Ex Drummer Page #4

drummer, bass player and roadie.

Don't you understand Flemish?

Get out of here, Ma.

Go inside and do some cleaning.

F*** off!

Don't stick your nose in.

Is it OK? Can he come?

- Yes.

Is it OK? He can come?

Verbeek. Verbeek!

Two things..

Firstly,

no French-kissing the roadie in public.

OK.

- And something else, Dorian.

Where were you when you heard

King Boudewijn had farted his last fart?

His last fart?

- When you heard he was dead, you pansy!

He was dead? Where was I?

- Yes. You're quick on the uptake!

You and I are gonna have

some good discussions!

I'll repeat the question,

in case you've forgotten.

Where were you

when King Boudewijn died?

I don't really know.

- Just answer!

That's ages ago.

- Is that hard?

No, it's not hard but...

- Where were you? Answer me.

I heard it on the radio, I think.

Yes, on the radio.

In my bedroom. I was in bed.

- Who were you in bed with?

Eh? Who were you in bed with?

- Koen's not coming today.

What's the matter with him?

- Problems. Serious ones.

Shall I go and see him?

- Yeah, go and see him.

Right.

- Shall I come too?

No, stay here. I'm off.

See you later.

Where were you?

Where?

- We had a rehearsal.

Oh. How did it go?

- Brilliantly. With no singer.

There's blood on the wall.

Yeah, so?

I hit her and made her nose bleed.

Who?

- Who?

A filthy slut from the bar.

With dyed blonde hair.

She asked for it.

She wanted to come back to my flat.

"OK," I said."Come on then."

What had she done wrong? Smoked

a cigarette? Drunk a glass of wine?

Did she phone someone? Have a hooked

nose? Remind you of your bald SS b*tch?

Moronic arsehole!

D'you want to sing at Leffinge?

- What d'you think?

So don't call me an arsehole

you arsehole!

Fine, don't go on!

One of these days

I'm gonna give your Lio one.

Thanks.

Dries, you mentioned the King of Siam

before. Can you tell me anything else?

I'm not his biographer

but I do know a few things about him.

That he was a much-loved king. An honest

head of state. That sort of thing.

But he was also very active

in other areas.

He was also an inventor, for example.

Of all the inventions that

can definitely be attributed to him,

the game of chess is the most important.

- Chess?

De Geyter, where were you when you heard

that King Boudewijn had died?

In bed?

That impotent postage stamp? King

Boudewijn? His Majesty? That saint?

What's so funny? Eh?

What's so funny about the death

of a decent, monogamous man?

I'll tell you something. I heard

he sometimes did it with little boys.

Verbeek, chuck that pile of sh*t in

a cesspit and look for another roadie.

It was a joke.

- No, seriously. That's what I heard.

You faggots think the world is simple.

You think.. we're faggots, everyone's

a f*ggot. The king and the cat too.

I don't like things like that.

Another thing, Dorian.

My drum isn't right.

Are you going to see to it?

I'll see to it.

It was a joke.

Koen, we still don't know

where you were when the king died.

Look, your sweetheart!

- You here again?

Ivan phoned.

- Who?

Ivan. His little daughter has died.

I'll kill her! It's her fault!

Where is she?

- What?

Where's your wife?

- At her mother's, of course!

Things get a bit difficult and

she's off! Instead of being here!

She does f*** all!

- Ivan, how did the kid die?

What?

- How did she die?

Don't know.

She'd had stomach ache for three days.

The kid had been lying there crying

for three days.

But she does f*** all.

She gave her some coke.

I'm not a doctor. I don't know, man!

I have to cope all by myself.

People like you shouldn't breed.

- What?

You shouldn't breed. I've been shouting

that for ever but no one listens.

I've got to cope all by myself.

What do I do now? Eh?

You can... F***!

I'm telling you, you can't do anything

about it. Don't you understand?

The kid was lying there crying

for three days. And what does she do?

Ivan!

- She couldn't care less.

Come on, let's go to the beach.

What?

- To the beach. Come on!

You've got to help me, Dries.

I can't help you.

- Eh?

I can't help you.

I don't know what to do. I haven't...

Can't you do anything?

You're an intelligent guy.

You could have yourself committed.

- What?

You could have yourself committed.

Mother, is Marleen here?

Where are you, slut?

Don't start!

- Where are you?

What, don't start?

I'm gonna kill you!

I'm gonna kill you.

- Leave me alone!

I'm gonna kill you!

Did you hear? With a kitchen knife.

You go at a slut like that with a drill!

De Geyter knows all the answers.

D'you know of a new guitarist?

Do you?

- No.

Actually...

Dorian used to play the guitar.

Of course, Dorian is a fantastic

guitarist. We should've known!

Yes, Dorian.

- He can have a go. Can he have a go?

Play something.

If it's no good, it's no good.

- Right.

Careful. That's Ivan's guitar. If you

break it you'll have to pay for it.

He won't break it.

He's played the guitar before.

When and where did you learn to do that,

you amazing f*ggot?

That's one problem less.

But now we haven't got a roadie.

We don't really need one.

Jimmy could do it.

- Who?

Jimmy.

- That f*ggot?

Are you gonna find someone else?

- Man! Not a f*ggot!

Are you gonna find one?

- F***in' hell, two faggots is enough!

Jimmy then.

This is the second millennium, one

f*ggot more or less makes no difference.

I think it does.

You find someone then.

- Something else.

What?

- He's a f*ggot

but has he got any other handicap?

- Yes.

Yes?

- Yes.

Yes, actually.

- Here.

Sh*t, man, what's that? Revolting!

That's revolting.

- D'you mind?

It's no secret that

people in rehab centres

are used for medical experiments.

They tried out some of

the latest techniques on Van Dorpe.

Contrary to what you'd expect,

these worked on Ivan.

He could hear again.

When did you go deaf?

- Oh, is sir a doctor?

No, just out of interest.

Pals who...

Pals? Are you using the word pals?

You're a rotten baboon!

Hey, if you want to know, I'll tell you.

One day, I walked past Ma's bedroom door

and I looked through the keyhole and

saw her getting off under another guy.

I went deaf right there, on the spot.

- Deaf? Not blind?

What are you doing here?

F*** off, arsehole! Get out!

Can everyone just come in?

- It's always the same.

I want some dope, man.

My dope's gone.

I want my little girl.

- Your little girl is dead.

Why did you let her eat sh*t?

Maybe 'cos I was high on dope,

out of my head.

Maybe I never saw her eating it.

Maybe I thought it was chocolate.

You look at your beer.

Behave, eh? You behave!

You too, eh? Behave.

- Got a problem?

I haven't got a problem.

Have you got a problem?

I haven't got a problem.

- You haven't got a problem. Nor have I.

You can tell me if you have.

Here's another bunch of pansies!

The Feminists.

Big Dick. How are you?

- How are you?

Fine.

- Well?

Want a beer? Beers?

Four beers, five beers and a water.

Dries, is that Big Dick?

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