Eight Crazy Nights Page #2

Spencer's gifts for some fake dog doo...

Sbarro's, dunkin' donuts,

they're simply the best.

And don't forget the orange

chicken at panda express.

But if you're short of cash

like little old me...

The window shopping's always free.

Did you prepare that or did you rhyme

that many times in a row by accident?

Yeah, that was weird, wasn't it?

Maybe you are a leprechaun.

Let's just get some snacks and chat.

Okay?

Aren't you a boy?

Now, I'd like to make this work out.

But in order to do so, you're

going to have to learn...

That youth basketball ain't about you

and your lack of respect for others.

It's about the kids and teaching them

responsibility and teamwork.

I've been doing my part for 35 years.

Are you ready to join me, big guy?

Joke's on you, tough guy. I can't read.

Special delivery for Whitey duvall,

sugar-free doughnuts.

Every day she does this for me.

Jennifer, you're too much.

My fraternal twin sister's a diabetic...

And out of respect for her and her

disease, I don't eat sugar products.

There's a surprise in there you'll like.

Don't tell me it's bavarian cream-filled.

It is bavarian cream-filled!

Hubba-bubba!

These babies make my taste buds

do double daffies, for gosh sakes.

Why are you hiding over there?

It's okay, sweetheart. Talk to Whitey.

Hi, Whitey. I got another chanukah

present tonight.

Wow, Benjamin, an etch a sketch.

Not too shabby.

That's a game boy, you idiot.

Sorry, I'm not up

on modern technology.

But I guess my friend Davey is.

Why don't you tell him what else you got.

First night, I got a basketball

and some dreidels.

Night two, I got a pup tent for camping

in the backyard.

And tonight, I got this.

Wow. Maybe on night four the Hanukkah

monster will take a big crap on your bed.

Thanks for sharing the holiday spirit,

psycho.

Come and help me clean the muffin trays.

- Bye, Whitey.

- See you at the game tomorrow.

Your girlfriend's backyard

isn't sugar-free. That baby looks sweet.

Technical foul! Technical foul!

That's a lady, and you will not

speak about her that way!

Easy.

She's going through a tough time now.

Last spring, her husband of 13 years

ups and leaves her...

For a woman he met on the computer.

She had the courage to move back a

month ago to try and raise her boy alone.

So she's available?

You wish, Mac. You blew your shot

with her 20 years ago.

Twenty years?

Was that Jennifer Friedman?

I'm surprised you have enough brain cells

left to remember.

Hey, Jennifer, you still coming over to

watch Dukes of Hazzard after the game?

That's a big 10-4, Davey.

Hey, Davey.

Smile! Your mom wants to take a picture.

Thanks, honey.

If my parents fall asleep early,

I'll show you my basement.

Keep dreaming.

They make a nice couple

boogie-oogie-oogies.

I don't know when you were goofier,

then or now.

Good evening, mayor stuey duhy.

Out for some late-night shopping?

Yeah. Then I have to figure out how to

rebuild our giant menorah and Santa.

Thanks for ruining the ice pageant again,

Stone.

I didn't do it for you.

I did it for the ladies.

Yeah, right.

Has there been talk about who the lucky

patch recipient may be this year or?

That's up to who the town votes for.

Could be you or me or anybody.

All right, I'm going to get going now.

Happy holidays, your excellence.

Good night, mayor! And the answer

to your question is Spencer's gifts.

They definitely have furry underwear.

You're gross.

Is it just me, or did you notice

when he said, "it could be you"...

There was a certain sincerity

in his voice, or?

You actually give a crap

about winning a patch?

It's only the most prestigious award

given out at the all-star banquet.

Can you imagine?

Won't you dance with me

at the annual all-star banquet?

We'll be so fancy-free

at the annual all-star banquet

everyone in town will be looking

their best

even Mrs. selman with her one

extra breast

it's the kind of a night when your

feet match

when you feel nearly 5-foot-3!

They'll laugh and they'll dance

and they'll pee in their pants

'cause there's a patch at the

all-star banquet waiting for me

can you take me home now?

Well, that was nice of Davey to snap

Whitey out of his little dream.

All that song was saying

was the patch means the world to Whitey.

He'd rather be remembered

for his hard work...

... Not for the fact that he had the

hairiest buns in the locker room.

Can you blame him?

How's that peanut brittle?

Crunchy and delicious.

Funny, I don't remember Denise

or Janice ringing up a purchase for you.

I guess that means I stole it.

Easy, seizure-boy!

That's it. I'm calling the judge.

Go ahead. I'll be on the first bus out.

I ain't spending 10 years in prison.

Maybe I'll just take you in myself.

Don't think you can intimidate me

just because of my size.

Why? You're smaller than me?

I didn't notice that.

Put me down! Put me down!

And get out of my car right now!

Oh, no. You're going to make me walk

10 feet? Because that's where I live, idiot!

Thanks for the ride, patchy.

It was great patching with you.

And I guess I'll patch you later.

I'm letting this one go, Stone.

But next screw-up, it's slammer time.

Got any sand or rock salt in there?

I need to get some traction.

"Got any sand or rock salt in there?

'Cause I need to get some..."

Oh, shut up!

He could've at least given me a push

or something.

- Closing, channel 36 would

like to wish all of its Jewish viewers...

... The very happiest of Hanukkahs.

Boo!

Hey!

A little help, fellas?

One. Two. Three!

Have a holly, jolly one, guys.

Doesn't it make you feel good...

... When you see a group of deer

helping a motorist in need?

But I bet Whitey wishes they showed up

earlier...

... Because his sister, Eleanor,

gets a little edgy when he's late.

Whitey, where were you?

You're an hour and 51 minutes late.

I already called the morgue.

They said you weren't there,

but to try back later.

I had an interesting talk

with the mayor tonight.

The mayor? Was it about the ruffians

who stole my Liz Taylor wig?

Eleanor, that was 45 years ago.

I'm still shaking from it.

Anyways, the mayor seems to think

there's a chance...

I might receive the patch this year.

Oh, boy. Let's just soak our feet, brother.

First position. Second position.

See you later, smell.

Just don't get your hopes up too high

about the patch.

I can handle myself, Eleanor. Trust me.

When you have enough lights to make

your house look like the Vegas strip...

... You'll have a big electric bill.

And being a volunteer referee

for the youth basketball league...

... Doesn't exactly get you

in the fortune 500.

So old Whitey's up bright and early every

day, searching the town for odd jobs...

... To help make ends meet

for him and eleanore.

How's that, fellas?!

It's crooked, shorty. Move it to the right.

You got it.

Whoops.

Well, will you look at that.

It's a jackass-in-the-box.

Let's go get some coffee.

Anything else I can do for you guys?

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