Family Business

$24 for a cab ride to the Bronx.

I can't believe it.

Come to my parents' for Passover

once a year without complaining, Vito.

Wait a minute, honey, let me help you.

- Will Adam be here?

- I don't know...

...but if he is, be nice.

It's a Seder, okay?

Don't worry, don't worry.

- Hi, Mom.

- Hello, darling.

- Adam. Hi, darling.

- Hi.

Come a little late like always.

Papa, hello, darling.

Traffic. There are so many Jews

headed for Seder, Mama.

- Good day, sir.

- Hiya, Nat.

I thought people were

cutting down on meat.

How come the material

gets more expensive every year?

Please, don't worry yourself.

I know the face, now.

The face... The face looks familiar.

- Hey, Pop.

- Adam, how are you?

Hey, who'd you get this year?

I got Bernard Karlinski.

Let me see here.

"The bar mitzvah of Owen Zuckerbrot."

Nat, Owen Zuckerbrot?

He brings the yarmulkes home

from shul. You know, the extras.

You want it to say

"Vito McMullen," you have to convert.

- Why not?

- Not yet.

Did you see how Adam remembers

his Hebrew? With a mind like that.

- Ma.

- What did I say?

It's a shande to me that

a boy with such a head...

...drops out of school six months

before a master's degree.

- Drops out? Drops out of school?

- Six months before.

- Three months.

- Can we drop it?

We're not allowed to ask? You're back

since January. I haven't seen you.

- I came here for a Seder.

- Adam looks marvelous.

- We're glad you're here.

- He's become a man.

- Look how beautifully he eats.

- Ma, please. He's gonna be 23.

Stop bragging about how he gets

all the food in his mouth.

- You try to kvell over your grandson.

- I won't complain.

- After 24 years, it's still rough.

- 23.

Forgot the year your goy son-in-law

wasn't allowed up here.

- Time to let the angel in.

- Nat, how come the angel...

...gets a bigger glass?

- Your material is getting stale.

Better leave the chain on.

This is the Bronx.

Instead of Elijah, some mugger

is gonna charge through the door.

- Adam's right.

- When you two gonna move out?

- You're too old to survive here.

- How old are you, Grandpa?

- Nobody kept records. No one knows.

- They'll never tell. Crazy superstition.

Not so crazy. You don't tempt God

by bragging about your age. Sit.

Forty-two years here,

the neighborhood is not so bad.

Then why can't I drive my

Cadillac to your Seder? Nat...

...there are places in Flushing.

If it's a matter of money...

...I can chip in a few bucks.

- They wanna be the last.

We'll chisel it on your stone

after the mugging.

"Nat and Rose Gruden, last Jews

on Davidson Avenue."

Gruden residence.

Hi, Jessie.

Well, what time do you think

you'll be out?

Okay, no problem.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

All right. Take care, Jessie.

- Your grandfather?

- What was that about, Adam?

Jessie wanted to wish us

a happy Passover.

- Vito, your father knows our number?

- Yeah, how come?

Well, the unexpected.

Jessie doesn't change, huh?

No, he sure doesn't.

Take care, Nat.

Vito, see if you can get a cab,

I'll be right out.

- So when are you moving, Grandma?

- We don't take from our children.

You're like a couple of turkeys

in these streets.

This neighborhood's a jungle.

I'm not coming to the next Seder

unless you're living somewhere else.

Did you hear what your grandson said?

Well, what did he want?

Jessie wanted to wish us

a happy Passover.

Come on, Adam, stop the crap.

Your old man needs bail money.

I'm gonna go down there.

- And he calls you.

- Yeah.

You been talking to my father while you

been ducking me since you got back?

All right. Is it serious?

It's a bar fight. But it's

an off-duty cop he whacked.

He whacked a cop?

Is the guy hurt?

Well, Grandpa says he

"kicked the bull's ass...

...the length of the bar

and halfway down 10th Ave."

When is he gonna let up?

Oh, Christ.

Well, what the hell, it's nice

to know I have strong genes.

Hope I'm getting pinched

for bar fights in my 60s.

Just remember, Adam,

along with those strong genes...

...my father passes on a lot

of other crap to go with it.

- So stay away from him.

- He's not looking to hurt me.

No, he's not, but it'll happen anyway.

He'll spend the night in the can.

Fine with me.

- Lend me $800.

- Forget it.

I stood bail for him three years ago.

I haven't heard from him since.

- I don't stand bail for Jessie anymore.

- You're not.

I'm borrowing the money.

I've got $200, I'd like 800 more.

- So it's for you?

- Right.

Adam, the last year

my mother was alive...

...I was 7 years old. Okay?

Jessie took me along Christmas Eve

to buy a tree, right?

Near midnight we're passing an

Esso station up near Riverdale...

...and right on top of the garage is

a perfect, all lit-up Christmas tree.

So Jessie hits the brakes and he says,

"Wow, what a score, it's even got lights."

Wait a minute.

I'm standing lookout, I was 7 years old,

while he climbs up the drainpipe...

...and pulls down the tree,

lights and all.

What's so funny?

I got a dozen stories like that.

Like helping him rob Lionel trains

out of Macy's when I was 12 years old.

He's working there, I had to cut school

because he decided...

...to take a box of engines out.

Thought he'd get money for it.

- What happened?

- It doesn't matter what happened.

- Just know who you're dealing with.

- All right, all right.

- That's eight.

- Thanks.

That was nice what you did

in there for them.

Might get out of this cesspool

because of you.

Well, I had them over a barrel.

Somebody loves you, you got a hell of

a weapon in the relationship, you know?

Hey.

Listen, it's supposed

to work both ways, kiddo.

I mean, if you love somebody back,

then they got an equal weapon, no?

You're right.

I guess we got a standoff.

- I guess we do.

- They may move. I think you did it.

- I better get a cab.

- Good.

- How about dinner next week?

- Sure. What time should we be there?

- You did want Christine, no?

- Of course, Adam.

You know Christine's always welcome.

You wanna catch a ride with us?

- No, thanks.

- Okay, good night, Adam.

- Bye, sweetheart.

- Why doesn't he wanna ride with us?

- Bye, sweetheart.

- Why doesn't he wanna ride with us?

Docket number 178649325.

The charge is second-degree

assault, Your Honor.

At 6 p.m. yesterday, in a bar and grill

at 50210th Avenue...

...Mr. McMullen assaulted

an off-duty policeman.

Well, I'd love to hear about this

in your own words, Mr. McMullen.

Your Honor, I'm a victim

of police brutality.

Just tell us what occurred,

Mr. McMullen.

Well, it all happened so fast,

Your Honor.

I'll try to remember.

We had an argument. To be fair about it,

I was as much at fault as he was.

Well, one thing led to another

and somehow it comes out...

...that my mother was

a Native American...

...a full-blooded Cherokee,

Your Honor.

And this policeman yells, "It's too bad

Custer made such a half-ass job of it."

- Well, I lost control.

- What did you do?

I did what little I could

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