?

- I like her enormously.

It's myself I'm not too fond of.

- You're great!

- Aha!

A vote of confidence. Thank you.

No, you'll find there is less to me

than meets the eye.

See? You can say dead clever things!

I wish I could talk like that, it's brilliant.

Rita, why didn't you walk in here

20 years ago?

I don't think they would've accepted me

at the age of six.

- Now, come on - Forster.

- Oh, forget him.

Now, listen, you asked me to teach you,

you want to learn.

That's going to take a lot of work.

You've barely had any schooling,

you have never been in an examination.

Possessing a hungry mind is not in itself

a guarantee of success.

All right. I just don't like

Howards bleedin' End.

Then go back to what you do like

and stop wasting my time!

Go and buy yourself a dress

and I'll go to the pub.

Is that you putting your foot down?

It is, actually!

Aren't you impressive

when you're angry?

Oh, Rita.

Denny?

What the frig is goin' on?

I thought I'd make these two rooms into

a through lounge. Improve the house.

There's only one way you could improve

this house - by bombing it.

It'll look great, this, when I've finished.

Once I've got the plaster up,

you won't recognise it.

Denny, come to the theatre with me.

What? What for?

If we went to the theatre

we could see the play

and it would help me do me essay.

I've told you, Susan,

I don't like you doing this, right?

Just leave me out of it.

- Where you goin'?

- Upstairs, with Peer Gynt.

With who?

It's a book, you prat.

I thought we were going down

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