Eight Crazy Nights Page #2
Spencer's gifts for some fake dog doo...
Sbarro's, dunkin' donuts,
they're simply the best.
And don't forget the orange
chicken at panda express.
But if you're short of cash
like little old me...
The window shopping's always free.
Did you prepare that or did you rhyme
that many times in a row by accident?
Yeah, that was weird, wasn't it?
Maybe you are a leprechaun.
Let's just get some snacks and chat.
Okay?
Aren't you a boy?
Now, I'd like to make this work out.
But in order to do so, you're
going to have to learn...
That youth basketball ain't about you
and your lack of respect for others.
It's about the kids and teaching them
responsibility and teamwork.
I've been doing my part for 35 years.
Are you ready to join me, big guy?
Joke's on you, tough guy. I can't read.
Special delivery for Whitey duvall,
sugar-free doughnuts.
Every day she does this for me.
Jennifer, you're too much.
My fraternal twin sister's a diabetic...
And out of respect for her and her
disease, I don't eat sugar products.
There's a surprise in there you'll like.
Don't tell me it's bavarian cream-filled.
It is bavarian cream-filled!
Hubba-bubba!
These babies make my taste buds
do double daffies, for gosh sakes.
Why are you hiding over there?
It's okay, sweetheart. Talk to Whitey.
Hi, Whitey. I got another chanukah
present tonight.
Wow, Benjamin, an etch a sketch.
Not too shabby.
That's a game boy, you idiot.
Sorry, I'm not up
on modern technology.
But I guess my friend Davey is.
Why don't you tell him what else you got.
First night, I got a basketball
and some dreidels.
Night two, I got a pup tent for camping
in the backyard.
And tonight, I got this.
Wow. Maybe on night four the Hanukkah
monster will take a big crap on your bed.
Thanks for sharing the holiday spirit,
psycho.
Come and help me clean the muffin trays.
- Bye, Whitey.
- See you at the game tomorrow.
Your girlfriend's backyard
isn't sugar-free. That baby looks sweet.
Technical foul! Technical foul!
That's a lady, and you will not
speak about her that way!
Easy.
She's going through a tough time now.
Last spring, her husband of 13 years
ups and leaves her...
For a woman he met on the computer.
She had the courage to move back a
month ago to try and raise her boy alone.
So she's available?
You wish, Mac. You blew your shot
with her 20 years ago.
Twenty years?
Was that Jennifer Friedman?
I'm surprised you have enough brain cells
left to remember.
Hey, Jennifer, you still coming over to
watch Dukes of Hazzard after the game?
That's a big 10-4, Davey.
Hey, Davey.
Smile! Your mom wants to take a picture.
Thanks, honey.
If my parents fall asleep early,
I'll show you my basement.
Keep dreaming.
They make a nice couple
boogie-oogie-oogies.
I don't know when you were goofier,
then or now.
Good evening, mayor stuey duhy.
Out for some late-night shopping?
Yeah. Then I have to figure out how to
rebuild our giant menorah and Santa.
Thanks for ruining the ice pageant again,
Stone.
I didn't do it for you.
I did it for the ladies.
Yeah, right.
Has there been talk about who the lucky
patch recipient may be this year or?
That's up to who the town votes for.
Could be you or me or anybody.
All right, I'm going to get going now.
Happy holidays, your excellence.
Good night, mayor! And the answer
to your question is Spencer's gifts.
They definitely have furry underwear.
You're gross.
Is it just me, or did you notice
when he said, "it could be you"...
There was a certain sincerity
in his voice, or?
You actually give a crap
about winning a patch?
It's only the most prestigious award
given out at the all-star banquet.
Can you imagine?
Won't you dance with me
at the annual all-star banquet?
We'll be so fancy-free
at the annual all-star banquet
everyone in town will be looking
their best
even Mrs. selman with her one
extra breast
it's the kind of a night when your
feet match
when you feel nearly 5-foot-3!
They'll laugh and they'll dance
and they'll pee in their pants
'cause there's a patch at the
all-star banquet waiting for me
can you take me home now?
Well, that was nice of Davey to snap
Whitey out of his little dream.
All that song was saying
was the patch means the world to Whitey.
He'd rather be remembered
for his hard work...
... Not for the fact that he had the
hairiest buns in the locker room.
Can you blame him?
How's that peanut brittle?
Crunchy and delicious.
Funny, I don't remember Denise
or Janice ringing up a purchase for you.
I guess that means I stole it.
Easy, seizure-boy!
That's it. I'm calling the judge.
Go ahead. I'll be on the first bus out.
I ain't spending 10 years in prison.
Maybe I'll just take you in myself.
Don't think you can intimidate me
just because of my size.
Why? You're smaller than me?
I didn't notice that.
Put me down! Put me down!
And get out of my car right now!
Oh, no. You're going to make me walk
10 feet? Because that's where I live, idiot!
Thanks for the ride, patchy.
It was great patching with you.
And I guess I'll patch you later.
I'm letting this one go, Stone.
But next screw-up, it's slammer time.
Got any sand or rock salt in there?
I need to get some traction.
"Got any sand or rock salt in there?
'Cause I need to get some..."
Oh, shut up!
He could've at least given me a push
or something.
- Closing, channel 36 would
like to wish all of its Jewish viewers...
... The very happiest of Hanukkahs.
Boo!
Hey!
A little help, fellas?
One. Two. Three!
Have a holly, jolly one, guys.
Doesn't it make you feel good...
... When you see a group of deer
helping a motorist in need?
But I bet Whitey wishes they showed up
earlier...
... Because his sister, Eleanor,
gets a little edgy when he's late.
Whitey, where were you?
You're an hour and 51 minutes late.
They said you weren't there,
but to try back later.
I had an interesting talk
with the mayor tonight.
The mayor? Was it about the ruffians
Eleanor, that was 45 years ago.
Anyways, the mayor seems to think
there's a chance...
I might receive the patch this year.
Oh, boy. Let's just soak our feet, brother.
First position. Second position.
See you later, smell.
Just don't get your hopes up too high
about the patch.
I can handle myself, Eleanor. Trust me.
When you have enough lights to make
your house look like the Vegas strip...
... You'll have a big electric bill.
for the youth basketball league...
... Doesn't exactly get you
in the fortune 500.
So old Whitey's up bright and early every
day, searching the town for odd jobs...
... To help make ends meet
for him and eleanore.
How's that, fellas?!
It's crooked, shorty. Move it to the right.
You got it.
Whoops.
Well, will you look at that.
It's a jackass-in-the-box.
Let's go get some coffee.
Anything else I can do for you guys?
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"Eight Crazy Nights" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 23 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/eight_crazy_nights_7505>.
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