Everybody Wants Some!! Page #10

---

Yes, sir.

All right, freshman ping-pong champ.

Let's see what you got, kid.

Here we go, Jake.

Strike. 0-1?

Make it 0-2.

0-2?

- Yeah.

- 0-2!

Two, two, two, two! Ball's in the gap!

Get two, McReynolds,

get two.

There we go.

Attaboy, Mac!

That's what I'm talking about.

Sweet double, McReynolds!

- Good hit, Mac!

- Hey, nice hit.

Welcome to college ball, freshman.

All right, boys.

All right, bring it up, bring it up!

If I look good, I f***ing play good.

All right, listen up, good first practice.

All right? This is where it all starts.

We're out here,

ahead of all the other teams

in the country,

and we're gonna keep it that way

and work hard all year, right?

Yeah!

- All right then, boys, y'all be good.

- Uh-uh-uh!

Not so fast.

We have a little tradition out

here welcoming in the new guys.

It's called a little bit of freshmen...

Batting practice!

Whoo!

Oh, gosh!

F***!

Oh, my nuts!

Let's go, boys! Come on!

Oh, f***!

Dale! Dale! Dale! Dale!

That was not good.

Say cheese, baby!

Whoo!

Say cheese!

That's how we do it.

Whatever, girls.

Did you get hit, Jacob?

Yeah, man.

They got me on the wrist,

and they almost knocked me in the nuts.

Shoot, man.

They got me on the shoulder with one,

but, hey, they said a few years back,

one ol' boy got hit in the head

and nearly knocked

his eyeball out of its socket.

- Is that enough for you? Okay.

- Yes. Yes.

Gotta get some meat

on that boy's bones.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I thought you'd graduated.

Look, maybe it just feels

like I've been here too long.

You have.

Hey, Jacob.

What?

Unreal, doggie, we made it!

This isn't what I was expecting at all.

Well, what were you expecting, Beuter?

Shoot, man, it's just,

you know, I tell you,

it's kind of confusing.

Well, what's confusing, Perkins?

Well, besides your ever-changing name.

Good grief, guys, come on now.

All right, look, y'all, so a buddy of mine

told me that last year,

one of his professors

in them scientific classes

told him that there's no historical proof

Jesus Christ ever existed.

Who gives a turd

what some egghead professor says?

Seems like there's a lot of stuff

going on around here, you know?

Just lots of different types of stuff

and temptations, and things like that.

- Beuter.

- Yes, sir.

Are you prepared to

fold like a lawn chair?

Private Beuter, are you prepared

to fold like a lawn chair?

Sir, no, sir.

Good! Then don't.

I'll give you freshmen a little advice

on how to get your sh*t together, okay?

You're at a new level here.

You're pissing in the tall grass

with the big dick dogs now.

Hell, you got 21,

22-year-old guys over there

who, at this stage, see you as someone

trying to take their position.

But what you limp c*cks

don't seem to realize

is that you have

not earned teammate status yet.

And until you do, you're nobody.

And not only do those guys

not give a f*** about you,

they would love to watch

every single one of you fail.

I already told you, Jake,

this ain't high school, man.

You guys

aren't the All-Stars you thought you were

back from wherever the hell

it is you came from.

Here, you're on your own.

And it's competitive, man.

So, sh*t, if you wanna succeed,

really succeed, the only choice you have

is to mentally toughen the f*** up.

- Yes, sir.

- Temptation, my a**hole.

Temptation his a**hole?

Dude, did you guys hear?

What?

Willoughby's gone!

- What?

- Busted!

What, weed?

Nah, dude.

He's 30! Like, he's 30 f***ing years old!

- Thirty!

- Like a three and a zero.

- Oh, no f***ing way.

- No, sir.

Yes, sir!

No, no, no! Get this, get this.

Willoughby isn't even his real name.

Dude, it's like a secret identity!

Yeah, no,

the registrar's office discovered it.

They were looking up

on some transfer hours

that looked fishy.

They'd been investigating it for a while,

and told the coach this afternoon.

That's what that was all about.

- No way.

- Dude, what?

Yeah. No, not only that,

but they think

he's been doing this to other colleges.

- Transferring, playing ball.

- Is he still here?

Nah, man. We just went by the house.

Van's gone, he's gone.

All his sh*t's gone, man.

He just left one thing, man.

In the middle of our room,

he left a Pink Floyd album

and a big-ass joint on top.

We smoked it!

You know, he's probably just a guy

that wasn't quite good enough

to play pro ball,

but he loved baseball

and he just wanted to keep playing.

And living the college life.

Maybe that, too.

He's not a bad guy. He just got caught.

I liked him.

- Good pitcher, too.

- Oh, yeah.

Brum!

How's this?

Let's see. Oh, sh*t.

It's one card away

from a Saskatchewan straight.

- You know what that is?

- What?

You might as well show 'em.

- How bad is it?

- It's bad.

Oh!

What is it?

It's called a Manitoba Moose.

- You're f***ed, Brum.

- What?

Well, the rules state that,

if you ever wanna play this game again...

If you wanna stay on this team, bro.

I do.

You have to fly to Winnipeg,

you have to drive

to Caribou River Park Reserve

in Manitoba,

you have to walk out on the tundra,

you have to find a moose,

carefully get under said moose...

You gotta suck its dick.

Really?

Yeah.

- Happened once before.

- Wait, really?

He was a good guy.

He was a great guy.

Anyway, you guys all pass?

Yeah, that's it, man.

Oh, take off, you hosers!

It's a Winnipeg Flip!

O Canada!

Our home and native land!

True patriot love...

What the f*** game are they playing?

I mean, they say

it's called "O Canada,"

but I'm pretty sure

they're just making it up

as they go along, you know?

Like most things

with these guys, it's total bullshit.

But why, you know?

It's more about seeing

how witty they can be.

Like that whole Pete Ward thing.

What do you mean,

"the Pete Ward thing"?

- Pete Ward.

- What about him?

The super scout for the Reds?

Master of disguise?

- They made all that up, too.

- Yeah?

Are you trying to... Pete Ward ain't real?

Oh, come on.

Hey, guys, guys,

Plum and b*tch boy think

Pete Ward's real.

What are you implying?

Yeah, Jake.

Who are you to say he isn't real?

Yeah, "b*tch boy."

Okay, he's real.

Hey, Jake, you're still not

saying where that party is.

What party?

Jake's got a big party tonight.

Supposed to meet up

with this hot dancer-actress chick,

but he doesn't want us to be there.

Hey, hold on, hey, I'm not saying

you guys can't come, all right?

Did I say that? No.

I just implied you guys

might be bored, that's all.

Dancer chicks have great asses.

Now, that's a fact, I know that.

Let me get this straight. A freshman

is trying to stop us

from, from going to a party, is that...

It's not even that we're

not invited to this party,

- he just doesn't want us to go.

- Mmm...

Did I ever say that? No, okay?

I was just implying that

this party might not be

your guys' cup of tea,

but, I mean, f*** it,

you guys can come with me if you want.

I don't wanna embarrass you

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes