Ellipsis Page #4

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- You guys seem in love.

- (JASPER AND VIV LAUGH)

- Thank you.

- Have a great one. God bless.

- Thank you.

- Thanks. Bye.

Oh, sh*t!

Hey, how you going? (CHUCKLES)

(JASPER LAUGHS)

(JASPER CHUCKLES)

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

- Hi, guys.

- JASPER:
Hello.

- VIV:
Hi. How's it going?

- Hi. How are you?

- VIV:
Hi.

- Off-tap.

Camp.

(CHUCKLES)

Are you looking for anything

in particular, or just...?

- Um, no, just having a look.

- Alright.

- Yeah. Thank you.

- Need a hand, give me a call.

- OK. Thank you.

- Thanks.

But couples - look at this.

Wet & Wild.

JASPER:
Oh, my goodness.

That's so...

It's out there. It's out there.

There we go.

This is the We-Vibe.

- Show them the We-Vibe.

- (VIBRATOR BUZZES)

This can go inside your vagina,

this side, the flat side.

- JASPER:
Uh-huh.

- It's on the... on the outside.

And then he can come in

behind it.

- What it is is two motors...

- Have a feel, darling.

- ..wireless remote control.

- You play with...

It goes into the lady

like a Muppet, yeah?

(LAUGHS)

And your ding-a-ling is going

underneath while it's worn.

So, it's virtually a built-in

vibrating cock ring.

- It's all about togetherness!

- Have a go on that.

And she could be in the bank

at the counter

and you could be in the car.

- "Zzhhh! Zzhhh!"

- JASPER:
And it's all...?

- It's worn inside...

- That's really doing it.

..while you're f***ing.

- So, think this would be...

- Excuse the French.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- VIV:
Wow. There's an app.

- The We-Vibe is pretty cool.

- Whoa!

- (VIBRATOR RATTLES)

Can't turn it off. (CHUCKLES)

Meet... your new best friend.

Two drops on

your friend's jim-jam

makes it

hypersensitive insanity.

I've used it on the front line,

sir. It works.

- Watermelon mouth...

- Seen the rabbit?

- VIV:
No.

- Sex and the City!

The girl in Sex and the City.

All these ladies

know about the rabbit!

- It's the famous rabbit.

- THE rabbit!

So, I think Susan or Samantha -

the slut...

- Samantha!

- ..brought it to the table.

- (GASPS) The slut!

- Pfft. Yeah, yeah, darls.

I'll put some

batteries in and...

What are the little,

um, pearls inside?

- Oh!

- Ooh!

You're in for a REAL treat.

I'm putting

the batteries in, darls.

(VIV LAUGHS)

Oh, yeah, that's got

aphrodisiacs in that too.

It's olive oil,

so you can use it as lube,

but it's no good for condoms.

- (DOORBELL CHIMES)

- The famous rabbit. This is...

- (RABBIT WHIRRS)

- Hang on. Yes.

- Check... You've got a few.

- Oh, love!

Imagine that inside you, darls!

Ooh-la-la!

- (VIV LAUGHS)

- Here, feel... feel that bit.

They reckon

the most sensitive bit...

You too if you want it, honey!

..on a lady,

bar her little jim-jam...

Get it going, love!

I got into trouble

for saying "clitoris"...

- Pump it up!

- ..to these lesbian dudes,

so now I say "jim-jam",

"jelly bean", "pearl"...

- It can go in the bath.

- Just feel that.

- Really? It's waterproof?

- Mm.

But the tip of your nose

is hypersensitive...

- Ooh-la-la!

- Oh! (LAUGHS)

- It's out there, but, yeah.

- Is that, um...

- A few functions there.

- How out there is it, darls?

- Wow.

- Can he use it too?

- Hi, guys. How are you?

- Thanks.

- Well, of course he can.

- Hi, darling. How are you?

Hi, darling. How aren't you?

But I'm saying, the jim-jam...

..the comparison, most

sensitive part in one's body

is the tip of your nose, so...

- Everybody?

- Yeah, wow.

The We... Tango.

- Look out. He loves the Tango.

- I love it. Look.

- Feel it slip in. Ooh!

- Whoa!

- Just leave it on your palm...

- JASPER:
It's like a fish.

- He loves the Tango.

- Arggh!

Yeah! You throw that up your

clacker. I'd be too scared to.

- Might never get it out!

- (JASPER AND VIV LAUGH)

You've got so many functions.

Keep pressing the bottom of it.

It's got that one

where it goes...

It's a powerhouse. You've got

a one-year warranty.

That's the We-Vibe's

little brother.

JASPER:
Hard to keep

a hold of, that little guy.

It's hard to keep in

too, darls.

Just jumps and jumps

and jumps!

You know, it's for a couple,

love, so they have a game.

- It's got... a lot of...

- (LAUGHS) We're not a couple.

Not a couple? But, well,

you know, you could be.

- (VIBRATOR CLATTERS)

- Whoa!

And it's all rechargeable too,

love. See what I mean?

Imagine two of them in me,

love! Ohhh, love! I'd be...

- (VIV CACKLES)

- I was like that before!

Oh, it's camp, love! Ding!

You know... you know,

we know you're not together,

but even friends can be

naughty, yeah?

- (VIV LAUGHS)

- JASPER:
Right.

- Can't they? I don't know.

- They have to be.

What are friends for? You've

got to learn with your friends.

Can I ask, what, um...

what's with the... the blue?

Oh. I have Irlen syndrome.

Rhymes with 'Merlin',

the magician, but with an I.

It's from being under

these lights for a decade.

One of the trade-offs

of being a front-line, uh...

..humble porn-peddler,

love-preacher

in a crazy, twisted world.

(ALL LAUGH)

Someone's got to be out there,

a beacon of light

for 'friends'...

- Yeah, right.

- ..and lovers alike!

Yeah, we're saving marriages

down here!

- Look at that.

- Whoa! He's got...

- That's sex on the rocks!

- (VIV LAUGHS)

You will definitely get an

orgasm with one of these three.

But he's outrageous.

- Kink, baby! Ooh-la-la!

- Ooh! Oh, oh! Whoa!

You want to try it, darls?

You try it. Give him a smack.

Ooh! He's probably been

real naughty.

Then you go with the paddle.

Ohhh, yeah!

- He likes it! Ooh-la-la!

- He's causing trouble.

You've got the cuffs.

You've got cuffs with furs.

Ooh, how about your nipples?

You like your nipples

to be clamped?

Jingle-jam.

(WHISPERS)

I think we should go.

- How did you guys meet?

- Do youse know each other?

- JASPER:
Well, we, uh...

- (LAUGHS) We do now!

So, were you interested

in the We-Vibe

or anything like that, love?

- Um... we might...

- I think we're OK.

You're OK? You're just gonna

have a... on the rocks tonight?

- (LAUGHS)

- Well, alright, then.

- Bye.

- Thank you. Bye.

See you, guys. Have fun.

Look after each other.

- Bye.

- Come back. We're 24 hours.

Bye, cutie.

I finish at 11 - don't forget.

Three, four in the morning,

you know where to come.

You've got the whip out.

I'd better get going.

- VIV:
Bye.

- (DOORBELL CHIMES)

Cute!

Off-tap.

What's this? Do you want to do

a breath alcohol tester?

- Sure.

- I need two $1 coins.

You're either gonna be 'error',

'OK', 'warning' or 'danger'.

I think you're gonna be

'danger'.

(CHUCKLES) Roll up, roll up!

(TRILLS) Rrroll up, rrroll up!

(LONG BEEP)

- (SHORT BEEP)

- Warning. I'm just a warning.

Uh-huh.

Blow.

(LONG BEEP)

(MACHINE BEEPS REPEATEDLY)

- Danger! Danger! (LAUGHS)

- I'm 0.077!

- Danger! (LAUGHS)

- I should be dead.

Mm.

(LAUGHS)

Go... (LAUGHS)

Go up on your toes.

Get low, then up on the toes.

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

Pretend you never saw that.

VIV:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's gone.

- Alright.

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