Eight Crazy Nights

Well, all right. Look at all that

beautiful, white stuff come down.

Christmas is right around the corner...

... And Hanukkah starts tonight.

Ain't a better time of year.

You got no school, you can eat

like a pig and people give you stuff.

Just makes you feel tingly all over.

But you know what?

There are some buffoons out there who

actually can't stand the holiday season.

And seeing other people

enjoy the festivities...

... Gets them even more disgusted.

In fact, the head honcho of holiday

humbug...

... Lives right here in little old dukesberry.

His name's Davey Stone.

That fool's in the China dragon...

... Coming up with his own way

of feeling tingly all over.

Four scorpion bowl in five minute?

That's got to be a restaurant record.

Well, right now I'm going to go for

another restaurant record: Longest burp.

Congratulations. Now, please excuse me

while I go take shower.

At one time, Davey was a super student,

super athlete...

... Super sweet, super kid and the apple

of his parents' eye.

Now, he's just a 33-year-old,

crazy Jewish guy...

... Who lives for making this town

as miserable as he is...

... Especially on the first night

of Hanukkah.

How'd he end up this way?

Let's save that for later...

... Because right now, Davey's about to

get himself into some serious trouble.

Hope you're not planning on driving

tonight, Stone.

No, officer. I'm just going to say

good night to my car...

Then walk home and enjoy

the holiday decorations.

Listen, sweetheart. I have to leave you

here alone tonight...

But don't you worry, I'll be back

first thing in the morning.

Now, behave yourself,

and don't stay up too late.

Nighty-night.

All right, baby. But let's make this quick.

Oh, mama!

You like it when I hold you like this?

Because I'll do it all night long.

So sweet.

Yes, so precious.

I love you, car.

He dine and dash me! He chew and

screw me! He sip and skip me!

- What?

- He no pay for his four scorpion bowl.

Oh, boy.

Get him.

Come back here, you jerk!

Somebody stop that guy!

I'm the kind of guy who can't stand

a holiday

so I drink them all away, that's me

i don't decorate no trees

and I won't eat no potato latkes

but I'll give this old lady's melons

a squeeze

that's just who I am

well, I'll never spin a dreidel,

but I'll always throw an egg

and I'll Charley horse your leg for laughs

while you're singing your holiday tunes

I'm acting like the town buffoon

whipping out my big, white, scary moon

and blowing a beef your way

i hate folks who think reindeer are cute

to me they're just something to shoot

i hate love

i hate you

i hate me

well, I'm a snowmobile-stealing

no 'tis-the-season-feeling kind of guy

this time of year sucks

so I take my nunchaks

and make sure every snowman dies

believing in Santa's all wrong

and Hanukkah's eight nights too long

i hate love

i hate you

i hate me

coming through.

I hate love

i hate you

i hate me

Davey Stone, you're nothing

but a delinquent!

Stone, what the heck are we

going to do with you?

I've sent you to reform school, the drunk

tank, the local psychiatric ward.

Not one of those places has made you

change an ounce for the better.

You used to be a good kid...

Playing ball for the Jewish community

centre, with the best jump shot ever seen.

Your honor, I still got a pretty good

jump shot. Let me show you.

I'd hit a 3-pointer, but I'd

have to drop my pants...

And pop a thumb up my boo-boo.

You leave me no choice. I'll really

have to crack down hard this time.

Your honor, if it pleases the court,

I'd like to interject for a moment.

What the hell was that? Did anybody else

hear a parakeet, or am I going crazy?

No, Mr. Chang. It's me, Whitey Duval.

And a happy first night of Hanukkah

to you.

I'm not Jewish.

Neither am I, but that don't stop me

from enjoying a holiday.

Whitey, we went over this

two months ago.

It's your last year of reffing

the youth league basketball.

You're turning 70 years old...

And our insurance company says

they won't cover you anymore.

No, no, no.

My interjection pertains to the case

currently under adjudication.

You see, I knew this young man

years ago...

When his moral fiber was still intact.

What are you getting at?

Why not sentence him to be a

referee-in-training for youth basketball?

I've seen some pretty rowdy kids

turn into perfect gentlemen...

After spending time on my court.

If that happened with Stone,

it would be a miracle.

It's the holidays. Things like that have

been known to happen this time of year.

Whitey, if you want to work with

this punk, then God bless you.

But Mr. Stone, what Whitey says goes.

And if I hear that you break one law...

I'll send you to the state

penitentiary for no less than 10 years.

Happy holidays.

Oh, God.

The short man who's kind

and the donkey's behind.

What a bizarre match up.

Good luck, Whitey. You'll need it.

Okay, let's give the little guy

some support.

Did I just see two persian cats

on your ass?

I think I'm going to barf.

Your horn works, try the lights.

Okay.

One. Two.

Good to see you still got circus feet.

Men's 11 right foot, children's

9 left foot...

At your service.

Yuck.

Now, I assume you've done

your pre-game stretching.

No, let me do it right now.

One. Two. Three.

Four. Five. Six.

Okay. That's good, but don't forget

your hammies.

Of course Whitey wouldn't understand

what getting flipped off means.

He's so behind the times,

he thinks Viagra's a big waterfall.

But there is one thing he knows.

The voting has begun for the highest

honor anyone in town could receive.

I think it's gonna be your year, Whitey.

I really do.

Whoa. Don't even think of coming

on this floor with those hard soles, pally.

Fine, I'll just ref in my socks.

Must be game time.

Don't let him push your buttons, whitey.

What are you waiting for?

- Come on. Dribble!

- Hurry up!

What, no whistle on that one, ref?

Okay.

Foul on this kid for eating

everything in sight.

Jelly jugs, next time you come on

my court, you better wear a bra. Okay?

He was just kidding, son.

You've got very nice b*obs.

- Jerk!

- Idiot!

You don't like that? How about you

throw something at me. I dare you.

With pleasure!

They're scratching up my floor.

Here comes a seizure.

This will pass in a second, kids.

Don't be scared.

Is he break dancing?

Okay, that's it. Game over.

Nobody wants to see an old man die.

Fatty's team loses because

I want to see him cry again.

I want to talk to you in my office.

Why the hell are we at the mall?

You need to clean your brain out.

And to me, the mall is the best place

to do that.

What's good about this place?

What's good about it? Everything.

You want a pair of socks?

My buddy, Mr. foot locker,

will warm your feet.

You need a fancy doodad?

Hello, sharper lmage. Thanks for the

combination pogo sticklclock radio.

I mean, the body shop, the tie rack...

Gnc, radioshack...

Petland for a cat or two,

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