Entertaining Mr Sloane Page #8

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Wouldn't know where to put it.

- I attracted him instantly.

- You couldn't attract a blind man!

Look in the glass, lady.

Let's enjoy a laugh.

What do you see?

Hm?

Me.

What are you?

Well, my hair's nice.

Natural.

I'm mature, but I can

still command a certain appeal.

The crow's-feet under your eyes alone

would make you an object of terror!

Is that how you see me, Mr Sloane?

(Sloane) More or less.

(Sobs)

On with the waterworks.

I've lost you, Mr Sloane.

Lost you forever.

(Sighs) You'll have the baby.

I'll pop round.

Where you're going

I don't think that would be possible.

- What do you mean?

- I've never been subtle.

But if you go with Ed, I shall tell

the policeman about the Dadda.

Well, if I stay here, he'll do the same.

It's what's called a dilemma, boy.

You are on the horns of it.

You see how things are, Mr Sloane?

- (Yells)

- Now then...

No! (Sobs)

- Come here!

- No, no, no!

- Come back here!

- No!

He's not gonna have you!

(Sloane) You've got

to support me, you mare!

No violence at any cost!

What's this exhibition for?

This is gratuitous violence!

Give over! Both of you!

(Kathy) No!

- He's mad with you! Now go!

- No, no! No!

No! Don't!

- Mr Sloane, no!

- (Grunts)

(Plays organ)

(Sobs) No! Don't!

He... he needs me!

Needs you?

What's he running? A freak show?

Oh, Eddie, be nice!

Nice? One does one's best in this world.

- What thanks do you get?

- I can fix her!

(Kathy screams)

He'll kill me

like he killed the Dadda. Argh!

- Get off!

- My teeth!

My teeth! (Groans)

Expensive equipment

gone west now, you see?

I'm seriously annoyed with you, boy.

Giving us the benefit of your pauperism!

We need action, not discussion!

Cut her throat, but persuade her!

Don't use that tone of voice to me, boy!

I won't be dictated to!

I've had enough of this!

- (Sloane) Oh, don't go, Ed.

- Hm!

- Ed!

- Let him go, Mr Sloane.

- We don't need him.

- He's going to the police! Stupid b*tch!

Ed! Ed!

Ed! Ed!

Ed! You can't leave me with her!

Stop the car! I wanna talk to ya.

- You wouldn't put me away, would ya?

- (Engine revs)

Why don't we talk it over, Ed?

Got to think of your friend!

(Engine revs, gate squeaks)

Give us a chance, Ed!

- You've had several!

- Just one more. I need you, Ed!

You can deal with her!

A little persuasion!

Your experience at the conference table

would settle this matter!

(Engine revs)

(Screams)

No!

Stand up!

We can't conduct a serious discussion

from that position.

He's broken them.

They're only chipped.

(Groans) Ed...

What... what are we going to do, Ed?

An arrangement to suit all tastes.

That's what's needed.

Now, what are your main requirements?

I don't care what happens

as long as I don't lose the baby.

I take it there's no question

of making an honest woman of you.

You don't demand the supreme sacrifice.

- I'm not marrying her!

- Calm down!

- You can't settle me with her for life!

- Oh, look. He's near to tears.

Isn't he sweet?

Yes, he's definitely attractive

in adversity.

I warned you against women, didn't I?

Sit down!

Now, the question is,

are you prepared to accept the idea

of a partnership?

Perhaps, er...

Perhaps, er... we could share him.

Oh, Ed.

- Pfft!

- (Ed) Sit down.

Now, fair is fair.

You've had him six months.

I'll have him the next six.

That means you'd have him in the winter,

just when I need somebody and...

How do I know

you'll give him back to me after?

We can draw up a binding contract.

Fair enough?

I'd only feel that marriage

was truly binding.

And, anyway, my little boy

needs a daddy to look up to.

- I'm not marrying her, I tell you!

- Shut up! You're speaking of a lady!

He's young. He doesn't understand.

Ooh, can he be present

at the birth of the child?

It deepens the relationship, you know,

if the father's there.

It's all any reasonable child can expect

if the dad is present at the conception.

- Let's hear no more of it.

- Oh, Eddie!

No, it's agreed. Six months each.

Turn and turn about.

That means,

er... I have him the first six months

and, er, you get him back

in time for your birthday.

And you can marry him

at the start of your next go.

It's got to be now!

You don't trust me? Your own brother?

Oh, Ed, of course I do.

How could you say such a wicked thing?

It's ever so clever of you

to have thought of such a lovely idea.

It's got to be now just in case.

It can't be. There'd be banns to be read.

Marriage licences to be applied for.

Oh, we don't have

to bother about that, Eddie.

- You could marry us.

- Me?

Yes. Captains on ships are allowed to.

I wasn't a captain.

I know, but you was in the Navy.

That's true.

Well...

Perhaps there is something

in what you say.

I've got the prayer book here.

It's all in there.

Easy, easy.

We shall have a conflagration

before you can say Jack Robinson.

- A bit of grease.

- You can't make me go through with this!

The police... 999 I think it is.

Here you are. I'll take my pinny off, Ed.

"The Litany.

Thanksgiving of Women after Childbirth.

"Baptism of Riper Years..."

Ah, here we are.

"Solemnisation of Matrimony."

So excited.

Stand up.

Er, it seems to go on and on.

- Skip the boring bits.

- All right.

("The Wedding March" plays on organ)

Straighten up, lad.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here,"

er cetera...

"To satisfy man's

carnal lusts or appetites,

"like brute beasts

that hath no understanding."

I can't remember that.

Well, it's all here in black and white.

Hm...

"Secondly, it was ordained

for a remedy against sin."

And to avoid fornication.

I don't like that at all.

All right then.

Here we are..

"Wilt thou have this woman

to thy wedded wife,

"to live together after God's ordinance

in the holy state of matrimony?

"Wilt thou love her,

comfort her, honour and keep her

"in sickness and in health

"and forsaking all others

keep thee only unto her,

"so long as ye both shall live?"

Say, "I will."

I bloody won't!

You bloody will.

Now, the same to you

and you say, "I will".

"Wilt thou have this man"

et cetera, et cetera, er cetera...

- I will.

- "As long as ye both shall live.

"I pronounce that they be

man and wife together." There.

(Kathy) Oh, Mr Sloane, isn't it lovely?

Oh, Mr Sloane!

I'm so happy!

Good, good. Well, we'd best

be getting along, Mr Sloane.

Back to Dulverton Mansions.

- Ed?

- Hm?

- Can I do it for you now?

- What? Do what?

- The binding contract.

- What are you on about?

Marry you to Mr Sloane.

Don't be more stupid that God intended.

- Oh, Ed, go on. Give him the benefit.

- Ah!

No, Eddie. It'll make me ever so happy

and it won't take long.

I'm not marrying a fella!

Apart from anything else it'll be bigamy!

Who asked your opinion?

All right, Kath, dear.

If it's going to make you happy,

we'll do it.

("The Wedding March" plays on organ)

Ready?

"Dearly beloved,

"we are gathered together here

"in the face of this congregation

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