Eight Crazy Nights Page #5

That's my problem.

He just a no-goodnik.

And I am the real kristi yamaguchi.

Wow. Just when you started to really

like Davey, he has a butthole relapse.

Hey, fellas.

You know, Eleanor really does

look like an owl.

Sorry.

Cheer up, Eleanor.

Let's just get ready for the banquet.

It doesn't hurt to smell nice. Does it,

fellas?

You're a good deer.

Let's try the red wig. And please,

don't crap on my carpet.

Well, while Whitey and Eleanor

are getting ready for the banquet...

... The moron is having a party of his own.

And when people get in the state

that Davey's in...

... They do really stupid things...

... Like go to a mall that's obviously

closed...

... To yell at a woman who's obviously

not there.

Shut up!

Jennifer!

Jennifer!

What's the matter with the way I live

my life? Huh, Jennifer?!

Where are you?! Home reading

your baby boy a bedtime story...

While he sucks his thumb

and goes pee-pee on his blanket?!

Horseshit!

Look who finally showed up.

We've been waiting for you all night.

Who said that?

I said that. Everybody wake up!

This is not a rehearsal.

Numb-nuts is here.

Roger on that. Over.

Let's do this, people.

Just let me put my teeth in.

How do you like your java?

With a shot of whiskey.

Let's try it black instead.

That burns!

Wake up, kids.

Our hot and sour friend is here.

We're coming!

It's about time you got here.

I've been tossing and turning.

I know. I was watching you.

I mean, me too.

What the heck is happening right now?

Something that should have happened

20 years ago.

Time to cry, Davey. Over.

What? Get out of here. I'm leaving.

You can run from Whitey,

but you ain't gonna run from us.

We all heard what happened

at the skating rink today

when Whitey brought up your sad past

you snapped and walked away

well, maybe they're onto something

that you should give a try

go ahead and let it out

and have yourself a cry

let it out, Davey

shut your wooden mugs

let it out, Davey

would you check out her bezugs

you want me to deal with pain

well, "cheers" is what I say

this here stuff just numbs the pain

it don't make it go away

you try to act so tough

but you just live a lie

why don't you show your feminine side

and have yourself a cry

let it out, Davey

I'll pour you down the sink

you gotta do it, Davey

y'all can bite my dink

you labels and logos are wasting

your time making me sit here

'cause nothing you can say or do

will make me shed a tear

he possesses a strong spirit

and won't let down his guard

so now we'll bring in the big gun

his beautiful Hanukkah card

take it, Davey. It might have money in it.

Over.

Happy Hanukkah to our wonderful son

you fill our lives

with joy

don't ever change

the way you are

you beautiful

twelve-year-old

boy

breaking and entering.

I knew you'd screw up eventually, Stone.

- I'm sorry.

- Save your sorries for the judge.

This is embarrassing.

- Come on, guys.

- Okay, sweetheart.

Don't be sad, mom. I can be your date.

You should let me be your date.

I may be dirty and smelly,

but in the dark, I'm just smelly.

Well, thank you, but he asked first.

Oh, my God. Slow down.

Come on. I'm scared.

Hey, why are we stopped now?

What are you doing? What's going on?

Who's out there?

Do we need to call the police?

Don't worry, Eleanor. I promise

you'll have a good time.

All right, brother. Let's go win this thing.

You look like Audrey hepburn if she was

four feet and weighed 300 pounds.

Thank you.

Watch the ice, Eleanor. Don't slip.

It's all good, Whitey.

Eleanor Duval? Is that you?

Why do you want to know?

What can we do you for, bub?

I've been waiting to see your sister

for many years.

Are you the kid who stole my wig?

Yes, I'm Eli wolstan...

And I've always felt bad about being

so thoughtless when I was young.

So I wanted to return this to you.

Thank you.

Feel better?

One more thing.

Now I feel better.

At least this one make me look pretty.

Attention all officers.

Davey Stone is on the loose.

Last bus to New York City now boarding.

Whitey, they were giving out lobster

bibs in the bathroom.

That's not a lobster bib, Eleanor.

That's a germ protector for your tushy.

Okay. Well, I'll use it here.

My hiney is germfree and I love it.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm mayor stuey duhy.

I'd like to welcome you to the

35th annual...

Youth league basketball

all-star banquet.

For those of you celebrating Christmas

tomorrow, merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

For those of you celebrating

the eighth night of Hanukkah...

Happy Hanukkah.

Happy Hanukkah.

Going to the big apple, son?

Yeah.

Business or pleasure?

Freedom.

I see. You're one of them

hippie-dippy fellas.

Everyone knows I like to start

these events with a joke.

But I've been so busy at the hardware

store this year...

I've had no time to think of a great

one. But I thought of this driving here:

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

- Don't you.

- Don't you, who?

Don't you wish I hadn't been so busy

at the hardware store...

And had more time to think

of a great one?

Mom, I didn't get that one.

I don't think anybody did.

People just try to be nice to the mayor.

It's gonna be a good night. Let's get to it.

The award for most impressive growth

goes to a kid who began at 4-foot-2.

He is now about to take the stage

at his current height of 6-foot-5.

Donald Hardy!

Get up here, you beanpole.

Saint lgnatius is number one!

Hopefully that young man's getting

a weed whacker for Christmas.

The mayor is very funny.

Look at Davey, inches

from a clean getaway.

But there's some things you

just aren't meant to get away from.

What the hey?

Whoa! Whoa! Hang in there, Betsy!

We'll make it! Whoa!

Nice driving skills, pal.

That's the strangest thing I've ever seen.

One thumbtack popped all eight

of my back tires.

Okay. I see what you're doing.

Who you talking to? Having one of

them hippie-dippy mushroom flashbacks?

I need to go apologize to someone

before I leave.

I know you hippies don't wear watches,

but it should be fixed in 30 minutes.

I'll see you then.

Run, hippie! Run!

I'm just here to say I'm sorry

to the little guy. I swear.

If I give myself a wedgie

will you believe me then?

Okay?

Glad we could work that out.

I can't believe I'm in the same room

as the mayor.

I can't believe how many rolls

you put in your purse.

It'll be a nice snack for February.

Ladies and gentlemen, this next award,

the dukesberry all-star patch...

Was created 35 years ago to recognize

people for their tireless work ethic...

Their unparalleled generosity...

And their passion and dedication to

both the league and our fine community.

Your hands are sopping wet.

Don't be so nervous, Whitey.

I'm not nervous. I'm excited.

I've been waiting 35 years

for this night.

- You see something?

- Just some deer doing a pyramid.

Okay, well, let's keep looking.

Good job, fellas.

Hand-picked by you,

the people of our fine town...

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