Eight Crazy Nights Page #4

to the laboratory.

Listen. We got rules in this house...

And you better follow them or you'll

find yourself out of here.

This might be harder than I thought.

If you're coming from the street

with dirty shoes on your feet

that's a technical foul

if you switch the radio to some

"modern" music show

that's a technical foul

if you don't shut the door

after using the 'frigerator

that's a technical foul

a technical foul

if you touch the thermostat

you'll get hit with a bat

'cause that's a technical foul

you will feel my wrath

- if your hair clogs the drain

- you'll know the meaning of pain

'cause that's a technical foul

I'll show you no mercy

ho! This is such bullshit

in this house we say "bullspit"

or it's a technical foul

a technical foul

let me get this straight. You expect me

to change my lifestyle in one night...

Because you guys are a couple of

psychotic control freaks?

- You got it, bub.

- Or you can go rot in the gutter.

- It's up to you, yankee doodle.

- I don't want to do that...

But let me run a few questions by you

so I don't screw up accidentally.

If I don't spray lysol

after moving a bowel?

That's a technical foul

if I decide to wash my ass

with your monogrammed towel?

- That's a technical foul

- please, say "hiney."

If I make fun of your crazy feeties

or give sugar cookies to miss diabetes

that's not only a technical foul

but possibly a homicide

can I sleep past 3?

If you do, you'll get a t

- take a whiz in those flowers?

- I'll say, "hit the showers"

- u se this horn as a bong?

- Adis, Tommy Chong

make some long-distance calls?

You'll get a kick in the balls

oops!

Can I walk around with

my morning erection?

If you want an automatic ejection

'cause that's a technical foul

but I'd like to see it anyway

just kidding.

There are certain rules

which apply in one's life

with your sister, friends

or imaginary wife

i can't believe I haven't killed myself

here with wigs McGee and the furry elf

they took my wig

i remember the look in their eyes

i guess I'll have to deal

with your demands

but please don't touch me

with your alien hands

i got no right to growl

the whistle, she's on the prowl

without my wig, I look like an owl

hoo! Hoo!

- Oh, my God.

- Don't laugh at her.

Or it's a technical foul

a technical foul

a technical foul

Davey will have to make the best of this.

- I guess I got to make the best of this.

- See. I told you.

But that shouldn't be too hard for him.

Even loners need company sometimes.

Shaving the chest.

Nobody needs a uni-brow.

This is going to scare her silly.

Yeah, it is.

Peanuts for me?

- Wish we were taller, Eleanor?

- I can't reach the cobwebs.

- Thank you, Davey.

- No problem, Eleanor.

Good one, Eleanor.

- Here you go.

- Thanks. Have a good day.

Good luck, old man.

Now I can understand wrapping

the cornmeal around the hot dog...

But why the heck would they shove

this stick in here?

I'm getting exhausted

trying to cut around it.

You're supposed to hold the stick

and just eat the corn dog off of it.

How futuristic.

Oh, my God.

Zip up or you'll catch a throat cold.

Thank you.

Hey, Benny!

Nice game against Saint Catherine's

today. How many buckets you score?

Fourteen.

You're gonna be league-high scorer, kid.

You just got to keep your elbows in.

That's my man.

Hey, you two, just doing circles.

Oopsy-doodle!

Yeah!

I haven't done that in a while.

Maybe I'm so excited about the banquet

tonight, it's giving me extra oomph.

You'll extra-oomph yourself right into

another seizure if you don't calm down.

He'll be all right. How'd you get

so good on the ice, anyways?

In the '50s I reffed youth hockey

for a couple of seasons.

Until a wrist shot caught him in the

back of the skull.

Nothing a little metal plate couldn't fix.

He was in a coma for three months.

I needed the rest anyway.

Could I get a lift from you, partner?

Sure.

So, Davey, did you play the hockey

when you were a child?

No, hockey players get up too early.

This guy's sport always was and always

will be basketball.

Back in '81...

He was the star of what is still

known to this very day...

As the jcc miracle game.

Oh, my.

The jcc was down by 24 points.

The bad news is we stand no chance

of winning this game.

The good news is it's Hanukkah,

so you'll all get presents tonight anyway.

Speaking of presents...

Our parents come to all our games

even though we always lose.

So I was thinking...

Maybe tonight we could try to win one

for them. You know, as a gift.

The only way that'll happen is if you

take all the shots.

Well, if you guys don't mind...

- It's okay with us.

- Go for it. You got it.

Let's win!

Where are your parents, anyways?

I don't know. Hopefully, out

getting me an atari.

All right, Davey!

- Come on!

- Let's go!

We'll take that.

Not today.

That kind of shooting makes me

want to do the robot dance.

Nice story. You can stop now.

No, no, go on. Whitey, I'm mesmerized.

Can we just go? I'm cold.

I want to hear what happens next.

It's like a fairy tale.

Unfortunately, this fairy tale

doesn't have a happy ending.

Davey was wondering

where his parents were.

Turns out they were on their way

to the ball game...

... When a truck hit a patch of black ice

and swerved into oncoming traffic.

Mr. and Mrs. Stone tragically

couldn't get out of the way in time.

I couldn't believe something

that horrible...

... Could happen to a kid that nice.

He walked right through that door

and into foster home after foster home...

... Until his 18th birthday.

Oh, my. You poor, poor boy.

What in heaven's name did you do?

Let's just get off of this.

He didn't know how to handle it.

What 12-year-old kid would?

He basically shut down.

Davey, I'm so sorry.

I don't know what to say.

There's nothing to say.

My parents are dead.

Happy Hanukkah.

Now, leave me alone.

That's the saddest story I've ever heard.

I'm out of here.

I don't need this sympathy crap.

Maybe it's time you stop running

from your emotions.

I'm not. I'm running from two crybabies...

Who won't shut up about something

that isn't their business.

You know, I read recently

in reader's digest...

That people who let themselves cry

when they're hurting...

Are often stronger than the people...

Who try to hold all their pain inside.

Did you read about a deformed referee

who spends 35 years...

Trying to win some stupid patch...

So he can pretend people

actually like him?!

Which month was that in?

Take that back.

If they have an award for the

freakiest looking fraternal twins...

Who no one even gives a crap about,

you two are definitely winning.

But that patch thing ain't ever

gonna happen for you...

Because the truth is, nobody

in this town even knows you exist!

You're an animal.

And you're bald!

Not again!

You're not welcome in my house.

Good, your house sucks!

Do you have to be nasty to everyone

who tries to help you?

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