Eight Crazy Nights Page #6

I now present the 35th annual...

Dukesberry all-star patch award...

To...

Please let there be a miracle.

Tom baltezor.

Tom, come up here and get this sucker.

Attaboy, Tommy!

We love you, Tommy!

Nobody in this town even knows

you exist!

All you people can bite

my germfree Booty!

Looks like I better do a lot more than

apologize. See you in 10 years, fellas.

When I was a kid playing youth

league ball for Palmer episcopal...

I dreamed of two things:

Learning to make a lay-up with my left

hand and becoming a multi-billionaire.

I think you all know which dream

came true.

Wow!

Sorry! That one caught me by surprise.

And even though I don't recall scoring a

point during my four seasons of play...

The memories of the fun times

I did have...

Made it very easy for me to purchase

the new digital scoreboard...

For the community centre

earlier this year.

Thanks for the recognition.

- Thanks for the scoreboard!

- Thank you, Tommy!

Excuse me! Can I just say something?

- There he is!

- Stone, what are you doing here?

Getting himself arrested, mayor duhy.

He broke into the mall.

I love it! Your ass busted!

Now you go to jail

and marry big, smelly man.

Stone, you screwed up for the last time.

That 10-year sentence I promised you

starts tonight.

Please, just let me speak for one second.

Are those tears in his eyes?

Finally.

Let the guy talk!

After all, it is the holidays.

She's right. And then we'll

send him up the river.

Okay, Mrs. triple nipple...

I mean, Mrs. selman.

Go ahead, Mr. Stone. Let's hear

your parting words of wisdom.

I know you people don't like me or

care about my opinion, but here goes.

Tommy, nothing personal, but Whitey

should have won the patch tonight.

You're all crazy for not realizing that.

Why would we give Whitey Duval the

patch? So he could use it as a blanket?

That's the reaction I thought I'd get.

Everyone in this room has been

associated with Whitey

through basketball or the mall

or various odd jobs he does around

town for free or at most a dollar

and I'm guessing 99% of you have

either laughed in Whitey's face

or ruthlessly made fun of his feet or

voice or sister or shortness

when he wasn't looking

but the next time you'd see him, he'd go

out of his way to smile and wave at you

and ask about your mother's operation

because he, unlike us, actually

cares about someone other than himself

the reason I bring this up to you

is because I was the worst offender

of all

my life was simply going nowhere

then a tiny, little man

rushed to my side

he should've gotten a big thank-you

instead he got a port-a-potty ride

i was such a shithead

but he never quit on me

till I told him he was useless

and his sister was freaky

once when we were watching

Sunday football

a fuzzy screen was all that

we could see

Whitey came over with a hanger

and spent the game on top of our tv

and when the lightning struck him

he let out a wicked-loud yell

but we just turned up the volume

and ignored the burning smell

we should all rot in hell

i went to high school with Whitey

as a joke I told him to meet me

at the prom

when he got there I said, "I can't

believe you thought I was serious"

so he ran home crying and slow-danced

with his mom

what a crushing blow to Whitey

i bet you wish you could take it back

how could you all be so mean to Whitey?

Sound to me like you are all on crack

huh?

Tonight Whitey was counting on this town

to show that we care

but the first time he really needed us

we weren't there

and on Christmas Eve

and the last night of Hanukkah

it's just not fair

i wonder if that guy

ever wiped his ass with

the wrong hand

yes.

I'm so sorry they hurt you, Whitey.

We should go to the mall.

That place always makes me feel better.

But it's closed.

Maybe the night guard

forgot to lock the door again.

Well, if he didn't, we can at

least sit in front of it.

These are desperate times.

Let the door be open.

Please, just give me that.

Thank God.

This is the most beautiful place

I've ever seen.

It's like a sanctuary.

Eleanor, could you just give me a

second to say a few words in private?

Take as much time as you need, Whitey.

Hey, mall, long time no see.

Fourteen hours to be exact.

If you haven't heard by now...

I didn't get that patch I've been

telling you about for all these years.

In fact, I've been kind of kidding myself...

To even think I was in the running.

You see...

The people of dukesberry...

Think I'm nothing but a joke.

So I was kind of thinking...

Maybe I should move to a town

where nobody knows who I am.

At least then they'd have a

reason not to acknowledge me.

I think Eleanor might like Florida...

And I hear they got some pretty

amazing malls there.

You're not going anywhere.

Holy sh*t, did the mall

just say something?

No, it was me.

What do you want, Stone?

I came to apologize, Whitey.

Well, there's nothing to apologize for,

Stone, because you were right.

Nobody does care about me.

I don't think that's true.

Do you, Mr. mayor?

Whitey, tonight for the first time

in years...

Your partner, Davey Stone, actually

did a good thing for this community.

What he do, steal beer for everyone?

No. He made me see how great Whitey

is and how neglectful we've all been.

That's why I'm here, Whitey.

I'm here to fix a big mistake.

It's your moment, Whitey

you've waited oh, so long

it's your moment, Whitey

we're here to right our wrong

for service to the league and this

community, I proudly present to you...

The 35th annual dukesberry

all-star patch.

But this is tom's.

Mr. Duval, the 35th all-star

patch is now where it belongs.

I can't believe this is happening.

And the 34th!

And the 33rd!

And the 32nd, and the 31st, and the 30th!

- 29th!

- And the 16th!

- And the 28th!

- And the 23rd!

And the 27th!

- Oh, Whitey.

- And the 11th!

- And the 25th!

- And the 18th!

We love you, Whitey!

You stepped up for me, Stone.

I don't know if I could ever repay you.

Well, you can help me with my dream.

You got a dream? What is it?

To have someone wish me

a happy Hanukkah...

And feel as good as I used to

when my dad would say it to me.

Happy Hanukkah, Stone.

Merry Christmas, Whitey.

You know, Stone, if my imaginary wife

and I ever have a son...

I hope you consider him a brother.

Thanks, Whitey. And I'll pretend

I never heard you say that.

Appreciate it.

It's your moment, Whitey

- enjoy, our tiny friend

- thank you. Thank you.

Like the bavarian cream-filled donut

you ate last week

thank you. Thank you.

Would you three show Whitey and I...

How to light the Hanukkah candles

at our house tonight?

You up for that, pal?

And when Benjamin falls asleep...

The both of you can play

spin the dreidel for tongue kisses.

Sounds good to me.

Now, go live happily ever after or I'll

dropkick the teeth out of your mouth.

That won't be necessary.

They make a nice couple.

I never

want this to end

Rate this script:4.7 / 3 votes