Extract Page #4

She gave me her phone number

and everything.

Asked me if I was going to that party

where Rory's band is playing.

- Can you believe that?

- Really?

- Yeah.

- What are you going to do?

What do you mean,

what am I gonna do?

I'm gonna do nothing.

I can't cheat on Suzie.

I just got to power through it

until I'm too old to get it up, you know?

Then I'll be all right.

What if Suzie cheated on you?

(SCOFFS) Right. Come on.

Listen, man. I like Suzie.

You know what I'm saying?

And I got nothing against her,

but what if she's feeling

the same way you were? Right?

What if she cheated on you?

Would that bother you?

I don't... No, I guess...

No, I guess it wouldn't, at this point.

I guess that's a little weird, isn't it?

Yeah, a bit, but, you know,

do you think she would do it?

- What? Cheat on me? No.

- You sure?

Well, I don't know, actually.

Hang on. She might.

Suzie might.

She could be tempted, I suppose.

If some really studly guy hit on her...

So, you're saying

that she would cheat on you

if she were placed in temptation's way,

and yet you're in temptation's way

and you're not cheating on her?

- That's right.

- Okay, bro.

Here's what you need to do.

- I don't want drugs, Dean.

- There are ways,

ancient ways from Aztec times

of getting your wife to cheat on you,

if that is what you need.

Let's hear it.

You hire a gigolo

to have an affair with your wife.

- What?

- I'm serious, bro. I know a guy.

- You know a gigolo?

- Yes, I do.

How do you know a gigolo?

- This guy, Brad.

- Brad the gigolo?

Yes, who comes in here all the time.

He's friends of Cliff.

You hire Brad.

He has an affair with Suzie.

All right. Yeah. Don't you have

another customer to help or something?

Dude, you just told me

that you wouldn't mind

if she fooled around

with somebody else.

And if she fools around

with somebody else,

you have no guilty feelings

about hooking up with Cindy.

All your problems are solved.

Stroke-of-genius idea on my part.

Jesus Christ,

maybe I will try some of your Xanax.

- Come on.

- Seriously.

I think what I'm gonna do is,

I'm gonna sit Suzie down

and I'm just gonna talk to her about it.

- Bing!

- No, that was a joke.

Not a joke.

- Joking.

- Serious.

This gonna shut you up?

Tell me what this stuff does, again.

STEP:
Yeah, I just believe

what's right is right.

CINDY:
That's right, Step.

And what's right is

for you to send a message

so that a horrible accident like this

never happens to anybody ever again.

That's why I got a lawyer for you.

You want to know who?

- Who?

- The guy on all the bus-stop benches.

- Joe Adler? You got me Joe Adler?

- Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

You're so good to me, Cindy.

Okay. Oh, my gosh. Step, I'm sorry.

You're getting me aroused,

and I'm getting you aroused,

and your doctor said

that you should not get aroused

till after the trial.

Step, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I think we should go.

I'm sorry.

STEP:
Man. Look at all them mallards.

I knew I should have brought

the Mossberg.

DEAN:
Sh*t.

Do you remember what color

that pill was I gave you?

- What?

- Damn it.

I don't think it was Xanax.

Could have been Ritalin or Special K.

I don't care. What?

Well, Special K is a horse tranquilizer.

It sometimes has weird effects

on humans.

Hey, it's nothing to worry about.

Probably just shouldn't drink anymore.

Remember that thing

you were talking about?

- About the gigolo?

- Yeah?

You don't think that is wrong?

You don't think that

that is morally wrong?

What could be morally wrong

about that?

Yeah, I don't know.

Look, man.

If she doesn't wanna do anything,

she doesn't have to, okay?

But if she does,

then she's the one who sinned,

and you're the one

who can go out there

and drop the Joel-pole

in whoever the hell you want to.

And that's what's morally appropriate.

I cannot... I can't see anything

morally wrong with it, either,

and... And he's a friend of yours, right?

What is his name?

Brad. You want me

to get on the phone with him?

No, no. Just hang on.

It's very weird

to even talk about this, Dean.

Dude, all you got to do is tell her

he's coming to be the new pool guy

or whatever, and see what happens.

Seriously.

If she doesn't go for it, terrific.

Now you just feel better for not

fooling around in the first place.

I think you're right,

and we do need a new pool cleaner.

That's a sign, bro.

Yeah, I just... I don't know. It's so nuts.

You got to listen to the universe.

Why don't you have

another drink, man?

You know what?

Why don't I go call Brad?

See what he has to say about this?

What the hell.

It seems pretty clear, right?

I mean, it's $200, right?

Yeah. It's 200.

Well, yeah. I mean, you know,

I'm getting my 10%.

Come on, Dean. What are you?

You're a pimp now?

I don't think they call it a pimp

when it's with a male prostitute, Joel.

- All right.

- DEAN:
They have another name for it.

It's not a john,

but it's something like that.

They call it something else.

Look, I'm the one

who hooked this whole thing up.

- I get it.

- DEAN:
Okay?

You have nothing to worry about

'cause it all comes out...

...of his money, anyway.

- All right!

- Fine.

- So, it's $200.

Yep. 220.

- Dean!

- What?

I have a question.

Yep.

So, are you, like,

gonna watch or something?

No, no. No, no. No, I'm...

I'm not even gonna be there.

I'm gonna be at work.

Don't you remember? We covered this.

- Didn't we cover this?

- Look, dude, here's the story.

What you're gonna do is,

you're just gonna go

to Joel's house, okay,

pretending to be the new pool cleaner.

When you get there, you will simply

attempt to seduce Joel's wife.

If she does not respond,

you will simply

clean the pool and leave.

That's it. It's just that simple.

So you're not gonna, like,

try to touch my ass or anything?

Listen. He will be at work.

You will go by when he is not there,

and you will pose as the pool cleaner

trying to seduce the wife.

(LAUGHING)

I see. Yeah. I get it now.

- It's so simple.

- BRAD:
Yeah. I'm sorry. Cool.

Yeah. You're not even gonna be there.

DEAN:
No, he will not be there.

He will not be at the house.

You will be at the house.

The wife will be at the house. He will...

- BRAD:
Not be...

- Not be at the house.

Cool. No problem.

This is gonna be great.

Now, I want you to remember

that she might not go for it.

So, awesome, yeah.

No, I can hardly wait.

- She might not go for it.

- This is going to be awesome.

Awesome. Hey, man,

if you know of anybody else

who might need, you know, what I do,

like lonely housewives and sh*t,

you think you could tell them

about me?

Because I figure

if I can get enough of them,

then maybe I could quit

my landscaping job.

That would be awesome,

because I hate landscaping, dude,

and I like getting laid a lot better.

And I'm always seeing all kinds of

horny housewives out at the clubs,

so, like I say,

if your wife has any housewife...

Brad, you're killing me, man.

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