Eight Crazy Nights Page #3

If you clean out the crappers,

I'll give you a buck.

Consider it done.

Nice doing business with you.

That's what happens

when you hit the bottle.

You go to sleep in dukesberry,

you wake up in pukesberry.

Pukesberry.

Hey. What are you do..? No!

The worst has happened.

I'm covered in human faeces.

That's a good look for you. But for

health reasons, I should spray you off.

Smell you later, poopsicle.

You're a f ricking degenerate.

I know I am.

A little help, please.

Your tongues tickle.

They tickle.

You are right. That was gross.

Thumbelina, there's no kids playing.

Why'd you tell me to come?

I thought you could use a refresher

course on b-ball rules and regulations.

- You're nuts. I'm going to go pound a few.

- First of all, you booze, you lose.

And secondly, if you don't turn around...

Officer sherman over there'll know of

the infamous peanut brittle incident.

What's with the dunkin' munchkin?

His mom had to do a double shift so I'm

watching him till she can get here.

Now, both of you cop a squat next to me

and let's observe.

Take it! Take it!

Charging! Our ball.

See, that wasn't a charge.

It was actually blocking.

The defender didn't have both feet

planted in time.

Oh, really? Because I thought

that was high-sticking.

Don't encourage him, Benjamin. He's

just upset because he can't play no more.

Twenty years of drinking destroyed

the basketball lobe of his brain.

I can whup any of those clowns

out there even with you as my partner.

I'd like to see that.

I'd like to see that right now.

He was just kidding, fellas.

Whole lot of jibber jabber.

We got no beef with you guys.

Because if a midget and a drunk

can beat us, I'd eat my own jockstrap.

No, he don't play ball anymore.

I'll play. But if we win, you got to eat

that guy's jockstrap.

First to five wins. We're shirts.

Oh, boy. Does that mean we're skins?

I don't see any skin, monkey-man.

Just pass me the ball.

All right, fuzzy wuzzy.

All right, simmer down, Whitey.

Don't travel. Don't double dribble.

I want a good, clean game

and no back talk.

Orangutan, you're playing, not reffing.

He's right. Look for your opening

and take it.

There it is!

Now set yourself and shoot.

Oh, no.

Are you finally dead, old man?

I'll be over to feed the cats

in the morning...

Mrs. Addison.

Okay, he's useless.

One more thing.

Good kitty. Nice kitty.

Muffin boy, what's your real name?

Benjamin.

You're in. Let's go.

You're trading in the midget for a spaz?

This is going to be even sadder.

We'll see. Your ball.

Oops.

I'm not very good.

That's all right. Just try to stay

confident, and if I say shoot it, shoot it.

Game on.

He may be big, but he's ugly, Benny.

Good luck, chump.

- I'll take that.

- Hey!

Put it up.

Coming through!

That's all right, just keep your

elbow in. Now stick it, kid.

Yeah!

Looks like you better

start showing the spaz some respect.

Just keep playing.

Where am I going, baby?

Where am I going? Oh, snap. Oh, snap.

- Trap him.

- I'm on it.

It's all you, buddy.

I hope you all like your jockstraps

extra sweaty.

One. Two.

Three.

- You wanna win this or not?

- Yeah.

Well, then cover the nerd.

The saga continues.

Not this time, little man.

Hey, look what I still got.

Yeah, good coverage.

What a shot.

I call that the

top-of-the-key-eat-the-jockstrap shot.

Hold it now. Hold it now.

Where's it going now?

How's he doing that?

Oh, boy.

Put it up, Ben.

Got a piece!

Bam! Got a piece of my ass.

Shut up!

One more basket and it's chow time,

boys.

Let's bring it home.

You're my boy, Benny.

Whoa, little lverson.

- Double up on Stone!

- You got it!

Put it up, Benny.

What's happening?

- No!

- Oh, Benny!

You gotta be kidding me!

Yeah!

Now say what I told you to say.

Eat that nut-strap, b*tch!

Benjamin!

Don't ever use that kind of language

again. Do you hear me?

I'm sorry.

He's just having some fun.

Cursing and acting like a jerk may be

your idea of fun, but it won't be his.

One Davey Stone around here is enough.

My finger's in your mouth, kitty...

But I don't feel no teeth.

Let's go, Benjamin.

Why are you eating that?

You know, my mother doesn't like you

very much.

You know, I don't like me

very much either.

Nice playing with you, mini-Shaq.

Why was she looking at me like that?

How could they let that guy

work with kids?

Giving me those nasty eyes.

I was being nice to her kid.

They should have locked him up for good.

At least she was looking at me.

That felt all right.

Why can't he just be like he used to be?

It all seems so long ago

young and happy don't you know

down by the creek I would show

fireflies to that girl

but that was back when he was nice

before my warm heart turned to ice

my sister's wig once had lice

but that was long ago

the schoolyard's where we were

the first time I kissed her

he thought he got some tongue

but it was only retainer

Eleanor's bra is a trainer

well, over there's my family home

and the woods we used to roam

the only time I had sex was on the phone

but that was long ago

i carved our names upon that tree

i loved him and he loved me

my darling wife was once a he

but that was long ago

he'd always whisper in my ear

but then I started drinking beer

my jewels got licked by six frisky deer

now he's just a loner and a liar

and my trailer's caught on fire

fire?!

Oh, my God!

Be careful!

Maybe it's some kind of sign.

After all, Hanukkah is the festival

of lights.

I should stick you on a twig and roast

you.

Just get back in my car. You'll stay

with me and my sister for a while.

I ain't living with you buffoons.

What other options do you got,

Mr. rockefeller?

- Hello?

- Hi, is Ophelia there?

- Ophelia who?

- Ophelia hiney.

Oh, feel my hiney?

You hoodlums better bring my wig back!

I know it was you!

It's a home-invasion robbery!

Take whatever you want, but please

don't chop my legs off!

It's okay, Eleanor, it's okay.

Whitey, thank God you're here. We're

being robbed by a lunatic.

Mister, if you're going to kill us, take

off your wet shoes.

They're soaking the carpet.

Eleanor, that's Davey Stone, my new

partner.

The criminal?! Did he force you to

bring him here so he could molest you?

His home just went up in flames. So I

invited him to stay with us for a while.

Okay, but I'm making an inventory...

Of every single item in this house.

Fascinating.

Look! He already stole something.

He's hiding it in his jacket.

I didn't steal this.

It's a card my parents gave me.

So why don't you go stay with them?

They died.

My bad.

Here's to you guys for letting me

crash over.

Alcohol in our house?

This is never going to work.

It will. We just need to set some rules

so Davey knows how we do things here.

I'm scared.

Look. You gotta understand it's just

been me and Eleanor for 67 years...

So she gets nervous around

strangers.

I wouldn't show that picture to anyone...

Or they may try to take you two back

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