Elizabethtown Page #4

shoes and never ask any questions.

Just enjoy your footwear.

Do you ever just think,

"I'm fooling everybody"?

You have no idea.

Men see things in a box.

And women see them in a round room.

Look at this. He was so young here.

My mom.

Not the one they wanted him to marry.

They met in an elevator.

I think I've been asleep most of my life.

Me, too.

Good Lord!

Do you want to have a beer

over the phone?

Chuck and Cindy.

Cindy and Chuck.

I am currently stealing...

Chuck and Cindy's wedding beer.

You're a friend of Chuck's, right?

- Yes.

- No, you're not. I'm Chuck.

Of Chuck and Cindy?

- Is that Chuck?

- It's Chuck.

Who are you?

Drew Baylor. Your neighbor.

- You're here for my wedding?

- No.

Business?

My dad died. I'm here for his funeral.

I'm sorry. I can't...

- That's hard.

- It is hard, yeah.

- No, no, please.

- Sh*t!

Please, no. No, no, Chuck. No, Chuck.

Chuck, please.

Death and life and death and life.

Right next door to each other!

There's a hair between them.

We're here for the next three days.

If there's anything I can do for you...

Chuck Hasboro.

Hi, Claire.

Look, if there's anything I can do

for you guys, okay? Anything.

Thank you, Chuck.

I love you, Claire.

Okay.

It's all about family, bro.

Thank you, Chuck.

But they say it will hit you.

It could be 10 minutes

or it could be 10 years from now.

So it's good that you talk about it,

or don't talk about it.

Well, we have talked about it,

but that's what they say.

That's what they say, huh?

Yes, that's what they say.

I've always wondered this.

Who are "they"?

You know, "them."

"Them."

The inimitable collective "them."

And who says we're supposed to listen

to them?

They do!

Doesn't your ear hurt?

Yes, it does.

And I have to get up in two hours

and be charming.

I'm going to Hawaii.

- You'll get there and have fun.

- I'll get there and sleep.

It's just a little vacation

I traded routes for...

I'll let you go.

Wait.

When will you be back?

Hello.

You still there?

Yeah.

I'm just wondering if this whole thing

is better on the phone.

You're so much better on the phone.

Maybe we should never

face each other again.

I enjoyed this.

Hey, you're only 45 minutes away.

You want to meet halfway

and see the sunrise?

At this point,

it's probably easier to stay up.

You think so?

I think that's what they say.

Hey, you still with me?

Yeah, I'm still here.

- Take exit 43.

- Okay.

I see your headlights.

I see your red hat.

There you are.

Hello.

Hey.

Should we hang up now?

Follow me.

We peaked on the phone.

- Yeah, I'm a little tired.

- Yeah, me too.

Last looks.

Have fun in Hawaii.

There's one right now.

Aloha.

Aloha.

You will not defeat me.

What are you doing?

Mom, are you sure?

Are you sure about the...

Are you sure about the cremation?

Honey, I don't know when

I'm going to crash...

but as of right now,

we are learning about the car...

and I'm learning organic cooking,

I'm gonna tap dance...

and later on today,

I am going to fix the toilet.

It is five minutes at a time.

Do you all know about

out in California...

how many people they cremate

out there?

- No. How many?

- 80%, I read.

- Get out!

- I'm not kidding you.

Mom, I think you need to slow down.

Look, everybody tells me

that I should take sedatives...

but, hey, I am out here

and I'm making things happen.

All forward motion counts.

Sweetheart,

when are you coming back?

There's a memorial this Saturday.

Okay. And who's there helping you

plan all of this, sweetheart?

Uncle Dale and Bill Banyon.

Bill Banyon is there?

- Bill Banyon?

- Yeah.

He is a con man.

He swindled your father

out of thousands of dollars.

Seventeen years ago,

he did something...

which almost ruined this family

to its very core.

Mother...

Wrapping himself in the nobility

of your father's memory.

- Boy, he's getting an earful.

- Boy, I'll tell you.

Mother! Listen! Focus!

Beware.

I know it's all very charming

with the pickled things in jars...

and the Southern charm

and the hams that hang in the garage...

until they're so covered with mold

you could grow penicillin on them...

Are you sure about the cremation?

If Bill Banyon is there,

definitely cremation!

And you tell Bill Banyon, I'll be there.

Hello.

Aloha.

I talked to my friend, Kendra...

who had a girlfriend with a kid

who is exceedingly loud like Samson...

and she's given me a videotape

that works absolute miracles.

Hey, thanks, Claire.

What, you're already tired of me?

I just haven't slept. I'm sorry.

How's Hawaii?

Well, I'm checking out this cute guy.

Why are you telling me that?

How could I leave you in distress?

I'm taking you out.

- I thought you were in Hawaii.

- What's this?

"When cremation is your preference."

I just got some brochures

I want you all to look at.

And these are some choice of urns...

available here

at the Cave Hill Cemetery.

You can take them home and...

You can look at those brochures and...

Y'all can look at those,

take those home with you.

Whatever makes you happy.

We are shopping for an urn.

And you can pick this up tomorrow

immediately following the procedure.

The Jim Morrison of Kentucky.

You're kind of great, Claire.

You do know that.

- Sort of amazing, even.

- Oh, come on!

- I don't need an ice cream cone.

- It's not an ice cream cone.

What's an ice cream cone?

You know.

"Here's a little something

to make you happy.

"Something sweet that melts

in five minutes."

I'm completely cool with anything

you want to say or not say.

I don't need it.

Besides, Ben is coming in tomorrow.

- Do you want to hear my theory?

- Of course.

You and I have a special talent,

and I saw it immediately.

Tell me.

We're the substitute people.

The substitute people.

I've been the substitute person

my whole life.

I'm not an Ellen.

I never wanted to be an Ellen.

And I'm not a Cindy, either.

Although Chucks love me.

I'm sure they do.

I like being alone too much.

I mean, I'm with a guy who's married

to his academic career.

I rarely see him.

And I'm the substitute person there.

I like it that way. It's a lot less pressure.

Here.

Play this for the loudest kid in the world.

I'm not used to girls like you.

That's because I'm one of a kind.

You don't have to make a joke.

I like you without the jokes.

Get some sleep.

I have a personnel interview

tomorrow morning...

and if I get transferred, Ben will die.

Didn't it just feel better...

that we just didn't

do something impulsive?

- I mean...

- Yes.

Now we actually have a shot

at being friends...

for the rest of our lives.

The rest of our lives.

Okay, now for the celebration proper

we got the military bands...

the right mix of seven speakers,

no crybabies...

It's official. Paul, Doug and Rick

are flying in from Florida.

Ruckus will reunite for this one evening.

How we doing on balloons?

I sent to Balloon City,

I got a bunch of them.

And, Drew, my casket did come in

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