Every Day

[door creaks open]

(Ethan)

Dada?

(male voice)

Mm.

Dada?

Mm.

Mm.

[sighing]

There are no bad

people coming, okay?

How do you know?

Well, 'cause there

are two cars in

the driveway.

There are plenty of other

houses with no cars

in the driveway

that they're

going to instead.

What if they

can't see the cars?

If they can't

see the cars

then they need to

have their eyes checked.

Good night.

Can you leave

the light on?

Brighter?

Go to

sleep now.

Could I have a

glass of water?

[alarm beeping]

When's Mama

getting home?

Sometime after lunch.

Mm. This

toast is burnt.

Fire me.

Is Grandpa Ernie gonna

eat every meal with us?

Only if he's good.

If he's bad, we force

him to eat in his own room.

Excuse me.

Your room.

Gimme. I'll scrap

off the burnt.

No, it's fine.

Will he smell bad?

Last time he was here

he smelled like pee.

Ew. can we not

talk about pee

during breakfast?

You can

block your nose.

Like this, see?

Right now, I can't

smell a thing.

Are you done yet?

No.

Be done. Now.

Now. Come on, come on.

Have you decided

about prom yet?

Because I have to

sign up for it by tomorrow.

can we talk about

that when Mama gets

home, please?

Will everybody at

the prom be gay?

Yeah. That's why they call it

the Gay and Lesbian Prom, moron.

Are lesbians gay?

Okay, that's it.

No more. No more. Enough.

No more questions.

Out. You.

And yes, they are.

No one's gonna

do anything.

They have like a

million chaperons.

I don't want you dancing

with college kids, period.

What are they

gonna do, rape me?

can we not talk

about this right now?

I'm not interested in being

with someone who's older.

I just wanna dance with

other people who are gay.

I think I'd rather talk

about the smell of pee.

Huh.

You know, it's very nice

of you to give up your room.

Very generous.

Do I have a choice?

Come on. Hop, hop, hop, hop,

hop, hop, hop, Peter Cottontall.

You know, I'm gay whether

I go to the prom or not.

We'll talk about it

when Mama gets home.

Do you think Grandpa

Ernie will die soon?

I don't know.

Did you remember

your violin music?

Yes.

Do you think people

come back after they die?

Like as other

people or things?

No. I mean, I, I think you sort

of just die when you die.

You know, go back in the sky,

all your atoms and stuff.

That's what I think.

I hope I come

back as a flower.

They smell

really good.

Okay. I could see that.

I mean, I agree.

Flowers are good. It's a good life,

a flower's life, I think.

Not a very long

life, but a good life.

I'll see you later.

Don't forget

your violin.

(Ned)

Hey, it's me.

Um, I hope you guys made it

to the airport okay.

I guess I'll, I'll just

meet you at baggage claim.

Um, I miss you.

God help us.

Oh, and we gotta deal

with that gay prom thing.

It's not going

away. Okay?

I love you.

What about anal? My straight friends

tell me anal's the new oral.

So, Darren, Lindsay

in the shower.

Lindsay feels Darren

coming up the Panama Canal.

I haven't seen that on TV.

(Brian)

Maybe Lindsay straps one on

and Darren's not into it.

No. Seen it before.

Maybe he is into it.

What if they try to screw

but she gets terrible gas.

Come on, people,we have

five shocking moments

In every script.

We only have three.

Ned, true or false.

Anal's the new oral.

Uh, I'd settle for oral

being the new oral, but that's me.

My wife didn't like it.

It gave her the runs.

Okay. What if Lindsay develops

a thing for her Dalmatian

and it turns into this

incredible obsession?

Yes! Thank you. Bestiality,

the final frontier. I love it.

Right?

You don't think that's a

little bit unrelatable?

You're talklng like

a fucklng executive.

There is nothing unrelatable

about sex with animals.

I know a lot of people

who've done it.

Sex with one's dog is

the new sex with one's cat.

I don't give a f*** about

unrelatablllty as long as it is shocking.

And what if they didn't have sex

for an episode?

Personally, I'd find that

pretty shocking.

[cell phone rings]

Are we keeping

you from something?

Sorry. Um, I have to

pick up my wife at the airport.

Her father's coming in and--

When are we getting your script?

Well, I wanted to talk

to you about that.

The next couple of days

are gonna be kinda tough

because of Jeannie and I--

No. Monday.

Okay. Monday, I'll try.

Don't try. Just do it.

Act four.

Two shocking moments.

[horns honking]

[siren wails]

[cell phone rings]

Sh*t.

(Ned)

Hey, you made it.

Where are you?

Stuck. Traffic is unbelievable.

How's Ernle?

Uh, chipper.

How was getting him there?

It's been a little tough, but

we're hanging in there, right, Ernie?

[hushed tone]

Don't get a ticket, but hurry.

[beep]

Dad?

At least they didn't lose our luggage.

That's a relief, right?

You need the bathroom

or anything?

It's just a side effect.

They told us it might happen, right?

You can change as soon as you

get home.

- (Ned) Hey I

- It won't be too long now.

Here you go.

Sorry I'm late.

The traffic.

Doesn't matter where you're going

or what time you go

it's always bad.

How are ya?

Hey, Ernie.

You look good.

Welcome to the Big Apple.

(Ned) You must be pooped.

It's been quite a whirlwind,

huh, Dad?

I sold just about everything

except his favorite

chair and ottoman.

They'll be here

in a few weeks.

And his upstairs neighbor is gonna

try to sell his electric wheelchair

which is too heavy

to ship out.

You won't see a dime.

She'll spend it on drugs.

She's 83. I think we can trust her.

She was always saying

hello in the elevator

asking me how was I doing...

if she could do anything for me.

Very manipulative.

[snoring]

I don't even like him.

You're a good daughter.

I'm a guilty daughter.

I should have found a place

for him there. He's toxic.

You couldn't keep jumping on

a plane every time he fell down

or called you from some

emergency room with chest pains.

I haven't spent this much time

with him in 30 years.

I already feel like I did then.

He's not happy unless he can make

you as depressed as he is.

Well, look. He's here.

You're gonna have to find

some way to deal with it

or you're just gonna be

miserable all the time.

This is perfect.

I finally get three clients lined up

now I gotta cancel them.

I'm sure they'll come back.

I tried to explain to him again

what I did.

He said he would like

to see the studies

showing the efficacy of touch

for the treatment of pain.

[laughing]

Oh, sh*t.

I gotta go.

Look at this.

What?

The doctor said to keep him away

from alcohol, including mouthwash.

That's why he goes

through so much of it.

He's like a teenager.

At least he's

not a gay one.

- [cell phone ringing]

- We gotta talk to Jonah

about this gay prom thing.

I don't want him to go.

He can be mad at us,

I don't give a sh*t.

This is Ernie's doctor in Detroit.

I have to take this.

I don't want him to go.

He can logic us to death.

Hello?

He's not going.

Yes, I did.

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