Electra Woman and Dyna Girl

---

Man 1:
Stop.Please,please. [GRUNTING]

Man 2:
(Beats up Man 1)

MAJOR VAUNT:
Looks like you just punched your ticket out of here

Man 2:
Major Vaunt.

MAJOR VAUNT:
[Vaporizes Man 2]

Man 1:
Thanks, Major Vaunt

MAJOR VAUNT:
Don’t just thank me, thank ENRG Power Drink.

MAN [OVER TV]:
ENRG Power Drink does not recommend

LORI:
Wow

JUDE:
I agree, The amount of sweat a panty liner can hold is miraculous

LORI:
Major Vaunt is the new face of ENRG Power Drink. What a sellout. Ever tasted that stuff?

JUDE:
My own sweat? You know it’s not something I really talk about publicly, but…

LORI:
I’m talking about the power drink. [CHUCKLES] It’s disgusting. IT tastes like burnt hair

BERNICE:
Hey, losers

LORI:
Leave us alone, Bernice

BERNICE:
It smells like failed dreams in here.

LORI:
And now it smells like dried tears and Tumblr.

BERNICE:
Shouldn't you be off somewhere supposedly being superheroes?

LORI:
Shouldn't you be off somewhere tempting someone with an apple?

[STATIC AND MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

JUDE:
It's been a slow day. What's up?

BERNICE:
Tenth graders have to do stupid career week reports for stupid business economics.And since my parents are no longer breathing and my foster parents would list their current occupation as government teat suckers,I have come to interview you two losers for my report.

LORI:
That's got peanut butter in it.So unless you have your EPI handy, I'd drop it.Oh, you know what, on second thought,eat all of them.

BERNICE:
Are you on Snapchat? Because you're a huge dick.

LORI:
I don't get that, but I know I should be mad.

BERNICE:
It's because you're old.

JUDE:
Hmm.

LORI:
What are you hmming about?

JUDE:
They're talking about Starletta on Megaline.com.

LORI:
What?

JUDE:
Yeah. Whoa.

LORI:
"Midwest indie super-darling Starletta receives key to city within hours of signing

"with major Los Angeles superhero agency CMM Creative Masked Management."

JUDE:
I mean, that's not really a big deal, you know.

LORI:
Stop.

JUDE:
Yeah, I can see that this gets you upset.

LORI:
I just wanna finish reading this.

JUDE:
I don't think you need to read this.

BERNICE:
They're just signing anyone now, aren't they?

LORI:
I'm sure you get tired of being asked this all the time at home, but why are you still here?

BERNICE:
You do realize you two are the saddest excuses for superheroes there are, right? I mean, you guys don't even have superpowers.What kind of superhero doesn't have superpowers?

LORI:
I wish your dad just put you in a tissue.

JUDE:
Okay, listen, young, impressionable Bernice. You don't need superpowers to be a superhero.

LORI:
No.

BERNICE:
A superhero without superpowers is super pathetic.

JUDE:
I appreciate your wordplay, but some of the heroes in the Shadow WaR didn't have superpowers.

LORI:
Exactly.

BERNICE:
Shadow War?

LORI:
Oh, sweet mother of Busey, how do you not know about the Shadow War? What are they teaching you in school?

BERNICE:
Aah.Sorry, they teach me important things.

LORI:
Oh, my God.

JUDE:
The Shadow War was the ultimate battle between superheroes and super villains. Legendary heroes lost their lives to protect innocent civilians like you.

LORI:
Like you.

JUDE:
And after years of warfare, the heroes triumphed and managed to rid the entire world of super villains.

LORI:
Yes.

JUDE:
It's a pretty important thing.

LORI:
It's a very important thing, Bernice.

JUDE:
It's a very important thing.

BERNICE:
I get it. So losing all of the super villains is what downgraded superheroes to be nothing more but glorified mall cops.

[GASPS]

BERNICE:
Tsk. Cool.

LORI:
Listen to me very carefully, Bernice. I would never, never hit a kid. But I will aggressively punch this tasteful throw pillow imagining that it's your face.

BERNICE:
Tasteful is a stretch.

LORI:
Oh, my God!

JUDE:
Okay, come on Bernice. Go home.

BERNICE:
What about my report?

JUDE:
Maybe you should do your report on the Shadow War. They say those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it.

BERNICE:
You know what they say about repeating outfits.

JUDE:
Okay, thank you. Bye-bye.I think we need to invest in a lock.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

LORI:
B*obs.

JUDE:
What?

LORI:
I'm just--I've been thinking about how Starletta always has her b*obs out.

JUDE:
I, too, sometimes think about that.

LORI:
I'm frustrated because she gets the attention that we should be getting. Is it because of her b*obs? It's not. I know it's not. She's probably very nice. B*obs don't save lives, we save lives. We've saved lives. We've saved lives for years. We protect innocent people, and no one seems to notice us.

JUDE:
I'm sure people notice us. We wear very flamboyant costumes.

LORI:
Argh.

JUDE:
Okay, all right. Well, It sounds to me like somebody has a dangerous combination of low self-esteem and low blood sugar. Make a pit stop. I'll get you a slushy.

LORI:
I'm gonna put Fritos in mine.

JUDE:
And I will silently gag to myself.

LORI:
Thank you.

JUDE:
You're welcome. But also I've gotta admit that Starletta is gorgeous.

LORI:
Blecch.

JUDE:
She sucks.

LORI:
Yeah, she sucks a di--

JUDE:
What?

LORI:
I didn't say anything.

JUDE:
Okay:Megaline.com should be reporting on us, because we do great work, but they don't. It's not the end of the world.

LORI:
We're treated like we're not superheroes.

JUDE:
Are you seriously taking what Bernice said to heart? She's just a baby.

LENNY:
Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.

JUDE:
Hey, Lenny.

LENNY:
How are my favorite superheroes doing?

LORI:
Best day of my whole life, Lenny.

JUDE:
That's a bit of an exaggeration.

LORI:
Look, she has a point. We don't have powers. What makes us superheroes?

JUDE:
Some of our biggest heroes were super without having powers.

LORI:
A million years ago.

JUDE:
Oh, my God. There is so much more to being a superhero than having powers and you know that. And, as you mentioned, we've done a damn good job keeping this town safe. You should be proud.

MAN:
Give me all the money in the register. Put it in the bag. Now!

MAN 2:
Throw us some Slim Jims in there too. I wanna get my snap on.

MAN:
Yeah.

JUDE:
Well, hello, gentlemen. I see you've met our friend Lenny.

LORI:
Hey, hey, hey, you stop recording, I'm gonna shove that phone so deep inside you, you're gonna have to do Kegels to answer it. I've never done Kegels, but I've heard things.Weird things.

[♪♪♪]

MAN 2:
You wanna get shot? Back off.

MAN:
Yeah.

LORI:
Oh, sweet. Butterfly knife, bro.

[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

[WHIMPERS]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

MAN 2:
Oh! Is it bad?

MAN:
Oh, yeah, it's bad.

[GASPING]

[JUDE GRUNTING]

LORI:
You said you fixed the ElectraSuction.

JUDE:
It's called the DynaSuction.

LORI:
Do I need to remind you of the Risk game I won? I got to name it. ElectraSuction.

JUDE:
Doesn't count as winning just because you threatened to puke on the board.

LORI:
I had bad chicken marsala.

JUDE:
Oh, my God. Well, at least I did disarm him.

LORI:
You're holding a human arm.

JUDE:
I'm holding a human arm.

LORI:
You guys look great. And now I'm gonna upload this video so your friends can see what you've been up to. Just a couple of dum-dums getting their buttholes kicked by two ladies in unforgiving spandex. You wanna add anything?

JUDE:
Oh, yeah, yeah, don't film vertically. Oh. There you go. It just looks worse.

LORI:
I get it.

JUDE:
Yeah.

LORI:
Do your thing, boys. One that got the whompa treatment might need a Band-Aid.

JUDE:
Also get a mop.

LORI:
Bye, Lenny.

JUDE:
Lori. Lori.

LORI:
What?

JUDE:
Tell your stupid phone to shut up.

LORI:
But I don't want to make the apple pies, President Taft.

JUDE:
Lori.

LORI:
What? Okay.

JUDE:
So today was good times, yeah?

LORI:
It was good. But we've gotta get our stuff together, Jude. Can't keep working with shoddy gear.

JUDE:
I'm doing the best I can with the resources we got. We can barely afford--

LORI:
Holy sh*t.

JUDE:
What? Are there spiders?

LORI:
Holy sh*t.

JUDE:
How many spiders?

LORI:
CMM wants us to come in for a meeting in Hollywood.

JUDE:
So it's not spiders.

LORI:
An agent saw the video of us taking down the guys at Lenny's.

JUDE:
What?

LORI:
Apparently some other people have also seen the video.

JUDE:
Over a million views? How is this possible?

LORI:
Because the Internet is terrible and wonderful. Jude, CMM.

[♪♪♪]

JUDE:
Hmm.

LORI:
What? No. No hmm.

JUDE:
Oh, I'm hmming all right. I don't know. I mean, I don't wanna sell out.

LORI:
Whoa. This is not about selling out. We've been saying we wanna be more successful.

JUDE:
We didn't get into this to make money. We did it to make a difference.

LORI:
Yes, but unfortunately we can barely pay our rent, so we need the money. Out there we can make a difference and make some cheddar. Jude, imagine this scenario. We don't have to scrape by. We take a real chance. An opportunity to make a bigger difference than we can in Ohio. It's the moment we've been waiting for. And we have been waiting a very long time.

JUDE:
You promise we won't change in any conceivable way?

LORI:
I promise that we will not go on two divergent character journeys if that's what you're afraid of.

JUDE:
Thank you.

LORI:
Electra Woman and Dyna Girl are going to Hollywood.

LORI [OVER PHONE]: Electra Woman and Dyna Girl....

JUDE:
Why would you send me that?

LORI:
I thought I was Snapchatting. Goddamn it.

[♪♪♪]

LORI:
Wow.

JUDE:
Okay, so we're not agreeing to anything today, right? We'll hear him out, shake his hand, say thank you, leave and talk it over. No rash decisions. If they try and change us, we're out of there.

LORI:
Dyna, we're a classic. No change needed.

JUDE:
Okay. Holy sh*t. That's Mister Fabulous.

LORI:
Be cool.

WOMAN:
Hello.

LORI:
Hello. We are Electra Woman and Dyna Girl here to see Dan Dixon.

WOMAN:
Electra Woman and Dyna Girl here to see you. Please have a seat. He'll be right with you.

LORI:
I can't tell if his attractiveness is making me anxious or if the burrito isn't sitting right.

JUDE:
You can't do that much cheese.

LORI:
I think it's more than that at this point. Tell me if this is weird. Last week I had some bagel bites and like 20 minutes later…

[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]

LORI:
I had to use so many towels.

JUDE:
I feel so bad for that cat.

SONIC HEARING MAN: Neat trick.

MAN:
Thanks. You got a power?

SONIC HEARING MAN: Superhuman hearing.

MAN:
Hmm.

SONIC HEARING MAN:Yeah.

LORI:
I am so sorry.

SONIC HEARING MAN: You've gotta get that checked out.

MAN:
Electra Woman and Dyna Girl, Dan's ready for you.

LORI:
Thank God. You should wear a sign.

DAN:
There they are. Electric Girl and Dyna Woman.

JUDE:
Actually, you mixed it up.

DAN:
Please, come on, sit. Heard you guys decided to drive out here. We could have flown you out.

LORI:
We didn't wanna leave the Electra Car. Part of the whole thing we got going.

DAN:
Electra Car, yes. Saw a picture of it. Looks like a real piece of sh*t. Part of its charm, though, right. Love it, might need an update. Let's put a pin in that. Tiger jerky?

[♪♪♪]

DAN:
You a fan?

LORI:
Oh. Uh...

DAN:
When I discovered Major Vaunt he was working part-time at Hot Topic. Two months later he had three national ad campaigns. Four months after that,five New York Times bestsellers. He is one of the biggest personalities in the entire world.

LORI:
So he's the biggest superhero around and it's all because of you?

DAN:
And I'm gonna do the same for you. Girls, I love everything about you. I don't wanna change a thing. Not a single thing. But I do want to enhance some things. So I'm gonna throw a lot at you, see what sticks. Doesn't all have to, but most of it does. Let's talk about the logos.

JUDE:
Oh, I designed them.

DAN:
Of course. You've got moxie. I love moxie. I love moxie more than my mother. Rest in peace

JUDE:
Oh, I'm so sorry.

DAN:
She's alive. Just dead to me. Spoiler alert, never delete sh*t from my TiVo. Everything is there for a reason. Everything. So the logos, they've gotta go. Let's talk about back-story. Um...Are all your parents alive?

BOTH:
Yes.

[GROANS]

DAN:
That's a shame. I mean, it's great, of course, but a shame really. The public, they love a tragic back-story. Like someone close to you was killed and Electra Woman swore a sacred vow.

JUDE:
Yeah, but that's just not what happened.

DAN:
I say we say your parents were gunned down in Little Tokyo in the middle of a gang war.

JUDE:
Wait, we're not considering a fake back-story.

DAN:
It's not fake. It's just not real.

LORI:
Like Santa.

DAN:
Kevin, remind me.

KEVIN:
You're crushing it.

[SIGHS]

JUDE:
But the Internet, people can use that to fact-check.

DAN:
Heh. The Internet. This one busting my chops over there. I love it.

[CHUCKLES]

DAN:
I love it. I love the fire. No? Okay. Mm. It's getting hot in here.

[INHALES DEEPLY THEN EXHALES AUDIBLY]

DAN:
I feel the heat. I love the heat I'm burning up. You feel the heat? Let's take a walk.

JUDE:
Okay.

DAN:
How about those gadgets of yours. I love that suction cuppy thing.

JUDE:
Thanks. It's the DynaSuction.

DAN:
Hilarious. When the guys arm popped off, I laughed so hard I spit out my white strips.And the public loved it. This time. Next time might not go so well.Let's ease up on the limb removal. Our team's working on your new gear.

JUDE:
Wait. But I make our gear.

DAN:
That's precious.

JUDE:
Dan, I love the enthusiasm, but I don't think this is right for us. We're more a DIY, streamlined operation. Right, Electra Woman?

LORI:
Was that Captain Rhinestone?

DAN:
Yeah. Look, girls, the last thing I would ever ask you to do is compromise your integrity. No, no, no. But superheroes that do not brand themselves properly fade away. You wanna be like Galacto Commando or Mirth Man? Where are they now? Nobody knows.

JUDE:
Actually I read Mirth Man is doing some really positive work in the Sudan.

DAN:
Okay, look, I'll admit, I have no idea where the Sudan is, but frankly no one does.

LORI:
It's true. I have no idea.

DAN:
Ready to see your new toys?

[♪♪♪]

DAN:
This is where the magic happens. Electra Woman, Dyna Girl, meet our chief of Research and Development, Frank Heflin.

FRANK:
Hello, I am Frank.

LORI:
Hey, Frank. Nice to meet you. Electra Woman

JUDE:
.Hi, I'm Dyna Girl. Fancy lab. What's that? World's largest Google search?

FRANK:
Actually, it's the world's only CrimeScope. It's the most powerful analytic crime-fighting device known to man.

DAN:
Frank, enough with the nerd words. Let's go. Come on, show them their new suits.

JUDE:
New suits?

[♪♪♪]

FRANK:
The suits are made from an indestructible flex mesh and a reinforced lightweight tactical armor.

JUDE:
I mean, I've gotta admit, these are great but it would've been nice to keep a little more of the original look to it.

DAN:
Only part of the original we need is your beautiful lady-heads popping out of those neck holes. Frank, finish up here. Girls, you're gonna love what he has next. Dixon. [ON PHONE] I'm sorry, what do you mean Major Vaunt is not gonna take the deal?He wants more money. Look, I have news for him. There is no other better deal coming his way He used to be. Look, you-- You tell that thundering cockalorum he's being a major pain in my ass. And if he wants to pay for his implants he's gonna take this goddamn deal.

FRANK:
I present to you the ElectraCom. With these devices, you'll be able to communicate with each other anywhere in the world via video, audio or by writing a message to each other.

JUDE:
That sounds like a cell phone.

FRANK:
Well, it also shoots the powerful electric blast through a proprietary system that reacts to muscle contractions and neural signals from your brain down to the nerves in your wrist.

LORI:
That doesn't sound like a cell phone.

JUDE:
What are they building over there?

FRANK:
That's not ready yet.

DAN:
Okay, Frankie, that is enough for today. We have to keep this train moving. You're not getting younger. You're not getting superer. You came out here to play ball, not sit on the bench.

JUDE:
We've gotta think about it.

DAN:
Great. Let me leave you with these parting words. A great man once said there are no second chances in life. No second chances.

JUDE:
Who said that?

DAN:
Nick Matteofrom the classic Kazaam. Great film. Seen it? I'll get you a copy.

LORI:
We're in.

JUDE:
What? Because of Kazaam?

DAN:
Great news. We are gonna do amazing things. Amazing things. Kevin, remind me.

KEVIN:
You're crushing it.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

LORI:
So you wanna go see the Hollywood sign? Maybe drive to the beach? Maybe stop pretending that I don't know that you're mad at me?

JUDE:
I'm fine. I'm not mad.

LORI:
And I haven't been holding in farts for an hour. Are you mad because I signed with CMM?

JUDE:
Maybe.

LORI:
I agreed because you overthink everything. It would've taken you weeks if not months to make a decision.

JUDE:
That's not true.

LORI:
Okay. Tell me how long it took to decide to join the softball team? Was it all of middle school? And did you quit after the very first game, freshman year?

JUDE:
The cleats hurt my arches.

LORI:
I'm just trying to save us time. And I could tell that you were excited, the second you saw that gear. This is good for us. We're gonna be real heroes.

JUDE:
First of all, we are real heroes. Second of all, that gear was pretty sweet.

LORI:
Yes, it was. That's the positive attitude that I need.

[SIGHS]

LORI:
Where the hell did that valet park our car?

♪ Stick with your friends Stick with them till the end ♪

♪ Tell them How you feel about them... ♪

LORI:
Aah!

JUDE:
What are you doing?

LORI:
Good morning.

JUDE:
What the hell is this?

LORI:
What? I'm getting rid of all our old junky gear.

JUDE:
I mean, we could've just like put in a box and saved it, right?

LORI:
Why? We are never going to use this now that we've got these.

JUDE:
I guess not.

[ELECTRACOM BEEPING]

LORI:
Oh. Dan's calling.

DAN:
How are my two favorite super babes? I got you your first gig and it's big.

LORI:
That was fast.

DAN:
No rest for the wicked. You are going to be on Good Day USA with Connie Westerthine and the eight million idiots that watch it.

[SHRIEKS]

DAN:
We are giving them the exclusive premiere of the ElectraComs, and they're paying a pretty penny for it so get yourselves together, girls. You've got two hours.

LORI:
This is so exciting.

JUDE:
Yeah, I guess.

LORI:
You have to admit that this is at least a little bit exciting.

JUDE:
It's not the worst thing in the entire universe.

LORI:
I'll take it.

JUDE:
Super.

[♪♪♪]

[CAR DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE]

LORI:
Have no fear, Los Angeles. Your city just got a whole lot safer.

JUDE:
Because Electra Woman and Dyna Girl have arrived.

LORI:
That felt good.

JUDE:
That felt really good.

LORI:
Good warm-up.

JUDE:
Next time in front of humans?

LORI:
In front of humans.

JUDE:
Okay.

LORI:
Okay Let's do it.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

CONNIE:
Hello and welcome back. I'm Connie Westerthine, and in the studio today we have a very special treat. They have exploded on the super scene and have quickly become America's newest obsession. Electra Woman and her sidekick, Dyna Girl. Welcome, ladies. Thank you so much for being here.

LORI:
Thank you for having us.

JUDE:
Thanks.

CONNIE:
Well, let's just jump right into it, shall we? I understand that we have an exclusive premiere from you today?

LORI:
Yes. Today we are premiering the ElectraComs. These are the bad boys we will be using to keep all of you safe.

CONNIE:
And what exactly do those ElectraComs do?

[SCREAMING AND INDISTINCT YELLING]

CONNIE:
We have an emergency that is happening right now outside of our studio.

[♪♪♪]

MAN:
Time to move. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

LEADER:
Hold on, boys. Let me take care of these two before we get out of here.

JUDE:
No, what are we gonna do?

LORI:
I don't know.

[WHIRRING]

[MAN GRUNTS]

MAN 1:
Ugh!

MAN 2:
Whoa, holy sh*t! Alright, guys, take them out!

[GUNS COCKING]

LORI:
That's a lot of guns. Not sure this is a fair fight.

[WHIRRING]

[MEN SCREAMING]

[ALL GROANING]

LORI:
Good job tiny wrist things.

LORI:
Uh-oh.

JUDE:
Well, let's make this look cool.

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

[JUDE WHOOPING]

[LORI CHUCKLING]

MAN:
Who are you two?

LORI:
Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.

JUDE:
That's right!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

JUDE:
Oh, my God.

LORI:
No time for a victory dance.

JUDE:
Oh, my God. We just kicked their butts.

♪ Boom, boom Now shake ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom We're gonna make ♪

JUDE:
Wow. Look at that. You so fancy.

LORI:
I saw it on television.

JUDE:
That's really good dancing.

LORI:
Yeah.

[ELECTRACOM BEEPING]

LORI:
Ooh. Dan, did you see us on TV?

DAN:
I saw you on my TV, my computer, my phone. You girls are everywhere, you're crushing it. But please, do me a favor, never, ever do that victory dance again. That was painful to watch. Nonetheless, everybody loves you. Dyna Diva says, "You girls are an inspiration." "Electra for life," says Squad Goals. "I hate EW and DG," says losers. You can't win them all. Guess what? CMM is throwing a party tonight to celebrate the both of you. I want you to meet clients, schmooze, but stay off the dance floor.

MAN:
I just took out a loan to pay for some new gear. I can barely pay my rent.

MAN 2:
I know it seems far away, but you've got to think about your future. What's your 401(k) looking like?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

DAN:
Jack, Jack, hey, hey, Jack?

JACK:
And that's why I'll never win an Oscar.

DAN:
Mr. Jones, can you excuse us?

JACK:
Hey, Dan.

DAN:
You are still top five. I love that guy. I want you to meet the fantastic Electra Woman.

JACK:
Hey.

LORI:
Hi.

DAN:
Jack runs a campaign for ENRG Power Drink, the most coveted campaign for all superheroes. You are no one until Jackie boy makes you someone.

LORI:
It's nice to meet you.

JACK:
Yeah, I know. Ooh.

JUDE:
Hi, I'm Dyna Girl. Okay, cool, fun. Here you go, okay.

DAN:
Hey! Listen up, listen up. I want to thank you all for coming, but of course you are here because there's free booze you degenerates.

[ALL LAUGHING]

DAN:
But the real reason we are here tonight is to celebrate the new girls in town and their first big save. So let's show some love to Electra Woman and her sidekick, Dyna Girl.

[ALL CHEERING]

MAJOR VAUNTMake way for the Major.

DAN:
Always with the grand entrance.

MAJOR VAUNT:
You know it. So, what's this all about?

DAN:
It's a celebration of all things Vaunt.

MAJOR VAUNT:
As it should be.

DAN:
No, it shouldn't. You haven't done sh*t to warrant a party. We're celebrating the new girl in town and her sidekick. Meet Electra Woman.

MAJOR VAUNT:
I don't have a pen on me right now, so...

LORI:
Oh. I actually don't want an autograph.

MAJOR VAUNT:
Oh. Well, I don't normally do this at parties, but I guess I could take a photo with you. Phone?

JUDE:
I'm gonna go sit down.

LORI:
That's okay. You know, me and Dyna, we're the ones that took down that big robbery today.

MAJOR VAUNT:
Yeah? I think I heard about that. You two got lucky.

LORI:
We did, huh?

MAJOR VANUT:
Yeah, lucky those guys were a bunch of amateurs. If you had to face the scumbags I have, you would've gotten pounded.

LORI:
Oh, and I'm sure you could take a pounding way better than I could.

MAJOR VAUNT:
Oh, I can take a pounding like you wouldn't believe.

LORI:
Okay. Nice to meet you.

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

WINGMAN:
What's up?

JUDE:
Hey.

WINGMAN:
You're Electra Woman's sidekick, Dyna Girl?

JUDE:
I'm her partner, yeah.

WINGMAN:
I'm the Winged Wingman It's not just a reference to what I do. I'm also, like, Major Vaunt's wingman in life too. We are real tight. At parties like this though, he likes to do his own thing.

JUDE:
Mm.

WINGMAN:
I don't mind. It gives me a chance to do my own thing too. Spread my wings so to speak. Plus I like to talk to the other sidekicks.

JUDE:
Listen, I'm not her sidekick, okay. I'm her partner.

WINGMAN:
Mm.

JUDE:
You know, we've been doing this since middle school. I used to get picked on a lot, and one day she just kind of stood up for me. We weren't friends or anything at the time, but, you know, she just kind of decided that that was the right thing to do. And ever since then that's what we've been trying to do. The right thing. So, we're partners, you know. Like a team.

WINGMAN; That's a nice story. Reminds me of how me and Vaunt started out. Too bad everything changes. Have a good night. Sup.

♪ That's a lot ♪

♪ A lot of sound ♪

♪ Build it up ♪

♪ Break it down ♪

♪ That's a lot ♪

♪ A lot of sound A lot of sound ♪

♪ Break it down ♪

♪ On and on and on About ♪

♪ In the end Who'll really listen? ♪

♪ On and on and on about ♪

♪ In the end Who'll really listen? ♪♪ On and on and on ♪♪ Break it down ♪♪ In the end Who'll really listen? ♪♪ Break it down ♪

MAN:
Spare some change? Spare some change?

[CHUCKLES]

[GASPS]

[♪♪♪]

MAN:
Spare some change? Spare some change? Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?

[LAUGHS]

MAN:
That's mine.

[LAUGHING]

MAN:
No!

[WOMAN CONTINUES LAUGHING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

[ALERT BEEPING]

DAN:
Make it quick, Frank.

FRANK:
The new super suit that you wanted is complete.

DAN:
Beautiful. Thanks, Frankie. Package it up for me, will you?

FRANK:
Who's it for again?

DAN:
You ask too many questions, Frank.

FRANK:
It was only one question.

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

ANNOUNCER:
Wanna meet your favorite superheroes? Then the 17th annual SuperFest at the Los Angeles Convention Center is the place to be. All your favorite heroes will be available for photos, autographs, and Q&A throughout the day. All brought to you by ENRG Power Drink.

DISINTEGRATOR:
No personal photos!

MAN:
Dude, your phone just got disintegrated by Disintegrator. That's awesome.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

[♪♪♪]

PERENNIAL MAN:
Now, that's a great question. As most of you I'm sure know, our powers generally present themselves in high school. It was no different for me. One day sitting in class, it happened. It was like someone flipped a switch and there I was able to talk to plants. [CHUCKLES] It was quite amazing.I couldn't very well keep such a gift to myself. I mean, think how long we've gone as a people not sure if a plant needed water or not. Or whether it needed to be repotted.I'm trying to-- I'm trying to do something here. No, no. Excuse me. I'm trying to-- I'm answering questions. Oh. Well, f*** you buddy. Okay? You squat little tree. This guy.

MAN:
I got three autographs already.

[CLEARS THROAT]

WINGMAN:
You know it's very difficult signing a tiny little picture. My index fingers have a surprising girth. It comes from my mom's side of the family. Moving forward, it may be easier to have one photo with the both of us we can sign.

MAJOR VAUNT:
Yeah, we're not going to do that. Next. Why is the show so dead? Where the hell is everyone?

WINGMAN:
Obviously over there.

[♪♪♪]

MAN:
Let me through. I wanna get a shot.

WOMAN:
Move.

MAN:
I can't see.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

JUDE:
She is always late. It does not feel great, but--

LORI:
Are you writing a hate haiku?

JUDE:
Nope. I haven't done that in years.

LORI:
Mm-hm.

JUDE:
So late night with the SS Starletta?

LORI:
Oh, my God, Dyna, she threw her seven inch Louboutin's--Lou-boo-ton. How do you say it? Doesn't matter. She threw it 300 yards to knock out a perp in front of the Château Man-- Mar-- Mar-- How do you say it? It doesn't matter. It was awesome.

JUDE:
Sounds awesome. More awesome if her superpower was time travel. She could've dropped you off 20 minutes ago when you were supposed to arrive.

LORI:
[SNIFFING] Oh. Is that passive aggressiveness that you're wearing? It's my favorite scent. Look, I was networking. She's got a huge following so being seen with her raises our profile.

JUDE:
We're ready. Hi. Very cool. I love it.

LORI:
"Live a little.Never be boring.Love, Electra Woman."

[CHUCKLES]

JUDE:
"Always be on time.Dyna Girl."

LORI:
"PS, remember that you're young and you should have fun while you can.Which might mean you show up a few minutes late to events."

JUDE:
"PPS, yes, have fun while you can,but maybe extend an invitation to your old friends too. Some of them would have loved to go out last night instead of creating a spreadsheet of crime statistics that someone will never even look at. And follow your heart."

BOTH:
Have a great day. Next.

GIRL:
Thanks.

LORI:
"Eat sh*t."

JUDE:
"--take mushrooms for your health."

LORI:
Have a great day.

MAJOR VAUNT:
Sup?

[HUMMING]

WINGMAN:
What?

MAJOR VAUNT:
You're an embarrassment.

WINGMAN:
Why?

MAJOR VAUNT:
Really? Out of the way, losers. Well, well, well, if it isn't Electra Woman and Tryna Girl.

JUDE:
What?

MAJOR VAUNT:
Tryna Girl. Like trying-a. You know, like you're trying to be a real superhero.

JUDE:
Oh. Good one.

MAJOR VAUNT:
Yeah. I haven't thought of one for you.

LORI:
Well, clearly you have exhausted your creativity on that gem, and brilliance takes time.

WINGMAN:
I can't wait to get out of this costume. You gals might wanna take a step back. Heh. Inside of the suit has seen better days.

[WINGMAN'S STOMACH RUMBLING]

WINGMAN:
Are you enjoying your first SuperFest?

LORI:
It's all right. You?

WINGMAN:
Yeah, sweaty.

MAJOR VAUNT:
Well, these things are different for vets like us. Maybe if you practice being nice to the big boys, you'll last. Most of you lady-heroes tag out early.

JUDE:
Why is that?

MAJOR VAUNT:
Romantic emotions, menopause, Food Network. Bunch of stuff.

LORI:
Well, then for the big boys, it must be nice and relaxing not having to sign so much since no one really cares about you anymore.

MAJOR VAUNT:
You better watch your mouth, little girl. Or I'm going to watch it for you.

LORI:
Okay.

DAN:
Jesus, these people, I can taste the BO in my mouth. Big business for us to talk about.

MAJOR VAUNT:
Another endorsement deal?

DAN:
Not you, Vaunt. Them. Let's chat. Big news.

MAJOR VAUNT:
Wait, what?

DAN:
I have brought home the grand prize for my two favorite girls. This didn't come easy. I had to do some downstairs business with some very unsavory characters,but in the end it was worth it. I landed the whale. An endorsement deal that is the envy of every other superhero on the planet. I'll give you two guesses who might be the new faces of ENRG Power Drink.

LORI:
Oh, my God. We did it.

DAN:
In reality, I did, but knock yourself out with self-congratulations.

LORI:
My God.

MAN:
Gotta check this out.

REPORTER:
It's a virtual war zone here in West Hollywood. A short time ago, a mysterious woman seemed to drop from the sky, leaving a path of destruction in her wake. She appears to be unscathed by the police and their gunfire. While we don't have all the facts, we may have our first super villain sighting since the Shadow War.

JUDE:
A super villain? We have to do something.

DISINTEGRATOR:
I'd love to help, but I really don't think I should. I've got another signing in 20 minutes. How would the public respect a superhero that didn't honor his commitments?

PIRATE:
If it was a year ago, I'd be totally in. But now I've got a trick knee. Besides, maybe we should let the police handle this. That's what they're there for.

PERENNIAL MAN:
Are there are any plants that might benefit from me--

JUDE:
You're good.

PERENNIAL MAN:
Okay.

LORI:
We got this.

JUDE:
Damn right we got this.

LORI:
This is going to be huge exposure for us.

MAJOR VAUNT:
Thanks, girls, but I think you should leave this to someone with real super powers. Wouldn't want you two to get hurt. Come on Wingman. Let's fly.

WINGMAN:
Are you serious? I just got my damn wings off.

MAN:
You're so full of crap.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

LORI:
I'm far more equipped--

MAN:
...medical issue...

JUDE:
Everyone. This is the first super villain we have seen in years. None of us have ever had to face a threat of this magnitude before. Can't you see? This harkens back to the days of the heroes that came before us. Now is our time to show the world what we can do. Let us unite and we will defeat this villain--

MAJOR VAUNT:
Boring.

JUDE:
--together.

REPORTER:
We're getting word the super villain proclaims herself to be the Empress of Evil.

MAJOR VAUNT:
All right, Empress. We've got you surrounded. Just give yourself up now and we can--

[SCREAMS]

REPORTER:
What's that? It looks like renowned superhero Major Vaunt has just appeared on the scene to save the day.

MAJOR VAUNT:
Empress.

EMPRESS OF EVIL:
Empress of Evil.

MAJOR VAUNT:
Fine. Empress of Evil. It's time to wrap this up. I'm here to bring you to justice. Let's just make this easy on the both of us.

WINGMAN:
Okay, M.V., I'm ready. Where's Vaunt?

MAJOR VAUNT:
It's over.

EMPRESS OF EVIL:
You're right.

[♪♪♪]

[ALL GASP]

[LAUGHING]

POLICE:
Open fire.

[EMPRESS CONTINUES LAUGHING]

[STATIC CRACKLING]

[WINGED WINGMAN WHIMPERS]

WINGMAN:
He's gonna be okay, right?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

WALLACE:
Good morning, I'm Wallace Reed. Welcome to our continuing coverage of the tragedy that rocked Los Angeles yesterday evening. At approximately 8 p.m. Pacific Standard Time the L.A. city coroner declared the superhero known as Major Vaunt dead. Listing the cause of death as the giant gaping hole in his body.His murder comes at the hands of someone calling herself the Empress of Evil. It would appear she is the first super villain to have emerged since the end of the Shadow War. We're joined by two different perspectives this morning. First, from Los Angeles, it's Electra Woman.

LORI:
Thanks, Wallace.

JUDE:
And Dyna Girl. I'm here too, Wallace. Is my mic even on?

WALLACE:
And from our New York studios,it's East Coast super sensation, The Holy Cannoli.

HOLY CANNOLI:
Grazie, Wally.

WALLACE:
So let me ask the both of you, what are the implications of what happened last night? A real-life super villain? Should we be worried?

LORI:
Great question, Wallace. The answer would be no. Major Vaunt, rest in peace, put forth a valiant effort, but in the end he came up short. I won't let that happen. Justice will prevail. I will bring the Empress to her knees.

JUDE:
We. We will be bringing the Empress to her knees, Wallace. We.

WALLACE:
Holy Cannoli, how was this received in your neck of the woods?

HOLY CANNOLI:
Well, Wallace, obviously this is a great tragedy and I mean a super villain? You gotta be kidding me.Get out of here with that. But from our perspective, although we've got much love for the L.A. union, we can't really get involved in all that. We got our own things to take care of here. And no disrespect, but I mean, her beef really does seem to be with L.A. So it's not even our place.

LORI:
We got this. Capiche.

HOLY CANNOLI:
There you have it. That's all. Hi, Ma. Go Yanks.

JUDE:
I think we should have Frank pull up whatever he can on CrimeScope. We don't know anything about the Empress.

LORI:
Right. Frank. CrimeScope. Great idea. Get him on it while we're at the shoot.

JUDE:
Wait, we're not still doing the commercial?

LORI:
Why wouldn't we still do it?

JUDE:
Because there's a lunatic super villain out there killing superheroes.

LORI:
You said it yourself, we don't know anything about her. So while CrimeScope does whatever the hell it does, let's do what we're supposed to do and go shoot this commercial. Plus you're gonna look so pretty.

JUDE:
Heh.

LORI:
Get in on the other side, we have to get changed.

JACK:
I gotta go, Todd. I hate you, Todd. No, shut up, Todd. Todd, shut up. Electra Woman and Dyna Girl. Lori and Judy, right?

JUDE:
Uh-huh.

LORI:
Right.

JACK:
Today I have one job and one job only. You wanna know what that is?

JUDE:
Well, you're a director, so I'm going to go out on a limb and guess: directing?

JACK:
Turning superheroes into superstars. Have you been briefed on the concept?

JUDE:
Nope.

[♪♪♪]

JACK:
We open on an extreme wide in the desert. Your silhouettes glimmer in the distance through rippling heat waves. Sweat coats your skin like molasses. Whoa! A super sweet-looking helicopter hovers in the distance for absolutely no reason. And then, as you two approach a mystical oasis, sexy assassins appear. Yeah. And you guys kick their asses into the water and then jump in after them and finish them off.

[GRUNTING]

JACK:
But now you're all wet, so what are you going to do? So you whip off your suits to reveal sexy, badass bikini versions underneath. But right beside you are two cans of ENRG Power Drink. We dolly in as you slip on some super sweet shades, look directly into the camera and say, "Days are the only thing "we don't know how to take off. But now, thanks to ENRG Power Drink, we don't have to."

[LAUGHS]

JACK:
Fade to black. Whoa! Yeah? Shh. You hear that? That is the sound of every prepubescent boy in the world coming of age to images of you simultaneously.

JUDE:
Can you give us a minute?

JACK:
Yeah. Yeah.

JUDE:
Yeah, I'm not sure that giving middle school kids boners is something we should aspire to. At all. Ever. Forever. We're better than this.

LORI:
Actually, we've never been better. It says it right on the can. So...Okay, calm down. Look, if he wants a couple gratuitous boob shots, who cares? He's got a vision. Jude, you've got to learn to choose your battles.

JUDE:
You know what? You're right.

LORI:
Good. Okay. Let's just--

JUDE:
Which is why I'm choosing not to do this.Lori, this isn't us.

LORI:
Jude, I want us to be the best that we can be.

JUDE:
Right, so do I. And I don't wanna cheapen myself to do it. All I'm saying is I think you've gotten so focused on one path to success you're not thinking about what matters.

LORI:
Hmm, you know, that reminds me of someone.

JUDE:
What do you mean?

[HUMS]

JUDE:
Me? Me. You think I'm the problem?

LORI:
I think you've had a problem since we got here. Look at this. This is the kind of sh*t that supers kill for. And look at you. You're still not happy.

JUDE :
Will you think about this from my perspective? Think about how all we do now are interviews and photo shoots, and half the time they barely acknowledge I'm there.

LORI :
Great, so it's my fault people like me more than you?

JUDE :
Jesus, I don't give a sh*t about people liking me.

LORI:
You don't give a sh*t, period. I don't know what you're doing, but I'm taking advantage of opportunities. I don't miss Ohio. I don't miss being broke. I don't miss having no respect. I have worked very hard for this.

JUDE:
No, we. We worked hard for this. We are a team, remember?

[♪♪♪]

JUDE :
I can't do this anymore.

LORI:
Yeah. Yeah, I can't do this either.

JUDE :
Let's just calm down. Let's take a break. We'll talk about it later.

LORI :
No, I can't do this anymore. If you're not willing to follow my lead,then spin off. Get a new suit, a new name, a new everything. See how that works out for you.

JUDE :
I can't believe you told me to spin off.

LORI:
Believe it. I said it. The Electra train is moving full steam ahead and it's not stopping for anyone.

JUDE:
Jesus, you sound like Dan.

LORI:
Good. Dan is a winner.

JUDE:
Wow. Your ass must be pretty jealous of the amount of sh*t coming out of your mouth.

LORI:
Oh, great. Walk away.

JUDE:
I am.

LORI:
Keep stepping with your feet.

JUDE:
That's how walking works.

LORI:
Oh, look who finally figured out how something works.

JUDE:
Lori, stop it.

LORI:
Judy, you stop it.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

LORI:
I'm doing this solo. And can we amp this up a little bit? It's not my grandmother's commercial.

JACK:
All right, you heard her, people. Let's do this. Whoa!

JUDE:
Home, please.

DRIVER:
Okay. Where's home?

JUDE:
I don't even know anymore.

♪ Well, I guess it's time To face it ♪

♪ I don't think I can make it Anymore ♪

DRIVER:
Look, can you ask someone? I can't drive down every street--

JUDE:
Aah! No, yes, I know where I live. I know where I physically live. I was just being dramatic. God.

[SIGHS]

JUDE:
You know what? Can you just take me to CMM?

[♪♪♪]

MAN:
Here's your coffee, ma'am.

LORI:
What is this? This has-- This has stuff on it. I specifically asked for no stuff.

MAN:
Aah! The pumpkin spice. It burns.

LORI:
Jack?

JACK:
Yo.

LORI:
Your crew is a bunch of amateurs. I have watched dogs take dumps on rugs more professionally than this.

JACK:
I'll fix this. You, you're fired. Go home.

[SCREAMS THEN COUGHING]

JACK:
Are we good?

[SIGHS]

LORI:
And why do you have so many brushes? I'm one person. With one face.

JUDE:
Hey, Frank.

FRANK:
Hey, Dyna Girl.

[CRACKLING]

JUDE:
What are you building over there, anyway?

FRANK:
That's not ready yet.

[SIGHING]

[SIGHS]

FRANK:
Is there something wrong with your breathing or are you trying to give me subtle mood hints that I'm not understanding? Maybe you could tell Electra Woman, and she could explain it to me.

JUDE:
No dice, Frank. We kind of had a fight, and she's doing her own thing now, I guess.

FRANK:
That's interesting.

[BEEPING AND WHIRRING]

[EXHALES AUDIBLY]

[SIGHS]

FRANK:
Okay, either there is something wrong with your lungs or you are hoping that I can solve your emotional conundrum with some frank Frank advice. Now, I assume you will see your primary care physician ASAP, but on the off chance that you were hoping for my advice, here goes. Sometimes you have to lose something before you realize how valuable it really is. Electra Woman will come around.

JUDE:
Thanks, Frank. You're like a regular Dr. Oz.

FRANK:
The guy who gives away hearts and brains?

JUDE:
That's the Wizard of Oz, but very close.

FRANK:
Oh, yeah.

JUDE:
Yeah. You know, I think I'm going to head to the scene of the crime--

FRANK:
I've suffered loss as well.

JUDE:
See if I can find any clues.

FRANK:
I threw my Frisbee into the forest and he never came back.

JUDE:
Okay. Have CrimeScope see what it can pull up on the Empress of Evil.

FRANK:
I miss him every day.

JUDE:
Let me know what you find.

FRANK:
His name was Jonathan.

JUDE:
Thanks, Frank.

FRANK:
Jonathan Frisbee.

[♪♪♪]

[THUDDING]

[♪♪♪]

WINGMAN:
Dyna Girl, what's up?

JUDE:
Hey.

WINGMAN:
It's me, Wingman. I just came to pay my respects. This is from the night he let me hide in the closet and watch the three of them. He was a good friend. Major Vaunt and I had our ups and downs. Sometimes he would take me for granted, or laugh at my ideas or light my head on fire to make a bartender laugh. Or not listen to a word I was saying when I was talking, or-- I guess that made me feel really unappreciated. That's why it's so important for us sidekicks to stick together when the-- Hey!

JUDE:
Oh, hey, great talk, Wingman. Yeah. Good luck with all that.

WINGMAN:
Nobody likes me.

[♪♪♪]

WOMAN 1:
Dyna Girl?

GIRL:
Can I get a picture?

JUDE:
Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, okay.

[CHUCKLES THEN SHRIEKING]

WOMAN 2:
Hey, me too. I want a photo with the one and only Dyna Girl.

JUDE:
Oh, crap.

LORI:
What the--.

[♪♪♪]

[SHRIEKING]

WOMAN:
Hey, me too. I want a photo with the one and only Dyna Girl.

JUDE:
Oh, crap.

LORI:
Oh, my God, Judy. I should have been there.What am I doing?

WOMAN:
You rolled up a snowball and threw it into hell. Now you have to see if it has a chance.

LORI:
Excuse me?

WOMAN:
Your ego's writing checks that your body can't cash.

LORI:
What?

WOMAN:
You're acting like a dipshit.

LORI:
Ah.

WOMAN:
My kids look up to you. You're a superhero. It's about time you start acting like one.

LORI:
Yeah.

WOMAN:
This isn't you.

LORI:
This isn't me.

WOMAN:
So you go be you.

LORI:
I gotta go be me.

[♪♪♪]

LORI:
I gotta go be me. I gotta go be me!

JACK:
What the hell? Who looked her directly in the eyes?She's like a wild animal, people. That's a sign of aggression.

LORI:
Jack, I can't do this. I'm a superhero. And it's about time I start acting like one.

JACK:
I had a kale salad for lunch, okay? So don't feed me this bullshit.

LORI:
I'm coming for you, Judy.

JACK:
If you leave this set, your reputation is ruined. Do you understand that? You're done in this town. You're finished, Electra. You're done. Nobody walks out on Jack Hurley. Whoa!

[DOOR OPENS]

MAN:
Oh, Jesus. Mind shutting the door, buddy?

DAN:
F*** off.

MAN:
A**hole.

[BEEPING]

DAN:
Talk to me, sweetheart. I know. Don't you think I know this? What did I tell you, huh? She's gonna play ball. If not, we're gonna make it so that she has no choice but to play ball. So don't worry. That's her. I have to go. Play nice. There she is.

LORI:
Dan, she's got Judy.

DAN:
It's all over the news. I know, it's tragic. But I have it all figured out. First thing you're gonna do is MSNBC. They bid highest and they're giving the full hour to remember Dyna Girl. Assuming she dies. She probably will. Sorry for your loss.

LORI:
Are you joking? Judy's missing and all you can think about is TV?

DAN:
I'm thinking about social media also. Hashtag "Dyna Gone Girl." Get it?

LORI:
Okay, listen to me, Dan. I am done with your bullshit media campaign.

DAN:
No, you listen to me. They're paying top dollar. You're gonna do this interview.

LORI:
If you like interviews, do it yourself. I gotta find Judy.

DAN:
You know how many heroes would kill to be in the position you're in right now? Do you?

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

[PLOPPING]

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTS]

[THUDDING]

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

BERNICE:
Hey, loser.

[♪♪♪]

LORI:
Frank.

FRANK:
Hey, Electra Woman.

LORI:
God bless your lack of an actual home.Listen, the Empress has kidnapped Judy. I need to save her.

FRANK:
I'll ask CrimeScope to track her current coordinates based off the tracking device in her ElectraCom.

LORI:
Wait, you can do that?

FRANK:
That's odd.

LORI:
Yeah, Frank. That is odd. That you never mentioned that important fact.

FRANK:
She's here.

LORI:
What?

FRANK:
CrimeScope says Dyna Girl is here.

LORI:
That doesn't make any sense. You're reading it wrong.

FRANK:
Wow.

LORI:
I'm sorry, Frank. I'm just-- I'm a little worked up. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I have been a horrible friend to Judy. I told her to spin off.

FRANK:
Jesus Christ.

LORI:
I know. I feel awful.

FRANK:
Jesus Christ is in my orange again. He's wearing his sombrero.

LORI:
Frank, focus. Where is Dyna Girl?

FRANK:
I told you. Her current coordinates are here at the agency.

LORI:
Are you sure it's not malfunctioning?

FRANK:
I don't think so.

LORI:
How do I get to you? I'm in the Valley. Do they have taxis?

FRANK:
Oh, use Uber. It's built into your ElectraCom. You get $20 off your first ride with the promo code "Frank."

LORI:
I can't say I'm surprised by that.

FRANK:
Would you like me to save you some orange?

LORI:
I'll pass, Frank.

FRANK:
Okay. More Jesus orange for me.

JUDE:
Why are you doing this, Bernice?

BERNICE:
Supply and demand, dummy. Every idiot, present company included, wants to be the hero. That is so boring. Why would I wanna be one of the many heroes when I can be the one and only super villain in the world? I'm cornering the market. It's simple business economics.

JUDE:
That report really took a turn.

BERNICE:
Didn't it, though? Anyway, there's no point in discussing it.The fact of the matter is, somehow, against all probability, you two powerless losers became the biggest thing in the super game overnight.

JUDE:
It was hardly overnight. We have spent years working up to this-

BERNICE:
Anyway, I wanted a piece of that. And frankly,I deserve it more than you do.

JUDE:
Hey, fun fact: you can't spell "Bernice" without "be nicer."

[GRUNTS]

JUDE:
Okay, fine. Maybe no more fun facts.

[♪♪♪]

[BEEPING]

LORI:
It's okay. She's okay. You're friends.You're gonna go. You're going to see her. The Empress is gonna be there. You're going to save her. She's gonna be like, "Oh, my God. I'm sorry. What was I thinking?"

[MUTTERING]

LORI:
CMM office. It's urgent. And we'll hug.It's gonna be like Full House. We used to watch that show together.God, what was I--? I can't believe-- Jesus.

[♪♪♪]

LORI:
I need to go to Creative Masked Management offices ASAP.

UBER DRIVER:
Emily, right?

LORI:
What? No. Lori.

UBER DRIVER:
Sorry, wrong car. I'm picking up Emily.

LORI:
Mother F. You're probably very nice.

[♪♪♪]

PAUL:
Hello?

LORI:
It says you've arrived. I don't see you.

PAUL:
I am at the corner of Van Nuys and 7th.

LORI:
7th? I'm not on 7th. I'm on Van Nuys and Fenton.

PAUL:
Uh, it says you're on 7th.

LORI:
Damn it. Okay, just stay there.

[♪♪♪]

JUDE:
Hey, when did you get your powers anyway?

BERNICE:
A couple of months after you guys left town. Jealous much? You know, it's really a shame you weren't there when I first discovered them. I would have loved to have shown you what I did to my foster parents.

JUDE:
Oh, God. You really are evil.

BERNICE:
And you're really observant.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

LORI:
Hi. I need to get to the CMM offices off of Wilshire. And I need to get there as fast as possible.

MAN:
That's great. I'm not an Uber driver. Get out of my car.

LORI:
Oh, my God. How many black Priuses are there in this city? Look, I have $11 and half a bag of Fritos.

MAN:
Get out.

LORI:
I lied about the Fritos. Paul.I need my legs! Paul?

PAUL:
Yeah. Lori?

LORI:
Yes.

PAUL:
Hey. Hi, where are we headed?

LORI:
CMM office. It's urgent.

PAUL:
Okay. Let me just type that into my GPS here. Ooh. I hit the N button.

LORI:
Ha-ha-ha.

PAUL:
Backspace. It auto corrected to "CBS studios."

LORI:
Oh, my God. Just drive the goddamn car.

PAUL:
Hey. Hey. Are you Electra Woman? Holy sh*t. I'm a big fan, a big fan. When you took down those fishermen using cod to smuggle MP3 players-- Yeah?

LORI:
Paul. Paul. How would you like to be my special sidekick today?

PAUL:
Yeah. Wait, what about Dyna Girl?

LORI:
That's the thing, Paul. Dyna Girl needs my help. She needs-- She needs our help.

PAUL:
Can I be Uber Man?

LORI:
You know, honestly, it lacks a little creativity. And legally, it's probably trademarked.If you want it long-term, you need a lawyer. For today, yes. Pedal to the metal, Uber Man.

PAUL:
It's Uber time.

LORI:
Sure.

PAUL:
Oh, seatbelts. Seatbelts. Okay. Yes.

♪ Put on a seatbelt Before you drive ♪

♪ Put on your seatbelt To stay alive ♪

PAUL:
Let's do this.

[♪♪♪]

LORI:
She was right, Paul. She was right. We didn't come out here to forget who we are. We came out here to be the best versions of ourselves that we could be. Somehow I forgot that along the way. You know, I don't think I've ever actually told her how much I appreciate her. I don't think I actually knew how much I appreciated her until she left. Turn left. I need to grab something.

PAUL:
The rescue mission.

LORI:
Left, Uber Man. Turn left.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

PAUL:
Whoa! Ha-ha-ha! I'm weaving around old ladies like pylons out here.

LORI:
That was very impressive.

PAUL:
That was Uber-riffic. I am Uber-tastic.

LORI:
Okay.

PAUL:
I'm-- I'm--This is the Ub-nation.

LORI:
Okay. You know, I was slightly turned on for a second. And now?

PAUL:
Ub-baby. Uber--

LORI:
Nope. Stop. Shut it down. Zip it, Paul.

JUDE:
I can't believe I ever stood up for you.Lori was right.

BERNICE:
The only thing Lori was right about was the fact that you're a pathetic sidekick.

JUDE:
She said that?

BERNICE:
Probably. I mean, it sounds like something she'd say. I don't actually know. I'm just assuming because, you know, she always kind of thought she was better than you.

[♪♪♪]

BERNICE:
Check this out. My brain has become so strong, it figured out how to change the molecular structure of my skin to deflect any harm whatsoever. I'm basically indestructible. Hashtag "thanks puberty."

[CHUCKLING]

BERNICE:
But NBD, right? I mean, that whole "no powers" thing is working out really well for you. Oh, wait.

JUDE:
Yeah, I get it. You're very powerful. It's quite unfair.

[♪♪♪]

PAUL:
Hey. So if this thing doesn't work out for some reason, I've been a sidekick on and off for a bunch of supers. I'd love to be considered if an opportunity comes around. If this rescue mission doesn't work out. And if it does work out, call me anyway?

LORI:
Okay.

PAUL:
Thanks.Paul Kaulkman. Make sure you rate five stars.

FRANK:
Hey, Electra Woman.

[LORI PANTING]

FRANK:
What can I help you with?

LORI:
Dyna Girl. Missing.

FRANK:
Oh, yeah. Well, CrimeScope said she was here,but I don't see her. Soup?

LORI:
No, Frank.

FRANK:
Hey, what's in the box?

LORI:
I need you to fix that for me.

FRANK:
Huh.

[♪♪♪]

LORI:
Jude.

JUDE:
Lori.

BERNICE:
Hey, loser.

LORI:
Bernice?

BERNICE:
Empress of Evil.

[GRUNTS]

LORI:
Okay, well,first of all,it's great to see that you are still terrible.Second of all, what are you doing here under CMM?

BERNICE:
Dan saw something in me he couldn't pass up.

BOTH:
What?

BERNICE:
Yeah, he's my agent now. Hashtag "blessed."

JUDE:
Lori!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

BERNICE:
Wakey wakey.

[BERNICE LAUGHS]

LORI:
Real mature, Bernice.

JUDE:
You okay?

LORI:
I'm alive. For now.

BERNICE:
Looking for something?

[♪♪♪]

BERNICE:
Whoops.

JUDE:
You know, I try not to hate you, but you make it so hard.

LORI:
Not for me. I hate you Like I care what you think about me. Why are you doing this, Bernice?

BERNICE:
Argh. Can you just get her caught up?

JUDE:
Yeah, that's fine.

BERNICE:
You know, as much as I would love to continue to be unimpressed by you two, I made a promise in my Reddit AMA to do some more villainy stuff today. Heh. A kind stranger even gave me gold. Though I have no idea what that means Plus, Dan wants me to stir up more trouble anyway.

I don't understand Dan's plan. Why would he want you to kill us?

BERNICE:
That's my idea. Dan doesn't have a clue. He just mapped out the whole timeline. Gotta keep you guys trapped for a bit. Get the public invested in your search and rescue. And then...

[CHUCKLING]

[LAUGHING]

LORI:
Jude, I am so sorry.

JUDE:
Don't worry about it. You said things. And I said things. And the truth is we both just got caught up in our own egos. We gave too much credit to our definitions of right and wrong,took opinion for fact. We forgot to remember the importance of respect,

[SNORING]

JUDE:
patience, humility-- Lori? Lori. Are you cutting me off with a fake coma?

LORI:
"Cut-me-off coma's" a classic. I haven't used it on you in months.

JUDE:
Fine. You don't like my speeches.

LORI:
No. No, I like your speeches. And that one's great. It's very true to you. It's really heartfelt. And super boring.

JUDE:
Thanks.

[GROANS]

JUDE:
Frank.

FRANK:
Oh. Hey, Dyna Girl. Loser.

LORI:
What are you doing down here?

FRANK:
I keep soup down here. What are you doing down here?

LORI:
The Empress?Judy's been kidnapped. I came here looking for her. Did you not notice I went down the hallway and never came back

FRANK:
Right. Well, I'm glad that you found her It's excellent work as always Have fun.

LORI:
Frank, unchain us. Get us out of here so we can suit up.

FRANK:
Oh, right here.

LORI:
I said "suit up," not "soup up."

FRANK:
Oh, well, they do sound very similar.

LORI:
Hold on, is that minestrone?

FRANK:
You're darn tooting.

[♪♪♪]

[BEEPING]

[SLURPING THEN EXHALES AUDIBLY]

JUDE:
So...what exactly is our game plan?

FRANK:
Oh, I - I almost forgot. It's ready.

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[CROWD SCREAMING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[♪♪♪]

MAN:
Whoa, it's Electra Woman and Dyna Girl. And the ElectraCar. Ooh!

[♪♪♪]

[WHIRRING]

MAN:
Whoa! What?

[BEEPING]

[SIGHS]

FRANK:
All that work.

LORI:
Goddamn it.

JUDE:
We waited the whole show for the ElectraCar. That was it?

LORI:
Yeah, but at least we got to look cool.

JUDE:
Yeah?

LORI:
Yeah.

MAN:
It's true. You looked really cool standing in front of it. No regrets.

MAN 2:
I agree.It would've been great to get more time with the car.I really enjoyed the time we had with it.

JUDE:
Okay, but seriously, no ElectraComs, no ElectraCar. I'm pretty sure we're Electra-screwed.

LORI:
We never had any of that stuff before. We were still superheroes, right?

JUDE:
Right.

LORI:
Hey, Empress. Remember when I said I'd never hit a kid? I lied.And I have not expressed an opinion on the subject, until now.

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

JUDE:
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Get her. Get her. That's it. That's it. That's it. Yeah. Yeah.

LORI:
Just let me do this.

JUDE:
Okay, yeah. Okay.

[GRUNTING]

JUDE:
She is not injured. Yeah, yeah. I just don't-- I don't think it's working.

[LAUGHING]

BERNICE:
Cute, guys. We're ahead of schedule, but I don't think Dan will mind.

[LORI GRUNTS]

JUDE:
Electra Woman!

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING]

BERNICE:
Looks like the world will get to watch you fail at saving your precious sidekick.

LORI:
She's not my sidekick. She's my partner. Always has been, and always will be.

[GRUNTING]

LORI:
Kind of like how you'll always just be Bernice. Our annoying, shitty neighbor, with a peanut allergy.

[♪♪♪]

BERNICE:
Ugh!

[BERNICE GRUNTING]

[BERNICE COUGHING]

JUDE:
How's that impenetrable skin working out for you?

BERNICE:
Oh, f***.

LORI:
Uh-oh.

[♪♪♪]

BERNICE:
Argh.

[WHIMPERS]

LORI:
This is taking a turn.

JUDE:
Did you know that was gonna happen?

LORI:
No.

[GASPING]

BERNICE:
What did you do?

JUDE:
Oh, God.

LORI:
I can't not look at it.

[GRUNTING]

BERNICE:
Hey, losers, where do you think you're going? This isn't over.I'm--

[EXPLOSION]

LORI:
Whew.

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTS]

JUDE:
God.

MAN:
I'm grateful you stopped her, but that was way more graphic than expected or needed.

MAN 2:
I agree. Great work but gross.

JUDE:
Yeah, definitely.

LORI:
Agreed.

JUDE:
Okay, I guess we gotta go find Dan.

LORI:
You know what might help?

JUDE:
What? Oh, my God. You fixed the DynaSuction?

LORI:
Maybe.

JUDE:
See, our old gear wasn't so bad.

LORI:
Like I said, we're classic. No change needed.

JUDE:
You know, I really appreciate you doing this. But don't you think we could have used this a few minutes ago? Like, when all was lost and it looked like we might be defeated?

LORI:
You know, sure, we could have. I just thought maybe thematically I should give it to you at the end. Putting a nice button on the whole journey-between-us.

JUDE:
I can see why you'd risk our lives for that. Makes sense.

LORI:
I'm a sucker for storytelling.

JUDE:
So, what do we do about Dan? I mean, he basically tried to kill us.

LORI:
True, but for argument's sake, I mean,is this really the worst thing an agent has done to a client?

JUDE:
Mm. Good point. You know, I could really go for a vacation.

LORI:
Oh, let's go to Canada.I hear they have great tax incentives.

JUDE:
Oh, that's what I'm talking about.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Electra Woman And Dyna Girl ♪

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